Came out to the parents.

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    Nov 14, 2011 8:43 PM GMT
    So a couple weeks ago, i came out to my parents with some pretty mixed results. I will start with the good. Dad said "oh..... Well.... I will always love you. I will never judge you. Who would i be to judge something i dont understand. Dont worry i will accept you and whoever you are with, because if they love you they must be a great person." needless to say i cried and had an over- emotional Golden Girls type of moment.
    Then i told mom.... She said "wtf... You are sick. I think you need to go see someone. I cant even talk to you. You might as well be dead like your brother. ( my lil bro passed away this august) she said she cant talk to me anymore and if i call she wont pick up. Weused to be very close and this still hurts me immensely. I do realize however that it is her problem to deal with since i am still there for her till the end. I guess im just wondering if anyone else has had similar results and if so, how long it took the parents to come around again if they ever did.
  • groundcombat

    Posts: 945

    Nov 14, 2011 9:53 PM GMT
    First off, congrats.

    I'm sorry your mom took the news so poorly. Parents usually need time to take in the news like we need time to take in the realization we're gay. Not to say your mom is necessarily going to eventually come around to marching in gay parades with you, but they need time to process it. My experience was similar with my dad actually taking it slightly better than my mom. I think dads can be easier in that they can relate to your sex drive. I'm still not necessarily convinced women even have a sex drive independent of all that love and mushy stuff, but I digress.

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    Nov 14, 2011 10:19 PM GMT
    I'm so sorry. That sucks.

    Hopefully, you can give her some time and try to be patient with her. Buyer her books. Send her information on PFLAG. Answer any questions as patiently as you can.

    If she hasn't come around in a year or so, then you might try some pressure of your own. She's not going to "wish you dead" for very long - I'm quite sure that she didn't mean that - and she's going to want to be part of your life. A parent's desire for contact with their children is a powerful tool we can use to leverage their acceptance.
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    Nov 14, 2011 10:37 PM GMT
    First, a couple of questions. Are your parents married? and, whether they are or not, how is their relationship? I'm just wondering if your dad can be any kind of help on this front. Could he help her come around? Or do they have the kind of relationship where his being ok with it will actually encourage her to not be ok with it? If they have a good relationship, ask for his help. If they don't, try not to ever mention his support--don't ever make her think you're comparing them, or that you think he's a better parent than her. Alienating her won't help one bit.

    Now, as to how to proceed. I think she's probably still in a very fragile emotional state from the death of your brother. She lost a child--which must be one of the most painful and traumatic experiences any human could ever suffer--and now just a couple of months later she has lost the image she had of her other child. She's probably thinking that she doesn't even know who you are anymore--that you "might as well be dead," because what she sees now is a stranger. So I don't read what she said as her meaning she wishes you were dead--just that you "might as well be." See what I'm saying?

    So the first thing you should do is reassure her, constantly, in whichever ways you can, that you are still the same man she raised. Assure her that she did nothing wrong (mothers, and not just the ones of the Catholic and Jewish variety, often blame themselves for many things that "turn out wrong" with their kids). So just be patient. Be yourself. Don't lie to comfort her (this will be a big temptation--to tell her "yeah, maybe I'll change someday" just to make her feel better), but also be kind. She has to come to terms with two deaths now: your brother's and that of the image she had of you.

    If you see yourself building a family in the future, tell her that. Show her that her dreams for you need only be altered lightly. That they're not all gone. Be careful with how you bring this one up, though, and be prepared for some nasty responses at first: "that is sick, how can you think that two men could raise a child." But little by little it will sink in.

    This will be a war of attrition. So arm yourself with patience, kindness, and (pardon the mushiness) a great deal of love for a woman who I am sure loves you more than life itself.
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    Nov 14, 2011 10:43 PM GMT
    Oh, boy. Your mom didn't just take it poorly, she was pretty god damn verbally abusive. I mean that's the kind of shit bullies shout. So sorry for that. She's clearly got a long way to go. Your dad was pretty awesome, however, and hopefully he follows up with his promises. Keep close by him, because he's going to have to guide your mom.

    Question: Do you have any other siblings? (also sorry about your loss) Just wondering if your mom is worried she might not have grandkids.
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    Nov 14, 2011 11:03 PM GMT
    You should make her watch a film I just saw recently. It's called prayers for bobby. It actually helped me build up the courage to come out to my parents. it also might make your mom understand a little more about gay culture and how difficult it is for you coming out. It's a bit of a tear jerker...and sigourney weaver is great in it!!!
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    Nov 14, 2011 11:13 PM GMT
    The shock, so soon after losing your brother, probably made her react somewhat irrationally. When I was 13 my big brother was killed accidentally. We were all devastated; he was clearly my parents' favourite and I say that with no bitterness. After all, i idolized him too. Anyway, my parents kind of went off the deep end for a few years and I found life a bit rough. We all muddled through at the end and I understand that stuff was said and done that was solely because of their grief. Give your mom some time to process everything and maybe it will all be ok in the long run. **sending positive thoughts your way**
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    Nov 14, 2011 11:44 PM GMT
    gemini503 saidSo a couple weeks ago, i came out to my parents with some pretty mixed results. I will start with the good. Dad said "oh..... Well.... I will always love you. I will never judge you. Who would i be to judge something i dont understand. Dont worry i will accept you and whoever you are with, because if they love you they must be a great person." needless to say i cried and had an over- emotional Golden Girls type of moment.
    Then i told mom.... She said "wtf... You are sick. I think you need to go see someone. I cant even talk to you. You might as well be dead like your brother. ( my lil bro passed away this august) she said she cant talk to me anymore and if i call she wont pick up. Weused to be very close and this still hurts me immensely. I do realize however that it is her problem to deal with since i am still there for her till the end. I guess im just wondering if anyone else has had similar results and if so, how long it took the parents to come around again if they ever did.


