My sister came out to my mom today

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2011 11:46 PM GMT
    And I don't know! Although I came out to my mom like 16 years ago when I was 17, my mom still took the news pretty bad. I tried to tell my mom that everything is still the same, and that my sister is still her and nothing's really changed, but my mom is still having a hard time accepting the fact. She kept saying that it's bad that her one child is gay already and she cannot accept that both of her children are gay. I am so uncomfortable that I actually need to leave the living room, and my mom's been going on and on and, pretty much just upset for the whole day. I know that she needs time to come to grip with this (unexpected) news. She kept saying that all her hopes are gone and so. This experience actually brought out some of the more negative feelings in me as well, as to when I first came out to my mom.

    Any ideas what I can do to make this situation better? I kind of need some recommendations. Actually, even a mental hug would be helpful. Thanks guys!
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    Nov 20, 2011 11:49 PM GMT
    OMG...never seen this before. The parents must feel like they are failures.

    I don't know what to say but to just give you hugs and kisses. This is a very difficult situation for your family.
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    Nov 20, 2011 11:51 PM GMT
    You need to ask your (?future) partner to fertilize your sister's egg and have her carry the pregnancy. Problem solved for your mom--2 birds with 1 stone, or 2 gay children with 1 egg/grandchild, and you'll all be parents.icon_lol.gif

    Seriously, leave your mom alone for a while and let her grasp the facts without listening to her complaining about it.
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    Nov 20, 2011 11:55 PM GMT
    I have a gay sister, my roommate has a gay twin brother, another friend has a gay sister (they are the only two kids in family)... it's pretty common to run in families. It does sound weird, but it's really not. And then of course there are lots of other gay siblings out there who are not out.

    My mom took it hard, too. For a few days she thought she had done something wrong to raise two homos. Fortunately, my other sister is straight and has had two kids, so that took some pressure off. Still, family name most likely dies with me. Oh well.

    Give you mom some time, she'll come around. Perhaps one of you two will have a child. Reassure your mom there's nothing she could've done differently.
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    Nov 21, 2011 12:16 AM GMT
    First of all, a big hug. And congrats to your sister. How is she handling your moms reaction? Maybe she needs her big brother (?) right now?

    Don't let this affect you to much, there is nothing you need to be ashamed about. I don't know how Asian or Western your family's mindset is, but you are going to be a rather unorthodox family by any perspective. You come over as a great guy on here, so your mom must have done something right. If you don't know already, ask your mom what her hopes were? And if it's things like weddings and grand-kids, not all hope is lost.

    I also second the suggestion of giving your mom time to come to grips with this, but checking into PFLAG literature might help her, I'm sure there is new stuff out there since your own coming out 16 years ago.

    Big hug again.
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    Nov 21, 2011 12:20 AM GMT
    I would have taken myself out of the situation then come back to visit a few weeks later. Wouldn't want to listen to all the screaming and insults.
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    Nov 21, 2011 12:36 AM GMT
    What Q1 said...

    Tomorrow & on Turkeyday I'll be having dinner with a long-time family friend who had 3 hetero kids (okay, the daughter is bi but married to a guy), none of whom had kids of their own. Being of that generation of German Jew whose family mostly but not all escaped the Holocaust, progeny means a lot to her. She was best friends with my mom since they were young teens and I was fully aware of how my mom used to balance the sharing of her grandchildren so that her friend could enjoy that and share in my mother's joy, while being careful not to throw her grandchildren into her friend's face which could make her sad not to have her own.

