My 600th post: A Public Confession!

  • MattyC0709

    Posts: 1199

    Jun 02, 2008 3:21 PM GMT
    Please do not skim through this post, as I am writing this as I think about it, and therefore I would like you to understand how I may be feeling while I'm writing this.

    I feel bad about how many people here on RJ are looking up to me as a straight guy unlike any other, who doesn't give a shit about whether his friends are straight or gay, and not at all ashamed of being a part of this LGTB online community. I've been quite scared to start this thread, I was originally going to post it as my 500th post, but I chickened out. I was then going to wait until I have to post my 1000th post, but I know I must post this now, otherwise I'll be living a lie for too long, and I'll only feel more miserable about possibly making everyone change their opinion on me. The truth is... I'm not 100% straight... and never have been.

    Yes, that is my truth. I guess some of you are surprised, and some of you feel betrayed, and the latter is the reason why I've been scared to post this.

    What I mean by "not 100% straight" is that I'm a bisexual... I guess. I haven't really made up my mind on either sex, and don't know if I'll ever reach a desicion (but I think I'm leaning more to gay), so for now I'm playing it safe as a newbie to this new phase of my life... I've only recently appected my new orientation (about two weeks ago).

    I basically knew something was up (no pun intended) at about the age of 12, the year I introduced myself to porn. icon_redface.gif At first it was all straight like everyone else, but it wasn't long that I wondered what gay porn is like, and from that moment on, I almost never went back. Honestly, I kept thinking it may just have been a phase and that I was just a straight who had fantasies with other guys, but hell I've been wrong for 6 years denying the possibility of being a LGTB! I must also admit that I've been slightly homophobic in front of friends and family through most of the process, sch as not allowing other to pretend to be gay with me and stuff like that.

    The whole process therefore ended up being based upon sexual fantasies really. icon_redface.gif That is why I never considered being a LGTB. The only thing that was going to help me break through that barrier was if I could actually fall for a guy and imagine myself in a romantic relationship with him, and that is what has happened! I was like, "Oh my God! I think I really AM gay!" His name is Nick!

    Now some of you may be wondering what is there to be afraid of, it's just a simple coming out. The bad thing about it is that I haven't told any of you that I am at least curious, but instead labeled myself as being completely straight, and never mentioned anything to anyone, even as my 'gayness' grew stronger. So now I'm afraid that my friends here who liked me because I had the balls to be a straight in a gay community will now turn their backs on me and view me with disgust.

    I guess now I'm gonna have to re-write my 'About Me', and 'Guys I'd Like To Meet' sections, and may possibly have to delete half of my testimonials, or at least mention that I got them as a former straight. At least I can hotlist now! Another reason for not having mentioned anything is also due to being scared of having someone find my profile and read about me being LGTB. Well, now I figured I can use my profile as a way of coming out to them, kind of having let them find out about me, and letting them deal with it in their own time, and then they can tell me later that they know and if they are cool with it.

    It feels good to have gotten this off my chest to you, but now I'm pressured by your reactions. I hope you can all forgive me for never having disclosed this to anyone, and if you can't I'll understand, and I'll be out of here before you can say "muttskins".

    Shit I think I'm gonna cry.

    Please also note that I'm gonna stop using those smilies at the end of each post, as some sort of symbol for my coming out I guess, and because they're creepy and don't allow this post to portray its seriousness.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2008 3:29 PM GMT
    Well Muttskins I am glad you are starting to be totally honest with yourself and those on RJ. The old cliche "honesty is the best policy" is very true, unfortunately it is sometimes a very painful policy as well.

    To be honest I had forgotten that you were calling yourself straight, so I personally do not feel betrayed. Hopefully others on RJ will not react negatively.

    Best of luck in moving forward in the phase of your personal life I am sure you will find it exciting, tumultous, nerve racking, fun, and at times upsetting.
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    Jun 02, 2008 3:30 PM GMT
    muttskins -

    Coming out can be really scary, and is an intensely personal process. I don't think anyone here can begrudge you your fear. Becoming comfortable with yourself and with other gay men is the most important step in coming to terms with your sexuality. If we collectively have helped you make that little transition, we should be a bit honored that you've accepted your orientation. It would be a sad day if meeting us sent your screaming back into the closet instead. icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 02, 2008 3:33 PM GMT
    I hope you have found RJ a safe place while you are sorting out your feelings. And that the guys here have made a good impression for being gay. It sounds like at least one has.

