Read BF's facebook message and found out something upsetting

  • anonymousjock

    Posts: 2

    Nov 22, 2011 6:23 PM GMT


    Hi, I am new here and am looking for some advice. I met my boyfriend back in June at Pride and we've been dating ever since, in August we talked and decided to be exclusive. The other night I was at his house and got a long message from a friend on facebook that was too detailed to reply back on my smart phone. So I used my BF's computer and went to facebook and clicked into messages before I realized it had auto-logged into his profile. I know I shouldn't have but I did read the messages between him and a guy.

    The guy said he was sorry they didn't meet up when he was in town in September and then said he wanted them to have sex again. My boyfriend did reply that he was seeing somebody "for now" but he'd be interested "when it's over" and then he talked about jobs he was applying for out of town.

    I know what I did was wrong, and I shouldn't have read it but I am upset with what I read. It's not that I'd expect him to break all contact with people he's slept with in the past, but since he and I had already discussed being exclusive when the two planned on meeting in September (though not necessarily for sex) I felt he should have at least told me this guy was coming to town and he was going to hang out.

    I also am really upset that he is talking about moving in the next year and seems to have planned for our relationship to end then, but he hasn't talked to me about the fact that he is applying for jobs in other parts of the state.

    I feel bad that I violated his privacy, I've never done anything like that before and it really was just a momentary lack of judgement but now I don't know what to do. I can't bring up what I read without admitting that I read it, but I also want to know if I'm with somebody who plans on being together long term or plans on ditching me and moving in a few months.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2011 6:59 PM GMT
    I too came messages on my then boyfriend's Facebook, between him and some guy he had messed around with in the passed. At the time I discovered the messages we had been going out for at least a year. I never checked his messages, and would have never thought of him as the type of guy to do something like that. He was very sweet, passive and nice, or so I thought. In one of his responses he told the guy to come ride his dick, something he had never even told me. I was really hurt and shocked when I saw the messages. We recently broke up this passed October, and after everything has played out I am beginning to realize that sometimes guys just stay in the relationship even though they may not even be happy. They can completely live a lie basically and put on an act. I know for a fact now that he, nor I for that matter, had been happy for a while, and it was for the best that we broke up because we were not working out as a couple. Our year and 3 months of being together wasn't the most solid relationship, but it was definitely a learning experience, and we are still friends. I think your situation was a little different in that your boyfriend didn't really respond to the advances. The fact that he didn't tell you they planned to meet up or that they were even messaging does raise questions in my mind. I'll step down from the microphone now, just thought I would share a similar story.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2011 7:04 PM GMT
    The REALLY amazing part is the same EXACT scenario has been detailed on this very site before.

    More than once.

    icon_neutral.gificon_neutral.gificon_neutral.gif
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    Nov 22, 2011 7:06 PM GMT
    if this guy you are dating specifically said that the relationship is going to end..dump him. Its that simple. EIther he doesnt think you are his ideal partner of he doesnt make good commitments. Either way, let him go before you get more attatched to him. Once you get more attatched, it will be harder for you to let him go. In my own experience, Ive had friends and bfs that i got way too attatched too and loved dearly, but later on they slowly faded from my life. This was and is presently hard for me. So dont make the same mistake as me, theres many other wonderful guys out there.
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    Nov 22, 2011 7:07 PM GMT
    Sounds like he isn't being honest about MULTIPLE things... get out of the relationship and know that you are better off. Be thankful you found out now when it will be easier to split and not a year later when you are more involved and more in love with the guy.
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    Nov 22, 2011 7:09 PM GMT
    I agree with that, he's not being honest, and he clearly stated in his message to the other guy that he doesn't see the relationship as long term. That says a lot right there. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship or try to make it work after hearing something like that.
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    Nov 22, 2011 7:12 PM GMT
    ... and get tested!
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    Nov 22, 2011 7:45 PM GMT
    r0ck621 said I am beginning to realize that sometimes guys just stay in the relationship even though they may not even be happy. They can completely live a lie basically and put on an act.


    This is so true and so sad, sometimes I wonder why bother in wanting to be exclusive, then I remember this is who I am and know there is someone out there that Feels like me
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Nov 22, 2011 7:53 PM GMT
    You know the saying..."When you stoop to snoop you step in the poop"




    Okay, I just made that up...but it applies icon_lol.gif
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    Nov 22, 2011 8:00 PM GMT
    I feel for you. Betrayal is one of the hardest things to deal with. But it's crucial you think with your brain here and not your heart. Keep your anger in the forefront of your mind and do not allow yourself to swallow it. It will help propel you through the hard decisions that lie in front of you. You must leave him and you must do it quickly, without hesitation. What he's done has cracked the very foundation of which all relationships are built on....trust.
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    Nov 22, 2011 9:17 PM GMT
    Well, at least now you know his real intentions with you. It depends what you want to do from now on. I'd say just be appreciative of the time you spend with each other and if this relationship doesn't make you feel good anymore, dump him. If it still does, then forget about it and move on (but always keep in mind that he might leave you anytime as he stated on his FB)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2011 9:20 PM GMT
    I wonder if anyone in these "betrayal" situations has ever been told by the other guy that they are the one? Most times they aren't even living with each other as is the case here. I think that monogamous dating should not be expected in the gay lifestyle. It is just too deludional and derivative of heterosexual mating ritual. Buttsecks is not gonna produce babies .
  • lykewise

    Posts: 30

    Nov 22, 2011 9:31 PM GMT
    Don't feel bad about finding this out!
    If you didn't mean to snoop around it was just an accident.

