Any advice about coming out...

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    Nov 20, 2011 1:29 AM GMT
    I have been thinking about coming out to my parents. I am beyond scared about telling them that their only child is gay. I have been thinking about it for a long time but can't make myself break their hearts. They are all I have and I can't imagine my life without them, but living with this secret is getting to me. I would like to be able to be me without trying to hide it from my family.

    I have told my best friend from high, best friend from college, and an ex-girlfriend. All three have been accepting and supportive my ex thinks I chose to like guys but said she kind of knew when we dated. My best friend from college told me the other day something that meant more to me than anything, it made me cry. He said...."so just know that I will always be open to it and you can tell me anything…you’re a good guy and friend that’s why I know you will find someone who suits you…you deserve it…it will happen…"

    Now if only I thought my parents would be the same, then things would be so much better.

    Sorry I can be wordy at times, when trying to make a point

    I am really wondering if there was any advice you guys could give me on how to tell my parents? How to deal with it afterward? Good and bad.
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    Nov 20, 2011 1:35 AM GMT
    Don't
  • disasterpiece

    Posts: 2991

    Nov 20, 2011 2:09 AM GMT
    I didn't read the whole thing, 'cause I'm tipsy, but here's what I have to say.

    1) Make sure the timing is good (they're relax, happy and everything)

    2) Remind them that you are not "TURNING" gay, you "ARE" gay. Hence, you're not gonna transform into a drag-queen in the next three weeks, you're gonna stay the same son they always loved, and probably be even more happy with life and all.

    3) Whatever their reaction is (good or bad), give'em time. My mother hugged me when I told her, she told me she loved me and would love always do, and that she was alright with it, yada, yada... But two weeks later, she admitted that it was a some kind of a hard hit, but she had to think a lot about it, researched on the web for websites about dealing with a kid who just came out (made here homework, basically), and she came in peace with the idea.

    They won't be all happy gummy bears, their only son is coming out, it will be a shock. Don't expect that it will be the best day of your life right away. It WILL be the best day of your life, but only in a cupple of months, when they're over it and they still love you, and you're happy more than ever before.

    They. Need. Time. Respect that.

    Good luck icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 20, 2011 2:36 AM GMT
    tryintofindme saidI have been thinking about coming out to my parents. I am beyond scared about telling them that their only child is gay.


    Do you believe they will react badly? If so, why?
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    Nov 20, 2011 2:42 AM GMT
    PowerFade said
    tryintofindme saidI have been thinking about coming out to my parents. I am beyond scared about telling them that their only child is gay.


    Do you believe they will react badly? If so, why?


    I don't know if they will react badly, but they make gay slurs a lot plus they really want to be grandparents. That is why I think they will take it bad. If you told yours how did they take it?
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    Nov 20, 2011 2:46 AM GMT
    tryintofindme said
    PowerFade said
    tryintofindme saidI have been thinking about coming out to my parents. I am beyond scared about telling them that their only child is gay.


    Do you believe they will react badly? If so, why?


    I don't know if they will react badly, but they make gay slurs a lot plus they really want to be grandparents. That is why I think they will take it bad. If you told yours how did they take it?


    They can still be grandparents unless you hate kids? You can still have a kid. It will just be a little pricey since adoption or surrogacy is more expensive.

    I'd be like mom and dad you can still have grand kids, but you are going to have to kick in 25,000 so start saving :=) just kidding haha.

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    Nov 20, 2011 2:50 AM GMT
    Jmoney5678 said
    tryintofindme said
    PowerFade said
    tryintofindme saidI have been thinking about coming out to my parents. I am beyond scared about telling them that their only child is gay.


    Do you believe they will react badly? If so, why?


    I don't know if they will react badly, but they make gay slurs a lot plus they really want to be grandparents. That is why I think they will take it bad. If you told yours how did they take it?


    They can still be grandparents unless you hate kids? You can still have a kid. It will just be a little pricey since adoption or surrogacy is more expensive.

    I'd be like mom and dad you can still have grand kids, but you are going to have to kick in 25,000 so start saving :=) just kidding haha.


    haha thanks! I love kids and want to be a dad. I know it will be expensive tho
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    Nov 20, 2011 2:52 AM GMT
    I have a video on my profile about my personal coming out story and a little advice toward the end of the video.

