Interesting observation of a first time expirience

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    Nov 10, 2011 3:27 AM GMT
    So for the first time I got a taste of what its like to be in public with a guy for whom I am developing strong feelings. We were not in a gay friendly community, and the ideal that I could not hold his hand, stroke his hair, kiss him, or get overly playful with him was absolutely madding. Even while at a stop light. I am sure that's all old news to most of you, but it was my first expirience at being part of an 'underclass' in our society.

    I also had a stranger in line at a coffee shop use the term 'that was so gay' when talking about poor athletic performance. Really pissed me off.

    And people call this a choice.
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    Nov 10, 2011 6:57 AM GMT
    TriAthInCA said Even while at a stop light.


    Don't see why you couldn't do anything in your car. I usually take that time at the red light to unzip his shorts and rest my hand comfortably cupping his balls.
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    Nov 10, 2011 7:02 AM GMT
    Ariodante said
    TriAthInCA said Even while at a stop light.


    Don't see why you couldn't do anything in your car. I usually take that time at the red light to unzip his shorts and rest my hand comfortably cupping his balls.


    amateur, I blow the crap out of the guy while driving 80 on freeway lol jk
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    Nov 10, 2011 7:02 AM GMT
    Trollileo said
    Ariodante said
    TriAthInCA said Even while at a stop light.


    Don't see why you couldn't do anything in your car. I usually take that time at the red light to unzip his shorts and rest my hand comfortably cupping his balls.
    Or rip them off.


    Depends if I feel like a light snack =o
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    Nov 10, 2011 7:02 AM GMT
    Sucks, doesn't it? We've all been there.
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    Nov 10, 2011 7:04 AM GMT
    The "that's so gay" stuff really shouldn't be a big deal... Eh. You'll see through it soon and figure out who the real homophobes are.

    Unless you live in the deep south, you should be okay holding hands, etc. Don't let fear hold you back!

    EDIT: "Anaheim, California, United States" Baby, you're among friends! It's now about the process of YOU becoming comfortable showing affection in public.... It's a process icon_biggrin.gif
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    Nov 10, 2011 7:06 AM GMT
    i've realized that those who use it most are really saying "please don;t think i'm gay please don't think i'm gay...on shit my gay is showing"
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    Nov 10, 2011 7:06 AM GMT
    Date a really muscular guy, they're protective and they make you feel safe, I'm talking from experience. Besides, no one's gonna say anything to your face when you go out with him because they're gonna be afraid he's gonna kick their butt icon_razz.gif
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    Nov 10, 2011 7:18 AM GMT
    eventually... you learn to let your eyes say just enough at the right moment
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    Nov 10, 2011 7:31 AM GMT
    The stop light comment was in reference to doing things that would be visible to drivers or pedestrians around me - touch him affectionately, playing with his hair, giving him a kiss. Things I could freely do in the past with my wife, while pretending to be hetrosexual. Incidently, I was out of state, in the south. And after reading all the posts on violence against gay men, it makes one a bit nervious.

    And I appreciate the funny responses. You guys crack me up.
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    Nov 10, 2011 7:34 AM GMT
    TriAthInCA saidThe stop light comment was in reference to doing things that would be visible to drivers or pedestrians around me - touch him affectionately, playing with his hair, giving him a kiss. Things I could freely do in the past with my wife, while pretending to be hetrosexual. Incidently, I was out of state, in the south. And after reading all the posts on violence against gay men, it makes one a bit nervious.


    I used to be so paranoid... Then I remembered that the media does what the media does - it generates hype. These are definitely not common in California, aside from the occasional derogatory screams from moving cars on streets outside of gay bars, I'd guess. Drunk cowards.

    I bet it feels simply amazing just to be out in public with this guy, though... doesn't it? Touchy-feely or not, you feel great, huh? icon_biggrin.gif
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    Nov 10, 2011 7:44 AM GMT
    ThePenIsMyTier said
    TriAthInCA saidThe stop light comment was in reference to doing things that would be visible to drivers or pedestrians around me - touch him affectionately, playing with his hair, giving him a kiss. Things I could freely do in the past with my wife, while pretending to be hetrosexual. Incidently, I was out of state, in the south. And after reading all the posts on violence against gay men, it makes one a bit nervious.


