I'm coming out to my parents... Again

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    Nov 13, 2011 5:27 AM GMT
    I know it's gonna be another boring coming out story, but i just don't know who i could talk to now.

    I came out to my parents once when i was in highschool. They were extremely shocked and would never believe i have turned out to be so. They were depressed for over a year, and took me to doctor to convert me back, they said if i didnt turn back normal, they would kill themselves so that they wouldnt have to see me live a loser life. I was so stressed because university entrance exam was coming near, so i lied to them again, saying that i was normal thanks to the doctor, and got a girlfriend.

    My life is not that so loser anyway, i tried my best to get into the gifted schools they wanted, i got a decent job right after i finished studying, my gpa was high enough to make my parents feel proud boasting about it with my relatives.

    The problem is that maybe they are too proud to accept the fact that they won't have the chance to boast about how beautiful my wife is gonna be, or they won't ever be able to see their nephews/nieces, just because their son is so gay. That's how they define a loser...

    I planned to come out again yesterday, but my mouth could not open when i confronted them, i had a nervous breakdown and cried all night. I searched for my close friends and talked to them but they couldn't help much because they atually didnt understand all my problems after all.

    Any plans i should prepare for this 2nd coming out? I don't want to fail this time, i want to free all the dramas from my life, i want to be happy...
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    Nov 13, 2011 7:21 AM GMT
    If you really love your parents, don't say anything. You're only 22. Move out, get your own place and be happy. I don't think you have to tell them again. You mentioned that they were depressed for over a year after your announcement. I don't think they will ever accept that you're gay, given your Asian upbringing.

    Get a boyfriend and be gay and proud, but I don't think you have to tell your parents. I'm sure that they will disown you if you tell them. Would you like to be gay and estranged from your family? I'm sure they will ask about your girlfriend each time there is a family gathering. Just tell them you're too focus on your career to be having a girlfriend.

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    Nov 13, 2011 7:34 AM GMT
    I don't want to move out. That'd just make them more suspicious and worried. I love my parents, i don't want to be disowned. But if it's the final truth then i'd rather face it rather than living a lie in front of them, that just won't last forever.
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    Nov 13, 2011 7:50 AM GMT
    I'm sure your parents know it already (i.e. you're gay) but they are in denial as they don't want to accept the truth. I wish you luck and I hope everything goes well for you. Listen to your heart.

    For me, I didn't feel the need to come out as I'm comfortable having a girlfriend or boyfriend (sometimes I want chocolate, sometimes I want vanilla type of thing). I don't think I'm lying to anyone as what goes on in the bedroom is my own business, nobody else.

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    Nov 13, 2011 9:51 AM GMT
    Thank you. I used to think of myself as bisexual too (which will be good if i want my parents not to see my other half), but time after time, i slowly realize even tho' i like playing around with either guys or girls, i still think the one i'm going to love and enjoy seeing every morning in my bed should be a man.
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    Nov 13, 2011 3:57 PM GMT
    tell them that its their fault "You did this to me!!"
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    Nov 13, 2011 3:58 PM GMT
    AvadaKedavra saidtell them that its their fault


    Agreed, if you drive home the point that gay men are so because of an overactive mother, your mother is going to really feel like shit. Go for it.
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    Nov 13, 2011 4:14 PM GMT
    :C .... Good luck ... Wishper: don't do it ... pshh!
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    Nov 13, 2011 4:19 PM GMT
    What the hell you need to come out to them for?! You need to grow up and learn how to protect your emotional child. Apparently, your parents emotionally abuse you. Grow up.

    And tell them to get their own friends. If they can't be friendly and loving to you, set some boundaries. Some people like being upset and full of drama to control others. Oh, I'm gonna cry and be depressed until stop being gay, what BS. Grow up and tell them to Grow TF up as well. You're gonna have stunted growth F'g around w/ that BS.
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    Nov 13, 2011 4:20 PM GMT
    Chainers said
    AvadaKedavra saidtell them that its their fault


    Agreed, if you drive home the point that gay men are so because of an overactive mother, your mother is going to really feel like shit. Go for it.


