I need help with coming out... (UPDATED)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 09, 2011 5:12 AM GMT
    November 10 Update:
    I decided to tell my sister. She lives in Dubai, so I had to skype her...I immediately started sobbing telling her how much I love her and my family, but I have to be true to myself and that I'm so scared of my family shunning me....and then I told her I never had any interest in women.

    She started asking me if I ever think of women, or if I think of men, and I wanna sleep with men and if I wanna live my life with a man? I said yes...I cried several times during the convo. I told her I tried changing, but I can't and this is who I am...and that I'm tired of talking to my friends about it, I wanna talk to my family about it.

    She told me she still loves me, she wishes it wasn't like this, but she still loves me. She said she had guessed it because of my musical choices, my friends being mostly girls, and just the things I enjoy...

    She said to not tell my parents until one day if it ever comes to that...and that day, I will be independent and maybe I can tell them, but because of their cultural viewings and beliefs, they just will not accept it and will get sick. Some friends told me, well let them get sick, but I can't do that to my parents...they are older (dad 70, mom 58, both lived in Iran until 10 years ago).

    She also told me not to tell my brother since he NEVER can keep his mouth shut, but she is going to think about telling my oldest sister about it...my oldest sis comes to the US November 26th from Iran. Hopefully she'll be accepting too.

    I feel so much better. She told me that I have to continue with my fake girlfriend and have her come over more (she's my bff) for now...which is fine, but sucks...and the guy I'm dating, well I guess we just have to be super careful.

    I got very VERY little sleep last night, but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I wish things were different and I could be myself completely to my family, but having one sister (and hopefully another) behind me at this time is more than I could have imagined when I got out of bed this morning.

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    Hi guys.

    I'm a pretty active RJ member, but because of some recent developments, I have to hide my profile for a bit.

    Let me give a little background. I'm 21 years old, and come from a Persian family...super anti-gay, etc blah blah.

    Over the past 2-3 years, I really came to know myself a great deal and become a stronger person, comfortable with who I am. Unfortunately, my family comes from a culture where being gay is the worst thing that could happen to a family and can ruin everything.

    Last night I got home and I noticed my mom was very distraught. I asked her what's wrong? She said she can't tell me right now. I said well who is it about? She said you. Immediately I know it must be something about my sexuality. A few weeks ago, I told her a scenario about parents kicking their kids out for being gay and it was a tough convo...and I'm also seeing someone for a little over two months now, just to give you a little background.

    Half hour later, I took her to my bedroom to talk, while my heart was racing because I somehow knew what this was about. She told me yesterday morning, a guy named "Justin" called the house phone number and told her I'm gay. My mom told him that he's lying, but he said he is not...and to check my computer and I talk to guys online (which is not true, I only talk to friends)...and that I only listen to girly music (HUGE Britney fan), and that I dance like a girl, etc.

    My mom was sobbing, and I remained calm although inside I was shaking. She told me I need to calm her down, and made me swear on my niece's life that I'm not gay...I sadly had to do it because she told me she would never accept it and would let me go, aka, kick me out of the house. I just don't know why someone would do that to me. At this point, I graduate on December 15th and I don't yet have a job secured post graduation...so I cannot just get kicked out although I do have friends who have offered me to stay with them...

    I decided to lay really low for the next few weeks until I graduate. Hopefully I'll get a real job by then since no one seems to respond anymore...and once I'm financially stable, I can take that step.

    But I just want to know what I should/shouldn't be doing...I'm so scared...
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Nov 09, 2011 5:24 AM GMT
    Hang in there! Some of us have been where you are now. I'm here for you if you need to talk. icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 09, 2011 5:44 AM GMT
    I would suggest going to stay at a friends place, asap! You're basically facing the threat of being outed to the rest of your family, and I certainly wouldn't want to be around all that stress, especially at this junction in your career. How would you feel if they (your parents) kicked you out the day before you graduate? Plus, it would be safer to talk it out with them...from a distance.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Nov 09, 2011 5:50 AM GMT
    wade_in_BC saidI would suggest going to stay at a friends place, asap! You're basically facing the threat of being outed to the rest of your family, and I certainly wouldn't want to be around all that stress, especially at this junction in your career. How would you feel if they (your parents) kicked you out the day before you graduate? Plus, it would be safer to talk it out with them...from a distance.


