Nov 13, 2011 2:48 AM GMT
I want to talk this out some. It will help me to get it written down, and feedback given from it can help in the process too. The short of it is, I am not sure if I want to be in a relationship, and it's due to the fact that it's dependent on my mood whether I desire one or not. Naturally, the fact that my mood drives it, tells me that there is likely a deeper reason for desiring a relationship, and that it's likely to be something unhealthy.
In the past my desire to be in a relationship has been overwhelming to the point of driving me into experimenting with drugs in an unhealthy manner. It's the emotional fulfillment that I seem to crave. I've recently come to notice something curious though. I only seem to desire a relationship when I am down in some regard. If I am sad, unmotivated, depressed, or overall just not totally happy, I tend to want that companionship, I desire to be intimate with another guy, and to be in love.
Conversely, when things are going well, when I am happy, busy, and successful. I don't desire a relationship, and question the very need for one in the first place. Recently I have been experiencing this more often then the former because for one of the first times in my life I am happy, and really have nothing I can rightfully complain about.
These two ideas that I experience in a way unnerve me. From my perspective it could be one of two things. The first being that I am only wanting a relationship for the sole need of healing my emotions and self, and generally just to feel better. The other reason could be that when I am successful, I am blocking out the emotional unfulfillment that I have, and can avoid feeling it. Thus, the desire for a relationship goes away.
In the end both of these things are bad. I do know myself well enough to say that I really only emotionally express or connect when I am stressed in some regard (I think it has to do with the fact that I was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome when I was a child, I have largely outgrown in my late teens). I can't willingly call on emotions to feel and I have to have walls removed somewhat beyond my control to let things in and let others in.
What I ask is, are my desires for a relationship bad? What should I do with this? I have two guys in the works right now that could lead somewhere if I play my cards right. I am unsure how I feel about them, but I lean to one more than the other simply due to better schedule overlap (it's more practical). I have found myself not really wanting to talk to them when I am in a good mood. In a way it seems completely unneeded. I do recognize that that is not a good thought to have at all.
Thoughts?
In the past my desire to be in a relationship has been overwhelming to the point of driving me into experimenting with drugs in an unhealthy manner. It's the emotional fulfillment that I seem to crave. I've recently come to notice something curious though. I only seem to desire a relationship when I am down in some regard. If I am sad, unmotivated, depressed, or overall just not totally happy, I tend to want that companionship, I desire to be intimate with another guy, and to be in love.
Conversely, when things are going well, when I am happy, busy, and successful. I don't desire a relationship, and question the very need for one in the first place. Recently I have been experiencing this more often then the former because for one of the first times in my life I am happy, and really have nothing I can rightfully complain about.
These two ideas that I experience in a way unnerve me. From my perspective it could be one of two things. The first being that I am only wanting a relationship for the sole need of healing my emotions and self, and generally just to feel better. The other reason could be that when I am successful, I am blocking out the emotional unfulfillment that I have, and can avoid feeling it. Thus, the desire for a relationship goes away.
In the end both of these things are bad. I do know myself well enough to say that I really only emotionally express or connect when I am stressed in some regard (I think it has to do with the fact that I was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome when I was a child, I have largely outgrown in my late teens). I can't willingly call on emotions to feel and I have to have walls removed somewhat beyond my control to let things in and let others in.
What I ask is, are my desires for a relationship bad? What should I do with this? I have two guys in the works right now that could lead somewhere if I play my cards right. I am unsure how I feel about them, but I lean to one more than the other simply due to better schedule overlap (it's more practical). I have found myself not really wanting to talk to them when I am in a good mood. In a way it seems completely unneeded. I do recognize that that is not a good thought to have at all.
Thoughts?
