How do gay men propose?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2011 3:07 AM GMT
    Been wondering about this for a while. We talk about marraige, but how does a gay couple propose?

    Our straight counterparts have a well documented script/guidelines on how to propose.
    In a straight couple, generally the man proposes to the woman. Many would argue that women can propose too. Most women I know demand that the men proposes.
    Then there's the ring, usually a sizeable diamond and a portion of one's annual salary (though I doubt people follow this).
    And then you tell family and they throw an engagement party.

    So in a proposal between 2 men (or women), who asks who to marry? Is it still a diamond ring? Because I doubt my bf would want a diamond ring. If not a diamond, is a band good enough? Do I only get one for him? Or am I supposed to get one for myself too. Can it double as our wedding rings? Cause that would save tons of money and we typically aren't ring wearers anyway.

    Maybe people who are married can tell me how they did it to get some ideas.

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    Nov 22, 2011 6:52 AM GMT
    Who ever gets there first.

    No, no diamond, just a nice band, maybe a subtle design, perhaps in silver.

    My ex and I were engaged, I got him a band, never got one for my self, I never felt a need and when he asked if I should I said no, if we got married I'd wear one but until then I went without.

    Cost me a freakin fortune though, I was traditional in a sense and saved two months of pay to get it hahaha
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    Nov 22, 2011 8:08 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidWho ever gets there first.

    No, no diamond, just a nice band, maybe a subtle design, perhaps in silver.

    My ex and I were engaged, I got him a band, never got one for my self, I never felt a need and when he asked if I should I said no, if we got married I'd wear one but until then I went without.

    Cost me a freakin fortune though, I was traditional in a sense and saved two months of pay to get it hahaha


    I agree. Best way put.
  • lykewise

    Posts: 30

    Nov 22, 2011 11:48 AM GMT
    While watching tv my mom said: "I want children, lets get married".
    My dad: "Ok".

    Romantic...

    Do what feels right, you know him best. Something he can wear with pride and fits his style of course. I know some people that proposed and then went to the shop together to pick something they both liked icon_smile.gif

    I think the feeling part (you wanting to commit to him) is the most special and important thing of the proposal.
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    Nov 22, 2011 11:57 AM GMT
    lykewise saidWhile watching tv my mom said: "I want children, lets get married".
    My dad: "Ok".

    Romantic...

    Do what feels right, you know him best. Something he can wear with pride and fits his style of course. I know some people that proposed and then went to the shop together to pick something they both liked icon_smile.gif

    I think the feeling part (you wanting to commit to him) is the most special and important thing of the proposal.


    Dad over dinner, "let's get married."
    Mum, "Ok"

    Pretty much about the same.
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    Nov 22, 2011 1:01 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidWho ever gets there first.

    No, no diamond, just a nice band, maybe a subtle design, perhaps in silver.

    My ex and I were engaged, I got him a band, never got one for my self, I never felt a need and when he asked if I should I said no, if we got married I'd wear one but until then I went without.

    Cost me a freakin fortune though, I was traditional in a sense and saved two months of pay to get it hahaha


    Aww that is sweet. Yeah rings are expensive. If I get one, I want it to be something really nice! Thanks for sharing.
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    Nov 22, 2011 1:02 PM GMT
    lykewise saidWhile watching tv my mom said: "I want children, lets get married".
    My dad: "Ok".

    Romantic...

    Do what feels right, you know him best. Something he can wear with pride and fits his style of course. I know some people that proposed and then went to the shop together to pick something they both liked icon_smile.gif

    I think the feeling part (you wanting to commit to him) is the most special and important thing of the proposal.


    Great point. I'm thinking I wanna surprise him with a ring, I like it when he is totally unaware. I think I have good taste, so when I do, it should be something to his liking.
  • Rawrdo

    Posts: 343

    Nov 22, 2011 5:12 PM GMT
    I remember having a conversation with one of my friends about this particular situation. At the time, he had just gotten a puppy, so I remember saying I'd want an engagement puppy instead of a ring. I'm still semi serious about the notion lol.
  • SanEsteban

    Posts: 454

    Nov 22, 2011 5:16 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidWho ever gets there first.

