Monogamous but where is the sex?

  • socalvince

    Posts: 3

    Nov 14, 2011 7:01 PM GMT
    I have been with my first love since we were in our mid-twenties. We are both now 42, work out regularly and are in great shape. We love each other a lot and have a great relationship. We communicate well about most things except sex.

    Our sex life was really hot when we first got together. After two years we moved in together and our sex life took a downhill turn almost immediately. We still had sex but it went from four times a week and kept decreasing over time. About two years ago my now husband completely lost interest in sex. We probably have had sex 4 times in the past 2 years. It's not even good, hot sex, it's boring sex that I feel he is doing out of obligation because he pushed we away so many times.

    We have been to three different therapists and got nothing out of it. It may have forced us to have sex a few times or got us to talk about it more but in no way made us have more sex. it definitely did not lead to us having satisfying sex. He is no longer into sensual kisses, groping each other and never initiates any kind of sex. He does love to hug and cuddle with me and tells me how much he loves me. The worse part is when I initiate sex and he tells me he is not in the mood because he is never in the mood.

    Monogamy is very important to both of us but I often wonder what it would be like to be with someone who is really into me, and I do get plenty of offers. I guess I don't act on it because I feel like my husband might have some deep rooted problem that he can't even get a grasp on. I know he wouldn't make me sad on purpose.

    I hate the feeling of being in a gay monogamous relationship without having sex. It makes me feel like we are freaks. Everything else in our lives is so wonderful so I have no intention of leaving him because of sex. I love this man and want to grow old with him. We have built a wonderful life and I wouldnt change anything except for this sex issue. I guess I am looking to hear other people's stories who might be going through the same thing. I feel so alone in this so I'm looking for help here in this forum and hope the people here can see that and be kind.
  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Nov 14, 2011 7:35 PM GMT
    I'm sorry man, that's not a good situation. Do you think that perhaps he is depressed? That can totally kill your libido.

    Also, I'm a big fan of Dan Savage and I know he'd say what your husband is doing isn't fair and that if you still want a healthy sex life maybe discuss finding some outside the relationship. I believe in monogamy but if one partner decides they don't want to be sexual anymore it isn't fair to force that on the other person, he should work on it with you more seriously or let you take on a lover.
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    Nov 14, 2011 10:08 PM GMT
    Yeah I totally agree, if it ever got to the point where I wouldnt wanna fuck my boyfriend I'd totally let him fuck around if he still had a sexual appetite I couldn't fulfill.

    Besides, they are gonna do it anyway so might as well be mature about it.
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    Nov 14, 2011 10:12 PM GMT
    Sound like you need to spice it up a couple of notchs. Find his kink, see what else he's into beside the regular stuff. Don't ask, surprise him. Be spontaneous
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    Nov 14, 2011 10:14 PM GMT
    Benz is not monogamous icon_sad.gif
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    Nov 14, 2011 10:14 PM GMT
    whateveryo saidYeah I totally agree, if it ever got to the point where I wouldnt wanna fuck my boyfriend I'd totally let him fuck around if he still had a sexual appetite I couldn't fulfill.

    Besides, they are gonna do it anyway so might as well be mature about it.


    That sound fantastic, great like herpes ....
  • Bowyn_Aerrow

    Posts: 357

    Nov 14, 2011 10:16 PM GMT
    I assume that sex was addressed in therapy.

    It may be a medical (physical) health issue. See what a physician has to say about is health.

    Medical issues can affect libido.
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    Nov 14, 2011 10:16 PM GMT
    CHIdude saidBenz is not monogamous icon_sad.gif


    I'm so monogamous missy. My heart only belong to 2 guys
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    Nov 14, 2011 10:16 PM GMT
    benz72 said
    CHIdude saidBenz is not monogamous icon_sad.gif


    I'm so monogamous missy. My heart only belong to 2 guys


    icon_eek.gif
    Well, mine belongs to: (insert the name of RJer here).
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    Nov 14, 2011 10:38 PM GMT
    nearly 20 years of little to no sex, i really dont think hes going to, or wants to change
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    Nov 14, 2011 10:45 PM GMT
    Monogamy only works if the parties involved are committed to making their sex life perpetually interesting and exciting.
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    Nov 14, 2011 10:53 PM GMT
    benz72 said
    whateveryo saidYeah I totally agree, if it ever got to the point where I wouldnt wanna fuck my boyfriend I'd totally let him fuck around if he still had a sexual appetite I couldn't fulfill.

    Besides, they are gonna do it anyway so might as well be mature about it.


    That sound fantastic, great like herpes ....


    Hahaha Touche Mr ! icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 14, 2011 10:59 PM GMT
    socalvince saidI hate the feeling of being in a gay monogamous relationship without having sex. It makes me feel like we are freaks.

    You're not freaks. Sexless marriages are as common in the gay world as they are in the straight world. It's just that no one ever talks about it.

    Wish I had some actual advice for you. I know this doesn't really help all that much.
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    Nov 14, 2011 11:09 PM GMT
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    Nov 14, 2011 11:11 PM GMT
    I am so sorry to read of what you are experiencing. I don't have any startling revelations for you or any profound words other that to wish you the best and identify with you from a past relationship. It really bites when you are crazy nuts for your partner and he, for whatever reason, can't reciprocate the passion and sensuality. I do hope it works out for you both the way you want and deserve it to.

