A story I've never told anybody

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2011 1:29 AM GMT
    Hey all
    I came across this site long ago but did not sign up until today. In this first post, I just want to share a little story of my life.
    I was born in a very conservative family where no one has a vivid understanding of sexual orientation. I felt as if prior to my birth, my life had been determined by culture structures and family demands. Cultural structures conventionally expect me to have a prestigious education, succeed in my chosen career, find a dutiful Asian wife and have lovely children. My family demands for me, as the eldest child, are even more complicated. My parents always expect me to serve as heterosexual role model for my younger brother and have the first child at the age of 25 to foster the next generation.Trying to live up to every expectation, I have never complained and never allowed myself to feel miserable.
    For years, I thought of being attracted to men as a curable disease; therefore I submerged myself in Buddhism to suppress my desires, break down my form into pieces and hope that I would be heterosexually reborn. At some point, I became fatigued and realized that the process did not help me seek redemption but created a series of horrendous illusions.
    I left my country 3.5 years ago and currently a senior college student in Boston. I’ve soaked myself into school and work to temporarily forget my duties and live a life of free wings.
    A year ago I met a man at the alumni meeting in my school. He is a white American, a very successful man in his early 30’s and his personalities made a lasting impression on me. Even though I was aware of my overwhelming feeling toward him, I rejected to give us a chance of love no matter how patient he was in breaking a wall between his love and my insecurity about my sexuality. I was afraid of being in relationship with a man for the first time, of hurting him due to my inability of coming out and of leaving him to go back home when I finish school.
    Boston is today colder and I suddenly found an infinite cold in my heart as walking home from school and thinking about him. Last night, I heard from my friend that he is currently in relationship with someone. After a long moment of loosing sanity, I reassembled my feelings. Half of me was happy because he is now happy and the other half of me was hurtfully collapsed. Now I understand that I never appreciate what I had yesterday until it is gone today.
    Last night I also wanted to confess my feeling for him but I came to realize that the feeling only matters to me now and no longer matters to him. And when I thought of his partner, I thought of myself being a selfish person if I would do so. Although I have made my decision to keep silent and let him go, I would appreciate your thoughts on my situation.
    I am sorry if my writing is rambling and sounds unnatural (I’ve started learning English only 6 months before officially attending my university). This is a story of my life that I have never told anybody. It’s difficult to keep it inside for all the years and I just need someone to share with.
    All the best
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2011 2:29 AM GMT
    In my view, you did the right thing by not interjecting yourself into your Alumni man's life and relationship with his partner.

    Your comment about no knowing what you have until it is gone is a profound and deep lesson.

    Now that you have an awareness of who and what you may be, leverage the lesson and consider a period of therapy with a psychologist. A trained professional may be able to guide you as you seek for yourself the path forward which will allow you to live with yourself in peace.

    Aloha and Be Well!

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    Nov 19, 2011 3:38 AM GMT
    Hey, It's good that you have accepted your feelings towards men because I have seen and learned that the more you try to avoid/hide these feelings, the worse it gets. That's why so many married guys, who have slight hidden interest in men before their marriage, cheats with another man to fulfill those curiosities and urges that they have been building up throughout the years and bottling up for so long. In the end, divorce is bound to happen. That's why I would advise you to not get married at 25 or have kids like your parents expect you to do so if your true feelings have not been sorted out first.

    As for the guy who you are interested in now, you made the right choice of not telling him your feelings while he's already in relationship. Just do it when he's out of his recent relationship. Move on and stop kicking yourself for rejecting him.
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    Nov 19, 2011 3:41 AM GMT
    Are you even real? Your english is much better than I would expect.. better than that of most native speakers icon_eek.gif
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    Nov 19, 2011 5:32 AM GMT
    GreenHopper saidAre you even real? Your english is much better than I would expect.. better than that of most native speakers icon_eek.gif

    Haha.. I was thinking the same thing. He only started learning english six months before attending university. Wow! He must be a polyglot.

    On a serious note, though. I feel for you because I also came from a very conservative, religious family, but being a Westerner, with our individualism, I was okay with saying to hell with everone and living my own life. Coming from a collectivist culture, I can't even imagine the guilt and pain you must be in.

    I wish you the best and hope you can create your own path in life, one that will give you freedom and the ability to still help your family.