    Hmmm. I know they would feel like shit, and i don't want that, that's why i'm asking for advices. Or else i would just do it and make they feel like shit, like i don't care.

    It's not about what kind of mom i have, i love my mom and i accept what i'm given, my mom might not be so cool like some other guys' moms who would happily understand and support their sons, but i can't blame her, she was educated in an old conservative way.
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    Nov 13, 2011 4:27 PM GMT
    You need to move out. They don't need to hear your bed banging against the wall, with you screaming-moaning-laughing in the ecstasy of horeseplay-lovemaking.
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    Nov 13, 2011 4:29 PM GMT
    tyklong saidThank you. I used to think of myself as bisexual too (which will be good if i want my parents not to see my other half), but time after time, i slowly realize even tho' i like playing around with either guys or girls, i still think the one i'm going to love and enjoy seeing every morning in my bed should be a man.


    You need to look at your astrological chart. Your Western Astrological chart and see if most of your planets are on the right side of your chart or the left, top, or bottom.

    And you need to have a boyfriend before you come out again. No need to be the only soldier against two foes. Let it be two against two.

    Find you a f'g boyfriend who stays with you for two years. If he does, then come out.

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    Nov 13, 2011 4:47 PM GMT
    Jeez, you've had some strange advice here.

    Absent any other considerations, you'd clearly rather be out. It is honest to yourself and others, honoring the reality of who you are.

    In the other side of this equation are your parents, who have shown themselves capable of extreme emotional blackmail to keep you in the closet. Not "straight," at this point they know you're not, but in the closet. It's easier for them, doesn't challenge their worldview. They're perfectly willing to sacrifice your integrity and happiness for this.

    If you were in the US, at your age I would say, find a way to move out, then come out and give your parents a further year to get over it. Be kind, answer questions, educate, but refuse to bend to their will. This obviously may not be the best advice where you are. If you need your parents for shelter or other economic assistance, and you can't count on finding like minded friends to support you if you move out, or otherwise would put yourself at risk, you may want to keep quite for now and just try to find ways to cope. But be aware that you are not hurting your parents by coming out. They are emotionally abusing you by trying to force you to stay closeted. As you are well aware, that can be extremely painful.

    Good luck with a very difficult decision and lots of hugs.
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    Nov 13, 2011 4:59 PM GMT
    Well put Showme
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    Nov 13, 2011 5:01 PM GMT
    Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. This is not exactly a good advice either.

    Before giving any advice, people usually do their research before opening their mouths. The OP is in Vietnam, lol. You need to take into consideration cultural factors. What's good for you is not good for the rest.icon_rolleyes.gif


    showme saidJeez, you've had some strange advice here.

    Absent any other considerations, you'd clearly rather be out. It is honest to yourself and others, honoring the reality of who you are.

    In the other side of this equation are your parents, who have shown themselves capable of extreme emotional blackmail to keep you in the closet. Not "straight," at this point they know you're not, but in the closet. It's easier for them, doesn't challenge their worldview. They're perfectly willing to sacrifice your integrity and happiness for this.

    If you were in the US, at your age I would say, find a way to move out, then come out and give your parents a further year to get over it. Be kind, answer questions, educate, but refuse to bend to their will. This obviously may not be the best advice where you are. If you need your parents for shelter or other economic assistance, and you can't count on finding like minded friends to support you if you move out, or otherwise would put yourself at risk, you may want to keep quite for now and just try to find ways to cope. But be aware that you are not hurting your parents by coming out. They are emotionally abusing you by trying to force you to stay closeted. As you are well aware, that can be extremely painful.

    Good luck with a very difficult decision and lots of hugs.
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    Nov 13, 2011 5:05 PM GMT
    showme saidJeez, you've had some strange advice here.

    Absent any other considerations, you'd clearly rather be out. It is honest to yourself and others, honoring the reality of who you are.
    ...
    But be aware that you are not hurting your parents by coming out. They are emotionally abusing you by trying to force you to stay closeted. As you are well aware, that can be extremely painful.