    Oh, and I dont feel betrayed. Ya had to do what ya had to do...and it didnt hurt anybody.

    I did think it was kinda odd for straight guy to hang on a strictly gay site, but maybe you were getting something out of it. Like, we have straight members on the gay online prostate cancer support group. They say they join cuz gays talk more openly about the problems than straight guys do.

    Oh, and welcome to the dark side...Bwhahahahahahahaha

    oh i crack me up ... icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2008 3:50 PM GMT
    "You are by far my biggest disappointment..."

























    ...no coming out party? Shit. To think I booked The Corrs.
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Jun 02, 2008 4:19 PM GMT
    I think someone needs a hug.


    hugs.gif
  • NickoftheNort...

    Posts: 1416

    Jun 02, 2008 5:41 PM GMT
    The change from "it's just a phase" to "I think I'm gay" is one of the most significant changes you can do for yourself. Congratulations icon_biggrin.gif

    It's tumultuous and can be frightening (especially if you've been thinking how your life was "supposed" to go a la normative straightdom). You've got a good community here though and you should be fine (those who might possibly be upset by your lack of straightdom will be upset that you're breaking the(ir) perception of you...if they've got a problem with you coming to terms with yourself, screw them...metaphorically).

    Once again, congratulations!

    *hugs*
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    Jun 02, 2008 7:05 PM GMT
    Did you hear that, mutt? What are you waiting for?! Screw me. icon_razz.gif
    My backdoor is open for you, regardless. You can even call me the name of the object of your affection as you do!!! I don't mind. icon_cool.gif
  • badtouch

    Posts: 67

    Jun 02, 2008 7:47 PM GMT
    i'm a bit of a wallflower so it feels strange to comment on this because my posts are few and, therefore, likely less recognised. still, the subject merits something other than silence (did i hear someone mention party?)

    "in wise love each divines the high secret self of the other, and, refusing to believe in the more daily self, creates a mirror where the lover or the beloved sees an image to copy in daily life." --yeats

    brava to he (the anonymous) who instilled this newfound courage in you, and to you, who had the heart to accept it.
  • DJKeens

    Posts: 40

    Jun 02, 2008 7:58 PM GMT
    Kudos. It's never an easy road to follow. Piss on anyone who is angry that you "lied". Considering how emotionally damaging coming out can be, I'm sure most everyone understands. Now you can have some fun.
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    Jun 02, 2008 8:01 PM GMT
    DJKeens said Now you can have some fun.

    Not until he improves in Math.icon_evil.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2008 8:40 PM GMT
    Hmmmmmm.....I always thought you were gay. I guess acting straight wasn't really fooling me.

    I'm sorry this is a milestone for you I shouldn't be making jokes. Congrats about your self realization. It's always a step in the right direction.

    I think you need to give your RJ friends more credit. They can be understanding..................sometimes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2008 8:41 PM GMT
    Mutt -

    First, bravo. Its odd that coming out is a hard thing to do on a gay site, but really its the same pressures as anywhere. I know it was hard for you, but know you have our support.

    Second, personally, I am not surprised. I never felt the need to label you, but you do have to have some questions about a guy who is curious enough to join a site like this. Aside from being open minded of course.

    Third, we are not betrayed. You should only think of whats right for you when you divulge parts of yourself. I think you did what you needed to do.

    Fourth, don't be ashamed or feel you have to change the way you represent yourself or yout testimonials. Life is a journey with no set path and our direction changes. If you look back at where you have been with shame or regret you will never fully apprciate where you have traveled to get where you are today.

