Meeting men at gay bars

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 12:26 AM GMT
    So I'm reading a book about gay men and dating. In one chapter, it suggests that one should go to a place where gay men are in order to meet new men, and gay bars are the first places to be mentioned.

    What do you think the validity of this is? I usually associate gay bars as just places for fun, no-strings attached kinda deals. But the author (who is a professor) thinks it's a good idea to try to meet guys at bars. He just says that drinking alcohol should be avoided in this instance, and a club soda plus a twist of lime would do.

    I'm conflicted.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 2:16 AM GMT
    Let's face it: In order to meet gay people with a premise of dating or sex, one must have a way to know they are gay before making any advances.. It's a bit harder for gay men to find mates because it's not all black and white... A straight man generally assumes that a woman is straight, visa versa - boom, many opportunities for connection. But a gay man has to play silly mind games, awkwardly stare and hope the guy awkwardly stares back, or be ballsy and make a fool of himself, ask, and be shut down by a straighty.

    Gay men, without a place to congregate, would have it pretty damned rough in the man-finding game.


    I would guess that gay sports teams, event groups, and DATING websites could be better than a bar. Let's be honest - it's hard to have a great conversation in a bar right off he bat... Those other choices allow you to get to know many gay men in a very social setting and THEN make a move, eliminates the "blind date" feeling you'd get asking a stranger out at a bar. But it's all really a game of chance...



    P.S. The author (who is professor) can't tell you where you might meet that special someone.

    P.P.S. You can't assume that any one venue is strictly meant for meeting any type of guy. If you are considering looking for an ideal mate at a bar, there have to be others like you. The same goes for the internet, a bath house, a glory hole, that nude hiking trail with all the old men, Kmart, etc ...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 2:41 AM GMT
    I would say a bar isn't bad if you're not drinking. However, once alcohol is involved the mind becomes unfocused.

    There is no set rule to meeting men. I left my phone number at Old Navy where my first boyfriend worked. Four wonderful years later we split.

    The hardest problem is finding men that don't fit the stereotypical gay man with a huge ego problem. I find that all the time even in myself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 3:19 AM GMT
    ThePenIsMyTier saidLet's face it: In order to meet gay people with a premise of dating or sex, one must have a way to know they are gay before making any advances.. It's a bit harder for gay men to find mates because it's not all black and white...

    Gay men, without a place to congregate, would have it pretty damned rough in the man-finding game.


    That's some great insight, and I agree. It's just I generally associate negative things with bars because of how some gay guy friends I know act when going to them. I don't know if it's the best place to honestly meet a guy because there always seems to be a pretense of wanting to get into someone's pants.

    I just wish I hung around more gays I guess.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 3:27 AM GMT
    Hm... well the only place that I usually find out about "gay" non-bar events (sports leagues, dance classes, etc.) is by looking at the bulletin board in the gay bars.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 5:00 AM GMT
    AznDude87 saidSo I'm reading a book about gay men and dating. In one chapter, it suggests that one should go to a place where gay men are in order to meet new men, and gay bars are the first places to be mentioned.

    What do you think the validity of this is?


    I find it annoying to go out to a gay bar, or meet someone and go to a gay bar; and have to meet 4 or 5 of their X's and fuck buddies on the first night. After last weekend's example of that, I no longer have the desire to go to a gay bar with the intention of meeting anyone.

    Sure you can meet people at bars, but I think that's ALL the author was referring to. Just expanding your horizons. Meeting guys from bars has become more of a headache than pleasure. And I don't want to be bothered anymore. That's why I been seeing a guy for 2 months now, who doesn't even go to bars anymore. Where as, the ones who stay up in there never amount to anything serious. How can they? Everytime they go out on the weekend, they see 2 or 3 guys who they fucked and in and out of affairs with them.