    As for kids...kids are awful creatures until they are 18 when they are shipped off to college icon_razz.gif I know, I am one icon_twisted.gif

    Kids=expensive.
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    Nov 20, 2011 2:53 AM GMT
    If they were smart, they'd have had two children to have better odds art avoiding such a drastic disappointment.


    I'm kidding, of course. I think they will be more proud of you for coming clean and owning your sexuality to ensure that you can live a happy and fulfilling life!
    If they have any mental handicaps such as religion or bigotry to paint a negative image of their son after coming out - then that is their problem to deal with.

    It may take them some time to come to terms, but everyone goes through this: how long did it take you to become comfortable? It will be for the better.
  • johndubuque

    Posts: 319

    Nov 20, 2011 2:54 AM GMT
    Parents can be more resilient than they seem, and I wouldn't let your desire not to break their hearts control what you do. My mom's a conservative Catholic and I was out to about everyone but her, then it turned out she knew anyway and is fine with it.
    I'd be patient with them. You've had time to accept being gay, so tell them and give them time to accept it.
  • matt13226

    Posts: 829

    Nov 20, 2011 3:04 AM GMT
    just be honest and truthful and dont worry at least you will have us here on realjock for support if anything goes wrong
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    Nov 20, 2011 3:48 AM GMT
    break their hearts?


    that is really the wrong mindset to have when approaching the situation. . .


    indeed, your lowbrow parents should be singing hosannas to the gay gods that they were given the privilege of bringing you into the world . . .any lesser response is unacceptable . . .

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2011 3:49 AM GMT
    I'm in a similar situation, but I've not stressing out about it anymore. If you are having seconds thoughts then just wait. One day you will just wake up and be ready to do it. Good luck man.
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    Nov 20, 2011 6:27 AM GMT


    I am really wondering if there was any advice you guys could give me on how to tell my parents? How to deal with it afterward? Good and bad. [/quote]


    Do you still live at home? It'll probably be easier if you live on your own. for me, I made sure I had a bottle of wine in me. It helped relax me. I called my mom up and told her to go somewhere private to talk. My voice was trembling when I was telling her all this. after I told her she was relieved, she thought I was going to say I was dying. I was crying of course. she said, "well, I'm a bitch, your sisters are bitches, your brother is a dick, and your dad is an idiot...so, you're the normal one." it was funny. But it felt great to finally tell my family. They would also use gay slurs all the time, but so would I. We all like to joke a lot and I don't take offense to it. I'm not sensitive about stuff like that. Even after coming out they still make gay jokes, but it doesn't bother me.
    well I hope my story helps out a little

    Good luck Duder!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2011 6:34 AM GMT
    heres the thing.. theyre your parents.. not your lover...

    and if they have a problem with who you simply identify with its their problem not yours. you have your life to live icon_smile.gif live it well icon_smile.gif
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Nov 20, 2011 6:43 AM GMT
    Being an only child, your parents surely think the world of you. They will love you no matter what. Realize that no parent wants to hear something like their child is gay, but it's not the worst news a parent could get. Chances are that your parents may already suspect it. They say "Mom's always know". Regardless, don't rush things. Make sure YOU are emotionally ready to take this step. Remember that there are no rules set in stone. The only thing that is truly important is that you come out on your terms...when YOU are ready. I'd bet money that when all is said and done you will ultimately feel closer to your parents than you ever did before. There is nothing like coming out to the parents to prove to you that parents love you unconditionally. Don't expect them to embrace this news overnight. Parents need time to process this kind of news. Remember that you have had years to come to terms with this, so give your parents some time and I would bet they will come around --- probably sooner rather than later.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Nov 20, 2011 1:03 PM GMT
    Make sure they know you love them.
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    Nov 20, 2011 1:06 PM GMT
    tryintofindme said
    Jmoney5678 said
    tryintofindme said
    PowerFade said
    tryintofindme saidI have been thinking about coming out to my parents. I am beyond scared about telling them that their only child is gay.


    Do you believe they will react badly? If so, why?


