Not ready for a serious relationship but keeps texting?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 18, 2011 9:16 AM GMT
    I met with this guy online.I haven't been in a relationship before and he is 10 years older than me. Good looking guy with a good job.

    He saw my pic of me playing an instrument so he said he wants to hear I play it. We met the day after we talked to each other online and we both like each other and had dinner together and stuff. After the first 'date' he keeps texting me,asking me about what I am doing and even what I eat for lunch/dinner etc. He said he thinks I am cute and likes me a lot and I feel the same way about him. He proposed to bring his work to my place to work with me and insinuated that he wanted to stay the night, and I let him do so.

    After one week or so of texting/calling passionately back and forth with sleeping over two times, he suddenly texted me saying that he felt that things were going too fast and he got scared. He explained that he's been hurt so much and his ex makes him hesitant in terms of relationship. He said when he received my texts or calls he would be very excited and he hasn't felt this way since he broke up with his ex. He wanted to focus on friendship for now. Although I really have feelings for this guy, I had to agree that things were going a bit too fast for me too but the way he said it just makes me feel like I am the one who want him more and who wants him to sleep over and ruin the friendship. But anyways i said ok.I can take this. I don't want to carp about triviality like this. He keeps texting me about his feelings and work stress.(he was working on a difficult case and he texted me saying he wanted to cry...) I was unhappy but I did keep talking to him and try to say something nice to him. I reasoned with myself that I didn't know him that well to actually love him but if the guy is great we can just be friends and there is nothing wrong with that.

    And then after that stressful weekend for him, he asked me to go to breakfast with him and texted me back afterwards saying that he made a wrong decision. He wanted to date me to see how it goes because he really likes me and thinks that i am a good person because i show I care for him...... He kept saying there is no guarantee that this will lead to relationship and stuff. Once again this sounds to me like I am the one who is trying desperately to pursue a relationship but I didn't try to argue with him about this. I agreed. He invited me to spend a night in his house.

    And then today he texted to me saying that he was confused about 'things between us' and said he doesn't want anything serious for now and doesn't want to hurt me and stuff. But at the same time he said I have many things that he looks for in a person and he really likes me. I was really really upset about this...but he keeps texting me afterwards telling what he did during the day and asked me what I was doing.....

    Maybe I should just cut him off once for all? but I do have feelings for him....I did learn a lesson: being too sincere can hurt yourself. I am just sad and don't know what to do. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
    BTW excuse me for my writing I am not a native speaker :p
  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Nov 18, 2011 10:14 AM GMT
    sounds like he likes you a lot but isn't into the idea of a relationship right now. You might get played but you might not. If you really like him keep seeing him but try and be casual with him.
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    Nov 18, 2011 1:34 PM GMT
    Sounds to me like he is preparing you into a 'friends with benefits'-deal. He is ten years older than you, so he should have his shit together by now. Everybody has been hurt in some way. Don't allow him to play you, unless that is what you want.

    Just be upfront with him and tell him this isn't working for you and you want to see some changes and some form of commitment.

    Nobody likes these hot-cold games. If I feel like I have to chase some guy, I would drop it in an instant. I am mature enough and I don't like playing games.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Nov 18, 2011 1:55 PM GMT
    I think he has not allowed enough time from his previous break-up to have his mental and emotional state back together yet. If you're willing to keep it on a friendship level until he does, then I think you'll do fine. :-)
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    Nov 18, 2011 1:55 PM GMT
    First of all, dont let someone elses actions, insecurities, confusions hurt you. In this situation he is the one who is wrong and you have done nothing but be nice and open about yourself and feelings.

    This guy is a clear case of someone older who is afraid to commit to someone younger because history shows, that the young most of the time leaves the older in the end.

    If its not that, maybe he is seeing other people that you dont know about and he is playing the field.

    Also, maybe he is just a bit fucked up in the head and cannot make the correct decision for his personal life.

    Its up to you if you want to put up with him and his problems or you want to just be friends and let him be.

    either way, good luck. Ive been in the same situation so understand

    F
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Nov 18, 2011 2:13 PM GMT
    This dude is playing games. Dump him and move on
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    Nov 18, 2011 2:16 PM GMT
    lol, waffles are tasty, but in my experience dating them was frustrating.

    You gave him something wonderful; an interested man that doesn't blow hot and cold. That hasn't been reciprocated. icon_wink.gif


    -Doug
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    Nov 18, 2011 2:28 PM GMT
    Just be friends with benefits. Gays are so quick to give up on guys for the slightest thing or 'fear of being played." Just get to know each other and have some great sex along the way. Straight guys do this with girls all the time and many wind up finding their wives that way. Half of mine friends and most of my coworkers have done it that way.

