Reasons for Wanting a Relationship

  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Nov 13, 2011 2:48 AM GMT
    I want to talk this out some. It will help me to get it written down, and feedback given from it can help in the process too. The short of it is, I am not sure if I want to be in a relationship, and it's due to the fact that it's dependent on my mood whether I desire one or not. Naturally, the fact that my mood drives it, tells me that there is likely a deeper reason for desiring a relationship, and that it's likely to be something unhealthy.

    In the past my desire to be in a relationship has been overwhelming to the point of driving me into experimenting with drugs in an unhealthy manner. It's the emotional fulfillment that I seem to crave. I've recently come to notice something curious though. I only seem to desire a relationship when I am down in some regard. If I am sad, unmotivated, depressed, or overall just not totally happy, I tend to want that companionship, I desire to be intimate with another guy, and to be in love.

    Conversely, when things are going well, when I am happy, busy, and successful. I don't desire a relationship, and question the very need for one in the first place. Recently I have been experiencing this more often then the former because for one of the first times in my life I am happy, and really have nothing I can rightfully complain about.

    These two ideas that I experience in a way unnerve me. From my perspective it could be one of two things. The first being that I am only wanting a relationship for the sole need of healing my emotions and self, and generally just to feel better. The other reason could be that when I am successful, I am blocking out the emotional unfulfillment that I have, and can avoid feeling it. Thus, the desire for a relationship goes away.

    In the end both of these things are bad. I do know myself well enough to say that I really only emotionally express or connect when I am stressed in some regard (I think it has to do with the fact that I was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome when I was a child, I have largely outgrown in my late teens). I can't willingly call on emotions to feel and I have to have walls removed somewhat beyond my control to let things in and let others in.

    What I ask is, are my desires for a relationship bad? What should I do with this? I have two guys in the works right now that could lead somewhere if I play my cards right. I am unsure how I feel about them, but I lean to one more than the other simply due to better schedule overlap (it's more practical). I have found myself not really wanting to talk to them when I am in a good mood. In a way it seems completely unneeded. I do recognize that that is not a good thought to have at all.

    Thoughts?
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Nov 13, 2011 3:06 AM GMT
    Background: I should also add that I haven't been in a "complete" relationship before (not that I haven't tried to). It ended up not working out for various reasons, and my longest relationship was 3 months, but to be honest, the entire time I felt like I wasn't even in one (thus had no connection) because I saw the guy for all but an hour a week at best and the entire time I felt like I was teaching him.
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    Nov 13, 2011 5:12 AM GMT

    "These two ideas that I experience in a way unnerve me. From my perspective it could be one of two things. The first being that I am only wanting a relationship for the sole need of healing my emotions and self, and generally just to feel better. The other reason could be that when I am successful, I am blocking out the emotional unfulfillment that I have, and can avoid feeling it. Thus, the desire for a relationship goes away. "

    Going out on a limb, I'd say that the puzzle piece that's not evident is the reciprocality of love. What you get is also what you should be able to give when you're doing great. What happened to these relationships (those you've had) when with personal success the desire for them went away?

    intrigued,

    -Doug
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Nov 13, 2011 8:52 AM GMT
    jpBITCHva saidYou sound bipolar.


    I have considered if I am in fact clinically bipolar at some points in the past. Reason being is I do fit some of the models associated with it. The piece that is pervasive to me though is the fact that I am nearly always experiencing anxiety to some capacity, and that isn't always with bipolar. The other thing that counters it majorly is my moods are dictated by life circumstance. In a bulk sense that is, on a detailed sense it's not at all. The psychologist has never mentioned bipolar to me. The thing is, if I truly am I wonder if it would be picked up. My self-awareness is so high that I can watch and hide anything that I am aware of with myself. I don't exactly want to be bipolar, so I may be imparting a bias when I encounter symptoms of it, and thus downplay them.

    meninlove said
    "These two ideas that I experience in a way unnerve me. From my perspective it could be one of two things. The first being that I am only wanting a relationship for the sole need of healing my emotions and self, and generally just to feel better. The other reason could be that when I am successful, I am blocking out the emotional unfulfillment that I have, and can avoid feeling it. Thus, the desire for a relationship goes away. "

    Going out on a limb, I'd say that the puzzle piece that's not evident is the reciprocality of love. What you get is also what you should be able to give when you're doing great. What happened to these relationships (those you've had) when with personal success the desire for them went away?

    intrigued,

    -Doug


    The desire for them ended when indeed, they did not give anything back when I was putting in 90% of the effort. When I was in relationships I was quite down with my life due to many factors. The reasons for that were on them, I am aware of that. Nevertheless I did not feel wanted to appreciated. In one of them, I was appreciated, but it was communicated in such a way that I did not feel it (on the emotional spectrum, me and this guy were about as far apart as you could be). I also say "relationships" in quotations because to be honest, it didn't feel like one.

    Thanks.
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    Nov 13, 2011 2:50 PM GMT
    tautomer4314 said
    jpBITCHva saidYou sound bipolar.


