My life as a big baby

  • trl_

    Posts: 994

    Nov 21, 2011 12:45 AM GMT
    I have a problem, and I do not know who to turn to about this for advice as my friends are all biased on the issue.

    I'll start by simply saying that I am 22, college graduate, etc. but I am unemployed and living at home and my parents still treat me like a child. It's in their tone of voice, word choice, and content of conversation.

    I had always seen them as over-protective growing up, but the way I dealt with it was to become a quite passive person who is not able to make up his own mind on many things.

    Now, however I cannot take it. It's driving me up a wall. Even simple requests such as knocking before entering my room are denied, the freedom to go to bed at a time I choose is denied (it's not as if I make a ruckus either). I have confronted them about this and they say that it's best I don't make my own decisions because "I'm not as wise as them, and they certainly know better. You may think you're smart with you're new diploma but you don't have any life experience." This is the weapon they use against any idea or point I have: they cut me down by using an age/wisdom trump card and talk down to me.

    They have said that we will start treating you like an adult when you act like one: get a job, a car, a home. I find this highly offensive to my intelligence and autonomy. Being an adult isn't something that is earned. It's a state of physical and emotional maturity. I have proven I have that time and again, but that's just not good enough.

    Deep down I think they don't want me to be independent or 'grow up'. My mom especially has reservations and deep insecurities about this. She has admitted that her worst fear is losing one of her children. What she doesn't realize is that she's making that fear come true by pushing me farther away from any kind of adult relationship with her every time she treats me small.

    My life is that line from Matilda: "I'm smart, you're dumb; I'm big, you're little; I'm right, you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it."

    How should I handle this?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 21, 2011 12:50 AM GMT
    Be an adult, get a job, move out.
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    Nov 21, 2011 12:54 AM GMT
    You could always start by talking with your parents about issues - finances, future plans, your opinions on random issues. If you have a good head on your shoulders and convey your maturity appropriately it's going to be hard to avoid seeing that. Just keep reminding them about what want to do in the future, e.g. move out, get xxx job, financial independence, relationship or whatnot. If I were you I'd be highly annoyed!
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    Nov 21, 2011 1:04 AM GMT
    No offense but what a funny read because you sound like my eldest nephew who also wanted to live by his own rules while living under my brother's roof. Guess who won that battle?
  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Nov 21, 2011 1:21 AM GMT
    bhp91126 saidBe an adult, get a job, move out.

    I second this. You live under your parent's roof who provide your basic needs and don't abuse you. Not much you can do other than this will make them treat you differently. Try to set some boundaries perhaps, have a talk and be firm.
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    Nov 21, 2011 1:37 AM GMT
    You're 22 right now.. Old enough to know better, but still don't know everything that's best for you. I think everyone has been in the same situation when they were your age. Just put up with it until you move out on your own. Because they're right.. life experience counts for a lot. So get out there, get a job, meet new people, learn some things, save some money, and move out.
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    Nov 21, 2011 1:50 AM GMT
    Even simple requests such as knocking before entering my room are denied, the freedom to go to bed at a time I choose is denied (it's not as if I make a ruckus either).

    Guys i think a lot of you are missing his point. There seems to be absolutely no autonomy here. He's four years older than me and this is happening to him?? I'm not even in college yet and he's a graduate student.

    Of course some power to make decision should lie with the parent, and of course the parent does and arguably should have the largest influence on his major decisions now. But no one can argue that these little things should lie completely under his parents' control.
  • trl_

    Posts: 994

    Nov 21, 2011 1:59 AM GMT
    This isn't about employment. I've been looking for a job diligently for seven months. I just brought that up to explain why I have no choice other than to live at home or in a shelter.

    They tell me when to start getting ready for events. "You need to get dressed now", etc.

    They tell me what time to go to bed and wake up.

    As much as I insist, my mother will not let me do my own laundry. I have to "sneak" doing it during the day so she doesn't beat me to the machine and finish the job.

    They open my bank statements to see how and where I spend my money.

    It's also something new that they're making rude comments about the people I hang out with here in town. Friends from high school they and I have known for years (saying I need to not be their friend anymore). I honestly think they want me to be completely dependent on them for life.

    A couple days ago my mom even said "I think you need to just accept the fact that you're going to live with us the rest of your life."