    He said things were going too fast, and they are. Dating doesn't instantly become a commitment which is what the "too fast" really means. Take some breaks between the texting, the sleepovers etc. Just get to know each other without having to be exclusive. Be friends. And when you're horny, you'll have a guaranteed lay. Meet other guys and make other friends too. Out of those friendships or your friendship with this guy, one of them is bound to be a little more.
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    Nov 18, 2011 2:49 PM GMT
    He is still not over his previous relationship. I have been there and sounds like he is confused about his feelings for you. Take a step now and see what is the best thing for you and let him know your thoughts. So far it seem you haven't conveyed your feelings to him, its time you do that.
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    Nov 18, 2011 3:13 PM GMT
    Have you ever heard of emotional vampires? The latch on, and suck, and suck, and suck all your energy. It doesn't matter how nice they are. Even vampire bats are warm blooded fuzzy mammals but that doesn't mean you want to cuddle with one ;)

    There is a huge spectrum of successful relationships, from platonic friendships, to loving friendships, friends with benefits, and romantic, sexual, intimate relationships. All of these work when both people are giving back more than they take.
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    Nov 18, 2011 3:22 PM GMT
    He's playing you like a fiddle.
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    Nov 18, 2011 3:39 PM GMT
    Lux_ saidSounds to me like he is preparing you into a 'friends with benefits'-deal. He is ten years older than you, so he should have his shit together by now. Everybody has been hurt in some way. Don't allow him to play you, unless that is what you want.

    Just be upfront with him and tell him this isn't working for you and you want to see some changes and some form of commitment.

    Nobody likes these hot-cold games. If I feel like I have to chase some guy, I would drop it in an instant. I am mature enough and I don't like playing games.


    ^This

    I do this when I sense that the guy is slipping away. This is how it works:

    Me: "Hey lets have dinner. Would be good to spend more time with you."

    Him: "Ok"

    After dinner and poundtown.....

    Me: "That was good. Sucks I have to go since I have to wake up early for work tomorrow"

    Him: "But tomorrow is Sunday, I thought you work at a bank, aren't they closed sundays?"

    Me: "oh hahahha.... uh hmmm... good catch... i have to work from home"

    Him: *suspicious look* "okay"

    Me: "K, bye"

    20 Minutes later as I drive to a bar to party it up....

    Me: *text* "It was really good seeing you tonight. Wish we could've spent more time together. have a goodnight. talk to you later."

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 18, 2011 3:58 PM GMT
    Child he did that...you got used!
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    Nov 18, 2011 4:24 PM GMT
    These are the situations where I give blunt responses. This isn't me being a jerk, it's verbatim what I told my friends in a very similar situation.

    He's playing you! From the sound of it, he's a decent manipulator. Take it from someone that lived with a manipulative person for years, they will say/do anything they can to make you do whatever is on their agenda. Ditch him now!

    Secondly, if you've only known him a week or two how do you know you have "feelings" for him. Nobody can know that quickly. You may be enjoying the time you spend together and hoping to spend more time together, but it is way too soon to already have feelings for him. It sounds like you're looking for someone to make you whole, but a relationship is a lot of work. You should be a solid, sound, and complete person before entering into a relationship. Your partner should not be the reason you feel whole, rather they should complement you and make you feel even more satisfied in life after you're already happy with who you are!

    My advice for what it's worth. Ditch the guy and focus on you.
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    Nov 18, 2011 5:47 PM GMT
    It seems like besides that last bump in the road you guys were heading for a pretty good friendship. At least stay friends with him, it seemed that you liked his company, plus you guys broke it off early so you have less damage to your friendship.

    I would work to be friends with him, he seems like he just isn't ready for a relationship, that doesn't mean he won't be ready.
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    Nov 18, 2011 5:50 PM GMT
    I've texted him about my feelings.I said I clearly felt more than just friend about him and I couldn't keep hanging out with him without thinking about other stuffs. It's unfair for me. I said I would hang out with him again when he is ready for dating. But he said he wanted to hang out anyway without sleeping together to see how it goes and then he continues to text me.

    Now I decided to only reply to his messages in a polite but nonchalant way and will not initiate any conversations with him.

    You guys are wonderful! After seeing all your replies I am feeling better now.icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 18, 2011 6:04 PM GMT
    nervos saidI've texted him about my feelings.I said I clearly felt more than just friend about him and I couldn't keep hanging out with him without thinking about other stuffs. It's unfair for me. I said I would hang out with him again when he is ready for dating. But he said he wanted to hang out anyway without sleeping together to see how it goes and then he continues to text me.

    Now I decided to only reply to his messages in a polite but nonchalant way and will not initiate any conversations with him.