    I have considered if I am in fact clinically bipolar at some points in the past. Reason being is I do fit some of the models associated with it. The piece that is pervasive to me though is the fact that I am nearly always experiencing anxiety to some capacity, and that isn't always with bipolar. The other thing that counters it majorly is my moods are dictated by life circumstance. In a bulk sense that is, on a detailed sense it's not at all. The psychologist has never mentioned bipolar to me. The thing is, if I truly am I wonder if it would be picked up. My self-awareness is so high that I can watch and hide anything that I am aware of with myself. I don't exactly want to be bipolar, so I may be imparting a bias when I encounter symptoms of it, and thus downplay them.

    meninlove said
    "These two ideas that I experience in a way unnerve me. From my perspective it could be one of two things. The first being that I am only wanting a relationship for the sole need of healing my emotions and self, and generally just to feel better. The other reason could be that when I am successful, I am blocking out the emotional unfulfillment that I have, and can avoid feeling it. Thus, the desire for a relationship goes away. "

    Going out on a limb, I'd say that the puzzle piece that's not evident is the reciprocality of love. What you get is also what you should be able to give when you're doing great. What happened to these relationships (those you've had) when with personal success the desire for them went away?

    intrigued,

    -Doug


    The desire for them ended when indeed, they did not give anything back when I was putting in 90% of the effort. When I was in relationships I was quite down with my life due to many factors. The reasons for that were on them, I am aware of that. Nevertheless I did not feel wanted to appreciated. In one of them, I was appreciated, but it was communicated in such a way that I did not feel it (on the emotional spectrum, me and this guy were about as far apart as you could be). I also say "relationships" in quotations because to be honest, it didn't feel like one.

    Thanks.



    Apologies, but I'm confused over this last. Do you mean that you entered one sided unfullfilling relationships for ' the sole need of healing my emotions and self, and generally just to feel better." ? I would think that would make you feel worse.

    ...and then, when you feel great about yourself you don't want a damaging or dysfunctional relationship? Or a great relationship either?

    -Doug

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Nov 13, 2011 2:55 PM GMT
    You know we all want to have a special bond with someone... I certainly find it fulfilling. I think you should have a relationship and be able to share on a 50/50 basis with the guy with whom you are involved.

    My suggestion is that you probably ought to visit with a counselor, someone who can be very specific about why .... you have such a desire for it.
    Imagine if you started a relationship with someone and it wasn't "built" on a firm foundation and turned into a disaster.... I'm sure you would feel very bad.

    Know yourself, know why you have these desires and approach it in a healthy fashion. That doesn't mean there is anything "clinically" wrong with you.. we all have needs at times and talking to a counselor can be a very good thing!
  • 1232121d

    Posts: 50

    Nov 13, 2011 6:10 PM GMT
    Right now, I onlt want to live with someone but not at my place. icon_sad.gif
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    Nov 13, 2011 10:04 PM GMT
    Uhm...I don't think you're ready for a relationship. I really don't want to offend you and here's my justification:
    If you're looking for reasons for having/not having a relationship you don't really want to have a relationship (which doesn't mean it's not possible that it just happens).
    Plus I think that you just want a relationship when you're in a bad mood wouldn't be very good for your hypothetical relationship. You can't just pull all of your shit on your partner and expect him to make everything ok when you're in a bad mood. I think it's extremly important to learn( and I don't want to say that you haven't already learnt that) how to deal with problems on your own and then is it ok to ask for comfort by other people.


  • 1232121d

    Posts: 50

    Nov 14, 2011 2:09 AM GMT
    perhaps you haven't found the one that you really love, yet ?
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    Nov 14, 2011 11:30 AM GMT
    It sounds like you want someone to be your proverbial rock to lean on. But you never actually said a word about making someone else happy or fulfilling their needs. That's concerning. Your boyfriend isn't there to just augment your personality and please you.

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    Nov 18, 2011 6:25 PM GMT
    You already stressed you filled an emotional hole with drugs. Perhaps that's the underlying issue? Personalities are just as addictive as substances. However strip away the substances and we are left with much bigger problems, ourselves.

    However asperger's has an entirely different level of emotional maturity I know nothing about. THAT could be an issue.

    Good luck with all that.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Nov 18, 2011 6:59 PM GMT
    Dude....I can my tell ya what works for me....You enter a relationship knowing there's gonna be some give and take on both sides...I see guys wanting a bf so much they change to fit what the other guy wants or needs.....Love is like breathing....you don't have to work at it...It just is...It happens automatically...So just be yourself...the good...the bad ...the ugly..Cause that true love whose searching for you...Will love all that makes you...YOU....BUD
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    Nov 18, 2011 8:55 PM GMT
    I don't know that you sound ready to be in an adult relationship.
    The reasons you gave for wanting to be in a relationship are so the other guy can complete you. Not healthy.

    If you don't feel emotionally whole/complete on your own, you're not ready or capable to give love to a prospective partner. That's unfair for your prospective partner and a relationship like that won't work.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Nov 18, 2011 9:40 PM GMT
    Trollileo said"And Tautomer, remember, you are a smart, strong, beautiful, independent young woman and you don't need a man to complete you."


    Go On Gurl.....smiley_singing.gif