    My mom acted like that at first but this year has been one where we bonded. We caught my Dad cheating on her and when she confronted him about it he became physically abusive again. Growing up as a kid I kind of delt with it (one time I did call the cops and it stopped) but there was no way in hell I was about to let that happen so when he did hit her I warned his ass I would put him in jail if he did it. He didn't believe me... he's in county for 90 days and had his probation revoked. Fuck 'em. One thing is for sure, my mom finally told me that she realized even though I'm gay I am the son she raised and having seeing what I was looking for in the guys that were my boyfriends she knows I am looking for quality and want the same things she wants for me just in my own flavor. I love how she says things. It's gotten better with time and with my most recent breakup in the middle of all this mess. She's really be there for me and even said... it's his loss but I think he will realize in time. He still loves you and everytime she sees him.... she knows its true. Also, the first time I was going to meet his parents, she gave me a blessing that I would find happiness and that his family would come to know the person I am and that I would be welcomed. Chris's mom and I still talk. She's a wonderful person and even she says... oh yeah.. I said he was stupid for leaving you but whatever I think it will just take time. I don't care Im moving forward but Im very happy that my mom really sees I am who she raised. Being gay is only a small part of me.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Nov 15, 2011 12:07 AM GMT
    My mom didn't speak to me for several months after I came out to her, but she improved gradually and eventually got to the point where she was cool with it. I'd let her make the next move. In the meantime, relish the relationship you have with your dad and hopefully your mom will come around.
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    Nov 15, 2011 4:11 AM GMT
    If you are her only remaining child, some of that may have to do with the fact that it is unlikely that she will ever have grandchildren now. Many mothers freak out a bit at first even if there is no actual religious or social stigma to overcome. And i hate to say it, but your timing might have been a bit off... The first thanksgiving, christmas, new year after the death of someone very close is usually a period with a lot more emotions than they would otherwise have...
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    Nov 15, 2011 4:44 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear man but just remember real family will LOVE you no matter what you do or no matter who you are. If she could say that to you and sever your relationship so easily than maybe she never really loved you at all. .
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    Nov 15, 2011 5:06 AM GMT
    YVRguy saidThe shock, so soon after losing your brother, probably made her react somewhat irrationally. When I was 13 my big brother was killed accidentally. We were all devastated; he was clearly my parents' favourite and I say that with no bitterness. After all, i idolized him too. Anyway, my parents kind of went off the deep end for a few years and I found life a bit rough. We all muddled through at the end and I understand that stuff was said and done that was solely because of their grief. Give your mom some time to process everything and maybe it will all be ok in the long run. **sending positive thoughts your way**


    I'm going to second this opinion, without dismissing what everyone else is saying (there is no excuse to how poorly she reacted). But this was my reaction as well --- she is most likely undergoing some serious psychological issues at the moment (is she getting any help at all to help her cope with the loss of a son? a counselor, psychiatrist, support group?) and probably overreacted... big time. I'm sorry. And I'm also sorry to say that I feel you might have to be the bigger person here and give her some time. No doubt, it sucks.

    Foster your relationship with your dad on this front, though.

    I found in my life it was not JUST about coming out - it was also about keeping the communication lines open; talking about it all; playing a bit of the counselor if you will. Eventually the stupid questions, irrational doubts and borderline disrespectful remarks stopped. They got it all out and understood who I was. They listened. But they listened because I talked.
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    Jan 18, 2012 7:26 AM GMT
    An update if anyone still cares this far down the road.... I have a good relationship with my parents again. Mom came around. She apologized for the way she reacted. I went to visit them for new years. I slept in my old bedroom. I was welcomed in their home. It was known that i would be spending the nite of the holiday with another guy, and they didnt mind. They kept asking about my "friend" it was nice. Im so glad i went forward with all of this. Life couldnt feel better right now!
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jan 18, 2012 7:41 AM GMT
    Congrats you've seen a turnaround in your mother. It's not easy to put ourselves out there to be judged at our most vulnerable and then be rejected. But, remember, it took you years to become comfortable with who you are. If they really had no clue, telling them you are gay at 31 might be a big shock. It can take a while to process that information. I'm glad, given time, your mother has moved beyond her initial reaction, which must have been painful to hear. Glad it got better. And glad you didn't give up on her.
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    Jan 18, 2012 7:48 AM GMT
    I'm glad she came around, and realised that you're still the same person you've always been, and most important of all, that you're still her son. I'm vicariously happy for you! icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 18, 2012 7:59 AM GMT
    I'm so glad your mom came around and I'm glad you updated the post. I was really bummed after reading your original post which is nothing compared to how you must have felt. Nice to hear everything is going well. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 18, 2012 8:03 AM GMT
    Goodluck with everything Gemini503. The guys above have provided some sound advice to hopefully assist you through to the other side of your current situation. *Hugs*
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    Jan 18, 2012 8:08 AM GMT
    gemini503 saidAn update if anyone still cares this far down the road.... I have a good relationship with my parents again. Mom came around. She apologized for the way she reacted. I went to visit them for new years. I slept in my old bedroom. I was welcomed in their home. It was known that i would be spending the nite of the holiday with another guy, and they didnt mind. They kept asking about my "friend" it was nice. Im so glad i went forward with all of this. Life couldnt feel better right now!


