All Aboard the Aircraft Quickly.. The solution? Besides the obvious...outlaw overhead bins.

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    Nov 23, 2011 10:25 PM GMT
    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp=45414427�

    And, use a taser on anyone who doesn't occupy the window and middle seat first. (makes 'em easier to push out the emergency exit.)

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    Nov 23, 2011 11:13 PM GMT
    RobertF64 saidhttp://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp=45414427�

    And, use a taser on anyone who doesn't occupy the window and middle seat first. (makes 'em easier to push out the emergency exit.)



    10 minutes before boarding time, line everybody up by row (Queue "A").
    Create a similar line (Queue "B") in 5 minutes.
    All people in Queue A board first.
    Then, allow Queue B
    General board.
    Close the door.
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    Nov 23, 2011 11:56 PM GMT
    Tell people the food is free on this flight.
    You'll see the fastest boarding times in history.
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    Nov 24, 2011 1:18 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidTell people the food is free on this flight.
    You'll see the fastest boarding times in history.

    Airline food? Yaaay.

    I'm confident tomorrow morning, people are going to board in a random order and clog the aisle at random times to get "settled". Which means removing their coats, putting them on the set, putting their laptop bag under the seat, then hoisting a carryon bag they can barely lift over a curb, let alone over their heads into the bin.

    Can't wait.
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    Nov 24, 2011 1:54 AM GMT
    RobertF64 said
    paulflexes saidTell people the food is free on this flight.
    You'll see the fastest boarding times in history.

    Airline food? Yaaay.
    Not airline food, FREE food.
    There's a huge difference.
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    Nov 24, 2011 2:04 AM GMT
    Can I use the taser on the people in Row 10 who must stand 3 feet from the gate as soon as Row 45 is called?

    I don't understand why people need to bring suitcases on board. It's not like there's going to be a costume party. All you need is a book or magazine, maybe an MP3 player, a snack, and whatever meds you will die without.

    I'm guessing it's "I'm too important to go to baggage claim".

    Spirit had the right idea in this regard. They don't charge for the first bag you want to check; they charge you to carry a suitcase on the plane.
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    Nov 24, 2011 2:52 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    RobertF64 said
    paulflexes saidTell people the food is free on this flight.
    You'll see the fastest boarding times in history.

    Airline food? Yaaay.
    Not airline food, FREE food.
    There's a huge difference.
    I'm ahead of you there. I think a more defined goal is free food in the terminal once we land PROVIDED you guys can board the plane and resemble poster children for educated/intelligent human beings.

    We are so fucked.
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    Nov 24, 2011 3:02 AM GMT
    This problem could be, hopefully, largely solved if people learned to line-up when THEIR row/section is called rather than rushing up when the gate agents call for Elite passengers only. icon_eek.gif

    Common sense, and a little patience, can work wonders.
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    Nov 24, 2011 3:20 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    RobertF64 said
    paulflexes saidTell people the food is free on this flight.
    You'll see the fastest boarding times in history.

    Airline food? Yaaay.
    Not airline food, FREE food.
    There's a huge difference.


    So, Paul, I hear that there is something great to eat on your airline. It's in the cockpit between your legs? icon_twisted.gif
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    Nov 24, 2011 3:24 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidTell people the food is free on this flight.
    You'll see the fastest boarding times in history.


    BTW, I rarely eat on the plane. It's like eating on the Muni. Uck!

    When I absolutely have to, I bring my own food. These are usually flights of 4 hours or more.
    Never anything "smelly", which also means nothing hot or "messy".
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    Nov 24, 2011 3:59 AM GMT
    Columbusite777 saidThis problem could be, hopefully, largely solved if people learned to line-up when THEIR row/section is called rather than rushing up when the gate agents call for Elite passengers only. icon_eek.gif

    Common sense, and a little patience, can work wonders.


    I am an airline-steward , and i applaud you ...icon_biggrin.gif
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    Nov 24, 2011 4:06 AM GMT
    neffa said
    Columbusite777 saidThis problem could be, hopefully, largely solved if people learned to line-up when THEIR row/section is called rather than rushing up when the gate agents call for Elite passengers only. icon_eek.gif

    Common sense, and a little patience, can work wonders.


    I am an airline-steward , and i applaud you ...icon_biggrin.gif


    Thanks doll!

    I admit that I have done this a few times before when I've almost missed my connection but if you've been waiting for quite some time, you really have NO excuse. It is so grating on the nerves when they begin boarding and ask for First Class passengers and EVERYONE stands up! Seriously?!

