How do you free yourself from the guilt of unknowingly (possibly) giving someone an STD? (Oral herpes in this case)

  • ChicagoCarl

    Posts: 163

    Nov 24, 2011 3:49 AM GMT
    We were intimate for three days. The fourth day I discover I developed a cold sore. I stopped any kissing or sexual contact at this time. He has never had a cold sore. I am hoping he did not catch mine. We both started a regimen of Valtrex, his as propholaxis prevention. I know there is nothing I can do, nothing I did intentionally and I was very responsible.

    The guilt of possibly giving this wonderful individual this breaks my heart. He has told me that if he gets oral herpes, he gets it. He will still like me.

    (I think my biggest fear is that the oral herpes will appear somewhere rather than his face.)

    How can I stop my mind from spiraling?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 24, 2011 4:29 AM GMT
    There's nothing you can do about the past. What's done is done. All of us have done things in our life which we are ashamed of. Guilt is at the very least the sign of a conscience. Be grateful for that. If you did not feel guilt, you would probably be a sociopath.

    Now that you know your oral herpes status. Looking forward on how you might leverage this lesson. Ask yourself these questions:

    Will you have a conversation about your oral herpes status prior to intimate contact?
    Will you have the courage to have conversations with future sex partners about your oral herpes status?
  • DR2K

    Posts: 346

    Nov 26, 2011 6:21 AM GMT
    Yeah if you know you have oral herpes and you're going around kissing guys without telling them then you should be hung by your skin. Herpes is especially difficult to diagnose and easy to spread, so you really shouldn't feel too bad.
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    Nov 26, 2011 6:25 AM GMT
    ummm you are infectious even when you do not have cold sores
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    Nov 26, 2011 6:41 AM GMT
    Yeah I agree if you knew you had herpes, even without an outbreak....you should have told the guy. If you didn't you are an asshole.

    If a dude told me he had herpes of any kind, I def would not be chancing anything casual with him.
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    Nov 26, 2011 7:24 AM GMT
    You could always try to look for the sliver lining. Infection by HSV-1 or HSV-2 in the mouth produces antibodies that can prevent herpes infections (that particular version of herpes he might have gotten) at other sites. So.. there's that.

    Also, generally speaking, HSV-1 infects the mouth area and HSV-2 infects the genital area, though it's not a hard rule by any means and more of a guideline with plenty of counterexamples.

    Finally, the majority of infections are actually asymptomatic and your immune system is pretty good at keeping the virus in check so you don't get outbreaks.

    Another note, it takes about 3-4 days for first symptoms so it is quite possible that if you also never had a cold sore before that you might have gotten it from him, given the time frame.


    Also keep in mind that whether they know it or not, some 60% of people or more have some sort of herpes and going by the sluttiness among gays I'd guess a higher percentage of us do, so chances are both you and him and everyone else in the thread and forums has hooked up or made out with someone who did have it.
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    Nov 26, 2011 7:34 AM GMT
    don't worry bee happy
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    Nov 27, 2011 11:29 PM GMT
    Good grief, both of us had tons of friends when we were little kids that had cold sores on their lips. Many parents and teachers did, too.

    So now it's some kind of venereal disease?

    Genital herpes is different. It asymptomatically sheds. To my knowldge HV-1 does not.

    intrigued and a little surprised

    -Doug
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    Nov 27, 2011 11:35 PM GMT
    Don't like 70% of the population get it from their mothers as children?
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    Nov 27, 2011 11:41 PM GMT
    are we talking COLD SORES? or are we talking like HERPES ..

    -_- i know cold sores are herpes but not the same thing as an STD
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    Nov 27, 2011 11:41 PM GMT
    orthojock saidummm you are infectious even when you do not have cold sores


    True. And with the prevalence of herpes simplex type 1 infection In gay males being at least 75% in most of the studies I've seen, 3 out of 4 gay men need to alert their partners before they kiss. How many warnings have you ever gotten from your sex partners? yeah right.

    I concur with waimea... don't worry, be happy.
  • ChicagoCarl

    Posts: 163

    Nov 28, 2011 1:37 AM GMT
    rightasrain said
    orthojock saidummm you are infectious even when you do not have cold sores


    True. And with the prevalence of herpes simplex type 1 infection In gay males being at least 75% in most of the studies I've seen, 3 out of 4 gay men need to alert their partners before they kiss. How many warnings have you ever gotten from your sex partners? yeah right.

    I concur with waimea... don't worry, be happy.



    I would have never even considered until this point to advise my partners of my type 1 infection, visible or not. I will from now on because the guilt I have been feeling about possibly giving to someone I care about is heart wrenching.

    I did not mention earlier but my doctor prescribed us both Valtrex after the initial discovery. For me to clear up the infection, and for him as a propholaxis. Two days more and my I think my stress level will lighten because he has shown no symptoms yet.

    I know from now on to share this HSV 1 status with all my partners.

    Thank you for all the responses and information.

    C
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 28, 2011 1:48 AM GMT
    Everyone and their mother has oral herpes HSV-1, which causes Canker Sores and Cold Sores....

    If you kiss anyone, you are at risk....

    I'm a total hypochondriac, but oral herpes is at worst a nuisance. I know tons of people who got it from their parents, all it takes is a little kiss on the lips.

    If you are talking about herpes 2 ("Genital Herpes) thats in the mouth area, then thats a different story...?
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    Nov 28, 2011 1:59 AM GMT
    i thought everyone had oral herpes
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    Nov 28, 2011 2:12 AM GMT
    HorrorGymGuy saidi thought everyone had oral herpes


    Pretty much.
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    Nov 28, 2011 2:13 AM GMT
    ChicagoCarl said
    rightasrain said
    orthojock saidummm you are infectious even when you do not have cold sores


    True. And with the prevalence of herpes simplex type 1 infection In gay males being at least 75% in most of the studies I've seen, 3 out of 4 gay men need to alert their partners before they kiss. How many warnings have you ever gotten from your sex partners? yeah right.