    Good luck with a very difficult decision and lots of hugs.

    Finally some decent advice.

    If you are no longer comfortable living a lie, more power to you. Come out to them. But be prepared for what the cost may be. They might disown you. You might have to move out. But you have a good job, you said, and you are 22 years old. You can take of yourself. You'll be alright. They may not talk to you for a long time. As showme said, they will try to continue the emotional blackmail and abuse. Don't let them.

    Be true to yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing to hide. Just remember that being true to yourself requires great strength.

    Good luck, man, and a hug from me too.
  • HndsmKansan

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    Nov 13, 2011 5:08 PM GMT
    I think you need to find a balance with which you are comfortable.

    I'm sure you love your parents. Of course, I was shocked about some of the
    comments they made to you as a high school kid. I tend to encourage you to take some of what you've been hearing above and modify it to the manner that makes the most sense.

    Surfrider makes some good points... no need to tell them immediately, but you might "test the waters" so to speak as you go to work and achieve success and independence. Do get a partner, live life proudly ... try and include your parents if possible. If not, I wouldn't make it a "relationship breaking" issue unless they make it so.

    Overall, you need to be happy. Happiness in life is what its all about
    and I wish you the best.
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    Nov 13, 2011 5:09 PM GMT
    surfrider28 saidTalk about the pot calling the kettle black. This is not exactly a good advice either.

    Before giving any advice, people usually do their research before opening their mouths. The OP is in Vietnam, lol. You need to take into consideration cultural factors. What's good for you is not good for the rest.icon_rolleyes.gif

    Morality is not relative. The human desire to live a happy life is not relative. Human nature is not bound by cultural factors. This young man wants the same things we want: a happy life, in which he is true to himself. He'll have to fight harder than some of us who are lucky to live in places like the American coasts or Europe. He'll need more strength than we. But rather than our discouragement, he deserves our respect and solidarity.
  • HndsmKansan

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    Nov 13, 2011 5:12 PM GMT
    19c79 said
    surfrider28 saidTalk about the pot calling the kettle black. This is not exactly a good advice either.

    Before giving any advice, people usually do their research before opening their mouths. The OP is in Vietnam, lol. You need to take into consideration cultural factors. What's good for you is not good for the rest.icon_rolleyes.gif

    Morality is not relative. The human desire to live a happy life is not relative. Human nature is not bound by cultural factors. This young man wants the same things we want: a happy life, in which he is true to himself. He'll have to fight harder than some of us who are lucky to live in places like the American coasts or Europe. He'll need more strength than we. But rather than our discouragement, he deserves our respect and solidarity.


    Absolutely agree with Constantino... but ... his family is important to him
    as well. My suggestion would be to encourage a careful, well thought approach rather than an "in your face" way of discussing it.
    He would like to live his life WITH his families support if at all possible.
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    Nov 13, 2011 5:18 PM GMT
    Agreed, but the OP has made it clear that he loves his parents. We all know what will happen if he comes out again. How can you be happy if your parents disowned you?

    The problem here is the parents so you need to find the right balance to please both parties. It worked for me.

    The thing that people need to understand is we are lucky to be in North America as gay culture is more widely accepted than in other parts of the world. The major consideration is the upbringing of his parents and the OP's desire to continue to have a good relationship. I'll say it, the parents are jerks but that's the way it is.


    19c79 said
    surfrider28 saidTalk about the pot calling the kettle black. This is not exactly a good advice either.

    Before giving any advice, people usually do their research before opening their mouths. The OP is in Vietnam, lol. You need to take into consideration cultural factors. What's good for you is not good for the rest.icon_rolleyes.gif

    Morality is not relative. The human desire to live a happy life is not relative. Human nature is not bound by cultural factors. This young man wants the same things we want: a happy life, in which he is true to himself. He'll have to fight harder than some of us who are lucky to live in places like the American coasts or Europe. He'll need more strength than we. But rather than our discouragement, he deserves our respect and solidarity.
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    Nov 13, 2011 5:28 PM GMT
    You obviously did not read carefully. I was very clear that living in Vietnam posed some very different considerations for the OP. "How can you be happy if your parents disowned you?" I ask, how can you be happy if you have to lie to your parents for the rest of your life? It is a very hard decision. I wish him the best.