    Again, this is not about employment or delayed teen angst. It really is invasive actions that seem normal but are becoming really degrading to me as a grown young man.
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    Nov 21, 2011 1:59 AM GMT
    And lock your door when you don't want to be disturbed. If your parents ask why you lock your door, just tell them they have a bad habit of barging in right when you're about to masturbate. icon_lol.gif
  • trl_

    Posts: 994

    Nov 21, 2011 2:01 AM GMT
    There's no lock on any of my doors. When we moved into this house, we didn't get to pick our bedrooms and they put me in this one next to their room with no locks...
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    Nov 21, 2011 2:24 AM GMT
    Sounds like you have horrible parents... Let me guess - the both failed in life, took to religion for comfort, and are now latching on to you?

    Get FAR away from them and don't look back.
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    Nov 21, 2011 2:39 AM GMT
    trl_ said
    A couple days ago my mom even said "I think you need to just accept the fact that you're going to live with us the rest of your life."
    .


    I laughed so hard when I read this. You need to find any type of job and get out of that house. Are you out to them?
  • trl_

    Posts: 994

    Nov 21, 2011 2:43 AM GMT
    Yes I'm out to them. But the only reason they know is because they read a journal of mine a couple years ago, it's not like I proudly came out to them.
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    Nov 21, 2011 2:44 AM GMT
    My parents were very similar to this. My advice: bear with it as best you're able and plot your escape!

    My mom used to go through my mail, eavesdrop on my phone calls, etc. I was not allowed to socialize as a teen and they used to tell people I sat in my room all the time because I did drugs. I basically worked on the farm and sat in my room. Occasionally people from school would help me make up fake Honor Society events, which I was allowed to do, just so I could escape for a day/evening.

    Even once I had a job/money/etc, they tried to control and manipulate me extensively. I had to set up secret bank accounts, get secret credit cards to pay for things, etc etc.

    It was a very stressful time between 15-23, especially the latter college years where I'd have some freedom only to see it completely revoked in summer. I finally was free to use my savings at age 21 to buy a car, once I had my senior year scholarship money locked in. That helped a lot...then, it was a matter of moving out post college...when I couldn't find a job. LOL Oh those were some messy times.

    But...these struggles should help make you a stronger person who will persevere in the end! Soldier through, think strategically and long-term. Save your money as you're able. Rely on REAL friends and more gracious family if you're able.
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    Nov 21, 2011 2:53 AM GMT
    trl_ saidYes I'm out to them. But the only reason they know is because they read a journal of mine a couple years ago, it's not like I proudly came out to them.


    Ouch.....are you an only child....I am still laughing about your mom saying face it you are never leaving home haha....

    Tell her I have an aunt who lives with my grandma all her life she is 59 (my aunt). She is not a well adjusted person.

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    Nov 21, 2011 2:55 AM GMT
    There is NO way I would have EVER lived with my parent/s after I left at 17.
    Living on the streets I had to do once for a short while. I controlled MY life. No one controls it but me.

    I dont 'get' this.........icon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gif
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    Nov 21, 2011 2:59 AM GMT
    TropicalMark saidThere is NO way I would have EVER lived with my parent/s after I left at 17.
    Living on the streets I had to do once for a short while. I controlled MY life. No one controls it but me.
    I dont 'get' this.........icon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gif


    Just realize that the above was YOUR experience. Not everyone has that chutzpah at 17. I know I didn't. Growing up in the middle of nowhere on a farm or small town, you sometimes don't even realize what your options are, even with the existence of the internet these days. Exposure is a powerful tool in personal growth.
  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Nov 21, 2011 3:02 AM GMT
    I stand corrected. Your parents have some major boundary issues. They have a need to control every aspect of your life. Snooping in your journal, barging in the room without knocking, do they video tape you as well? I doubt they will treat you much differently even after you have a job, are out of the house- a "real adult."

    Your efforts to be seen as an independent person are seen as being inferior to their wisdom that comes with their age. Your only reprieve is going to be to move out. I hope you can find a job soon and leave.

    Have you tried telling them that the more they control your life, the less you respect them? Or tell them they are actually hindering you being an adult? This is a life habit and they probably are not going to change.

    Don't worry. You will move out one day, hopefully sooner rather than later.
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    Nov 21, 2011 3:03 AM GMT
    Sounds like a crappy situation, but there are worse ones. I only see two options. You can put up with it and move out as soon as you are able, or you can start pushing back, which will likely result in a lot of fights. In a worse case scenario, they'd kick you out.

    The first step is to find a job. What is your degree in, and how have you been looking for a job?
  • dabcrt

    Posts: 512

    Nov 21, 2011 3:07 AM GMT
    plot your independance one step at a time...........get a p,o, box for your mail. Find a part time job...........buy a p.o.s. car. Act like an adult and they will have to accept it..............icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 21, 2011 3:36 AM GMT
    wow, I can slightly relate to this but your situation seems to be a whole lot worse.