    So if it is any help, from how you describe your mom's reaction, this doesn't sound like a gay issue but a generations issue. The situation could be made better by you being careful not to misdirect the issue which could aggravate the situation. Instead, give her time to get used to the idea that having just her children will just have to do.
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    Nov 21, 2011 12:55 AM GMT
    Thanks so much for your guys' support and love! I am sincerely appreciative for all your kind words and input (and recommendation). Right now I'm just trying to reaffirm my mom that she did nothing wrong and try to have her look at the future as it is good, as I am about to complete my PhD work and my (younger) sister is about to graduate dental school, and that the best years are ahead of her. I guess it was just the shock element, and as any normal parent, they would start to "blame* themselves and thinking that they did something wrong. She tends to overthink (just like me) and so I'm trying to get her attention away from the topic and have her focus on other stuff. I hope it works. I know eventually she'll need to come to realization with it. *sigh*

    Thanks again you guys! I am extremely grateful for all your kind words!
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    Nov 21, 2011 3:13 AM GMT
    q1w2e3 saidYou need to ask your (?future) partner to fertilize your sister's egg and have her carry the pregnancy. Problem solved for your mom--2 birds with 1 stone, or 2 gay children with 1 egg/grandchild, and you'll all be parents.icon_lol.gif

    Seriously, leave your mom alone for a while and let her grasp the facts without listening to her complaining about it.


    If there were a Nobel Prize for RJ posts.....
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    Nov 21, 2011 3:15 AM GMT
    surfrider28 saidOMG...never seen this before. The parents must feel like they are failures.

    I don't know what to say but to just give you hugs and kisses. This is a very difficult situation for your family.




    wait what?? parents are failures because their children are gay? check yourself.
  • TheIStrat

    Posts: 777

    Nov 21, 2011 3:22 AM GMT
    pat3rob said
    surfrider28 saidOMG...never seen this before. The parents must feel like they are failures.

    I don't know what to say but to just give you hugs and kisses. This is a very difficult situation for your family.




    wait what?? parents are failures because their children are gay? check yourself.



    It's very common for a parent to feel like they have failed if their child turns out to be LGBT
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    Nov 21, 2011 3:26 AM GMT
    TheIStrat said
    pat3rob said
    surfrider28 saidOMG...never seen this before. The parents must feel like they are failures.

    I don't know what to say but to just give you hugs and kisses. This is a very difficult situation for your family.




    wait what?? parents are failures because their children are gay? check yourself.



    It's very common for a parent to feel like they have failed if their child turns out to be LGBT


    We all know who the failures are when a situation like the forum poster described occurs. What scares me though is that people allow their families to treat it as a failure...even if only for the initial reaction.
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    Nov 21, 2011 3:28 AM GMT
    Cityaznguy said... and as any normal parent, they would start to "blame* themselves and thinking that they did something wrong.

    If you can't convince her otherwise and she absolutely needs someone to blame, tell her to blame your dad. He was a lousy father and screwed you up or you're screwed up because he wasn't there...
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Nov 21, 2011 4:04 AM GMT
    aawwwhhh, i am sorry to hear that your mother wasn't accepting of you and your sister. however, she just needs time. listen, it took you a while to come to terms with your sexuality. She will need time too. Here is a big ole hug from me
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    Nov 21, 2011 4:09 AM GMT
    Well just do what you did when YOU came out to your mom, give her time.

    Even though I kind of understand because I guess she wanted grandchildren and if you two are her only children I can see why she's even more upset. I'm sorry and I hope you, and most importantly your sister, the best. Hope it all goes well. icon_smile.gif
  • matt13226

    Posts: 829

    Nov 21, 2011 4:20 AM GMT
    *BIG HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG* i would just give you mom some time or possibly tell her what you are feeling and everything about how she is taking it maybe it is something you can work out by talking to her. Well anyways im always here if you need a friend or more bud -Matt
  • Syphon

    Posts: 366

    Nov 21, 2011 4:22 AM GMT
    I'm sure she'll get over it.

    My mom was pretty upset when my brother came out, but the second time around with me was a breeze.
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    Nov 21, 2011 5:16 AM GMT
    Wow, I had no idea that was coming. You're a good brother to be there for her. Hopefully your mom will get over herself soon.

