Am I Shallow?

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    Jun 02, 2008 5:48 PM GMT
    Am I Shallow?

    Okay, so I've kinda been seeing this one guy (been on two dates and made out) but while I was telling my friend about him she asked if I thought it was going anywhere and I responded that I wasn't sure due to the fact that, tho he is a great guy in general, he is not physcially fit or takes care of his body. I work out (weight train, cardio, try to eat right), while it looks to me that he really doesnt try to do that sort of stuff. Am I shallow for wanting a relationship with a more physically fit guy?

    *Note: I've heard both sides so far, BUT I want your opinions.
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    Jun 02, 2008 5:54 PM GMT
    aqualad01 saidAm I Shallow?

    Okay, so I've kinda been seeing this one guy (been on two dates and made out) but while I was telling my friend about him she asked if I thought it was going anywhere and I responded that I wasn't sure due to the fact that, tho he is a great guy in general, he is not physcially fit or takes care of his body. I work out (weight train, cardio, try to eat right), while it looks to me that he really doesnt try to do that sort of stuff. Am I shallow for wanting a relationship with a more physically fit guy?

    *Note: I've heard both sides so far, BUT I want your opinions.


    no, a person is a package. You have to consider all his attributes and features. His physical shape and his attitude to maintaining his physical well being are valid considerations.
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Jun 02, 2008 6:04 PM GMT
    Well, you could encourage him to get fit. Get him to go to the gym with you. Maybe he will like it.

    Are you shallow? Maybe. I know I want the same, but if I loved the guy, I wouldn't leave him. I would work on him though icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 02, 2008 6:16 PM GMT
    Shallow, no I do not think so. I personally do not usually find overweight people attractive, just like some guys don't get turned on by thin men. No point fooling yourself if he does not turn you on then he is not a good bf possibility, friend maybe.
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    Jun 02, 2008 6:17 PM GMT
    I wont give much effort in trying to change a guy. Especially one I just met...only two dates and a make out session. You haven't got that much invested. If he doesnt really want to workout...keep looking.
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Jun 02, 2008 6:29 PM GMT
    Caslon4000 saidI wont give much effort in trying to change a guy. Especially one I just met...only two dates and a make out session. You haven't got that much invested. If he doesnt really want to workout...keep looking.


    You could sculpt the man of your dreams out of him. Think of the possibilities icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 02, 2008 6:53 PM GMT
    I think we are all shallow to a certain extend. However someones physical appearance can change. Take him to the gym with you. You dont want to lose a great guy because of him not working out as much. Now if he is just a lazy bum that shows no motivation to do anything. Thats another story.
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    Jun 02, 2008 7:32 PM GMT
    Hey man, I've been having the exact same issue. I've seen this guy a couple times...made out, but haven't really been physically attracted to him although we have a great time together just hangin out and stuff. I was wondering if i am shallow too, and i guess in a way i am because, right now at least, i can't stop focusing on the physical aspect. BUT, i think that both parts of an attraction (physical and emotional) need to be present for a relationship to work, so you're not a horrible person or anything. Since the physical part is somewhat easily fixable, i'm gonna try to stick it out for a while and see what happens, but if you're not attracted, you're not attracted, no big deal.
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Jun 02, 2008 8:02 PM GMT
    If you're not physically attracted to him because of his appearance, it's not fair to either of you to stay in it because you don't want to be perceived as "shallow." You're allowed to have certain physical requirements for the people you date, and you've already given it a go and it doesn't seem like it's going to work out. Just when you tell him the news, make it about you (because it is about you and what YOU want, not about him). Then he won't feel like shit.
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    Jun 02, 2008 8:17 PM GMT
    I think there is a commitment to health and taking care of oneself that exemplifies itself in working out. Other might find this in spirituality or education. It all depends on what your priorities are. But honestly, if you question it to a point on a forum like this, you likely know the answer.
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    Jun 02, 2008 8:22 PM GMT
    Not even reading your post; if you have to ask, then yes, you are icon_biggrin.gif

    After reading your post:
    Physical attraction is an important part of relationships, and if it isnt there, then it isnt there. Yes, it's shallow to not date someone if you like them for everything but their looks, but that's how human nature is, and it's better to be shallow and honest with yourself and the other guy than lie to both him and yourself by pretending the physical attraction is there in the first place.