    No, no diamond, just a nice band, maybe a subtle design, perhaps in silver.

    My ex and I were engaged, I got him a band, never got one for my self, I never felt a need and when he asked if I should I said no, if we got married I'd wear one but until then I went without.

    Cost me a freakin fortune though, I was traditional in a sense and saved two months of pay to get it hahaha


    Perfectly awesome! icon_smile.gif Very well put!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2011 5:37 PM GMT
    My BF and I shared rings a long time ago, but when marriage finally becomes an option in California I expect we'll want to do a new set.

    I'm a real traditionalist, and when the time comes will probably do some kind of real proposal.

    Now I know this is going to sound REAL crazy, but here's the thing I'm really struggling with: I'm thinking of asking his father for his approval to marry his son.
    icon_eek.gif
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    Nov 22, 2011 5:46 PM GMT
    Squarepeg said
    Now I know this is going to sound REAL crazy, but here's the thing I'm really struggling with: I'm thinking of asking his father for his approval to marry his son.
    icon_eek.gif


    I never really understood that, because even if he said no, I'm still going to do it anyway. So what is the point of asking?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2011 5:48 PM GMT
    since i'm a techie kinda guy i think it'd be sweet if he hooked a tungsten carbide wedding band to one of the plug wires on my car so i'd find it when i went to change the oil.
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    Nov 22, 2011 5:49 PM GMT
    "Will you be my partner?"
    "Yes"
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    Nov 22, 2011 5:54 PM GMT
    This is going to be TL;DR but here ya go. Written 2/1/06...

    "Let's finish this bottle of wine before we go to dinner," Michael yelled from the porch.

    I joined him outside, poured myself a glass of Chardonnay, and dipped a cracker into the Roasted Red Pepper Hummus that lay on the table between us. Waves crashed outside against the shore, and the light of a full moon glimmered off the palm trees, which washed our villa in a mysterious greenish glow. It was a beautiful Caribbean night, the perfect night.

    Michael seemed nervous. "There's something I need to tell you," he said.

    "Is this going to be bad?" I replied. Always the optimist.

    "Um, I hope not." He stammered. I continued to munch on crackers.

    "I realize that you're giving up a lot – your home, your friends, maybe even your job – to move with me this summer. So I wanted to do something to show you that I'm just as committed to this relationship." I could tell he was looking for the right words.

    Then he did something I wasn't expecting. Michael stood up from his chair, a cheap piece of plastic patio furniture, and dropped down to one knee against the rough, cement floor. He took my hand, stared up at me, and said, "I want you to become my partner."

    It was my time to stammer. "Um, okay. What does that... mean?"

    "It means we'd be fully committed to each other, and we'd have some kind of ceremony," he said. "And this watch is actually not my watch. It's for you." He unclasped a sparkling chrome bracelet from his wrist and handed it to me. It was an elegant, black-faced TAG Heuer with a stainless-steel band and a rotating dial, the watch I'd always wanted.

    "Check out the back." I flipped it over and discovered that he'd inscribed my initials and today's date on the back. That's when it hit me. He'd been planning this moment for months, and he must have rehearsed it a million times. He'd even talked it over with his parents. His sister helped him pick out the watch. This is something he'd want us to remember for the rest of our lives. I turned my head towards the ocean, muttered "Don't look at me," and wiped away tears from my misty cheeks.

    "So can I get an answer before I kill my knee?" He was still perched on the concrete floor beside me.

    "Oh, yes. And yes, of course I will." He smiled.

    That is how I became engaged while vacationing in the Virgin Islands.

    It wasn't exactly a Hollywood moment. Our romantic setting was marred by awkward dialogue and the steady crunch of cheap crackers. Looking back, I realize the reason I responded so poorly was because I never thought this would happen to me. I always assumed this sort of thing doesn't happen to gay guys – not just because gay marriage isn't legally recognized in the United States. An old fashioned proposal like this is unheard of in the gay community.