    It's not like you're going to miss your flight if you're sitting by the gate waiting for your section to be called. icon_lol.gif
  • turtleneckjoc...

    Posts: 4685

    Nov 24, 2011 4:28 AM GMT
    How about this one?

    You are one of the last to board a flight out of Orlando. You open the overhead only to find it looks like a freakin' produce stand in there! I have seen people stuff bags and bags of oranges and grapefruit in the overheads.

    Geez Louise! Don't you people have this stuff back home???

    Spirit Airlines is a low-cost, poor customer service, fee-happy air carrier however I think they kinda had it right when they started charging fees for carry on luggage.
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    Nov 24, 2011 4:37 AM GMT
    GAMRican said
    paulflexes said
    RobertF64 said
    paulflexes saidTell people the food is free on this flight.
    You'll see the fastest boarding times in history.

    Airline food? Yaaay.
    Not airline food, FREE food.
    There's a huge difference.


    So, Paul, I hear that there is something great to eat on your airline. It's in the cockpit between your legs? icon_twisted.gif
    Mile High Airlines at your service, sir.
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    Nov 24, 2011 6:23 AM GMT
    Back in the 90's, some shit-for-brains cretin published some "travel tips" in some "business" magazine. They got picked up and re-printed by other shit-for-brains cretins who couldn't think up their own moronic drivel before deadline.

    One of the "tips" was that people seated in the BACK of the plane, who board first, should put their shit in the overhead bins at the FRONT as they go by. OK, five seconds of thought would show that this is a completely stupid and destructive proposition. And yet, it caught on like wildfire. Every dumb-looking person in a suit was doing it religiously. It utterly trashed the boarding process.The worse things got, the more stupid shit like that people would pull.

    Personally, I don't even sit in the same fucking lounge as my flight. I find an empty one barely within sight. I don't even get out of my seat until the end of the line gets to the door.

    We don't even have to talk about the cattle who crowd up to the luggage carousel so the people who's bags actually ARE on it, can't get to them.

    So glad I don't have to fly much any more.
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    Nov 24, 2011 6:38 AM GMT
    jetBlue is our brand of choice. They don't charge for the first checked bag, so people are less inclined to try to carry a week's worth of clothing into the cabin with them.

    Also they have their "Even More Legroom" product which for a $20-60 premium gets you a little more space, priority boarding, and first crack at the overhead bins. Most of the entitled that fly with them opt for this, so they are usually settled before the rest of us peons board. I have never had a problem finding a spot for my backpack, which is the biggest thing I'd carry on.

    Another pet peeve, why the HELL don't they have a scale at the ENTRANCE to the baggage line, so that people don't get to the counter and then discover they are 5 pounds over, so they can start opening their bags and reshuffling shit/selling their clothes to strangers to save the excess fee?

    There is always the bathroom scale at home, BTW.
  • kew1

    Posts: 1595

    Nov 24, 2011 11:45 AM GMT
    turtleneckjock saidHow about this one?

    Spirit Airlines is a low-cost, poor customer service, fee-happy air carrier however I think they kinda had it right when they started charging fees for carry on luggage.


    Our low cost airlines charge for hold luggage , so people just going for weekends take as much carry on as possible. So now Ryanair's policy is

    "Strictly one item of cabin baggage per passenger (excluding infants) weighing up to 10kg with maximum dimensions of 55cm x 40cm x 20cm is permitted. (handbag, briefcase, laptop, shop purchases, camera etc.) must be carried in your 1 permitted piece of cabin baggage"

    & charge about $60 to put it in the hold if its too big.
  • misternick

    Posts: 234

    Nov 24, 2011 1:12 PM GMT
    Remember in The Fifth Element when passengers would board and get in their little cubby hole and were gassed asleep so that they were conked out for the entire flight? How far away is that?

    I've heard of more and more people just shipping their luggage rather than checking it. I think there's a lot of good idea there.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Nov 24, 2011 1:13 PM GMT
    Yep, as an alternative to Paul's suggestion of free food, why don't airlines (like Ryanair) just start charging for carry-ons?

    I always check my bags. I love the freedom of being unencumbered after checking in. A book and a couple of magazines, and I'm good.
  • mmmm_mmmm

    Posts: 1658

    Nov 24, 2011 1:46 PM GMT
    I simply distrust the airlines with my baggage, so I always have a carryon and a day pack with my laptop or iPad. I have learned to pack this way regardless of the amount of time I am away -- from a few days to a month.

