Am I fooling myself that this "relationship" can ever be what i'd want?

  • corianton

    Posts: 36

    Nov 17, 2011 6:32 AM GMT
    Ok, first off, I had a car accident(lots of damage) coming home from work today, so I'm feeling down tonight. However, it's only brought into sharp focus the issues (including the 'relationship' one) that I'm dealing with in my life.

    I realize I will probably get some blunt replies thrown back at me, and that's probably for the good. I think I need more than a dash of cold reality

    First, the guy. Like me, divorced with kids. About 10-15 years younger than me (early 40's). I live alone. He shares a place with his son and brother, I am closeted, but starting to come out. I live in a small city of 25,000 with no really active gay community, although I do have a few gay friends, and some guys I have hooked up with. I have attended LGBT events of different types in the nearest large city Edmonton(2.5 hours away) and have gotten to know a lot of people....more than acquaintances in many cases, but just a few friends that I keep in continuous contact with. I have been on a few dates with guys in Edmonton, and they have been interesting,but it is really too far to enable a further development at present. He is totally closeted, and knows few if any other gay people, and if it can be believed, says he hooks up only with me. I say 'relationship' only because we talk about work sometimes (we are in the same industry)and the fact we have hooked up many times now in the 3 years or so we have known each other. We are only able to meet sporadically, due to our work and schedules. And it always happens at my house.

    I am a romantic, he is not. Seems to be very orientated to mainly sex, and quickie sex at that. I have tried to get him to do things like kissing, but have only rarely succeeded (usually when he was a little drunk). Still....this is better than the alternatives. Other than the few gay friends I have (non sexual), it is very difficult in this town to meet nice guys for dating. I get very little response to my inquiries. There is more luck with sexual connections, but it is even more mechanical that with this guy.I am wanting far more than that. Lots of red flags here, However, if moving to Edmonton is viewed as an “escape” from problems.....it this the best I can hope for staying where I am?

    I have possible work opportunity reasons as well as just liking the additional activities which a large city can offer a person, even apart from the LGBT social scene ( which is quite healthy in Edmonton), i've had some good times, and met great people. I'm a real volunteer type person, coming from a Latter Day Saint background). The car accident today threw me back emotionally to a bad place: That accepting being gay and acting on it were “bad” things and I was being punished for it. I don't believe that at all, but it was depressing to feel that way again. I realize that there are some issues with my ex-wife and financial affairs which need to be resolved before I can go on. Maybe that's where I should be taking myself to task, (for being unfocused in facing my issues)not blaming myself for being gay.

    I realize that seem to be really confused....yes I am lol ;) I guess I wrote this down partly to see where I'm at, and where I want and should go with my life. And partly it was to see if any of you relate to any of this, and would be willing to share your experiences and how you dealt with it. I am not necessarily seeking advice on what I SHOULD do. However feel free to fire away if the mood strikes you icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 17, 2011 6:45 AM GMT
    I only saw one bit about your 'relationship', it was very negative. A deal breaker. He sounds more like "the fuck buddy that never left".

    The rest was about your circumstance and how it keeps you from easily finding a better potential partner. It sounds like you know you need to look further than this guy, but are unable to do so where you live... You sound like you want to move. I don't know exactly what is keeping you there. Do you?

    I think you need to get rid of your friend to enable you to look for a relationship, it's what you want. Seems like he is holding you back from actually searching. You're too comfortable (Well, not really. This post definitely shows that you're nowhere near comfortable.)

    Dump him. Start looking...
    Move if you want to - and I think you want to.
    It's not an escape... You're living in the escape.
    Go take what you want, whatever it is... You know.


    Oh, the Mormon guilt stuff... I almost forgot. Fuck it. Live for the only person who can make a difference in your life (you) - don't step on any toes - fuck everyone else.
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    Nov 17, 2011 6:54 AM GMT
    Oh, not wanting advice what you should do... My bad.


    But do it anyways. icon_biggrin.gif You need to. DOITNOW.
  • corianton

    Posts: 36

    Nov 17, 2011 7:20 AM GMT
    @ ThePenIsMyTier Thanks for this ....yes i have actually "dumped" him before...and stated why. he has then contacted me again...and we have started up again. really its pretty sad what i have "settled" for.....unless you compare it to the alternatives....mostly closeted married men. In many respects, he's a nice guy, but obviously there is not much to hold us together.

    When fear and doubt creep in....making a change in one's life seems daunting. also the feeling that one doesn't deserve happiness. .....BIG TIME de-motivator. icon_sad.gif(

    I am just going to pull myself up by my bookstraps and re-focus EVERY DAY on what I truly want. I had some really positive experiences in Edmonton over the weekend. A friend of mine in the bear community does job interview strategy sessions and we had a really productive meeting. It allowed me to see me more objectively....appreciate my strengths and develop strengths from the weaknesses I have. And to always stay in control. That strategy works well anywhere.