    I used to be so paranoid... Then I remembered that the media does what the media does - it generates hype. These are definitely not common in California, aside from the occasional derogatory screams from moving cars on streets outside of gay bars, I'd guess. Drunk cowards.

    I bet it feels simply amazing just to be out in public with this guy, though... doesn't it? Touchy-feely or not, you feel great, huh? icon_biggrin.gif


    Absolutely. It great to finely just be who I really am.
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    Nov 10, 2011 7:50 AM GMT
    I didn't care when I had my boyfriend. All things were good, however, he didn't feel the same. Guess I'm just a sap.

    Go travel somewhere with him. It's freeing being somewhere you both don't know a soul and can be as affectionate as you wish.
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    Nov 10, 2011 7:53 AM GMT
    icon_wink.gifIt's nerve racking when you first do that stuff but then it will just start to feel comfortable and you won't even be thinking twice when it's cold out and your man needs a hug to stay warm while walking together say in the winter time or a seriously brisk autumn day with the foliage so colorfully reflecting the sun and your passion for each other.icon_redface.gif
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    Nov 10, 2011 4:50 PM GMT
    TriAthInCA saidSo for the first time I got a taste of what its like to be in public with a guy for whom I am developing strong feelings. We were not in a gay friendly community, and the ideal that I could not hold his hand, stroke his hair, kiss him, or get overly playful with him was absolutely madding. Even while at a stop light. I am sure that's all old news to most of you, but it was my first expirience at being part of an 'underclass' in our society.

    I also had a stranger in line at a coffee shop use the term 'that was so gay' when talking about poor athletic performance. Really pissed me off.

    And people call this a choice.


    Was your "first time experience" that hearing the word "gay" used in a negative way bothered you? You weren't bothered by that back when you were in the closet?

    Was your "first time experience" that you couldn't show affection to a man in public? Just because you might not have had a man alongside you then, you didn't think about and therefore experience what it might be like and you hadn't considered the judgment of others which you thought would interfere with your enjoyment of your life?

    Is it possible that you have experienced in your mind all those things over and over again your entire life? What else kept you in the closet? Perhaps your "first time experience" is taking this opportunity to share what that all meant to you, how it effected you and how you deal with it now that you are becoming unafraid to be more of your true self in the world.
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    Nov 10, 2011 5:39 PM GMT
    Ant

    I am a rather affectionate and playful guy. And I had always been able to express that to my wife in public. My natural inclination was to be able to do the same with this guy. He stopped me and pointed out that that was not the most prudent thing to do. So it was an eye opener for me. This notion that I need to be measured in public, even in the car while at a stop light. While as a society we have come a long way, thier are still folks out there that would prefer not to see us. It helps me understand the desire to live in an area with an open gay population.

    As to the "that's gay" comment, I think as I have moved further along the path to my identification with being gay, I was taken aback when a stranger used the expression with me. She obviously had no clue that I was gay.

    As to why I stayed in the closet for so long, I would not say it was fear of these things. That, along with misplaced religious conviction, put me in the closet in the first place. What kept me there for many years was the awareness of the pain and suffering this change would bring to my wife and childern. Our lives are not wholly defined by our sexuality. There are many wonderfully satisfying aspects of my life that are being turned upside down now, given my recent choice. I have no regret doing so, as I know this to be the path to life. It is none the less gutwrenching to expirience.
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    Nov 10, 2011 11:46 PM GMT
    Good explanation. Understood. It must feel a bit that while nothing really has changed--you are still you; the world is still the world--everything has changed. It is tough to recall what that transition was like, being for me so many years ago.