    Unlike our straight brethren, we have no standard template to follow. No traditions. There are no gay customs to guide us: Who asks whom? What do you give? Who wears the dress? (Just kidding about that last one. We'll both be wearing dresses, of course.)

    We may not even define "marriage" the same way. Does marriage mean monogamy? Most of my friends can barely commit to an outfit, much less another person. I can count on one hand the number of couples I know who are truly monogamous (no, the only-play-together rule doesn't count). It's a bizarre paradox that gay marriage is the number one issue for gay rights, yet so few gay men genuinely want or deserve to be married.

    Straight people, mostly straight women, have probably been thinking about marriage their whole lives. They can turn to their parents and older siblings for advice. Or they can head down to the local Blockbuster and rent the latest Meg Ryan movie. (Not recommended.) The most we have is two cowboys doing it in a pup tent on the side of a mountain. And by now, everyone knows how that ends.

    Here's the real kicker: I've never even been to a commitment ceremony. Haven't been invited to one. The few gay couples I know who've had one had small ceremonies and did so many years into their relationship. For them, it served as a validation of something they already had. For others, it was a political statement. I don't know anyone – well, anyone gay – who's followed the old fashioned route: meet, fall in love, get married, start your life together.

    That's what I want. I want a ceremony that represents a beginning, the start of something new, a celebration of the journey we are about to take together. I want the old fashioned romance. I want the flowers and the candle-lit dinners. I want him standing outside my window holding a boombox over his head and blasting our song. I want him to track me down in Paris when I've lost my way and bring me home.

    I realize it sounds a little whacky. We've only been dating a year. And we haven't lived together yet. Hell, we haven't even lived in the same state. But it feels right. He's everything I've ever wanted in a partner.

    So I said yes.
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    Nov 22, 2011 5:57 PM GMT
    somewherenew said
    Squarepeg said
    Now I know this is going to sound REAL crazy, but here's the thing I'm really struggling with: I'm thinking of asking his father for his approval to marry his son.
    icon_eek.gif


    I never really understood that, because even if he said no, I'm still going to do it anyway. So what is the point of asking?


    It's probably a hangover from the days when a daughter was the father's 'property' and women had no power to change their legal status themselves. Possibly it also ties in to other concepts like the dowry and giving away the daughter's hand in marriage at the altar.

    Like the question of proposing, I guess this is a problem when we appropriate heterosexual traditions for gay marriage. Instead, we could investigate historical homosexual union traditions from Roman and medieval times, or invent new ones.
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    Nov 22, 2011 6:02 PM GMT
    kangourou said
    somewherenew said
    Squarepeg said
    Now I know this is going to sound REAL crazy, but here's the thing I'm really struggling with: I'm thinking of asking his father for his approval to marry his son.
    icon_eek.gif


    I never really understood that, because even if he said no, I'm still going to do it anyway. So what is the point of asking?


    It's probably a hangover from the days when a daughter was the father's 'property' and women had no power to change their legal status themselves. Possibly it also ties in to other concepts like the dowry and giving away the daughter's hand in marriage at the altar.

    Like the question of proposing, I guess this is a problem when we appropriate heterosexual traditions for gay marriage. Instead, we could investigate historical homosexual union traditions from Roman and medieval times, or invent new ones.


    I'd probably want to know if my future in-laws were on board ahead of time, not that it would change my mind, but my parents have enough bogus ideas on relationships to last a life time. I wanna know if there's going to be drama AHEAD of time
  • SirEllingtonB...

    Posts: 497

    Nov 22, 2011 6:06 PM GMT
    like this.

    lilTanker... will... you marry me?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2011 6:06 PM GMT
    Going to bare it all here: I do day dream about this. You could call me on it but hey, I still want it.

    Proposing is something ingrained in us from the heterosexist agenda in literature, advertising, movies, TV, and all media since we were born, so it's no wonder we think about it.

    I for one am a man who wants to be proposed to. I have a very clear idea of what I want, but the man has to be right of course, not to mention it is a life-long commitment after all, so between the two men, there has to be a connection, trust, and understanding that was previously verbally talked about that would lead to the marriage proposal and subsequent wedding.

