Coping with the loss of a friend to suicide.....Advice needed

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 10, 2011 3:05 AM GMT
    Hi RJ community,


    I don't post on here very often but I figured this would be the best support system. On Sunday nite I found out that one my pledge brothers committed suicide. I'm still in shock and don't know how to cope. I only knew him for four weeks since we were pledging the same fraternity but in that time we got pretty close. I have a feeling of guilt that there was nothing I could do to stop it. He was a US war veteran and only a few years older than myself.

    I feel very sorry and saddened for his family that lives halfway across the country. He has already returned home and they are making arrangements for everything. Do you guys have any advice? Please know that this is a real post and not spam or a troll.

    Please keep his family and friends in your thoughts and prayers

    Thank you


    P.S. Also forgot to mention that the next day I was dropped by the fraternity, which is where most of the guys who knew him are in.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 10, 2011 3:52 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear that. =/


    Talking about it to mutual friends might help. Also, just accept that you're going to go through a period of mourning, as long as you face those feelings head on, talk about it to those who care for you, then i'm certain you'll get through the shock sooner rather than later.

    I wish I could offer some more/better advice, but i'm no expert.

    I'm sure talking about it on here will help you somewhat too, even if only to just get it off your chest. Nobody will troll you.

    My condolences.

    23700.jpg
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    Nov 11, 2011 3:08 AM GMT
    thank you for your condolences guys and advice
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    Nov 11, 2011 3:19 AM GMT
    SmallTOP1953 saidHi RJ community,


    I don't post on here very often but I figured this would be the best support system. On Sunday nite I found out that one my pledge brothers committed suicide. I'm still in shock and don't know how to cope. I only knew him for four weeks since we were pledging the same fraternity but in that time we got pretty close. I have a feeling of guilt that there was nothing I could do to stop it. He was a US war veteran and only a few years older than myself.

    I feel very sorry and saddened for his family that lives halfway across the country. He has already returned home and they are making arrangements for everything. Do you guys have any advice? Please know that this is a real post and not spam or a troll.

    Please keep his family and friends in your thoughts and prayers

    Thank you


    P.S. Also forgot to mention that the next day I was dropped by the fraternity, which is where most of the guys who knew him are in.


    It happens. I lost a friend on UF-175 (09-11-01), he was a flight attendant.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 11, 2011 3:19 AM GMT
    Perhaps you should talk with a therapist or minister?
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    Nov 11, 2011 3:55 AM GMT
    So you were pledging together, he committed suicide, and the next day they kicked you out of the pledge class?

    Sounds like a fraternity you're better off without. Wasn't everybody upset?
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    Nov 12, 2011 6:07 AM GMT
    njmeanwhile saidSo you were pledging together, he committed suicide, and the next day they kicked you out of the pledge class?

    Sounds like a fraternity you're better off without. Wasn't everybody upset?



    Yes everyone was upset including the brothers. They had actually voted on who was going to get initiated on sunday, earlier in the day. It was very upsetting to get dropped the very next day.

    And yes you are right, I am better off with out them. They of course told me that I could try again in the spring. ha ha. You know not like I wouldn't mind doing all the BS all over again for another semester, just to get to the end before initiation and not get picked.


    Thanks but no thanks, I can waste my money on something better and healthier
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 12, 2011 6:11 AM GMT

    It happens. I lost a friend on UF-175 (09-11-01), he was a flight attendant.



    [/quote]

    The situation is different your friend had no control over how he ended up dying. I know that death is a part of life but you didn't give me any advice
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    Nov 12, 2011 6:33 AM GMT
    I think you are feeling guilty because the loss is so keen that your heart is grasping at straws to figure out how you could have prevented this tragedy. Logically there is likely nothing you could have done given that you only knew him for 4 weeks. I'm sure a lot of "What if..." 's are swirling around your head. It's right to be saddened by the loss of your friend but you need to remind yourself that bad things sometimes happen to good people and you can't always prevent it.

    In high school I met an acquaintance of close friends and we instantly hit it off. I just knew in my heart it was potential best friend material. About 3 weeks later he died in a horrific accident (3 years after my brother died I might add) and I was just stunned by it. I wish I got to know him better and I still think of him a few times each year and that was over 30 years ago. I sometimes wonder if any of our mutual friends even think of him anymore. When I remember him now it's with a tinge of regret and i realize it was no more than a tragic event growing up but I am happy I knew him for even a short while. I imagine you may feel the same in time.

