A balance problem??

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 08, 2011 4:58 PM GMT
    I'm dating a great guy...could be "the" one. He's a total top and I'm a versatile top. Balance in a relationship is very important to me and I'm feeling like things are unequal. Can it work....seriously?
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    Nov 08, 2011 5:03 PM GMT
    Does he express any reasons for being a "total" top?

    I ask because I don't think I've met a top in person who was 1) genuinely a total top or 2) had a philosophy for being a top beyond "I like topping" (which is usually why #1 was so often the case).

    Plus... for myself, speaking as a guy who is 95% top and will not bottom for a trick, I've always thought that I don't like having those kinds of boundaries for someone I love. My boyfriend could fuck me whenever he wanted.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Nov 08, 2011 9:06 PM GMT
    Reborn68 saidI'm dating a great guy...could be "the" one. He's a total top and I'm a versatile top. Balance in a relationship is very important to me and I'm feeling like things are unequal. Can it work....seriously?
    humm, this is a tricky one. i suggest you sit down to talk to him about this subject because if its important to you than it needs to be something with consider doing with you. if never intends to bottom at all than you might need to cut your lost before you get too deep.
    listen, i am total top. i already know that if i meet the one that this will be something i will have to consider doing. i may not like it but if it makes my partner happy than so be it.
  • jim_sf

    Posts: 2094

    Nov 08, 2011 9:44 PM GMT
    There's also the matter of whether he's ever bottomed. I realize (and celebrate!) that some people prefer to top, but every top should bottom at least once in his life, if only to establish that he actually prefers to top. (Similarly, every bottom should top at least once in his life, for the same reason.)

    If he is one of those rare 1000% tops, and he has empirical evidence to support his claim, then you don't necessarily have to bottom every time the two of you are intimate. There are plenty of other options, including but not limited to frottage, oral sex, mutual masturbation, and toy play.
  • newbiebottom

    Posts: 38

    Nov 08, 2011 11:49 PM GMT
    i hear you. up until my current bf, i had never bottomed. he had bottomed a few times in the past and did not like it. we are both in our thirties, and we believe that we are life mates. it was tough in the beginning and we had several talks about equitability. both of us have bottomed for the other, i still struggle with it, but i am working on getting better and enjoying that position more. i do this because i love him.

    its funny, i do think that we dont have as much sex as traditional bottoms and tops because, we are always negotiating this issues. in general , we "take turns" bottoming.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 09, 2011 2:02 AM GMT
    Good sex is huge in a relationship...

    I agree with Larkin that "total tops" never have a good reason... I think it's a control issue or a masculinity complex. Or possibly he isn't comfortable 100% with gay sex...

    One reason that would make sense: his asshole is sewn shut or otherwise compromised and it is extremely painful.
  • Bowyn_Aerrow

    Posts: 357

    Nov 09, 2011 3:45 AM GMT

    He is a great guy means what exactly? No don't tell me I personally don't want to know. This is something you should ask yourself. I strongly suggest a pen/pencil and a piece of paper to write down those qualities you see that make him a great guy and make him the potential 'The One'. Once you have that list, then ask yourself:

    'Is being a bottom for life something I would want with all of these qualities that also come with the package?'

    Sex is far much more than 'getting off'. Like it or not (most gays flat refuse to even consider it) our roll in bed has much to do with our sense of security or to be the security giver, our need to be 'taken care of' or 'care for' the other. When a guy wants to be inside of another guy there is a lot more going on there than just sex. When a guy wants a guy inside of him, again there is a lot more than just sex.

    There are needs and wants beyond mere animal lust and the momentary pleasure of the climax. It is a very complex thing, emotional, spiritual, physical, all of this on many different levels.

    So I ask another question: What do you get out of sex?

    Again, don't tell me, I do not need to know. You need to once again make a list, make a searching and fearless list - an inventory as much as you can, include how it feels when X takes place. Not just the pleasure bit, but the deeper emotions.

    Then ask yourself if you can actually live without/with these emotions being satisfied then weight those against the earlier list of his being a 'great guy'.

    Can it work, yes, if you can see the potential relationship being rewarding to you emotionally and spiritually in other ways. Will it be easy? Unknown, not until you figure out what it is you get out of being Top/Bottom and figure out if you can pass on being the top.

    Also don't forget to communicate with him your concerns. He might be willing to bend a little, a little give and take should happen in a healthy relationship. If he cares about you, he might be willing to do for you that he won't with others.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 09, 2011 3:44 PM GMT

    "He's a total top and I'm a versatile top. Balance in a relationship is very important to me and I'm feeling like things are unequal."


    ...but is the lovemaking good?
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    Nov 09, 2011 4:09 PM GMT
    I actually know two top guys, who have been married a good while now.

    They love each other to bits, though one does not feel comfortable bottoming, so the other one, who doesn't mind does not think it's a big deal.
    From my point of view, I agree with you, there should be balance.
    I mean... I always been Top only!
    Not because of control or anything, I physically could not take even small fingure up my butt.
    It hurt like hell!
    On one occasion I tried bottoming for one guy as he was as hot as hell, but it simply did not work even with a tonne of lube. He left disappointed.
    I was nearly kicking my own butt for being so bloody tight.
    After that I thought I'd better train it myself.
    I went through hell even with a smallest butt-plug.
    Eventually I moved to a medium one, but still it's a killer.
    I now can take it like a man, but have no pleasure from doing it.
    I might be missing a prostate or something.
    In fact, one prostate masseur in London said the same, that he cannot achieve pleasure he gives others by massaging prostate.
    So there are guys, who physically cannot do it.
    So it's between you two to decide if you can live with it...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 09, 2011 4:23 PM GMT
    nottsguy33 saidI might be missing a prostate or something.

    ...So it's between you two to decide if you can live with it...

    It's true that some men, like myself, get very little pleasure from prostate stimulation. Others can orgasm from it. I learned to be a bottom to please other guys, and I generate my enjoyment from it psychologically. But I'm the better top.

    So I agree it's a matter between the lovers to decide, how important doing different kinds of sex is. Adhering to preconceived formulas is a fatal mistake.