    Good luck to those men who want to commit themselves!!! And dammit, let's here some Gay Men Proposal Stories!!!!!
  • Iakona

    Posts: 367

    Nov 22, 2011 6:07 PM GMT
    I proposed to my now husband....I did it with a candy ring cause I knew that we would end up picking out the bands together (they did have diamonds in it, not pimp style but classy). These engagement bands were then used for our wedding, only difference was that we had them engraved.
    Just do what feels right....icon_biggrin.gif
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    Nov 22, 2011 6:11 PM GMT
    somewherenew said
    Squarepeg said
    Now I know this is going to sound REAL crazy, but here's the thing I'm really struggling with: I'm thinking of asking his father for his approval to marry his son.
    icon_eek.gif


    I never really understood that, because even if he said no, I'm still going to do it anyway. So what is the point of asking?



    Family is very important to the both of us. While my family is mostly very liberal and very accepting, Rod's family is much more conservative. They get their news from Fox, give money to their Christian church, etc.

    Still, in the nine years we've been together they've always been pleasant and supportive. I'm invited to family gatherings, we exchange gifts during the holidays, and am basically treated like one of the family.

    If we get married, I WILL be one of the family.

    If asked (which we haven't ) if they support gay marriage they'd probably say no because thats what their church and Fox news says.

    If we ask for their blessing for our marriage that would sure be putting them on the spot, eh? Do they support their son's happiness and life-long commitment, or are they more tied to their ignorant dogma?

    I want their eyes to be opened. I want their blessing. That's why I would ask.





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    Nov 22, 2011 6:21 PM GMT
    I guess for some reason I'd always assumed it would be me that does the proposing. It would be easier if it was my boyfriend.. icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2011 6:25 PM GMT
    Squarepeg said
    somewherenew said
    Squarepeg said
    Now I know this is going to sound REAL crazy, but here's the thing I'm really struggling with: I'm thinking of asking his father for his approval to marry his son.
    icon_eek.gif


    I never really understood that, because even if he said no, I'm still going to do it anyway. So what is the point of asking?



    Family is very important to the both of us. While my family is mostly very liberal and very accepting, Rod's family is much more conservative. They get their news from Fox, give money to their Christian church, etc.

    Still, in the nine years we've been together they've always been pleasant and supportive. I'm invited to family gatherings, we exchange gifts during the holidays, and am basically treated like one of the family.

    If we get married, I WILL be one of the family.

    If asked (which we haven't ) if they support gay marriage they'd probably say no because thats what their church and Fox news says.

    If we ask for their blessing for our marriage that would sure be putting them on the spot, eh? Do they support their son's happiness and life-long commitment, or are they more tied to their ignorant dogma?

    I want their eyes to be opened. I want their blessing. That's why I would ask.



    I think the one aspect you're forgetting is that asking for their child's hand brings up a lot of gender role issues. They may think that you're the man and he's the woman because that's the pattern they know. Is that really what you and your partner want them to think?

    My hubby asked my parents, and I've admitted to him that I was sorta embarrassed by that. You should give a lot of careful thought.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2011 6:41 PM GMT
    "Will you marry me?"

    I don't understand. . .are we supposed to say something else 'cuz we are gay?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2011 7:07 PM GMT
    Supposedly me and my bf are both gonna be wearing an engagement ring...makes sense, just because we are getting married doesn't mean we can't change the "rules" accordingly
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    Nov 22, 2011 7:15 PM GMT
    I think a diamond band would suffice. Maybe something that looks like this?

    macys-diamond-rings-14k-white-gold-ring-

    or this

    mens-diamond-band.png


    I know some others use other stuff like Rolex diamond watches (but I don't really like that idea because it's like, your days are numbered or something). I know some do diamond bracelet but that's not practical, I mean, how many men do you know wear diamond bracelet? I still think diamond band is the best idea. In terms of who propose...I dunno! I think the person who is financially more stable should propose.