Relationships: What you know now and why we end up (or don't) with a certain person


  • Nov 20, 2011 4:39 PM GMT
    So I got back into the 'why is nothing happening' holiday lack-of-a-relationship mode just in time to go over everything that sucks about life, and I read a book that really spoke to me about how gay men find relationships, how it's so easy for us to repeat the same mistakes without learning much (because it's so much more likely that we will have long gaps between relationships, thus losing out on developing social/dating skills) and there goes another three month relationship. I always knew, but I never realized how much shit we walk around with. Even though its easier to be gay, 'it's getting better', and there are so many ways to meet, none of that changes what we grew up believing, or what the first boyfriends we met grew up believing. Now their baggage is ours. No wonder our drug/alcohol addiction is what it is. I had to stop going to clubs and gay events because I had seen it happen to other guys, and I was making sure I wouldn't fall into that trap (one of the reasons for working out).

    I did find it interesting that a lot of us (raising hand!) tend to seek out boyfriends that physically resemble that first, unrequited love, as some sort of attempt to correct what happened to us with a guy who had nothing to do with our lives or place we were at 10-15 years ago. The hard part is taking these pieces of information and applying them. Good to know I'm not crazy, but I do feel stuck. What's bizarre to me? I always felt I had nothing in common with other gay people and tended to stay out of any circle or seek out friends. Now I wonder if we do this not because we have nothing in common, but almost too much in common, and it freaks us out...

    It was an e-book; I'll look up the name later...have a good Sunday guys!

    Jon
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Nov 20, 2011 8:01 PM GMT
    I can't relate to the circumstances you stated, but I can understand them and have experienced tangential parallels.

    In summary: Introspection is good for the soul. It's amazing how so few people do it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2011 8:53 PM GMT
    You end up with a certain person because of your actions and choices.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2011 10:16 PM GMT
    GrowAPair saidYou end up with a certain person because of your actions and choices.

    +1
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2011 10:41 PM GMT
    Funny how you post this now.
    One of the guys I'm dating right now could be a doppelganger for a guy who I used to date and did some shady stuff to me. I almost didn't date this guy because of the resemblance.
    The guys are nothing alike, but it was just funny when I met the new guy thinking how he looks like an ex.

    I have no interest in reliving my past. I don't want to go back and fix the past relationship.
    The only issue this causes is that I'm afraid I'll call the guy I'm dating by the wrong name.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2011 10:56 PM GMT
    a lot of it depends on what everyone's "type" is....for instance,there are a lot of guys who pass someone up..simply because they don't look like their "type"...i have been guilty of this a lot..then i pay the price...if we narrow the field down too much...pretty soon the dating pool becomes smaller,thus your choice of partners is lower.thus,you end up with a partner you never expected to have.also...we guys have a tendency to go after what we can never have...and end up settling for someone else...sometimes to our happy surprise.