    I'm 22 and still live at home as well but I work and am still in school. My parents don't pay for my school or give me any money, I just can't afford to move out since Im paying for school.

    But I also feel like my parents baby me... can hear it in the voice sometimes like you said. Mom always standing over my shoulder when Im fixing something to eat asking if I need help or if I want her to fix me a grilled cheese. lol Its kinda sweet but at the same time really annoying.

    I can't imagine them telling me when to go to bed and wake up though, or coming in my room without knocking.... I would die!

    I do have an older brother who moved out when he was 18, didn't go to college, and just had a baby from a one night stand. My parents seem to treat him like an adult simply because of living on his own and being a dad. I also think being the youngest child plays into my moms babying because she feels that once Im out of the house then her parenthood is over.

    But yeah I have to agree that getting a job would help your case, even if it is a job that doesn't fall into the category of your degree. Also, make sure you're not relying on them or giving them a reason to baby you. Get dressed before they actually have a chance to tell you to get dressed. Go to sleep when you feel like it... Make up some shit story about how their babying you is putting you into a depression or something. ha

    Good luck man
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    Nov 21, 2011 3:45 AM GMT
    Being a 22 year old who lives with his parents and is going to graduate college soon, your parents are fucked.

    My dad gives all my mail to me unopened, there is a knocking policy on all closed doors in my house (I knock for others, they knock for me). Even though I leave my bedroom door open when I'm out, nobody enters my room if I'm not there. Everyone else goes to bed around 9pm, and my dad just advises me to go to bed at a reasonable time if I have to wake up early the next morning. I am not judged for the friends I keep or even who I date. I am also expected to do my own laundry.
    My parents realize that I am intelligent and capable and just because I don't have a job and am taking a break from college this semester to be in a therapy day program does not make me less of a person, because I have worked before and have an ever-growing knowledge of the industry I want to work not only because of my education but also because I indulge myself in relevant news, magazines, etc. in my spare time.

    If I were you, I would do what needs to be done to survive until you eventually find a career and move out on your own, and then cut them off. Don't answer their phone calls, don't tell them your address, don't give them your e-mail address (or block theirs).
    I would probably keep them out of my life until I felt that they might actually realize that people over 20 aren't children anymore.
    I'm a vindictive bitch though, so maybe you shouldn't do that LOL.


    Also, anybody who thinks it's as simple as "get a job and move out" is an ignorant cunt, especially with the current state of the economy.
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    Nov 21, 2011 3:47 AM GMT
    Lets get a beer I'll tell you everything you're parents didn't.

    Kidding but I think you need to move out....
  • blkdevil66

    Posts: 74

    Nov 21, 2011 3:53 AM GMT
    I pretty much understand. My Mom was like this and if you ever asked her to lend you some money she wanted to know where you were spending your money, how much you made, if you were getting a raise that year, or a bonus. So, I never asked her for money or anything else. I became totally independent unlike my two older brother's that she pretty much takes care of paying their rents and bills and what not.

    I say you put together A plan for when you do get a job,
    1. get a job
    2. search for you own place
    3. If you owe them ANY money payback ASAP (or they'll hold it over you)
    4. even if you have to go as far as telling them your life plan meaning, I plan to save 10% of every paycheck and put in a savings account, contribute blah blah percent to my soon to be 401k plan.....

    present this to them.

    Just let them see you are thinking about your future, you have a plan and you know where you're going in life. Then get the F#ck out of there. Stick to the plan you never know when a layoff may come and you DO NOT want to move back in. They will do the whole... "YOU SEE, we told you SO!" And that really sucks.

    Don't let them get your spirit down, keep trying to get a job, I got laid off in 05 and it took me almost 2 yrs to find a job, I was lucky to be fortunate enough to where my layoff package paid you an awesome amount for every year you worked there and I got about 96k. But, that goes fast when you don't work, have bills and responsibilities. I started off putting my standards way to high, expecting the same pay I was making but after 6 months of nothing I decided I'd take whatever was decent, and it worked out. I make way more than I used to and it's an awesome company.

    Good luck man, and just go buy a door knob with a lock. Man that's rough.
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    Nov 21, 2011 4:04 AM GMT
    Your parents are dysfunctional and are ruining your life. Since they don't seem to be willing to listen to reason, your only alternative is to get the hell out of there.

    Sorry, but it seems like the only solution for you.