    He has already said that " She told me I need to calm her down, and made me swear on my niece's life that I'm not gay...I sadly had to do it because she told me she would never accept it and would let me go, aka, kick me out of the house."...so at this point there is no reason to leave unless this mysterious " Justin" knows his whole family and would actually confront them and tell them. He just needs to play it cool for the next few weeks ( and maybe longer). Some of us in the past have had to deny the truth in order to survive and it didn't make us any less of a man. icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 09, 2011 5:56 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear that happened to you. Hope it all turns out well. The waiting game is the best thing, but just in case something slips have a friend ready to help you out, a real one.
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    Nov 09, 2011 6:03 AM GMT
    malefeet said
    wade_in_BC saidI would suggest going to stay at a friends place, asap! You're basically facing the threat of being outed to the rest of your family, and I certainly wouldn't want to be around all that stress, especially at this junction in your career. How would you feel if they (your parents) kicked you out the day before you graduate? Plus, it would be safer to talk it out with them...from a distance.


    He has already said that " She told me I need to calm her down, and made me swear on my niece's life that I'm not gay...I sadly had to do it because she told me she would never accept it and would let me go, aka, kick me out of the house."...so at this point there is no reason to leave unless this mysterious " Justin" knows his whole family and would actually confront them and tell them. He just needs to play it cool for the next few weeks ( and maybe longer). Some of us in the past have had to deny the truth in order to survive and it didn't make us any less of a man. icon_wink.gif


    Well, what's to stop this "Justin" from calling again, and his father from picking up? Or his mom telling his dad? I mean, anything could happen...it has nothing to do with how manly someone is. It's all about personal safety.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Nov 09, 2011 6:11 AM GMT
    wade_in_BC said
    malefeet said
    wade_in_BC saidI would suggest going to stay at a friends place, asap! You're basically facing the threat of being outed to the rest of your family, and I certainly wouldn't want to be around all that stress, especially at this junction in your career. How would you feel if they (your parents) kicked you out the day before you graduate? Plus, it would be safer to talk it out with them...from a distance.


    He has already said that " She told me I need to calm her down, and made me swear on my niece's life that I'm not gay...I sadly had to do it because she told me she would never accept it and would let me go, aka, kick me out of the house."...so at this point there is no reason to leave unless this mysterious " Justin" knows his whole family and would actually confront them and tell them. He just needs to play it cool for the next few weeks ( and maybe longer). Some of us in the past have had to deny the truth in order to survive and it didn't make us any less of a man. icon_wink.gif


    Well, what's to stop this "Justin" from calling again, and his father from picking up? Or his mom telling his dad? I mean, anything could happen...it has nothing to do with how manly someone is. It's all about personal safety.


    I completely agree with your words.....and Justin may indeed call again...and personal safety is a must....however he has already denied it and thus the burden of proof will be on "Justin". My words about being a man were meant for others who may or may not read my response..who always advocate " Go ahead and be a man and come out..." without regard to the individual's circumstances.
    And yes, it would be best to have a friend to go stay with, just in case...but not until things get to that point.
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    Nov 09, 2011 4:35 PM GMT
    Sigh...thanks for the advice so far y'all.
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    Nov 09, 2011 4:46 PM GMT
    Hey OP,

    I am also Persian and gone through a similar situation. When I told my dad he looked at me like I was the spawn of satan and pretty much lost contact with my persian side of the family. Fortunately, my mom is cool with it (though not that side of the family despite the fact they aren't Persian).

    Because of your circumstances, I would recommend just playing the 'straight card' for awhile until you can establish yourself financially so you can live your life. I know it is hard hiding an important part of you but I understand that sometimes it is needed.

    I truly am sorry what you are going through. Just stay strong and hang onto the things that make you happy and feel supported whether it be friends or music...whatever you need. I would recommend telling your family though once you are established...you can only hide it for so long. If your family takes it badly, then you know they are not your true family. Family doesn't have to be by blood.

    I am closer to friends than I am my own family...hell even my own mother. Again, I know it is hard and I can't say how sorry I am and I truly hope for the best for you.

    If you ever need to talk please do not hesitate to send me a message. If you do not feel comfortable chatting about it here just message me and I will be more than happy give you my email.

    We Persian peeps need to stick together!