    You guys are wonderful! After seeing all your replies I am feeling better now.icon_wink.gif


    You made the right decision of not being fixated on ONE guy who doesn't reciprocate your feelings towards him. You are young and there will be lots of opportunities to meet the kind of guy you want in the future.
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    Nov 18, 2011 6:15 PM GMT
    He's an emotional basket case and a confused black hole. He will suck you into his misery, loneliness and self-doubt. period.
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    Nov 25, 2011 5:12 PM GMT
    I personally don't think he is playing you...I think he is just thinking about himself and you. He doesn't want to get hurt again and he doesnt want you to get hurt. I have a somewhat similar situation. I met this older guy online (not 10 yrs only 7) and we have been texting for a long time. Nothing has ever gone down we have actually never met :p but we text a lot and its hard for me not to like him. He tells me he isnt ready for a real relationship because I am too young right now and he doesnt want to get hurt again and at first it was hard to accept this but its gotten a lot better over time. I think you should just give it some time. Let your feelings (if theyre there) grow towards him and im sure the same will happen from him to you. if you guys maintain a good friendship...when the time comes for maybe a relationship I think it will be a lot healthier and you both will be a lot happier. Thats what im doing. its hard because like u ive never been in a relationship but u just need some patience because im sure a guy 10 more years mature is not just using you...I would think he would have a bigger heart than that. but who knows

    stick with it if you like this guy and im sure everything will turn out for the best.
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    Nov 25, 2011 5:17 PM GMT
    Oh my God this sounds like a disaster waiting in the wings. Tell him you don't want to be in a relationship because he’s bi-polar. LMAO JKJK!!!

    Since he said he’s not ready don’t pursue anything. Let him come to you. And when he does, make him eat shit before you proceed with anything.

    Domestication of a partner is a hard task, but if done properly you will find a loyal and caring companion. I suggest you use a fully-grown-human sized Skinner Box. Worked wonders with my last ex. Haha!

    Best of luck. icon_smile.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Nov 25, 2011 6:05 PM GMT
    Geez I got dizzy just reading the original post

    This dude doesn't know What the he'll he wants ..... And tell him that
    Tell him the net time that you see him that you like him and say if you want that you would be interested in a relationship but that he'll have to make up his mind ......

    This going back and forth is for the birds
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    Nov 26, 2011 8:20 AM GMT
    likewatuc saidOh my God this sounds like a disaster waiting in the wings. Tell him you don't want to be in a relationship because he’s bi-polar. LMAO JKJK!!!

    Since he said he’s not ready don’t pursue anything. Let him come to you. And when he does, make him eat shit before you proceed with anything.

    Domestication of a partner is a hard task, but if done properly you will find a loyal and caring companion. I suggest you use a fully-grown-human sized Skinner Box. Worked wonders with my last ex. Haha!

    Best of luck. icon_smile.gif



    “make him eat shit" that is a harsh lesson lol
    Skinner box...I am suppressing my innate desire to apply what I learned to real situations now : )
    Thanks. I stop pursuing because it is just no fun.
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    Nov 26, 2011 8:31 AM GMT
    hockeyplayer5 saidI personally don't think he is playing you...I think he is just thinking about himself and you. He doesn't want to get hurt again and he doesnt want you to get hurt. I have a somewhat similar situation. I met this older guy online (not 10 yrs only 7) and we have been texting for a long time. Nothing has ever gone down we have actually never met :p but we text a lot and its hard for me not to like him. He tells me he isnt ready for a real relationship because I am too young right now and he doesnt want to get hurt again and at first it was hard to accept this but its gotten a lot better over time. I think you should just give it some time. Let your feelings (if theyre there) grow towards him and im sure the same will happen from him to you. if you guys maintain a good friendship...when the time comes for maybe a relationship I think it will be a lot healthier and you both will be a lot happier. Thats what im doing. its hard because like u ive never been in a relationship but u just need some patience because im sure a guy 10 more years mature is not just using you...I would think he would have a bigger heart than that. but who knows

    stick with it if you like this guy and im sure everything will turn out for the best.

    Thanks for the reply! The thing is...I am a bit scared of him and his unexpected responses now. The boundary between toying with my emotions and 'being careful not to get hurt" seems ambiguous to me for now .
    Now I start to wrap up my feelings for him and try to observe and learn from his behavior : )
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 26, 2011 8:33 AM GMT
    Trollileo saidWhat do you play?

    Is this question for me? If it is, I am not sure what you are asking... icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 26, 2011 8:44 AM GMT
    @nervos !

    i friend posted something great on FB the other day icon_smile.gif

    " if he keeps texting its because you keep answering"

    if you told what you want/are expecting and he cant/doesnt want to meet those needs but continues to play around - id do yourself a favor and move on!! icon_biggrin.gif