Queen Elizabeth’s letter to America.

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    Nov 06, 2011 6:36 PM GMT
    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
    In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

    Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’). (I love that one)

    Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’ ‘ (I love that one too)

    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)

    8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

    11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

    13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

    God Save the Queen!

    icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 06, 2011 6:49 PM GMT
    009rg824
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    Nov 06, 2011 7:03 PM GMT
    Kinda old:
    http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=226910826787&topic=12874
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    Nov 06, 2011 9:56 PM GMT
    As a Canadian, I love it, very funny.
  • tennsjock

    Posts: 349

    Nov 06, 2011 10:08 PM GMT
    Fine, but we need a few things in return:

    1. British television shows must run for a full 20-23 episode season, not the truncated 10-12 episode season y'all currently have. I need more Doctor Who!

    2. "Y'all" is a perfectly acceptable contraction of "you" and "all". If you don't like it, come up with another word to distinguish between "you" plural and "you" singular.

    3. Braces and proper dental care should be mandatory for all children.
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    Nov 07, 2011 12:15 AM GMT


    3. Braces and proper dental care should be mandatory for all children.[/quote]

    +1
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    Nov 07, 2011 12:17 AM GMT
    I refuse to revert back to British spelling. It's too French for my taste. At least American spellings are closer to the original words from Latin!
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    Nov 07, 2011 12:22 AM GMT
    Whew, it's about time. I love the idea of being a monarchy but can we have our own king and queen and royal family? I have nothing against the British royal family and have nothing but respect for them; but, how about a man or woman of aristocratic lineage of ANY race/color (definitely NOT the Kennedy's!) marry a member of the British royal family?

    And high tea daily at 1600 hours sounds mighty fine too.
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    Nov 07, 2011 2:47 AM GMT
    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    tumblr_lu5v1e2bG51qak3zr.gif

    tumblr_lu3o0alTSB1qissdv.gif

    tumblr_ltds6g3J3k1qa8ynr.gif

    tumblr_ltbxieIG0H1qem2j3.gif

    tumblr_ltcgdfBbVC1r4ek2lo1_250.gif

    America implodes. Building infrastructure diminishes. People feel like they're getting more gas for their money. We actually have to start paying attention to the km marker on our speedometers.
  • offshore

    Posts: 1294

    Nov 07, 2011 2:50 AM GMT
    Here's one the EU issued to HM Goverment:

    The European Commission

    The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".

    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

    In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.

    By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!

    Herr Schmidt
  • ggst82

    Posts: 83

    Nov 07, 2011 3:19 AM GMT
    Herr Schmidt's letter is pretty good. You have to be quick and on your toes.

    As for take two of HM's letter...it was better suited for the year 2000 when it originally was circulated. You know after Al Gore was elected President and then the Supreme Court overruled the popular vote and appointed GW the chief executive. It fit better then...if anything a more current letter should probably have come from General Secretary/President Hu.

    Either way I still laughed...
  • KissTheSky

    Posts: 1981

    Nov 07, 2011 4:51 AM GMT
    Hahaha, I love it!
    I say we give it a try... I like soccer better than American football, anyway. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2011 6:58 AM GMT
    Meh, whatever.

    Do you think Americans really care about the British monarch (maybe they'll watch a movie or two during awards season but that's about it) when Brits don't even care about the crown.
    Just ask Dennis

    ...or Morrissey
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    Nov 07, 2011 1:03 PM GMT
    erizo said

    3. Braces and proper dental care should be mandatory for all children.


    +1 [/quote]

    not only are braces obligatory in the UK, they are free for children through our NHS. No idea why the generation above us have bad teeth. Mine are perfect...... and free!!
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    Nov 07, 2011 1:05 PM GMT
    Rodcet said6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    tumblr_lu5v1e2bG51qak3zr.gif

    tumblr_lu3o0alTSB1qissdv.gif

    tumblr_ltds6g3J3k1qa8ynr.gif

    tumblr_ltbxieIG0H1qem2j3.gif

    tumblr_ltcgdfBbVC1r4ek2lo1_250.gif

    America implodes. Building infrastructure diminishes. People feel like they're getting more gas for their money. We actually have to start paying attention to the km marker on our speedometers.


    We use 'miles' for our road systems, just so u know, its just the rest of europe that uses km.
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    Nov 07, 2011 1:26 PM GMT
    'Tis in poor taste, and far too much for me to take. Someone hand me a hankie, please.
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    Nov 07, 2011 1:35 PM GMT
    divvy198509 said
    Rodcet said6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    tumblr_lu5v1e2bG51qak3zr.gif

    tumblr_lu3o0alTSB1qissdv.gif

    tumblr_ltds6g3J3k1qa8ynr.gif

    tumblr_ltbxieIG0H1qem2j3.gif

    tumblr_ltcgdfBbVC1r4ek2lo1_250.gif

    America implodes. Building infrastructure diminishes. People feel like they're getting more gas for their money. We actually have to start paying attention to the km marker on our speedometers.


    We use 'miles' for our road systems, just so u know, its just the rest of europe that uses km.


    True HM would impose Imperial units not metric
  • fitartistsf

    Posts: 638

    Nov 07, 2011 1:52 PM GMT
    Oh, bugger off.... Tossers

    LOLOLOL....
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    Nov 07, 2011 2:18 PM GMT
    Not bad at all. there were a few americanisms in the language that gave away the writers must have been American. but on the whole quite an entertaining read.. i enjoyed it lol
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    Nov 07, 2011 9:35 PM GMT
    divvy198509 said
    Rodcet said[Bunch of stuff]


    We use 'miles' for our road systems, just so u know, its just the rest of europe that uses km.


    Oh that's a relief.
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    Nov 07, 2011 9:42 PM GMT
    That was funny icon_smile.gif Good laugh
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    Nov 07, 2011 10:34 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk said


    Thank you for the link
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2011 10:42 PM GMT
    divvy198509 said
    Rodcet said6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    tumblr_lu5v1e2bG51qak3zr.gif

    tumblr_lu3o0alTSB1qissdv.gif

    tumblr_ltds6g3J3k1qa8ynr.gif

    tumblr_ltbxieIG0H1qem2j3.gif

    tumblr_ltcgdfBbVC1r4ek2lo1_250.gif

    America implodes. Building infrastructure diminishes. People feel like they're getting more gas for their money. We actually have to start paying attention to the km marker on our speedometers.


    We use 'miles' for our road systems, just so u know, its just the rest of europe that uses km.


    Yeah...I read that above and I was gonna say...mmm... you mean "king's measurements"

    Now the American gallon is a unique measure.. do we have to change that?
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    Nov 07, 2011 10:50 PM GMT
    point five
    I can not give up my guns icon_mad.gif
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    Nov 07, 2011 10:54 PM GMT
    tennsjock said

    2. "Y'all" is a perfectly acceptable contraction of "you" and "all". If you don't like it, come up with another word to distinguish between "you" plural and "you" singular.


    Try "Ye" and "Thou".