    Clubs aren't proper settings for dating. I used to wanted to believe it was but it isn't, for the reasons I stated above and now my eyes have been opened. I see the light.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 5:13 AM GMT
    I can definitely see where people would want to avoid the bar scene. It is trite, petty and shallow. It's also were people congregate though. I met my husband of 12 years at a bar. I'm grateful that I gave it a go, even against my instinct at the time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 5:15 AM GMT
    Pros: The guys at a gay bar are (most likely) gay, they want to socialize

    Cons: They might be drunks, they might just be looking to hook-up


    If you see a guy at a gay bar you would like to know better, then meet him. If you're looking to date, tell this to the guy. If you're chatting with the guy and you think you'd like to date him, make plans for a real date (something outside of the gay bar or hopping into bed).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 5:29 AM GMT
    Ravco saidI can definitely see where people would want to avoid the bar scene. It is trite, petty and shallow. It's also were people congregate though. I met my husband of 12 years at a bar. I'm grateful that I gave it a go, even against my instinct at the time.


    Well congratulations LOL. An exception to the rule.

    But more often than not that isn't the case for most of us. I never meet people in the bar who want to settle down. Much less date!

    It's amazing that even when I don't meet a guy from the bar, but he likes going and invites me there..they start acting up almost the moment they step in the door. Mixing game with yak is rarely a good idea.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 5:32 AM GMT
    mochamuscle said
    Ravco saidI can definitely see where people would want to avoid the bar scene. It is trite, petty and shallow. It's also were people congregate though. I met my husband of 12 years at a bar. I'm grateful that I gave it a go, even against my instinct at the time.


    Well congratulations LOL. An exception to the rule.

    But more often than not that isn't the case for most of us. I never meet people in the bar who want to settle down. Much less date!

    It's amazing that even when I don't meet a guy from the bar, but he likes going and invites me there..they start acting up almost the moment they step in the door. Mixing game with yak is rarely a good idea.


    So true. An instant red flag too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 5:35 AM GMT
    Ravco said
    So true. An instant red flag too.


    To add, I find 99% of the time, guys my age from adam4adam frequent bars too. So it's leaving me less inclined to use that as well.

    It's all the same premise and they all operate the same: forever bachelors, 2 or 3 fuck buddies/x's always looking, always horny, always looking for sex...sick disgusting BASTARDS!

    People in bars and a4a have 1 thing in common: they will never be satisfied with what's in front of them. They always looking for something else. 12 years ago, there was just AOL and bars (if I'm correct). So if you found someone local in a bar, all the better. These days, there's double the options. Much less opportunity.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 5:44 AM GMT
    I met my BF at a bar when neither one of us was "looking" for anything.

    December will be 13 years together. icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif

    Live your life and LIFE will find you one way or another regardless of where you hang out.

    But chances of meeting gay guys are a LOT higher in gay hang-outs.

    Don't get drunk.

    And DON"T go in with 6 giggling fag hags from your company's HR dept. It is like a vaginal wall of fire that will keep you from getting laid, looked at, talked to or taken seriously in any way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 5:58 AM GMT
    Cash saidI met my BF at a bar when neither one of us was "looking" for anything.

    December will be 13 years together. icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif

    And DON"T go in with 6 giggling fag hags from your company's HR dept. It is like a vaginal wall of fire that will keep you from getting laid, looked at, talked to or taken seriously in any way.


    LOL, thats funny. So many times I see that happen. But it can happen with a group of boys too.

    From the sound of it, seems like times have changed. You and another guy mentioned meeting someone 12 and 13 years ago. I personally haven't known any friends from bars who have stayed with someone from the bar for that long. I guess the availability of hookup sites has made people feel that they don't have to work hard to meet guys in the club.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 10:12 AM GMT
    The simple fact is that to meet gay guys you have to go where the gay guys are. Depending on where you live that can be different places though.

    My city isn't particularly large, so there aren't a lot of gay things to do. The gays socialize in basically two ways: Adam4Adam and the one gay bar on Friday night. As sketchy as both those things can be at times, the facts are the facts: those are sometimes the only reliable pools of gay men to be had.

