Why do I always feel the need to go out of my way to make people happy?

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    Nov 12, 2011 7:12 PM GMT
    Idk if any of you are like this but I always feel like I need to go out of my way to do things to make people happy, and I always feel like the only way certain people will like me is if I do this. By going "out of my way" I mean like doing things like always making a point to give tons of compliments, buying people drinks if I'm out, or giving people in class my work to copy off of. And even when I do all that stuff I feel like it is still not enough and that I have to do more. I have no idea why I am like this.

    any ideas or opinions?
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    Nov 12, 2011 7:22 PM GMT
    Just figure out how to balance it and know when too much becomes being taken advantage of. Main reason why I'm fighting with one of my best friends sort of right now.
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    Nov 12, 2011 7:35 PM GMT
    What do you mean by "certain people" will like you?
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    Nov 12, 2011 7:42 PM GMT
    beneful1 saidWhat do you mean by "certain people" will like you?


    I mean like there's some people that I feel will only like me if I go out of my way
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Nov 13, 2011 2:53 AM GMT
    Could be a form of depression or low self-esteem. I used to do the same thing.icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 13, 2011 3:08 AM GMT
    It would be an interesting experiment for you to get to know me because I'm quite the opposite. icon_lol.gif It's good because I'm only surrounded by reasonable people who don't seek validation 24/7.
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    Nov 13, 2011 3:42 AM GMT
    I have a close friend who's guilty of this. She CONSTANTLY said YES to everything anyone asked, always would offer her time up for anybody and their brother, would never decline an invitation.. to the point that she had so much to do there was no way she could possible do it all, so she inevitably made certain people unhappy... and it was usually me, because it was easier for her to tell ME no than some random person she only sort of knows but wants to like her so she can't tell them "No thanks, maybe next time we'll go for coffee." Instead she'd say that to me.

    I think it's a form of attention seeking or insecurity. Instead of just letting people like you, you want to FORCE it upon them by overwhelming them with niceness...
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    Nov 13, 2011 3:50 AM GMT
    "make people happy" in what way? ;)

    You could be an eager people-pleaser; you want everyone to like you and hate the thought of someone thinking crude thoughts towards you. You think the only way to getting friends is by making them happy at the expense of yourself.

    Or it could not be that. icon_confused.gif
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    Nov 13, 2011 4:09 PM GMT
    want to be friends? i could totally use someone like you.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Nov 13, 2011 4:14 PM GMT
    Awesome to be nice and giving... but always important to receive something in return. I like some of what has been said above about "balance". I talked about people who sometimes "tell you their whole life story" and use the "nice guys" to garner sympathy and support... and leave you with nothing. Nothing wrong with what you are doing, you sound awesome, but
    I hope others give the same to you back. You might want to modify your behavior a bit, you sound like you are very nice, whether you give compliments or buy people drinks .. or not!

    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Nov 13, 2011 4:18 PM GMT
    FunCollegeDude saidIdk if any of you are like this but I always feel like I need to go out of my way to do things to make people happy, and I always feel like the only way certain people will like me is if I do this. By going "out of my way" I mean like doing things like always making a point to give tons of compliments, buying people drinks if I'm out, or giving people in class my work to copy off of. And even when I do all that stuff I feel like it is still not enough and that I have to do more. I have no idea why I am like this.

    any ideas or opinions?


    You sound like a sweet guy, but we're the ones who get taken advantage of quickly...I learned a longgg time ago that you can't make everyone happy, so I just stopped giving a f**k....that's all you really can do. What I'm saying is if people are nice and respectful to me then I'm a complete angel but if not then yeahhhh I'll make their lives miserable but I guess the best way to stop feeling this way is for you to think "would this person do this for me?" If the answer is no then don't do it. However, compliments are always nice to give and shouldn't be given with the expectation of getting one in return...that's just how I see it.
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    Nov 13, 2011 4:19 PM GMT
    FunCollegeDude said
    beneful1 saidWhat do you mean by "certain people" will like you?


    I mean like there's some people that I feel will only like me if I go out of my way


    This sounds like it could be a self-esteem issue or someone that you're pining after who doesn't notice you, which could also be a self-esteem issue. This type of behavior can lead to co-dependency in relationships and all sorts of issues later on.

    It's hard to deal with this, especially at your age when you want other people to like you. Keep in mind that you shouldn't have to buy friendship or companionship. People will like you for being yourself.
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    Nov 13, 2011 4:24 PM GMT
    I think i understand what you're going through. For me its because growing up nobody ever wanted to be friends with me so now I sort of have this desperation to have friends. So far i haven't really been taken advantage of other than my not screaming at my roommate to clean up his mess in the kitchen. I always feel like if i disagree or get mad at someone they'll instantly run off and not want to be friends anymore. Not sure where that came from but yeah, that's my take.
    I also LOVE giving gifts. I might only spend $5 on it but all my gifts i pick out specifically for the person its for so they end up loving it and i love the look on their faces icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 13, 2011 4:29 PM GMT
    Well .. i think its something good what u r doing ... but don't over doing it .. if i met someone like u .. i would just say that u r cool great guy ..

    but don't neglect ur happiness to make other ppl happy ..
  • GAYBIGMACHODU...

    Posts: 1357

    Nov 13, 2011 5:55 PM GMT
    I used to be a people pleaser myself years ago.I used to ignore my own
    needs as a people pleaser years ago.i stopped being a people pleaser
    years ago because it was stressing me out and giving me health problems.
    I put my own needs first these days.Being a people pleaser is not good for
    your emotional health or your mental health or physical health at all.I don't
    ignore my own health needs and my other personal needs any more like I
    used at all.I'm a very health conscious guy these days.