    So take pride in your journey and be true to yourself and protect yourself the way you need to. The universe will do the rest.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2008 8:48 PM GMT
    Congrat's. If anybody can sympathize with what your going through its the guys on this site. You have come to terms with yourself and that within itself is a wonderful thing. Your going to be alright.
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    Jun 02, 2008 8:56 PM GMT
    gymguy1 saidYour going to be alright.

    Hmmm.... not unless he gets a passing grade in Math.
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Jun 02, 2008 9:02 PM GMT
    zimster said[quote][cite]gymguy1 said[/cite]Your going to be alright.

    Hmmm.... not unless he gets a passing grade in Math.[/quote]

    Zim, don't you have a party to organise, or something icon_question.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2008 9:15 PM GMT
    You'll have even more friends, not less! The truer you are to yourself the more attractive you become to others, both romantically and platonically.

    Way to get some balls and do the hard work. Keep moving forward man. You've got another supporter in the ATX now.

    (insert smiley here)
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    Jun 02, 2008 9:15 PM GMT
    MikePhil saidZim, don't you have a party to organise, or something icon_question.gif

    Bitch, why do you have to either repeat what I say or make me repeat myself?!
    I got hold of his college. His Math professor ain't impressed with his grades as of late, neither do I.
    So no party unless he passes Math with pride colors!!! icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2008 9:41 PM GMT
    I hope you have a sense of relief having gotten that off your chest. Welcome to the fold. You should be getting your copy of "The Gay Agenda" in 4 to 6 weeks. icon_biggrin.gif
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Jun 02, 2008 9:43 PM GMT
    zimster said[quote][cite]MikePhil said[/cite]Bitch, why do you have to either repeat what I say or make me repeat myself?!
    I got hold of his college. His Math professor ain't impressed with his grades as of late, neither do I.
    So no party unless he passes Math with pride colors!!! icon_razz.gif


    I just like it when you call me bitch icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2008 9:57 PM GMT
    muttskins saidI guess some of you are surprised, and some of you feel betrayed

    For most of us, it's probably neither. You might be the one who's surprised... surprised at how few of us are really surprised.

    You're 18 and most of us have been where you are now. I probably speak for many when I say we've been patiently waiting for this announcement, notwithstanding (or probably because of) the repeated, insistent, and persistent proclamations that you're straight. There's that little saying "thou doth protest too much".

    I would say it was almost becoming a running joke, but the conflict a person feels about coming out and accepting their sexuality is not a humorous matter.

    I don't think you need to make any apologies or feel concerned about what anyone here thinks of you now... guess what... we're gay too! So, it's alright.

    But rest assured we're going to mercilessly razz you about this phase where you insisted you were straight. icon_wink.gif
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jun 02, 2008 9:57 PM GMT
    I guess I never got from your previous 599 posts that you were straight to begin with. Sorry, my bad. I thought you looked gay (Just kidding.).

    But I hope you're finding you stressed out for nothing. I hope we're an accepting crowd. Coming out is a process. I know there were a couple of years before I had sex that I described myself as bi. But, where you end up on the Kinsey scale is up to you. Only you can make you happy. So, don't let yourself be judged by straights for being gay or bi. And don't let yourself be judged by gays for being straight or bi.
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    Jun 02, 2008 10:18 PM GMT
    Hey mutt i also want to add that u shouldnt worry about a thing. Most of the people on here have gone through what you have and i have to relate because what you wrote is almost exactly what i went through a few months ago. Dont worry about it. Everything will be great, u are even more brave for showing your face and everything and dont worry about the gays, they dont freak out when they find out someone straight is gay, on the contrary, the welcome him with open arms and legs and butts! Once again congrats for coming out
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    Jun 02, 2008 10:27 PM GMT
    Additionally, your innate good taste just doubled in precision.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2008 10:40 PM GMT
    Yo, Mudflaps.

    1. I doubt anyone is surprised.

    2. I'd be truly shocked if anyone would be angry. Instead, I imagine the general feeling is, "Good for you" for admitting how you feel, and "welcome".

    3. I think you're cool whether you're straight, gay, bisexual, or like dogs.

    Whatever you are, life will be easier when you're honest with yourself. Dry those tears. You're brave.

    Hugs to you, MustardPlaster.