    I tried all of high school to be fun and spontenous, but never once had a relationship simply because I was over-weight and cared little about my appearance. Now that's i've majorly overhauled my physical activity, that's changed icon_smile.gif. Personality is very important, the most important in my book, thing about a relationship, but physical attraction is also important, and if it isnt there, it's not gonna work. Especially true if you're young, because what's the point of a relationship if you arn't having awesome hormone-driven sex? icon_twisted.gif

    so shallow? yeah. but it's the right thing to do for both parties.
  • kansascityman

    Posts: 31

    Jun 02, 2008 9:19 PM GMT
    There's a difference in having a hot body and being physically fit. Healthy living habits and being physically active is more important than being a bit larger than average. (We've all seen the guys finishing their smoke before they head into the gym) If he doesn't eat well, is he willing to give it a shot? If he looks like he's out of shape, get him to go the gym with you. It would be something else to do together, and a good way to build a bond with him.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jun 02, 2008 9:47 PM GMT
    In and of itself, I'd say no. If fitness and all that is important to you. But, you really don't say in what shape he is in other than "not fit." What does that mean? Is he slim with no definition? Is he average weight, but you can't see his abs through the thin layer around his midsection? Or is he 20 lbs overweight? If you're kicking to the curb for all but the third reason, then you might be a bit shallow -- especially if he's a great guy otherwise.

    But, for me physical attraction is as important as chemistry and intelligence and personality. It's part of the equation. I couldn't date someone more than moderately overweight with no interest in changing. It just wouldn't work for me.
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    Jun 02, 2008 10:17 PM GMT
    No, I don't think you're being shallow. I think you're just being human. It's OK to want someone who's fit. And since he sounds like a really good guy, why not (as some of the other posters have said) take him to the gym? He might really get into it.

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    Jun 02, 2008 11:02 PM GMT
    Bunjamon saidIf you're not physically attracted to him because of his appearance, it's not fair to either of you to stay in it because you don't want to be perceived as "shallow." You're allowed to have certain physical requirements for the people you date, and you've already given it a go and it doesn't seem like it's going to work out. Just when you tell him the news, make it about you (because it is about you and what YOU want, not about him). Then he won't feel like shit.


    Agree with the 6'8 behemoth icon_smile.gif...

    If you ever have to ask if you are being shallow you are probably being a bit shallow - he may in turn be the greatest guy and in turn maybe a little bit of your physical fitness will rub off on him...two years later, he is Adonis.

    HAVING SAID THAT...

    It is also important that you do not settle for just what is there right now...that is not healthy or fair to either party. You need to make sure this is the right thing and the right time for you to be with him. If it isn't, then move on.
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    Jun 02, 2008 11:07 PM GMT
    Not at all - I'd have the same thoughts/reactions. You know what you want and are looking for - that's great. I'd say get to know him better (sounds like you two hit it off) - maybe it's something he just needs a little nudging for. The gym/athletics can intimidate some people. Especially if they weren't brought up with it or aren't used to it.
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    Jun 02, 2008 11:13 PM GMT
    Whether or not you're shallow in this situation is somewhat immaterial. Ultimately you have to weigh the fitness aspect with the myriad other factors that might make you want or not want to date this guy. If the ONLY con is that he's a lardass and that causes you to not pursue a relationship with him, that's all you and your call. He may not like it, your friends may not like it, random RJ people may take offense to it, but that's life. Your life in fact, where you make the decisions in building your happiness.

    Better an early end than 6 months later you're boning some guy from the gym because he's got nice glutes and your now-bf has jiggly jell-o butt!

    Yet, as others have pointed out, if the other pros outweigh that unfit con, you never know what might develop. He might see you in your fitness and take to it. It's a risk - that unknown in every romantic interaction - you have to take or not.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 03, 2008 12:09 AM GMT
    Are you shallow for wanting a man who has pride in his appearance and puts effort into being as healthy as he possibly can be?

    Absolutely not...
    You're not looking for a 24 year old buff boy
    ... you're looking for a man who mirrors your view on living
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    Jun 03, 2008 12:29 AM GMT
    My question for you is...
    Are you only interested in a person who outside is tone and tight?
    Or would you consider that maybe someone might have more to offer?
    The person on the inside just might win you over and once you are together, who says your habits of working out will not rub off on him?
    Or think about how hot it could be to work out together, but make sure he brings up working out first..
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    Jun 03, 2008 12:33 AM GMT
    You have every good reason to express intimacy only with someone who shares your personal interests - including health/fitness/diet. There is nothing shallow about that whatsoever.

    If you will not give the time of day to someone who isn't in shape like you... that is shallow. But you already kissed this guy... LOL

    Don't worry about it. Don't expect to change him either.