    -Alex


    also...if you know this Justin kid I would find him and beat the living shit out of him for doing that to you..
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    Nov 09, 2011 9:52 PM GMT
    Thanks, Alex. A lot on my mind right now.
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    Nov 09, 2011 9:56 PM GMT
    Ugh, I am really sorry to hear that. In the meantime do you have any idea who would do this and what their motive could be? Do your friends generally use that # or do you have your own/cell? Just trying to understand why someone would single you out when you have so much at stake right now.
  • shirty

    Posts: 290

    Nov 09, 2011 9:57 PM GMT
    From one Britney stan to another, let me just say you can get through this. Do you have any friends or teachers or anyone you know who can support you through this? Your family may not accept you right now, but hopefully they can come to terms with it over time. You need to be honest with them even if it means going through hell and back to deal with it. I hope things work out and don't be afraid to message me if you need someone to talk to!
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    Nov 09, 2011 9:58 PM GMT
    luvitohateit saidHi guys.

    I'm a pretty active RJ member, but because of some recent developments, I have to hide my profile for a bit.

    Let me give a little background. I'm 21 years old, and come from a Persian family...super anti-gay, etc blah blah.

    Over the past 2-3 years, I really came to know myself a great deal and become a stronger person, comfortable with who I am. Unfortunately, my family comes from a culture where being gay is the worst thing that could happen to a family and can ruin everything.

    Last night I got home and I noticed my mom was very distraught. I asked her what's wrong? She said she can't tell me right now. I said well who is it about? She said you. Immediately I know it must be something about my sexuality. A few weeks ago, I told her a scenario about parents kicking their kids out for being gay and it was a tough convo...and I'm also seeing someone for a little over two months now, just to give you a little background.

    Half hour later, I took her to my bedroom to talk, while my heart was racing because I somehow knew what this was about. She told me yesterday morning, a guy named "Justin" called the house phone number and told her I'm gay. My mom told him that he's lying, but he said he is not...and to check my computer and I talk to guys online (which is not true, I only talk to friends)...and that I only listen to girly music (HUGE Britney fan), and that I dance like a girl, etc.

    My mom was sobbing, and I remained calm although inside I was shaking. She told me I need to calm her down, and made me swear on my niece's life that I'm not gay...I sadly had to do it because she told me she would never accept it and would let me go, aka, kick me out of the house. I just don't know why someone would do that to me. At this point, I graduate on December 15th and I don't yet have a job secured post graduation...so I cannot just get kicked out although I do have friends who have offered me to stay with them...

    I decided to lay really low for the next few weeks until I graduate. Hopefully I'll get a real job by then since no one seems to respond anymore...and once I'm financially stable, I can take that step.

    But I just want to know what I should/shouldn't be doing...I'm so scared...


    At some point, find out who Justin is and sue that sick fuck as soon as you are in a more secure position. He has committed slander and has caused you great hardship. Seriously check it out with a lawyer.
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    Nov 09, 2011 9:59 PM GMT
    I don't know anyone by the name of Justin...and idk who it is. No idea...at this point, it doesn't matter who did it anymore. I've decided I'm gonna tell my sister tomorrow and my brother on Friday. I'm hoping this all works out. I'm so fucking nervous, but I know it's time.

    And no, none of my friends have my house #...I have a cell...but I guess if u know someone's last name, you can look them up on the yellow pages or something. Idk.
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    Nov 09, 2011 10:03 PM GMT
    luvitohateit saidI decided to lay really low for the next few weeks until I graduate. Hopefully I'll get a real job by then since no one seems to respond anymore...and once I'm financially stable, I can take that step.

    But I just want to know what I should/shouldn't be doing...I'm so scared...
    I think you answered your own question.

    *hugs*
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    Nov 09, 2011 10:05 PM GMT
    Anyone curious to know WHO I am, just go to the posts that come up as "hidden member" and click on "Quote" and it'll show who it is...
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    Nov 09, 2011 10:06 PM GMT
    Trollileo said
    luvitohateit saidAnyone curious to know WHO I am, just go to the posts that come up as "hidden member" and click on "Quote" and it'll show who it is...
    You also show up in the "most recently posted" thing.


    Then woops! lol
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    Nov 10, 2011 8:07 PM GMT
    HUGE update up top.