    That being said, I get on and off the plane extremely efficiently and quickly. One swipe and my bag is already resting safely in the overhead, pull out of the aisle and settle the day pack under the seat and sit. Reverse the process to leave.
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    Nov 24, 2011 1:54 PM GMT
    NC3athlete saidYep, as an alternative to Paul's suggestion of free food, why don't airlines (like Ryanair) just start charging for carry-ons?

    I always check my bags. I love the freedom of being unencumbered after checking in. A book and a couple of magazines, and I'm good.


    I'm really surprised by the number of people on this thread who are advocating for MORE fees. Did I stumble into RichJock by accident?

    Airlines increasing their fees CAUSED the carry-on problem in the first place. This phenomenon of cramming carry-ons into the overhead bins did not take off until charging for checked baggage became the norm.

    How about airlines STOP charging for what used to be a free service, and they'll miraculously see faster board times, more room in overhead bins, less frazzled passengers, and more on-time departures all at once? icon_rolleyes.gif

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    Nov 24, 2011 1:54 PM GMT
    misternick saidRemember in The Fifth Element when passengers would board and get in their little cubby hole and were gassed asleep so that they were conked out for the entire flight? How far away is that?

    I've heard of more and more people just shipping their luggage rather than checking it. I think there's a lot of good idea there.


    This.

    Way back shortly after all the airport security theatre annoyance measures were introduced by our friendly neighbourhood TSA goons... I figured air travel by the 2010s would resemble this:

    1. Checking in - travelers arrive at terminal and are have their baggage weighed and taxed. Overweight passengers are charged for two berths if over normal height/weight standards. First class and moms with infants are escorted to the privileged lounge, where they feast on roast duck and caviar until their boarding time is called.

    2. Security processing - common travelers (hereinafter: "cattle") check ALL of their baggage, there is no carry-ons permitted (except for mothers w/infants and first class). Everyone else is made to disrobe completely and given an ill-fitting linen robe.

    3. Gassing - travelers are staged into a conveyor belt where they lay into it face down. Belt moves through a sleep-gassing room, and then through a full body scan machine. Body cavity searches conducted as needed by capable TSA agents (who have all sorts of cams and data storage capacity for later upload to the interwebs).

    4. Loading - gassed travelers are removed from the belt and stacked like cordwood in the aircraft and are strapped in.

    5. First class and other privileged travelers board, and are utterly removed from the circumstances of the cattle traveling in the back.

    6. In flight - hookers and 8-balls of coke are provided to first class as requested, along with other premium entertainment; cattle slumber unaware as their under regulated biological processes process waste material in no manner that is pleasant - except for a few watersport and scat fetishists with frequent flyer mileage.

    7. Extraction/disembarkation - first class disembarks to be escorted by airline service personnel to baggage retrieval and customs; the cattle in the back are offloaded onto waiting conveyors and are "wake-gassed" (or injected with a waking drug).

    8. The cattle are then led to a gang shower where they can wash off the accumulated sweat, shit, and piss from themselves under a stream of undiffused moderate pressure cold water (remember, everyday low prices by Wal-Air)... and can wrestle each other for space near the surrendered clothing reclaim carousel.

    9. Checked Baggage Claim: unchanged, although by the time the cattle arrive, first class is long gone and living life large.
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    Nov 24, 2011 2:24 PM GMT
    neffa said
    Columbusite777 saidThis problem could be, hopefully, largely solved if people learned to line-up when THEIR row/section is called rather than rushing up when the gate agents call for Elite passengers only. icon_eek.gif

    Common sense, and a little patience, can work wonders.


    I am an airline-steward , and i applaud you ...icon_biggrin.gif


    On the frequent flyer forums, they're called "gate lice." icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
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    Nov 24, 2011 2:48 PM GMT
    jaktogo_folding_instructions.jpg

    Just wait until you see passengers boarding with an overstuffed wearable luggage jacket AND a carry-on bag.

    I agree, get rid of overhead bins and/or charge fees for carry-on luggage.
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    Nov 24, 2011 2:59 PM GMT
    {I've told this before, but tough!}


    A few years back I was flying out of Key West, when the first rows were called (I've never understood why you'd want to sit first and be pummeled by the later passengers, but oh well...)

    Anyway, the seating came to a halt while the passengers leisurely removed backpacks, etc and took their sweet time picking out just the perfect spot for their steamer-trunks, um I mean 'carry-on' luggage.

    The Flight Attendant--who had up until then been the model of professionalism--stops greeting people to bellow "People, people! We're not picking out patio furniture here! Find your seat and sit down!"

    She got a rousing applause from those standing out in the hot sun & humidity!