    And the Mormon issue.......I am past the guilt...mostly I think. While there are good things about the "faith" I still identify with, I rarely attend church anymore. The volunteer aspect is something I'm glad I've retained, as it has helped the transition into the functional LGBT community immensely. one thing i know for syre...i will NOT be lonely in Edmonton. So much to look forward to. Maybe I can even help other gay guys who aren't so open and social to get past their loneliness.I'm looking at alternate gay friendly denominations. Ultimately, however, my strength of character and spirit DO need to come from within myself
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 17, 2011 1:14 PM GMT
    ThePenIsMyTier saidI only saw one bit about your 'relationship', it was very negative. A deal breaker. He sounds more like "the fuck buddy that never left".

    The rest was about your circumstance and how it keeps you from easily finding a better potential partner. It sounds like you know you need to look further than this guy, but are unable to do so where you live... You sound like you want to move. I don't know exactly what is keeping you there. Do you?

    I think you need to get rid of your friend to enable you to look for a relationship, it's what you want. Seems like he is holding you back from actually searching. You're too comfortable (Well, not really. This post definitely shows that you're nowhere near comfortable.)

    Dump him. Start looking...
    Move if you want to - and I think you want to.
    It's not an escape... You're living in the escape.
    Go take what you want, whatever it is... You know.


    Oh, the Mormon guilt stuff... I almost forgot. Fuck it. Live for the only person who can make a difference in your life (you) - don't step on any toes - fuck everyone else.


    +1
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    Nov 17, 2011 1:56 PM GMT
    If you have no reason to stay where you are, I would be all about moving closer to the city. I have family in rural Alberta (including in Manning, which is up near the NWT border) and -- when visiting them -- what crossed my mind was "What would it be like to be gay here?" I'm not out to them so the subject did not come up, but it seemed very isolating and conservative.

    Regarding the "steady" I would also advise you to treat it for what it is. He is not the future you seem to want, so if you are not able to see it for what he does, I would say you should keep it in perspective and not let it hold you back from what you really seem to want, which is a romantic partner and to be a part of an LGBT community. Since your "steady" is closeted and apparently plans to remain so, this will likely be impossible to achieve with him.

    Are you able to move to the city and keep your job?

    Also one way you might mollify the Mormon guilt stuff and meet the kind of guys that with similar values is to get involved in a faith community that affirms who you are as a person. This may also be a channel for your desire to help others. There seem to be quite a few in Edmonton (http://www.gaychurch.org/Find_a_Church/foriegn_nations/Canada/canada_Alberta_AB.htm)
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Nov 17, 2011 2:42 PM GMT
    Well you answer my question. I say you move to Edmonton. Oh and you and hookup buddy do not really have a relationship. U are only sex buddies. Dude, move to Edmonton so you can have the life that you want. U have stated that you can not meet many gay people in the town that you in.
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    Nov 17, 2011 3:42 PM GMT
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  • corianton

    Posts: 36

    Nov 18, 2011 4:07 AM GMT
    njmeanwhile saidIf you have no reason to stay where you are, I would be all about moving closer to the city. I have family in rural Alberta (including in Manning, which is up near the NWT border) and -- when visiting them -- what crossed my mind was "What would it be like to be gay here?" I'm not out to them so the subject did not come up, but it seemed very isolating and conservative.

    Yes you guessed it....not so fun

    Regarding the "steady" I would also advise you to treat it for what it is. He is not the future you seem to want, so if you are not able to see it for what he does, I would say you should keep it in perspective and not let it hold you back from what you really seem to want, which is a romantic partner and to be a part of an LGBT community. Since your "steady" is closeted and apparently plans to remain so, this will likely be impossible to achieve with him.

    Are you able to move to the city and keep your job?

    No.....but looking around in the city for something I would really love to do.

    Also one way you might mollify the Mormon guilt stuff and meet the kind of guys that with similar values is to get involved in a faith community that affirms who you are as a person. This may also be a channel for your desire to help others. There seem to be quite a few in Edmonton (http://www.gaychurch.org/Find_a_Church/foriegn_nations/Canada/canada_Alberta_AB.htm)

    You are reading my mind lol. I was at a "diversity" conference at the University of Alberta during Edmonton pride week. It was all about gay -friendly churches/faith communities and them sharing what they had to offer to LGBT persons. I'd already been to one of the congregations and made new friends...and made more at the conference. It was great!!


    GrowAPair saidtumblr_lsd6u5xBnz1qcl56x.gif


    Srsly.............+100......i told ya all I needed a little "blunt" . Thanks for putting it so diplomatically icon_lol.gif

    Thanks for all the comments, guys ! Feel much better today....good to get all the support.
  • corianton

    Posts: 36

    Nov 18, 2011 4:18 AM GMT
    I think I will just have to update this post in about a year......see where I am then icon_smile.gif))
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Nov 18, 2011 4:21 AM GMT
    I hate to be so blunt, but you're not in a relationship, this guy is a fuck buddy. I'm sure it is tough to meet guys in a small town so if you're able to move to a larger city it will increase your opportunities, but not necessarily result in a committed relationship. Good luck to you.