    Have courage and just remember the nice times you did have.
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    Nov 12, 2011 6:47 AM GMT
    I'm glad you posted this, and you'll get good thoughts and advice from quite a few thoughtful, caring guys here. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, and while it is normal for you to feel sadness and loss, I hope you will eventually move through that and not feel responsible in any way. It wasn't you, your friend obviously had other issues that were troubling him. I wish people who are despondent could just realize that suicide is a permanent solution to what are often temporary problems. If they could just hang on and talk their situation over with the suicide prevention people, they'd come away with a different point of view.

    I'm sorry also about your not getting into that one house on campus. It happens - and the thing to do is just realize there are other houses. I'm a TDC (Theta Delt) and a lot of my friends are members of fraternities, but just as many of them are not - and so just know you can be as happy, and have just as much fun without pledging a fraternity.

    As a guy who has attended nearly 60 funerals and memorial services in my life, I can tell you that it gets easier. Let us know how you're doing.
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    Nov 12, 2011 4:21 PM GMT
    SmallTOP1953 said
    njmeanwhile saidSo you were pledging together, he committed suicide, and the next day they kicked you out of the pledge class?

    Sounds like a fraternity you're better off without. Wasn't everybody upset?



    Yes everyone was upset including the brothers. They had actually voted on who was going to get initiated on sunday, earlier in the day. It was very upsetting to get dropped the very next day.

    And yes you are right, I am better off with out them. They of course told me that I could try again in the spring. ha ha. You know not like I wouldn't mind doing all the BS all over again for another semester, just to get to the end before initiation and not get picked.


    Thanks but no thanks, I can waste my money on something better and healthier


    If you want to be a part of a fraternal organization but not deal with that kind of crap see if your school has a chapter of Alpha Phi Omega... it is a service vs. a social fraternity (although they do plenty of social stuff too) which does not haze and the pledge process is a lot less arbitrary (though I wouldn't necessarily say easier).

    May not be seen as "cool" as a popular party frat but will give you the same ability to meet people and looks good on your resume too. I have been able to use fraternity connections a few times in my career since.
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    Nov 12, 2011 4:26 PM GMT
    very sorry for your loss.
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    Nov 12, 2011 4:28 PM GMT
    Aww man ... Sorry for that .. even though these words would be useless ... i wish best for u n for all gay ppl around the world ..

    n i wish to hug ya right now ...

    M. !
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    Nov 15, 2011 12:41 AM GMT
    njmeanwhile said
    SmallTOP1953 said
    njmeanwhile saidSo you were pledging together, he committed suicide, and the next day they kicked you out of the pledge class?

    Sounds like a fraternity you're better off without. Wasn't everybody upset?



    Yes everyone was upset including the brothers. They had actually voted on who was going to get initiated on sunday, earlier in the day. It was very upsetting to get dropped the very next day.

    And yes you are right, I am better off with out them. They of course told me that I could try again in the spring. ha ha. You know not like I wouldn't mind doing all the BS all over again for another semester, just to get to the end before initiation and not get picked.


    Thanks but no thanks, I can waste my money on something better and healthier


    If you want to be a part of a fraternal organization but not deal with that kind of crap see if your school has a chapter of Alpha Phi Omega... it is a service vs. a social fraternity (although they do plenty of social stuff too) which does not haze and the pledge process is a lot less arbitrary (though I wouldn't necessarily say easier).

    May not be seen as "cool" as a popular party frat but will give you the same ability to meet people and looks good on your resume too. I have been able to use fraternity connections a few times in my career since.



    Thanks for the suggestion, I actually had looked up that exact service fraternity to see if it was on my campus. It was available at my other school but unfortunately no chapter at this school.

    Right now I am just focusing on being back with my teammates on the rowing team. We are training for spring season and working towards rowing a million meters.

    I really do appreciate you responding to my original post and my reply.
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    Nov 15, 2011 12:41 AM GMT
    sahem62896 saidvery sorry for your loss.


    Thank you
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    Nov 15, 2011 12:42 AM GMT
    Cairo_M saidAww man ... Sorry for that .. even though these words would be useless ... i wish best for u n for all gay ppl around the world ..

    n i wish to hug ya right now ...

    M. !


    Thanks M.
  • Tomz

    Posts: 156

    Nov 15, 2011 12:45 AM GMT
    My condolences RIP, one thing is you can always in remembrance remember him and in this way always honor him...
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    Nov 15, 2011 12:47 AM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidI'm glad you posted this, and you'll get good thoughts and advice from quite a few thoughtful, caring guys here. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, and while it is normal for you to feel sadness and loss, I hope you will eventually move through that and not feel responsible in any way. It wasn't you, your friend obviously had other issues that were troubling him. I wish people who are despondent could just realize that suicide is a permanent solution to what are often temporary problems. If they could just hang on and talk their situation over with the suicide prevention people, they'd come away with a different point of view.