    J (of J and W)
  • jim_sf

    Posts: 2094

    Nov 14, 2011 11:12 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidMonogamy only works if the parties involved are committed to making their sex life perpetually interesting and exciting.


    This.
  • wander2340

    Posts: 176

    Nov 14, 2011 11:12 PM GMT
    BH_nexus saidnearly 20 years of little to no sex, i really dont think hes going to, or wants to change


    +1

    I know plenty of couples where one guy isn't interested in sex but the other one is so you are definitely not alone. Glad you both still love each other.

    Just a random thought... Do you constantly tell him how sexy he is and that you want to have sex with him? Over time he may warm up to the idea. If he likes to cuddle with you it should be relatively easy to take it to the next level. Just take it slow while still making it clear what you want. You've been with him long enough to know what he likes. Tell him all the hot things you want to do with him.
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    Nov 14, 2011 11:14 PM GMT
    Your situation is quite hard to imagine but I know it does happen. I haven't been in that long of a relationship (8+ yrs) and I sometimes also feel like I am losing my libido. Until we found something that spiced things up in bed - threesome.

    I know it isn't for everyone, but I also know other couples (married gays) who do the same thing every now and then. I found out about this kink while we were talking one night about a dream I had where I watched my BF having sex with another guy, and I was enjoying it. We both got turned ON, so we did it.

    I don't advise you to do the same, but like what another guy said above, find something that might spice things up. Unless of course it is medical.

    Overall, I think sex is overrated. icon_redface.gif Stay strong!
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    Nov 14, 2011 11:20 PM GMT
    My first relationship turned into a sexless relationship. We were together a year. The sex didn't start out amazing, and it only got worse. It became infrequent to the point of going months at a time (for 2 25-year-olds, that's kind of rare).

    It became our issue. We talked about it a lot. He began to resent me because he thought I was basing our relationship on sex. I resented him because he had a previously lascivious lifestyle and had all these crazy stories about his sexual past, but never did our sex life approach that. Sex was also new to me (I had only had sex 3 times with one person before we started dating).

    It was a bad dynamic. We got along great in so many ways, sex was the ONLY thing we ever really fought about. He didn't care if I had other guys, but *I* cared. I'm jealous, and I don't anticipate trying to change that. I don't "need" monogamy out of some importation of heternormative behavior, but I choose it.

    In the case of my first love, whom I met after the first bf, we never suffered bed death, possibly because we broke up before long. I imagine your relationship started out like ours. The only reason we didn't have sex every day was because we weren't terribly close geographically, but we fucked like mad when we saw each other. He's still the best sex I've ever had.

    In the end, I'm not sure what advice to give, since in my first situation it turned out that we just weren't in love, though we loved each other. In your case... you have to decide if you are willing and able to go without sex completely to be with him. That seems to be the choice he is presenting you, if he's unwilling to continue a constructive dialogue on the issue or seek medical help. How would you rate your relationship health OUTSIDE of this issue? If I were a guessing person, I would say that his feelings for you have changed.
  • socalvince

    Posts: 3

    Nov 14, 2011 11:28 PM GMT
    I have tried everything I could think of to spice things up, and believe me, I have quite the imagination. I can get as kinky as you can imagine.

    Physically he is fine. He has always had a slight underlying depression. He has tried to deal with that.

    The therapy we went to together was always related to sex. We don't really have any other problems. We have a lot in common and are really devoted to each other. I don't even want to have sex with someone else. If I just wanted to get off I could, and do, take care of it myself. Having sex with some random guy is not making love to the man I love. I only want him. When I said I believe in monogamy, I meant it. If he were sick for whatever reason, that wouldn't make me want to have sex with someone else, it would just help me to understand but that isn't the issue.

    I do know we are not the only couple who have this problem. I hope that perhaps I meet someone else who is going through this and lives in southern California just so we can bitch about it to eac other. I am in therapy and so is he but is still feels like I am going through this alone.
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    Nov 14, 2011 11:30 PM GMT
    Vince sorry to here about your situation.

    What else is going on in his life?

    Is he anxious or stressed about work or family for example?
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    Nov 14, 2011 11:33 PM GMT
    does he take antidepressants? I'm taking Paxil and it screws my libido up badly...i sometimes go months not wanting sex...fucking doctor won't do anything about it either........................one thing we know for sure,he still loves you and wants intimacy...he wants to cuddle,etc....so it has to be a sex drive problem. maybe he needs to take some zinc and magnesium supplements..that would help his testosterone levels a bit
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    Nov 14, 2011 11:45 PM GMT
    That really sucks. Did he go to counseling with you. He has to have something underlying going on. I mean I don't know any guys who don't want sex that long. Does he have erectile dysfunction possibly?

    On the bright side at least he still cuddles with you icon_smile.gif.
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    Nov 14, 2011 11:45 PM GMT
    It's pretty common and since sex is for procreating it is biologically normal. Chemically castrate yourself and all will be well. Celibate communities use diet and herbs to live happily without sexual intercourse. Basically, your husband's biochemistry is already there. I've know people that have lost interest in sex with weed, becoming vegetarian, eating soy based diets and removing garlic, onions and cinnamon from their diets.
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    Nov 14, 2011 11:46 PM GMT
    socalvince saidI do know we are not the only couple who have this problem. I hope that perhaps I meet someone else who is going through this and lives in southern California just so we can bitch about it to eac other. I am in therapy and so is he but is still feels like I am going through this alone.


    LOL! I also live in Encino. icon_razz.gif