    Just the other day I had a late-in-life re-outing with a very religious neighbor (church groups, Sundays, decorative cross on his house) who helps me around my house with renovation projects. I guess he didn't know I was gay? I never said specifically though I have spoken to him of the loss of my two partners, so I guess now he must have previously thought them business partners? Clueless str8 people are funny.

    Anyway, his lightbulb must have finally turned on and he asked me directly if I'm gay. I said, "I hope so, Or my partners must have been very dissatisfied." He seemed pretty cool with this "new" info. Then he was helping me construct a doorway in my home. It was a little weird. He was open in conversation about gay/str8 stuff but there was a new gentleness, like he was handling me with kid gloves. I couldn't figure it out until he said. "That must be really hard on you, having buried your partners".

    I was really touched that this str8 goes to Sunday service type guy would have rethought some of our conversations and felt the need to express that he saw me, not as someone who shouldn't touch a man, but as another human being who lost his man. I think we can find acceptance outside of the gay world. That a lot of what we think we see is in our own heads.
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    Nov 10, 2011 11:50 PM GMT
    TriAthInCA saidSo for the first time I got a taste of what its like to be in public with a guy for whom I am developing strong feelings. We were not in a gay friendly community, and the ideal that I could not hold his hand, stroke his hair, kiss him, or get overly playful with him was absolutely madding. Even while at a stop light. I am sure that's all old news to most of you, but it was my first expirience at being part of an 'underclass' in our society.

    I also had a stranger in line at a coffee shop use the term 'that was so gay' when talking about poor athletic performance. Really pissed me off.

    And people call this a choice.



    It Gets Better! Once you are out of high school, it all stops!
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    Nov 10, 2011 11:52 PM GMT
    benz72 said
    Ariodante said
    TriAthInCA said Even while at a stop light.


    Don't see why you couldn't do anything in your car. I usually take that time at the red light to unzip his shorts and rest my hand comfortably cupping his balls.


    amateur, I blow the crap out of the guy while driving 80 on freeway lol jk

    Happened to me one night after a naked Hallowe'en party!
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    Nov 11, 2011 12:10 AM GMT
    A few summers ago my BF and I were on the boardwalk in Seaside with his brother and sister-in-law. If you know Jersey this place is usually swarming with VERY in-your-face, VERY blue-collar VERY straight guys (see Jersey Shore... thank god most of 'em are actually from out-of-state). We're not handsy in public, but the four of us came across a very couple of very young guys, barely 18 if that, holding hands as they walked along. They looked terrified! We gave them a wink and a thumbs up and got a big grin. I hope nobody messed with them, they were so cute and being so brave.
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    Nov 11, 2011 4:11 AM GMT
    theantijock said

    I was really touched that this str8 goes to Sunday service type guy would have rethought some of our conversations and felt the need to express that he saw me, not as someone who shouldn't touch a man, but as another human being who lost his man.I think we can find acceptance outside of the gay world. That a lot of what we think we see is in our own heads.


    I have certainly found much acceptance outside the gay world (within my sphere of influence) and, naively thought nothing of expressing public affection. It was when my friend pointed out I should be careful, that I had the rude awakening. I hope you are right that much of this fear is in our own heads.
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    Nov 11, 2011 3:47 PM GMT
    Yes, much, as you say, not all. I'd not say we've nothing to fear for if that were true, we'd hear less stories like the kid (sorry, don't recall online name) who recently opened a thread discussing Miataphobia, nor would we still be fighting for basic human rights.

    So while there is enough fear out there to deny us rights and to force us to have to out ourselves, enought to stop others from seeing us for who we are even when we have clued them in, as many brave souls have shown and as even those of us not so brave, but who have lucked into situations whereby just the presense of our personalities sway to the better the opinions and feelings of even the right wing religious, that though, sure, there are things to fear, that when it comes to being ourselves, not all but most of that fear is--and not, as described, without some basis--inside our own heads.

    As we work towards controlling our own fear, we help to change a world which does not change on its own. And not that this always goes smoothly, because it does not, but the more comfortable we are being ourselves in the world, the more the world becomes comfortable with us.