A life quandary of my own doing

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2011 11:39 PM GMT
    Please excuse what is a long and depressing stream of consciousness. I'm not a troll but I am a regular poster here but I wanted to take advantage of the "anonymity of the internet" and express something that has been eating inside of me for some time now under another name. I have no excuses for any what is described below and only have myself to blame for my situation.

    My childhood was pretty repressed. I spent my formative years away from my parents at a all boys boarding school that stressed "toughness." And when I returned home for highschool it was largely in a non-emotional household. I can't remember either of my parents ever saying they loved me or my siblings. I came out at 16 and my parents accepted this but I was forbidden from telling anyone outside of them because of "how it would look" so I'm now the "lone bachelor" at my family gatherings now that most of my siblings and cousins are married. Now, I'm at this point in my life fine with it and this I really don't care anymore what anyone in my family thinks. I think because of my upbringing I am a total commitment-phobe tho. I won't take a long-term job and I won't sign up for a long-term gym membership or even sign a cell-phone contract. I always need an "out" and the ability to pick up and leave or else I basically don't sleep at night. I never leave, I just feel constrained if the ability isn't there.

    I came out of a 6 year relationship with someone that I loved but it had morphed into a friendship/dependency thing. One day we basically woke up and said "This isn't working" and shook hands and parted amicably. We still to this day continue to be closer than most committed couples and we confide and rely on each other for advice. Upon my prodding, I asked him what it was like to date me. His response was "You were always there when I needed you but showing affection verbally or physically never happened. I knew you cared because you anticipated things I needed and proactively tried to make me happy." Ouch, not the nicest thing I've heard but its 100% true. I was fairly young and stupid but it damaged me deep down because I'd based my feelings of love on "happy ever after," not that sometimes it just doesn't work out even when people love each other. It sort of jaded me and made me believe that love wasn't a real thing, that even in the best relationship where you get along, have a ton of stuff in common and don't fight, that even then it wouldn't work out. So I buried myself with work and feeling disappointed that this is how it works and generally feeling sorry for myself.

    But my problem isn't centering on that. Shortly after I broke up with the above I met a young man who took, what could be best described as "a shining" to me. I wasn't really feeling like I wanted to date anyone but he persisted and said he'd wait. He'd go out of his way to come see me, bring me small gifts and generally all he wanted was to spend time with me. We spent 3 years together. During this time, I pushed away and was always "looking over my shoulder at the door". I was totally and completely content with him even when other, hotter, more successful guys hit on me. So I wasn't looking for anyone else, I just feared being tied down in case I wanted to leave. And I was horrible: I even told him it wasn't going to work out on his 21st birthday. And probably in one of the most horrible moments in my life, one time he told me he loved me and I responded "No you don't, you're too young to know what love even is." And shockingly enough, he eventually left me and severed contact. We work together so we occasionally see each other and its silent. Co-workers tell me he's just a little bit shorter and angrier now. I know that this is because of me.

    Its tough because I literally have wanted to settle down since I was 17 with one person. I don't aspire to have the next hottest thing in the room and I don't want to end up being one of those people whos waiting for someone perfect, instead of realizing whats perfect for me. And I realized that this boy was perfect for me. He gave me butterflies and I looked forward to seeing him. He brightened my day and honestly I enjoyed being around him and for some reason just seeing his beautiful, crooked little smile just made everything ok. I just never told him that. I never wanted to hurt him (or anyone for that matter), I was just selfish.

    So I guess my issue is not only do I miss this person like I'd miss air but everyday I have to look at myself in the mirror and face that I hurt this person that I loved. I think that might be the worst part: facing yourself when you realize that maybe the reason you're alone is directly caused by your own actions and the way you've treated someone. I've been on dates but nobody to date has given me "butterflies" as silly as it sounds and made me feel this way. I wanted this person in my life. I wanted him beside me at family gatherings and I wanted to be at his. Its stupid, at 31 years old that I feel like this but sometimes when its right, its right.

    Its been months but it doesn't seem to be getting any easier, just more difficult. This is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last before I sleep. I don't know what to do....
  • Bowyn_Aerrow

    Posts: 357

    Nov 08, 2011 12:00 AM GMT
    You have some pretty deep 'stuff' there that is going to require a lot more than a post without a face and virtual strangers telling you what they think, or what they think you want to hear.