    I think in any situation where you're there to mingle in a gay crowd you have to be certain and very clear about yourself most of all. Even if other guys are there to cruise, if you're very clear that you're not there for that - whether on Adam, Grindr, at the bar, at the beach, whatever - you'll come across those guys who are there for what you're there for.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 10:37 AM GMT
    I now work at a gay bar. I see people I've hooked up with as well as others who are more akin to the departed Mohamed in their relationships. It's awkward but there is little to no judgment based on the intention of your visit.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Nov 04, 2011 10:39 AM GMT
    FrostedFlakes saidI now work at a gay bar. I see people I've hooked up with as well as others who are more akin to the departed Mohamed in their relationships. It's awkward but there is little to no judgment based on the intention of your visit.


    does that mean i get free drinks?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 5:35 PM GMT
    Cash saidI met my BF at a bar when neither one of us was "looking" for anything.

    December will be 13 years together. icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif

    Live your life and LIFE will find you one way or another regardless of where you hang out.

    But chances of meeting gay guys are a LOT higher in gay hang-outs.

    Don't get drunk.

    And DON"T go in with 6 giggling fag hags from your company's HR dept. It is like a vaginal wall of fire that will keep you from getting laid, looked at, talked to or taken seriously in any way.


    Congratulations! I wish to find someone who can be as long-term as that. And you gave some pretty good advice. I used to hang out with fag hags a lot, and they were definite cock blockers. I'm gonna try this next time I go out to a bar. No drinking and just checking out the sights. Not cruising though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 11:17 PM GMT
    Personally, I don't enjoy going to bars to meet people... Just because it's hard to find a quality person at these settings... Mainly everyone is there to get hooked up or what not... But it's been a while since I've been out clubbing and when I do go I usually tend to go with my friends and such.... Idk maybe I should try venturing out again =P

    Bars and clubs maybe a good place to make some friends but I don't expect to find my next husband sitting on the bar stool ordering a vodka tonic icon_razz.gif or who knows maybe I willicon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 11:30 PM GMT
    I have done a study were I have counted how many unaccompanied guys walk into a gay club/ bar. It's around 6%. 94% then are with someone or with friends. So I don't think the odds are in favor of you meeting someone that way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 04, 2011 11:33 PM GMT
    Cash saidI.....And DON"T go in with 6 giggling fag hags from your company's HR dept. It is like a vaginal wall of fire that will keep you from getting laid, looked at, talked to or taken seriously in any way.

    I wouldn't be intimidated by a vaginal army. I can read Grace better than I can read Will.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2011 12:44 AM GMT
    JakeGHK said
    FrostedFlakes saidI now work at a gay bar. I see people I've hooked up with as well as others who are more akin to the departed Mohamed in their relationships. It's awkward but there is little to no judgment based on the intention of your visit.


    You work at a gay bar?
    You hooked up?


    Yes and yes. I'm not entirely antisocial. Pretty soon I probably will be but not quite yet.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2011 12:52 AM GMT
    Has it come this? You need a book with instructions about going to the club?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2011 12:59 AM GMT
    FrostedFlakes said
    JakeGHK said
    FrostedFlakes saidI now work at a gay bar. I see people I've hooked up with as well as others who are more akin to the departed Mohamed in their relationships. It's awkward but there is little to no judgment based on the intention of your visit.


    You work at a gay bar?
    You hooked up?


    Yes and yes. I'm not entirely antisocial. Pretty soon I probably will be but not quite yet.


    Is being a human glory hole considered "working at a gay bar" these days?

    Kidz!

    Funny world...
  • NerdLifter

    Posts: 1509

    Nov 05, 2011 2:30 AM GMT
    Gay bars are honestly not everyone's cup o' Picard's earl grey. I personally loathe bars/clubs, too loud and dark, not my way to get to know someone. Where does that leave me? Single. But I'd rather be single than groped by some perv in the club.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2011 4:36 AM GMT
    FACT ABOUT GAY BARS: These tend not to be regular bars that just happen to have gay men, like I wish they did.

    FACT ABOUT GAY BARS: These are the places that you see on tv with strippers, pole dancers, drag queens, and other "gay" stuff.

    FACT SUPPORTED BY: I live in Montreal.

    icon_smile.gif