    I am happy to hear of the resolution of your mom's issue! It's great that you can now just get on with other things. icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 18, 2012 8:09 AM GMT
    condolences on ur loss... she has had a rough time... she likely feels like she has lost u too ( in some way) .... be patient, she will come around, she will need u.. keep talking to her. Congrats.. XO to ya.
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    Jan 18, 2012 8:09 AM GMT
    Congrats and I will keep you in my prayers. My dad was the same way. Mom took it a little weird at first but over the past few years she's been coming around. She's joined in on quite a few gay nights with my ex boyfriend and I, and some gay friends within the last year so I just want to tell you that it should get better with time. sometimes never but one can hope. Take care bro! We're here for you.
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    Jan 18, 2012 9:54 AM GMT
    First off congratulations on coming out! I told my parents on New Years day. Mine was the opposite to yours though, my mom was so happy for me. My father on the other hand has been going on about what a problematic child I've been and he doesn't seem to want to believe it. I guess only time can heal.

    Sorry to hear about your brother though
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    Jan 18, 2012 11:01 AM GMT
    gemini503 saidSo a couple weeks ago, i came out to my parents with some pretty mixed results. I will start with the good. Dad said "oh..... Well.... I will always love you. I will never judge you. Who would i be to judge something i dont understand. Dont worry i will accept you and whoever you are with, because if they love you they must be a great person." needless to say i cried and had an over- emotional Golden Girls type of moment.
    Then i told mom.... She said "wtf... You are sick. I think you need to go see someone. I cant even talk to you. You might as well be dead like your brother. ( my lil bro passed away this august) she said she cant talk to me anymore and if i call she wont pick up. Weused to be very close and this still hurts me immensely. I do realize however that it is her problem to deal with since i am still there for her till the end. I guess im just wondering if anyone else has had similar results and if so, how long it took the parents to come around again if they ever did.


    I'm so sorry that your mom didn't accept it. My dad said hurtful things to me, he said don't tell anyone you're gay, it's like phedophiles and incest, you don't talk about it.
    My mum said terrible things to me, she thinks it's disgusting and she had a breakdown about it.

    It was the worst day of my life. I've got no friends to talk to because well, I don't have any friends, I seem to stay away from people unless they figure out that I'm gay and they obviously go round telling everyone and then my parents would disown me and I won't have anywhere to go.
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    Jan 18, 2012 11:18 AM GMT
    If I came out to my parents at the age of 31, I wouldn't much care what the fuck they though quite frankly.
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    Jan 18, 2012 11:44 AM GMT
    gemini503 saidSo a couple weeks ago, i came out to my parents with some pretty mixed results. I will start with the good. Dad said "oh..... Well.... I will always love you. I will never judge you. Who would i be to judge something i dont understand. Dont worry i will accept you and whoever you are with, because if they love you they must be a great person." needless to say i cried and had an over- emotional Golden Girls type of moment.
    Then i told mom.... She said "wtf... You are sick. I think you need to go see someone. I cant even talk to you. You might as well be dead like your brother. ( my lil bro passed away this august) she said she cant talk to me anymore and if i call she wont pick up. Weused to be very close and this still hurts me immensely. I do realize however that it is her problem to deal with since i am still there for her till the end. I guess im just wondering if anyone else has had similar results and if so, how long it took the parents to come around again if they ever did.
    Your mom is a closeted lesbian. That's the ONLY reason anyone hates gays...they hate themselves.

    If I were you, I'd tell her that.
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    Jan 18, 2012 2:23 PM GMT
    gemini503 saidAn update if anyone still cares this far down the road.... I have a good relationship with my parents again. Mom came around. She apologized for the way she reacted. I went to visit them for new years. I slept in my old bedroom. I was welcomed in their home. It was known that i would be spending the nite of the holiday with another guy, and they didnt mind. They kept asking about my "friend" it was nice. Im so glad i went forward with all of this. Life couldnt feel better right now!


    REPOSTING OP's POST as some seemed to have missed it before responding.

    OP, congrats. I think this is the first update I've read of a parent coming around. Good for you. Good for them. Good for us.