    You cannot find the right balance to please both parties when one side refuses to compromise at all. It's a choice and not an easy one.

    surfrider28 saidAgreed, but the OP has made it clear that he loves his parents. We all know what will happen if he comes out again. How can you be happy if your parents disowned you?

    The problem here is the parents so you need to find the right balance to please both parties. It worked for me.

    The thing that people need to understand is we are lucky to be in North America as gay culture is more widely accepted than in other parts of the world. The major consideration is the upbringing of his parents and the OP's desire to continue to have a good relationship. I'll say it, the parents are jerks but that's the way it is.


    19c79 saidsurfrider28 saidTalk about the pot calling the kettle black. This is not exactly a good advice either.

    Before giving any advice, people usually do their research before opening their mouths. The OP is in Vietnam, lol. You need to take into consideration cultural factors. What's good for you is not good for the rest.icon_rolleyes.gif

    Morality is not relative. The human desire to live a happy life is not relative. Human nature is not bound by cultural factors. This young man wants the same things we want: a happy life, in which he is true to himself. He'll have to fight harder than some of us who are lucky to live in places like the American coasts or Europe. He'll need more strength than we. But rather than our discouragement, he deserves our respect and solidarity.
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    Nov 13, 2011 5:35 PM GMT
    showme saidYou cannot find the right balance to please both parties when one side refuses to compromise at all. It's a choice and not an easy one.

    ^This. And the point I was trying to make is that whatever choice he makes, he will need to be strong. If he ultimately chooses to come out to them, he'll likely have to go off and be on his own. That's not the end of the world. Just a fact he needs to take into account. And if that's the choice he makes, I, for one, say he deserves all of my respect and--with the obvious limitations posed by this means of communication--support.
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    Nov 13, 2011 5:37 PM GMT
    Thank you showme, HndsmKansan, 19c79, surfrider28 and any other ones who gave the advices.

    Yes i tried some careful approach, like showing her some articles about some successful Vietnamese gays who came out on newspaper, i even hid all the news about crazy gay crimes in Vietnam (trust me, news about gay crimes got its decent place every week here). But my mom and dad would just be like "this country is getting complex and crazy, unlike the old days"

    I also thought about moving out, i won't have financial problem because my current job can cover that, but it's not normal for a boy to move out all of the sudden here, it's only normal to move out when i get married or having to study/work in a far away city. So telling them i want to move out will just make them feel more suspicious.

    I'm downloading some TV shows about parents having gay kids, made by the local broadcasters. I'm planning to go for an easier target which is my sister, if she could understand i hope she could be my supporter. The bad thing is, she was with my parents when i came out for the first time.
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    Nov 13, 2011 5:50 PM GMT
    tyklong saidit's not normal for a boy to move out all of the sudden here, it's only normal to move out when i get married or having to study/work in a far away city. So telling them i want to move out will just make them feel more suspicious.
    ...
    I'm planning to go for an easier target which is my sister, if she could understand i hope she could be my supporter.

    I understand your conundrum about moving out. It's exactly the same in Guatemala, where I grew up. But it's still doable--again, you just need to be sure that it's what you want to do, and be prepared to face the questions that arise with strength of character.

    Getting your sister's support first is a great idea. Younger generations are for the most part more open. And it is always good to have an ally.
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    Nov 13, 2011 5:56 PM GMT
    What? you don't like my advice?

    Thats what I say to my mom for days after coming out until she was desensitized to it. It went like this one time:

    Me: "Mom, this is your fault."

    Mom: "What? It is not."

    Me: "It totally is."

    Mom: "How?"

    Me: "I was born this way and you gave birth me so its your fault."

    Mom: "You're right. I should had aborted you."

    Me: "LOL! MOM!"

    Mom: "I am kidding."

    i love my mom.

    Point is they will get over it.