    I don't know if they will react badly, but they make gay slurs a lot plus they really want to be grandparents. That is why I think they will take it bad. If you told yours how did they take it?


    They can still be grandparents unless you hate kids? You can still have a kid. It will just be a little pricey since adoption or surrogacy is more expensive.

    I'd be like mom and dad you can still have grand kids, but you are going to have to kick in 25,000 so start saving :=) just kidding haha.


    haha thanks! I love kids and want to be a dad. I know it will be expensive tho


    I remember when I came out to my parents. My dad already has suspects so I wasnt surprised but my mom... that was tough. She wants to be a grandmother and just thinks her way of what she thinks is best for my life will be the best way to get to all the things I want in my life. It's been 7 years since I came out. I've introduced the two boyfriends I've had since that time to them and made it apparent that when I think about what traits I want in a partner I make sure it's something I'd be okay with "bringing home to momma". We caught my dad cheating on her and then he started beating her again and I threw his ass in jail for it. I have been trying to be their for her emotionally and tried to talk to her about infedalitiy in relationships. I became very open with her about things I went through with relationships and explained to that this happens in my world too. She realized that she was wrong in all her assumptions of me and the lifestyle I lead.

    I tell you this for a reason. I don't want to tell you what you should do. Each situation has to be looked at. I have my brother if all else fails. I never really felt all that close to my family growing up... lots of family problems... in ways I'd call it a semi broken home. I don't like holidays because they never go right... at least in my experinces. My closest friends whom are few and far between and live thousndas of miles away from me are more my family than my actual family. Sounds to me like you had all that I wished / want to have in this next chapter of my life with my partner. I would say keep it to yourself for now. I remember how much I hated feeling so skitzo, living two lives trying to be straight but really knowing I was gay. If I was in your shoes, I'd be sure I could stand on my own two feet before I said anything. I'd be sure I had somewhere to turn to and where to stand. I didn't have that and I got very lucky that it worked out but like I said.. I was a lucky one. I'll keep your in my prayers that you can descern this and come to the decision that is best for you.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Nov 20, 2011 1:10 PM GMT
    tryintofindme said
    PowerFade said
    tryintofindme saidI have been thinking about coming out to my parents. I am beyond scared about telling them that their only child is gay.


    Do you believe they will react badly? If so, why?


    I don't know if they will react badly, but they make gay slurs a lot plus they really want to be grandparents. That is why I think they will take it bad. If you told yours how did they take it?


    Great Question...and so few answers. icon_wink.gif
  • ivanhoevtron

    Posts: 10

    Nov 20, 2011 1:53 PM GMT
    Ive personally come to find that i am gay few years back and ive never generally had the courage to come out and say that im gay to anyone around me.My father is extremely strict plus my brother is quite straight aswell .Iff i was to come out the only people around me that i may be comfortable to tell would be my sister or my mum although i wouldnt be sure on how they would react.It can be really hard to open up iff your not sure how the people around would accept it..Best of luck with opening up to them
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Nov 20, 2011 2:15 PM GMT
    don't do it in a gun store unless you have better reflexes
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Nov 20, 2011 2:20 PM GMT
    It is different for each person because each person's circumstances and family/friends are different. I will say this: If you have to actually depend on family for a place to live and financial support....then wait until you can be on your own. If this is not a problem for you, then go ahead warp factor 9. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2011 2:55 PM GMT
    malefeet saidIt is different for each person because each person's circumstances and family/friends are different. I will say this: If you have to actually depend on family for a place to live and financial support....then wait until you can be on your own. If this is not a problem for you, then go ahead warp factor 9. icon_wink.gif


    Is it bad that right now I read this and though of this..

    ludacris.jpg


    Spaceballs_(1987)_3.jpg


  • citypartyboy

    Posts: 187

    Nov 20, 2011 3:02 PM GMT
    just take them out to dinner, and say, "can someone pass the salsa to the homosexual."



    icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2011 3:03 PM GMT
    told my sister and she hasnt spoken to yet for 3 months now (well she's mad at me for some other reason too)

    im telling my parents when im all settled. i wont be able to deal with it when im still under their roof. it takes time. dont force it otherwise it might back fire!