    I think you should tell him that you accidentally read it, and you feel sorry about doing that. After that you can ask him for an explaination, because it will break your relationship if you keep thinking about this...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2011 9:37 PM GMT
    Personally I'd rather not know, I'd never read through a partners personal messages, they deserve their privacy.

    Then again it's all about context and in your case it worked out for the best that you found out what he was up to.
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    Nov 22, 2011 9:44 PM GMT
    tell him what you know
    gauge his reaction
    he's probably going to a) be angry that you violated his privacy and b) feel guilty for what he's done.
    He may be defensive and frustrated so you gotta be sure to not fight fire with fire. Diffuse the situation if you feel like he's worth your time and effort.
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    Nov 22, 2011 10:26 PM GMT
    That's why establishing open communications is so important. Guaranteed to be 100% accurate, no but at least it works to build the trust in your partner. I wouldn't expect my partner to give up his friends or even not see them when they're in town, nor would he expect it from me but when it happens, we both know it. Common courtesy and a simple way of avoiding those nasty little surprises!
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    Nov 22, 2011 10:29 PM GMT
    I agree. Also, you might as well face the music now. He's already planning his next phase without you. You deserve better.

    lykewise saidDon't feel bad about finding this out!
    If you didn't mean to snoop around it was just an accident.

    I think you should tell him that you accidentally read it, and you feel sorry about doing that. After that you can ask him for an explaination, because it will break your relationship if you keep thinking about this...
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Nov 22, 2011 10:32 PM GMT
    Break up with his ass!
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    Nov 22, 2011 11:05 PM GMT
    lets make a list here:
    1.you open his facebook
    2.you could have close the Facebook once you found out it wasn't yours but you didnt
    3.you open his private messages
    4. not only did you look at his private messages but you open them....and continue to read them...
    5.you get upset because he has an email from an ex or whatever
    6.You have no idea how you bf feel about this guy.. all you know is that they were gonna meet but never did
    7.you are mad because he didnt tell you
    8.you cant seem to grow the balls to ask him about it because you violated his privacy
    9.all you facts are from one email... and nothing more...
    10.If you had some respect for your bf and his privacy you wouldn't be in this situation would you?

    Just saying im not taking this other guys side but again you mad over an email...you facts are all wrong... you going by what was said on the email... but you have no idea how your bf feels about the situation...... idk man look like you dig yourself a hole and now you have no way out... i would say grow some balls and confront him about it... that's the only way to find out whats really going on....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2011 11:18 PM GMT
    it's unimportant how you discovered the dirty details...same thing could have occured if one of your friends had overheard him talking to the other guy,and came back and told you what he said...just like the old days..before internet and facebook.the important thing is that now you know he's already planning for your relationship to be over..so he can go back to his other boyfriend..sounds like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too....use you,dump you and go back to other guy....if i were you,i'd get out now. this is an example of karma...it came back and bit him in the ass..
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    Nov 22, 2011 11:25 PM GMT
    Fuck that dude....in my opinion you did nothing wrong.

    I mean had you maliciously been snooping, but it was by accident. If you are in a LTR you should be open with your bf and not worry if he sees your FB or email.

    I would just mess with him at this point. Sit him down and be like listen I'd like to date until January 18th, 2012. Then we are done. I just want to keep you like a lease on a car then return you icon_smile.gif.

    The better thing to do would be to log into his FB and email that guy back saying.....I want to fuck you raw. I just tested positive. I hope it is not a problem.
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    Nov 22, 2011 11:33 PM GMT
    It may very well be that he wasn't being honest with the other guy, and is being more honest with you. Maybe he isn't even looking for work out there, but is just saying so as a way of flirting. Maybe he has no intention of breaking it off with with you and getting with that guy.

    Or maybe he is.

    I had a similar thing happen to me once (read an email a bf had written to another guy saying wanted to move to another state and have sex with that other guy) and the bf swore up and down that it was just harmless flirting, that he had no intention of moving, and that I was "the one" and all that stuff.

    I eventually broke up with him for various other reasons. :/

    So... this is tricky. You'll want to believe the best, no matter what we tell you. It may just very well be that your relationship isn't working for him but he's too chickenshit to do anything about it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2011 11:42 PM GMT
    wow all these long responses.

    Dump his ass.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2011 11:50 PM GMT
    Ask yourself what do you want out of the relationship. And then use your words to talk to him instead of being afraid.

    The only way to conquer fear is to act.

    On one level, you read his messages when you could have immediately logged him out and logged back in under your profile name. Why did you read his messages? Have you been suspecting that you two weren't as close or secure in your relationship with one an other?

    On another level, it sounds like he does not see you in his long term plans. I'm more concerned about his desire to move away than flirting with a guy online. He may have been doing it because he's insecure and likes the attention that others give him. Guys do many things that are stupid and illogical (such as checking a Facebook message) but it doesn't mean that he would act on them or that he deserves to be cut out of your life.

    Ask him where does he see this going but only if you want to include him in your long-term plans.

    The conversation between the two of you may shed light on your relationship and what it means to both of you.

    You'll only know if you talk to him without accusation and with clear heads.


  • Nov 23, 2011 12:30 AM GMT
    Drop the ass hole before you get dragged through the mud. Where there is smoke there is fire