    I concur with waimea... don't worry, be happy.



    I would have never even considered until this point to advise my partners of my type 1 infection, visible or not. I will from now on because the guilt I have been feeling about possibly giving to someone I care about is heart wrenching.

    I did not mention earlier but my doctor prescribed us both Valtrex after the initial discovery. For me to clear up the infection, and for him as a propholaxis. Two days more and my I think my stress level will lighten because he has shown no symptoms yet.

    I know from now on to share this HSV 1 status with all my partners.

    Thank you for all the responses and information.

    C


    i think this would be going above and beyond the call of duty. like some other members are saying.... it's pretty much a given. if you are that conscientious, go for it... but i suspect you won't be sucking face as much :-(
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Nov 28, 2011 2:14 AM GMT
    Whoa, dude I do not know how to feel about this one. I normally would want to beat crap out of someone like you. However, if you did not know about it than that is a entirely different situation. I really hope you will inform others of your STD when you are engaging in sexual activities
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    Nov 28, 2011 2:23 AM GMT
    lol yeah this is a cold sore situation you need to calm the fuck down
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2011 7:30 PM GMT
    Genital herpes and oral herpes are different. I asked my bf about genital herpes before we even started sleeping together, and I gave him the scoop on me too. Better safe then sorry.

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    Dec 04, 2011 7:34 PM GMT
    ZbmwM5 said
    HorrorGymGuy saidi thought everyone had oral herpes


    Pretty much.


    Wow, are you guys serious? icon_eek.gif

    How the fuck can you make an implication like that unless people en mass are born with it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2011 7:36 PM GMT
    ZbmwM5 saidEveryone and their mother has oral herpes HSV-1, which causes Canker Sores and Cold Sores....

    If you kiss anyone, you are at risk....

    I'm a total hypochondriac, but oral herpes is at worst a nuisance. I know tons of people who got it from their parents, all it takes is a little kiss on the lips.

    If you are talking about herpes 2 ("Genital Herpes) thats in the mouth area, then thats a different story...?


    Actually, Canker sores are not caused by the HSV-1. While the exact cause is unknown, canker sores are not contagious and they heal without medical treatment after a week or so.
  • cyclone

    Posts: 46

    Dec 04, 2011 9:57 PM GMT
    If you discovered the cold sore after being intimate with him, maybe you caught it from him instead. But if in fact you infected him and not the other way around, did you know you had it before you became intimate with him?

    I applaud you for coming forward with your plight. For far too long, we've always heard the sad story of the infect-ee (not a real word) while the infect-or (not a real word) remained silent... only to infect someone else later. When becoming intimate with someone, most people only ask the person's HIV status while completely omitting the other STDs. While herpes is not deadly, it may increase the risk of some other infection. Also, it can be an annoyance for some people during an outbreak. If you have indeed passed on an STD to this person, it will affect their lives negatively because now they have to spend money on medication and may experience physical discomfort. It will be an unfortunate inconvenience.

    At this point, there is nothing that can be done. Could you at least pay for his Valtrex/medication or pay half of it? I think that could help just a little. The good thing is that he seems very forgiving. Some people would be highly upset. Please don't put anyone else in this situation. Find out from an STD expert what sexual activities you can engage in without infecting someone else. If any of your future sex partners are HIV+, passing on herpes to them wouldn't be very nice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2011 10:03 PM GMT
    CDC says that by age 30 over 90% of the population will have HSV-1. All it takes is kissing Granny, literally. I didnt know about HSV-1 building antibodies that can prevent the spread to the genitals, that is good info actually. Every time i get a cold sore, i get that aura feeling around the sight, so i use abreva and stop all sexual contact for at least 2 weeks after it goes away. Though since its been almost a year since my last sexual contact, its not like I have to try, lol. I usually only get 1-2 outbreaks per year, but thats common for people who contract it early in life, the duration of outbreaks gets smaller, as well as the number of outbreaks. As far as canker sores, I dont think they are caused by HSV-1, I was told it was simply a buildup of bacteria in the mouth, and that canker sores cannot be spread from one person to another. If im wrong though, that would be good to know as well.
  • Twenty_Someth...

    Posts: 1388

    Dec 04, 2011 10:18 PM GMT
    RoughriderTitan11 saidCDC says that by age 30 over 90% of the population will have HSV-1. All it takes is kissing Granny, literally. I didnt know about HSV-1 building antibodies that can prevent the spread to the genitals, that is good info actually. Every time i get a cold sore, i get that aura feeling around the sight, so i use abreva and stop all sexual contact for at least 2 weeks after it goes away. Though since its been almost a year since my last sexual contact, its not like I have to try, lol. I usually only get 1-2 outbreaks per year, but thats common for people who contract it early in life, the duration of outbreaks gets smaller, as well as the number of outbreaks. As far as canker sores, I dont think they are caused by HSV-1, I was told it was simply a buildup of bacteria in the mouth, and that canker sores cannot be spread from one person to another. If im wrong though, that would be good to know as well.


    Only 6 years left and I get to remain in the 10% MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHicon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2011 10:42 PM GMT
    I've had oral herpes since I was two. I've never kissed or had sex when I know I am getting a cold or cold sore and, I've never transmitted it to anyone. Anyone kissing or fooling around is taking a chance - do we ever really know what we have or don't have? I'd kiss you again, even if you gave it to me.