Thanks all for the comments and ur kind encourangements. I don't really have anyone in my life right now to turn to that is appropriate and I found my way back to this site.
Interesting how sometimes coincidences do happen in such a way to make us take notice. A movie came on TV and I watched it as I was reading the replies to my post; Rocky Balboa (2006). I have never watched it before because I just couldn't swallow another Rocky comeback at age 50 and I figured it was a waste. And then I saw the scene of him talking with his son:
“The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! …..But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life.”
...actually the most intelligent and longest continous string of words ever spoken by Rocky...something I couldn't ignore considering everything.
I have always been a fighter all my life, but it has always been such a coaster ride. When it has been good, it was great; but when it has been bad, it was real bad...multiple things always go bad at once, just not a few things. I guess I'm an all or nothing type of guy and it seems circumstances in my life are the same way.
As some of you said....I am starting a new chapter in life....for some reason this one seems so hard because for once....the adjenda is all in my hands; something that scares the hell out of me. Yeah, I am a fighter and not happy when there isn't a fight envolved, just don't know what the battle is anymore.
I have had a very full and sucessful life....I am ashamed
that I feel so empty right now....IDK, just something, everything is missing. I don't know what makes me happy or what I want. I have been married multiple times, 3 grown kids, and have had multiple female and male lovers. But I feel my life has no meaning and that I haven't accomplished anything important other than being a cog in a corrupt selfish society. Yeah I have done volunteer work...just not enough...I wanted to really change the world and pissed that I couldn't and haven't. I tried, but that not good enough for me.
Long time ago, I accepted my sexuality and know what I am; bi. But I lean toward the gay side a little more than str8. I just wished I was 100%, gay, in some ways I think that would make it easier. I'm not sure how to be openly bi...only few of my lovers knew (female and male both). But never out to anyone other than lovers. I fell deeply in love with one guy and we had a very close connected relationship, but both of us had to keep it hidden. He died and it was something I just had to keep to myself. Both he and I were political figures and we just couldn't be open....too many people would have been hurt, Yeah...needs of the many...really did outweigh the needs of the few or the one.
Oh hell...I could write a juicy novel or movie script you wouldn't believe about my life. Maybe that's my problem, I have lived life so full....I already lived it all?
Why am I at RJ some asked? I had been a bodybuilder for about 15 years and I quit about 5 years ago....IDK why....but it's something that is missing in my life...something that was me. But very discouraged because I let myself go and don't know how I can ever see 3% bodyfat at 220 lbs ever again.
Thanks again...I going to stick around the site for a bit...I need you guys.
LOL...no I am not Arnold.
But I know Arnold...well