A little amusement

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 22, 2011 3:40 PM GMT
    A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

    Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

    Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

    Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

    Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. (I have to remember this one)

    Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

    Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

    Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

    Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is research.

    Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

    Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

    Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

    Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

    Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

    Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

    Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

    Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

    Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

    Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

    Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

    Ø Behind every successful man is his woman; behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

    Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

    Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

    Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

    Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

    Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

    Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

    Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

    Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

    Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

    Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

    Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

    Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

    Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

    Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

    Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

    Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

    Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    2. This is hilarious and so true. I think they are referring to Ryan Air which is an Irish airline for you non Brits.


    Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

    Why did God make mothers?
    1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
    2. Mostly to clean the house.
    3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

    How did God make mothers?
    1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
    2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
    3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

    What ingredients are mothers made of?
    1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
    2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

    Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
    1. We're related.
    2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

    What kind of a little girl was your mom?
    1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
    2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
    3. They say she used to be nice.

    What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
    1. His last name.
    2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
    3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

    Why did your mom marry your dad?
    1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot
    2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
    3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

    Who's the boss at your house?
    1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
    2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
    3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

    What's the difference between moms and dads?
    1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
    2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
    3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
    4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine..

    What does your mom do in her spare time?
    1. Mothers don't do spare time.
    2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

    What would it take to make your mom perfect?
    1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
    2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

    If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
    1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
    2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
    3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

    WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING -- SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AND AUNTS.... and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!!


    May God bless you and yours!


    1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
    your computer history if you die.
    2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
    realize you'r
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 22, 2011 9:11 PM GMT
    2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
    realize you're wrong.
    3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
    4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
    5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
    6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
    7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty
    sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
    8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
    person died.
    9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
    10. Bad decisions make good stories.
    11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
    when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for
    the rest of the day.
    12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I
    don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
    13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
    if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I
    swear I did not make any changes to.
    14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
    answer when they call.
    15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
    16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
    Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
    17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
    18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
    19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
    and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
    20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up
    to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers
    and sisters!
    21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty.. Pants? Pants never get
    dirty, and you can wear them forever.
    22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
    not know what time it is.
    23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
    keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the
    Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3
    feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
    24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874
    and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years
    for men to realize that their brain is also important
    That's enough fun for the day!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 12, 2011 3:09 PM GMT
    I pointed to two old guys sitting across the bar from us and told my friend,

    "That's us in 10 years".

    He said, "That's a mirror, dip-shit!"

    2. Some interesting information.
    > *****************************************************************************
    > The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a
    > substitute for Blood plasma.
    > ***************************************************************************
    > No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
    > Oh go ahead...I'll wait...
    > ****************************************************************************
    > Donkeys kill more people annually
    > than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )
    > ************************************************************************
    > You burn more calories sleeping
    > than you do watching television.
    > **************************************************************************
    > Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are
    > fifty (50) years of age or older.
    > ****************************************************************************
    > The first product to have a bar code
    > was Wrigley's gum.
    > *************************************************************************
    > The King of Hearts is the only king
    > ***************************************************************************
    > American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
    > from each salad served in first-class.
    > **************************************************************************
    > Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
    > (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)
    > (That women are going the 'right' direction...?)
    > *********************************************************************
    > Apples, not caffeine,
    > are more efficient at waking you up in the morning .
    > ************************************ ***********************************
    > Most dust particles in your house are made from
    > DEAD SKIN !
    > ************************************************************************ ****
    > The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
    > So did the first ' Marlboro Man'.
    > ***************************************************************************
    > Walt Disney was afraid
    > OF MICE!
    > **************************************************************************
    > IN VINEGAR !
    > *********************************************************************
    > The three most valuable brand names on earth:
    > Marlboro, Coca Cola , and Budweiser, in that order.
    > **********************************************************************
    > It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...
    > but, not downstairs.
    > ************************************************************************
    > A duck's quack doesn't echo,
    > and no one knows why.
    > ************************************************************************
    > Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
    > (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)
    > ***************************************************
    > And the best for last.....
    > Turtles can breathe through their butts.
    > (I know some people like that, don't YOU ?)
    > So........................
    > Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on......and go move your toothbrush !!!


    'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'

    'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.

    'All the food was slow.'

    'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

    'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !

    'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the kitchen table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

    By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

    But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :

    Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis , never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

    In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.

    Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

    My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow)

    We didn't have a television in our house until I was 13.

    It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a..m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.

    I was 16 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.'

    When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had..

    I never had a telephone in my room.

    The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

    Pizzas were not delivered to our home But milk was.

    All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers -- my brother delivered
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 12, 2011 3:14 PM GMT
    All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers -- my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.

    On Saturday , he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

    Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

    If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

    Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

    MEMORIES from a friend :

    My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea.. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

    How many do you remember?

    Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.

    Ignition switches on the dashboard.

    Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.

    Real ice boxes.

    Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

    Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

    Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

    Older Than Dirt Quiz :

    Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.

    Ratings at the bottom.

    1.. Blackjack chewing gum

    2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water

    3. Candy cigarettes

    4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles

    5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes

    6 . Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

    7. Party lines on the telephone

    8 Newsreels before the movie

    9. P.F. Flyers

    10. Butch wax

    11.. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])

    12. Peashooters

    13. Howdy Doody

    14. 45 RPM records

    15. S& H greenstamps

    16. Hi-fi's

    17. Metal ice trays with lever

    18. Mimeograph paper

    19. Blue flashbulb

    20. Packards

    21. Roller skate keys

    22. Cork popguns

    23. Drive-ins

    24. Studebakers

    25. Wash tub wringers

    If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young

    If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older

    If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,

    If you remembered 16-25 = You' re older than dirt!

    I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

    4.If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side
    > of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on
    > the left side of your mouth.
    > To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million
    > individual flowers
    > Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.
    > Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is
    > considered an insult!
    > People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.
    > Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he
    > declined.
    > Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas
    > in their stomachs.
    > Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.
    > The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to
    > shave them off!
    > Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is
    > impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.
    > The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a
    > time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.
    > Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros
    > It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears
    > out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
    > Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the
    > ground for thousands of years
    > Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one
    > end
    > If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human
    > body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
    > Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related
    > diseases.
    > Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals
    > Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and
    > newspapers.
    > The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost
    > every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
    > Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent
    > Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke
    > unless it's heated above 450�F
    > The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the
    > ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
    > Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean
    > The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand
    > of man
    > Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air
    > density
    > The University of Alaska spans four time zones
    > The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
    > In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal
    > of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
    > Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy
    > Birthday.
    > Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
    > A comet's tail always points away from the sun
    > The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the
    > disease it was intended to prevent
    > Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why
    > it is found in some medicines.
    > The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when
    > knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
    > If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you
    > can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
    > When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost
    > is sight
    > In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed
    > Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside
    > Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per
    > hundred grams
    > The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year
    > The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust
    > Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than
    > 15,000 meters
    > Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy
    > Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they
    > could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge
    > down
    > Everything weighs one percent less at the equator
    > For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess
    > fuel are needed at lift-off
    > The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the
    > elements.
    > And last but not least:
    > In 2011, July has
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 12, 2011 3:15 PM GMT

    *laughing so much I'm close to choking*


    PS hope it's not too late to wish you Happy Anniversary!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 12, 2011 3:18 PM GMT
    It's never too late...thanks. This year, for our 42d, we were on a cruise from Southampton to Miami.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 12, 2011 3:27 PM GMT

    lol, a cruise where you don't lose. (FrostedFlakes will love that)

    ...and while I'm at it, (channeling Mrs Dilber)...

    Merry Christmas rigsby, in keeping with the situation!



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 12, 2011 8:37 PM GMT
    I almost missed posting the best part.

    And last but not least:
    > In 2011, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This apparently
    > happens once every 823 years! This is called 'money bags'. So send this
    > on to 5 and money will arrive in 5 days. Based on Chinese Feng Shui, the
    > one who does not pass this on will have money troubles for the rest of the
    > year.