    I'm sorry also about your not getting into that one house on campus. It happens - and the thing to do is just realize there are other houses. I'm a TDC (Theta Delt) and a lot of my friends are members of fraternities, but just as many of them are not - and so just know you can be as happy, and have just as much fun without pledging a fraternity.

    As a guy who has attended nearly 60 funerals and memorial services in my life, I can tell you that it gets easier. Let us know how you're doing.


    Thanks for all of the advice and your condolences. The Greek life at my school is quite small and only one of the fraternities on our campus has a house. I'm not interested in joining any of the other fraternities and since they all communicate with each other, they all know what guys have pledged and been dropped by the other fraternities.
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    Nov 15, 2011 12:47 AM GMT
    Tomz saidMy condolences RIP, one thing is you can always in remembrance remember him and in this way always honor him...


    thank you
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    Nov 15, 2011 12:48 AM GMT
    YVRguy saidI think you are feeling guilty because the loss is so keen that your heart is grasping at straws to figure out how you could have prevented this tragedy. Logically there is likely nothing you could have done given that you only knew him for 4 weeks. I'm sure a lot of "What if..." 's are swirling around your head. It's right to be saddened by the loss of your friend but you need to remind yourself that bad things sometimes happen to good people and you can't always prevent it.

    In high school I met an acquaintance of close friends and we instantly hit it off. I just knew in my heart it was potential best friend material. About 3 weeks later he died in a horrific accident (3 years after my brother died I might add) and I was just stunned by it. I wish I got to know him better and I still think of him a few times each year and that was over 30 years ago. I sometimes wonder if any of our mutual friends even think of him anymore. When I remember him now it's with a tinge of regret and i realize it was no more than a tragic event growing up but I am happy I knew him for even a short while. I imagine you may feel the same in time.

    Have courage and just remember the nice times you did have.



    Thank you for the advice and I'm sorry about what happened to you and your family also.
  • Havenjock80

    Posts: 428

    Nov 15, 2011 12:51 AM GMT
    Hey man my condolences man, If you were pledging NPHC I know they can be Tough. I pledged one in college but I hope that it was not the process that drove him to that. It could be very sad to what is happening with pledge processes now a days. you and your loved ones are in my prayers.icon_sad.gif
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    Nov 15, 2011 12:58 AM GMT
    Havenjock80 said Hey man my condolences man, If you were pledging NPHC I know they can be Tough. I pledged one in college but I hope that it was not the process that drove him to that. It could be very sad to what is happening with pledge processes now a days. you and your loved ones are in my prayers.icon_sad.gif


    Thank you I really appreciate that. I actually wasn't pledging NPHC but we do have a good amount of them on our campus and yes they can be tough.Quite a few of my relatives have pledged various ones and told me about them.
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    Nov 15, 2011 8:18 AM GMT
    swimguychicago saidPerhaps you should talk with a therapist or minister?


    thanks for the suggestion, I will be heading to see my therapist on wednesday of this week.
  • TaylorCoxx

    Posts: 6

    Nov 15, 2011 8:42 AM GMT
    My best "advice", if you will, is simply to keep the family and friends in YOUR PRAYERS.

    Suicide happens among us vets more than you are aware. Not always in obvious ways either.

    Some prefer to drink themselves to death or overdose on drugs. Some are
    simply more wreckless and irresponsible while performing everyday activities, like driving, or hunting, motorcycling, four-wheeling, rock-climbing, etc.

    Just like any other citizen on the street here at home, it happens.

    Being a soldier doesn't make us immune to emotional overload.

    Some are just not as capable as others of coping with the trauma of certain experiences exposed to while on duty.

    Taking into consideration the mindset of many who may read this, aside from the admonishment I could give to that individual for being irresponsible and careless, or in the minds of some, a coward...(and of course who are any of us to judge?), I say that if you are a true Son of GOD, then simply pray what is in your heart in regards to that individual and let it go.
    Your faith will help you through the grieving process that we all need to go through when losing someone we have had in our lives.

    God Bless!!!!!!!
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    Nov 15, 2011 10:40 AM GMT
    As someone that has constantly battled depression I would suggest you see someone. I mean it's a good thing and really helped me out. I will keep your friend, his family, and you in my prayers. I know things will get better in time. I lost a friend recently but its not quite the same circumstance. Keep faith friend.