Coming out to family (and young siblings)

  • nsnhjkj

    Posts: 11

    Nov 27, 2011 1:48 AM GMT
    I come from a very religious Christian family. I came out to my parents a year ago and they did not take it well at all. I was basically disowned and cut off completely financially, so I moved out of state to escape everything. I still get along with my dad and usually my mom (if we stay off the topic), but she said some horrible things that will leave a scar with me forever.

    I went home for the holidays to visit my family and my very rural/republican/christian extended family was also there. They keep asking me questions about who I am dating, etc.. I have a very committed bf. I don't want to say that I'm not dating anyone (because it's not true and to them, that makes me look like a loser). It's hard constantly trying to cover up everything when they ask me.... what color is her hair? Where'd you meet her? Bring her home to meet us?...etc...

    I want to come out simply because I'm tired of getting asked questions and having to lie to protect myself. My extended family are ALL farmers. They always bash homosexuals verbally. Strong Republicans. They are Christians. Very narrow minded. I don't want/or have to see them often, but when I do I don't want to be asked questions about the "girl" I'm dating because it's actually a guy. How are these people going to take it? Anyone else had to come out to these type of people? Every family gathering I hear at least one verbal "gay bash." Would they still do that if I'm around? They are constantly using the word "gay" as an insult...calling things they don't like gay etc.

    I'm pretty sure I'm okay with telling this extended family the truth because I don't have to see them again if they don't accept me, but I feel like my siblings need to be told first and 2 of them are young. I have an older brother that I think would be very accepting of me. The other two are ages 15 and 10. I'm 21 btw and am very masculine/normal acting. I think the 15 year old is mature enough to handle it, but how do I tell the 10 year old? I can't just put this off for 5 year until she's older, but I have to tell her before telling other people or else she's find out through them instead of me and that wouldn't be right.

    Help? Suggestions? Anyone else had to do this?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2011 2:20 AM GMT
    It's a tough situation. We've all been there and had to make that decision for ourselves. When, how, individually, together?

    Advice or not, only you can decide what is ultimately best for your situation. I wish you luck!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2011 3:03 AM GMT
    Coming out is always up to you.
    It is your PERSONAL information for you to share as you see fit.
    You do not owe anyone this is a gift that you are sharing of YOU pic who, when, where, why, etc that you share.
    Age appropriateness of information is for parents to determine.
    Your parents do not want to accept your revelation and are testing you to make sure this isn't just a phase. Stand your ground, do not be forced back into a closet... the politics and religion is part of your landscape to navigate along with the personalities....only you can determine your best approach.There is no best or standard way to come out...good luck and always be safe when you do this. Put yourself in the best and safest situation.
    You should let your parents meet your BF so they can know that you are a loving a neutral and safe environment for both sides...
    Take care and let us know how it goes.icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2011 8:36 AM GMT
    I completely understand this because I'm currently going through the same thing myself. The situation might be different for you because you may care what your extended family things of you, as opposed to me, where I honestly just don't give much of a fuck. So, like I told myself and others adviced me: Do they really need to know? And if they know, how much would you care? I often get asked the questions about girls and girlfriends, etc. And I just smile and go along with it. It's not because I want to "lie" to them, it's basically because I just don't think my sexuality is any of their concern. If you don't see them that often, what does it matter? Just live your life by your own accord and forget the rest. They don't need to know and if your close family accepted you (sort of), no one else needs to know.

    As far as the siblings are concerned. I told my brother (older than me), because it was only fair for him to know. If I were you, I would tell the older one first, and let the younger experience more, or at least mature more before you tell him/her. S/he doesn't need to know now, and I'm sure that you could postpone coming out to him/her for the time being. Don't overthink it. Come out at your own pace. You're not lying to anyone. You're just protecting yourself and trying to ignore more negative energy.

    And one final thing: just because someone is flamboyant or "straight acting" doesn't mean they're not normal. Just throwing that out there.

    Hope I helped in some way, shape or form.

    Good luck!