    You need therapy, therapy to work through all of these issues and therapy to learn to identify those behaviors as they arise and learn tools to help you to work through those in a more healthy manner.

    No its not going to be easy, no there are no quick sudden fixes, it is a work in progress, and if you are screwed up decently enough (Many of us are, nothing to be shameful of) then that work in progress will continue for a very long time.

    You have done the hardest step toward recovering, admitting (seeing) that you have a problem. I would hope you will stop actively trying to hook up with a person until you get some sort of therapy going on. Its hard to work on 'me' when you are part of an 'us'. And right now you need to work on the 'me'.

    I do not think you can turn back the hands of time, you can however move forward.

    I do not know if you have a chance to 'rekindle' with this guy or not. However I think for both of your sakes, you need to pretty much take what you written here and type up a letter (not an email, a paper letter) and give it to him.

    A letter will allow you to compose your thoughts, thus you will be able to address what it is on your mind, reading and fine tuning to get the 'right words'. No real pressure, no need to think quickly.

    A letter will give him reason to read your thoughts through without interrupting and jumping to conclusions.

    Explain to him what you explained to us, then apologize IF you feel an apology is in order.

    It may not bring him back to you, but it may help ease his hurt.

  • ineedausernam...

    Posts: 118

    Nov 08, 2011 3:12 AM GMT
    anonymousrunner said
    ...

    And I realized that this boy was perfect for me. He gave me butterflies and I looked forward to seeing him. He brightened my day and honestly I enjoyed being around him and for some reason just seeing his beautiful, crooked little smile just made everything ok. I just never told him that. I never wanted to hurt him (or anyone for that matter), I was just selfish.
    ...

    I've been on dates but nobody to date has given me "butterflies" as silly as it sounds and made me feel this way. I wanted this person in my life. I wanted him beside me at family gatherings and I wanted to be at his. Its stupid, at 31 years old that I feel like this but sometimes when its right, its right.
    ...

    Its been months but it doesn't seem to be getting any easier, just more difficult. This is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last before I sleep. I don't know what to do....


    Why don't you tell him all of this...?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 10, 2011 5:32 AM GMT
    Bowyn_Aerrow said

    You need therapy, therapy to work through all of these issues and therapy to learn to identify those behaviors as they arise and learn tools to help you to work through those in a more healthy manner.



    I also think therapy would be great for you. For myself i read allot of self help/psychiatry books. I find it helps me better understand myself and others. Clears my mind. I usually reach for Nathanial Brandon's books. I'm not sure if that's what is right for you. Regardless; it sounds like you need to find a way to resolve what's bothering you. Not only to make yourself a better date, but for the most part to give yourself peace of mind. When you mentioned that your ex said you were always there for him, but not really affectionate... I thought I'd be great-full to have that. It sounds like your hearts in the right place. I think that's a very attractive quality.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 10, 2011 3:06 PM GMT


    "Its been months but it doesn't seem to be getting any easier, just more difficult. This is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last before I sleep. I don't know what to do...."


    What you will do is not do what you did again. icon_wink.gif

    ...and yes, there will be others that give you butterflies in your stomach. And NEXT time you'll be different, right?

    In the meantime, I'd probably find a good psychologist to re-hash some of this with and gain further perspective.



    Have you apologized to that young man yet?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 10, 2011 7:09 PM GMT
    Well......its funny how things work.

    I was on mobile adam4adam later that night after posting here just seeing whats out there and who should email me but the ex. He recognized a tattoo I have. We talked and actually he ended up coming over here and we messed around. He was actually very sweet.

    We left it open ended but the fact we spoke for nearly an hour via text and then some after the deed speaks that somewhere, somehow he's forgiven some of it. We didn't bring up anything from the past and kept it light. I feel alot better and honestly, I don't know if it will happen again or will go further than that night but even if it doesn't, I think that helped me get over the hump of at least knowing hes not at home sticking needles in a doll of me and blacking out pictures of us together.

    But yes, I am actively seeking a therapist to help sort out things from my past and my commitment issues. I'd like to prevent this from happening ever again.

    Thanks for letting me air some dirty laundry here guys and the advice.