    On their wedding night, the young bride
    Approached her new husband and asked

    For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
    Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
    Her husband readily agreed.
    This scenario was repeated each time they made
    Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
    Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
    She needed.
    Arriving home around noon one day, she was
    Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
    During the next few minutes, he explained that
    His employer was going through a process of corporate
    Downsizing, and he had been let go.

    It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
    Another position that paid anywhere near what
    He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
    Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
    Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
    By the

    Bank which were worth over $2 million,
    And informed him that they
    Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

    She explained that for more than
    Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
    These holdings had multiplied and these were the
    Results of her savings and investments.

    Faced with evidence of cash and investments
    Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
    Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
    'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
    I would have given you all my business!'

    That's when she shot him.

    You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
    To keep their mouths shut

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 12, 2011 9:05 PM GMT
    I became bored
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 12, 2011 11:59 PM GMT
    sdgman saidI became bored

    Well I don't think I've ever seen Rigsby post so much before! What's that about?

    But I liked the longish story about the wife who charged for sex. There are short 1-liners good for comics on stage, and there are the longer stories friends share.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 31, 2012 3:55 PM GMT
    'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
    - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
    I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
    - Eleanor Roosevelt
    Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
    - Mark Twain
    The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
    - George Burns
    Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
    - Victor Borge
    Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
    - Mark Twain
    By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
    - Socrates
    I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
    - Groucho Marx
    My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
    - Jimmy Durante
    I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
    - Zsa Zsa Gabor
    Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
    - Alex Levine
    My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
    - Rodney Dangerfield
    Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
    - Spike Milligan
    Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
    - Joe Namath
    I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
    - Bob Hope
    I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
    - W. C.. Fields
    We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
    - Will Rogers
    Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
    - Winston Churchill
    Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
    - Phyllis Diller
    By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
    - Billy Crystal
    And the cardiologist' s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

    2.Winds of Change....
    Warren Buffet is asking each addressee to forward this email to a minimum of twenty people on their address list; in turn ask each of those to do likewise.

    In three days, most people in The United States of America will have the message. This is one idea that really should be passed around.

    _*Congressional Reform Act of 2011*_

    1. No Tenure / No Pension.

    A Congressman/woman collects a salary while in office and receives no pay when they're out of office.

    2. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social Security.

    All funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security system, and Congress participates with the American people. It may not be used for any other purpose.

    3. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan, just as all Americans do.

    4. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise.
    Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.

    5. Congress loses their current health care system and
    Participates in the same health care system as the American people.

    6. Congress must equally abide by all laws they impose on the American people.

    7. All contracts with past and present Congressmen/women are void

    Effective 1/1/12. The American people did not make this Contract with Congressmen/women.

    Congressmen/women made all these contracts for themselves. Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers Envisioned citizen legislators, so ours should serve their Term(s), then go home and back to work.

    If each person contacts a minimum of twenty people then it will Only take three days for most people (in the U.S.) to receive The message. Don't you think it's time?


    If you agree with the above, pass it on. If not, just delete.

    3. Feherty Quotes

    “Fortunately, he (Rory) is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body.”

    “That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn’t find it if it was wrapped in bacon.”

    “I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn’t be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife.”

    Tommy Gainey’s grip - “They look like two lobsters trying to mate.”

    “They don’t do comedy at the Masters. The Masters, for me, is like holding onto a really big collection of gas for a week. It’s like having my buttocks surgically clenched at Augusta General Hospital on Wednesday, and surgically unclenched on Monday on the way to Hilton Head.”

    Jim Furyk’s swing - “It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.”

    “He’s (Luke Donald) a bloody walking ATM. I slid my AmEx between the cheeks of his ass and out popped $500.”

    describing VJ's prodigious practice regime - "VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin."

    "That's a great shot with that swing."

    "It's ok - the bunker stopped it."

    at Augusta 2011 - "It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it."

    "That was a great shot - if they'd put the pin there today."

    "All you need for a happy life is good health and a bad memory"

    "Everything moves except his bowels."