    Hugs.
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    Nov 21, 2011 5:26 AM GMT
    Lots and LOTS of hugs!!!!!

    Try to remember this is your Mother's journey and it is her choice as to how bumpy she wants the ride to be.

    Do everything you can (like you always have) to be there and be supportive - but she must come to terms with HER life.

    Having two honest children who are open and unashamed to be who and what they are is great gift for any parent. I trust she will realize that in her own time.

    Hang in there!!!!
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    Nov 21, 2011 5:28 AM GMT
    ThePenIsMyTier said
    q1w2e3 saidYou need to ask your (?future) partner to fertilize your sister's egg and have her carry the pregnancy. Problem solved for your mom--2 birds with 1 stone, or 2 gay children with 1 egg/grandchild, and you'll all be parents.icon_lol.gif

    Seriously, leave your mom alone for a while and let her grasp the facts without listening to her complaining about it.


    If there were a Nobel Prize for RJ posts.....


    You mean the Ig-Nobel Prize, of course. The degrees of incest (not physically, of course, but maritally-speaking) and the poor confused kid would alone justify my prize. icon_lol.gif

    Actually, a much more inclusive arrangement would be to have cityaznguy's partner fertilize his sister's egg, and ask his sister's partner to carry it to term.

    For symmetry, cityaznguy should then fertilize his sister's partner, and have his sister carry it.

    Then they can all go to court to argue for custody. icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 21, 2011 5:39 AM GMT
    My older sister is gay. She's almost 15 years older than me, but she actually came out after I did. My parents' reactions and attitudes towards each of us are very different. She came out to them, but she's closeted as far as the rest of the world (friends, extended family, etc.) is concerned. I, on the other hand, go and do things like make a video for the It Gets Better project and then (gasp!) post it on facebook. I've even talked about being gay in some of the interviews I've done since the walk started. This bothers my parents greatly.

    In any case... Just give your mom time. In the meantime, I'm sending you a hug.
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    Nov 21, 2011 5:59 AM GMT
    I don't have any advice to give, but I wish you the best. This too shall pass.
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    Nov 21, 2011 2:30 PM GMT
    Another one of those idiots...sigh. I'm just stating facts. Like someone stated, parents already think they are failures when one child turns out to be gay. Imagine 2 out of 2?

    Next time pat3rob, don't let emotions clout your judgment and think rational. I have a feeling that you got defensive as you thought it applied to you. The world does not revolve around you. icon_rolleyes.gif

    pat3rob said
    surfrider28 saidOMG...never seen this before. The parents must feel like they are failures.

    I don't know what to say but to just give you hugs and kisses. This is a very difficult situation for your family.




    wait what?? parents are failures because their children are gay? check yourself.
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    Nov 21, 2011 2:59 PM GMT
    Cityaznguy saidAnd I don't know! Although I came out to my mom like 16 years ago when I was 17, my mom still took the news pretty bad. I tried to tell my mom that everything is still the same, and that my sister is still her and nothing's really changed, but my mom is still having a hard time accepting the fact. She kept saying that it's bad that her one child is gay already and she cannot accept that both of her children are gay. I am so uncomfortable that I actually need to leave the living room, and my mom's been going on and on and, pretty much just upset for the whole day. I know that she needs time to come to grip with this (unexpected) news. She kept saying that all her hopes are gone and so. This experience actually brought out some of the more negative feelings in me as well, as to when I first came out to my mom.

    Any ideas what I can do to make this situation better? I kind of need some recommendations. Actually, even a mental hug would be helpful. Thanks guys!
    That single sentence sums it all up.

    Its all about her. Not either of you two..
    Unfortunately it should be the other way around but sadly its not.
    Keep strong for each other.. hang in there. Your sis will be around for alot longer than mom will be!
  • vintovka

    Posts: 588

    Nov 21, 2011 3:16 PM GMT
    We have three out of five in my family but my parents got over it in time. So, be patient. (Check out pflag too and maybe send her that way).