    PM8
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Jun 03, 2008 1:14 AM GMT
    There are at least three different parts to this discussion:

    1) Physical fitness as an interest/hobby of yours. Presumably you spend some amount of your time and money on this. In this case, imagine if you spent a similar amount of time and money on some other hobby--you were in a band with friends, or you really liked going to movies--that he didn't want to participate in. If you would feel OK not being interested in him because of that lack of a shared interest, why should fitness be something different?

    2) Ambiguity about what you mean by fitness. As has been mentioned, there's a difference between fit and hot. If by out of shape you mean he gets winded walking up a flight of stairs, that's very different than if you mean that he's 5 pounds heavier than his ideal weight. Similarly, not eating right could mean that he never voluntarily consumes vegetables except when they're already on his hamburger, or it could mean that he (*gasp*) eats cheese. If your concern is that his dietary and exercise habits mean he is or will shortly be in poor health, then a lack of interest because of that isn't shallow. It might be judgmental, but sometimes it's good to be judgmental.

    3) Physical attraction. Let's face it, physical attraction clearly means something to us. If it didn't, how many of us would have even come out of the closet, given how many more straight women are available for dating than gay men? Of the three options discussed here, this one has the greatest probability of shading into shallow...but even here, it's not guaranteed. A lot of that depends on the standards you're holding him to, and also partially on how you measure up to those standards yourself. If you're insisting that he be more physically attractive than you are, that's quite likely to be shallow. If he's a bear and you're interested in twinks, or whatever, that's less likely to be shallow--you have a type, and he's not it. A good thought experiment for judging this is to go into some public locations with a good cross slice of guys in your age range. Figure out what percentage of them you think are physically attractive enough to you for there to be a chance there. If you find it's a very small percentage, you might want to rethink your requirements.

    Fundamentally, the only one who can truly judge whether this is an issue of you being shallow--and, more important, whether it's a justified version of shallow or not--is you. The fact that you gave it a couple of dates and it just didn't happen is a mark in your favor, as clearly you didn't just dismiss him right out of hand. But like a few others have said, if you're not attracted to him a few dates into it, particularly given you've already kissed him, then you're not doing anyone any favors by continuing to date him.
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    Jun 03, 2008 1:23 AM GMT
    If you make the time to hit the gym and take care of yourself, then so should he! These are my personal rules and criteria. I wouldn't want to be with someone who watches TV all day and indulges in bad stuff like beer and junk food. Besides, I would want someone who is dedicated to taking care of himself while enjoying each others' intimate time in many ways physically.

    So, no, you're not being shallow. You have your standards!
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    Jun 03, 2008 2:00 AM GMT
    As a person who had to battle bad genetics to lose 100lbs, I refuse to date anyone who doesn't take care of themselves. If it weren't for my willpower, I'd be as unhealthy as the rest of my family (I lost my father to heart disease several years ago).

    You're not being shallow, just realistic in terms of lifestyle match.
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    Jun 03, 2008 2:28 AM GMT
    I don't think you're shallow at all. Stick to your standards for health and diet - and other important factors of life. You can't help it if you're not attracted to any guy who won't keep himself in shape or eat right. It is so hard (if not impossible) to stay with someone like that - I know, I tried it once. Stick to your principles and demand that anyone you date have similar qualities!
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    Jun 03, 2008 2:46 AM GMT
    Well, it's great you already went on a few dates with him.....it's good you are at least giving it a try.

    I don't think it is shallow to have likes and dislikes about body types. You are being honest and normal....a refreshing change from the cliches and PC philosophy.

    A few years ago, I asked myself the same questions....So I decided to date guys based soley on their personalities. I met lots of guys and we shared laughs and joking and fun and great stuff together.

    I went on a number of repeat dates.......but I realized none of these guys made my dick hard. Maybe I was impatient and didn't give things a chance to develop....Sometimes I thought maybe...eventually, the personality thing would ignite the horniness spark but somehow it didn't happen.

    And then there was an unfair imbalance for both of us. He would be all turned on and ready to go and I wasn't.

    Then i thought about all the millions of couples who love each other for many many years even after the spark is over.

    So who knows?

    My conclusion is that you gotta start being physically turned on with a guy....Something. Anything sexy....whatever gets your gonads going.

    And the package has to be completed with all those great loving things that make having a partner so good.

    So, your testosterone and dick function initially to get you to someone.........but what happens months or years from now depends on much more.

    good question