    "Watching Phil Michelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."





    ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~




    ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~



    TRY IT.



    ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

    DID YOU GET 5000?





    ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 31, 2012 3:57 PM GMT


    ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~


    How'd he do that?


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 13, 2012 7:54 PM GMT

    The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

    Here are the winners:
    1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
    2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

    3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

    4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

    8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

    11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

    14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

    The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

    And the winners are:

    1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

    2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

    3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

    5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

    6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

    7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

    8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

    9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

    10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

    11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

    12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

    13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

    14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

    15. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men


    Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

    They were determined to make this a real vacation

    By not wearing anything that would identify them
    As clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
    For a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
    Shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

    The next morning they went to the beach
    Dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
    They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them .............They couldn't help but stare.

    As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
    'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
    Nodding and addressing each of them individually,
    Then she passed on by.
    They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
    So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

    Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
    One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'
    'Yes, Father?'
    'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

    She replied,
    'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.
    3.1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

    2. Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?

    3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

    4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

    5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

    6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

    7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

    8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

    9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

    10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

    11. Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?

    12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

    13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

    14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

    15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

    16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

    17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

    18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

    20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

    21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

    22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

    23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

    24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

    25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

    26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

    27. Christmas - What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

    28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

    I dunno, why do we?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 13, 2012 7:56 PM GMT


    It is a slow day in a little Greek Village . The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

    THE YEAR IS 1910

    This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!

    ************ ********* ***********

    The year is 1910
    One hundred years ago.
    What a difference a century makes!
    Here are some statistics for the Year 1910:

    ************ ********* ************

    The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.

    Fuel for this car was sold in drug stores only.

    Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

    Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

    There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.

    The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

    The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !

    The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.

    The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

    A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
    A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

    More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME.

    Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!

    Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which

    Were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard.'

    Sugar cost four cents a pound.

    Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

    Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

    Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

    Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

    The Five leading causes of death were:

    1. Pneumonia and influenza
    2. Tuberculosis
    3. Diarrhea
    4. Heart disease
    5. Stroke

    The American flag had 45 stars.

    The population of Las Vegas , Nevada , was only 30!

    Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.

    There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

    Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and

    Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

    Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.

    Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,

    Regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health'

    ( Shocking? )

    Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

    There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !

    I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself.
    From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD - all in a matter of seconds!

    Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 22, 2012 11:07 PM GMT

    Hunter, Bubba, Rickie and Ben


    Golf Ethics Question
    What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest 250 yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.
    Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."
    You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about 10 feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!" The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.
    Now here is the ethical dilemma:
    Do you pull the cheating bastard’s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?


    Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
    Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
    His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
    His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
    " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
    "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
    "He couldn't do that to you,
    He must have had something in his hand."
    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
    And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
    " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
    Didn't you have something in your hand?"
    That I did," said Paddy.
    "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
    Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
    Is driving home from the city one night and,
    Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
    A cop pulls him over.
    "So," says the cop to the driver,
    Where have ya been?"
    " Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
    Slurs the drunk.
    " Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
    A few to drink this evening."
    "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
    "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
    Folding his arms across his chest,
    "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
    "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
    "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
    When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
    "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
    "I've somethin' to tell ya".
    "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
    But where's my husband?"
    "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
    There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
    "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
    Finally, she looked up at Tim.
    "How did it happen, Tim?"
    "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
    "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
    Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... No. In fact,
    He got out three times to pee."
    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
    He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
    She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
    My husband passed away last night."
    The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
    Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
    She says, "That he did, Father."
    The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
    She says, He said,
    'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
    Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
    The Priest coughs a few times to get his
    Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
    Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
    The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
    there's no paper on this side either!"

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 22, 2012 11:08 PM GMT


    It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

    My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

    Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

    I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

    Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

    When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

    I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

    Bob, died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Bob, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 22, 2012 11:39 PM GMT
    Going back to the spirit of the OP:

    "She says, '...You know so many artists are fools.'
    He says, 'You know so many fools who are not artists.'"

    (Marianne Moore, 'Marriage')