Aspergers Syndrome, and Its Limitations With Starting a Relationship.

  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Nov 27, 2011 11:06 PM GMT
    In the past year or so I have been more open with others that I have Aspergers syndrome, partly because I more or less rememered I have it. I was diagnosed when I was 9, but I didn't know I had it until I was 18 years old by an offhanded comment from my mom. Years passed and I didn't think about it much until I began reading about it and it brought a lot of stuff forward in my mind.

    The short of it is, I have largely outgrown a lot of the issues with aspergers syndrome, mostly because of who I am as a person. I am a perfectionist and I am extremely self-aware. As such, if I see a problem with myself, I work on it and fix it. I had horrible issues growing up with socializing (not out of fear, I am a rather social person, but I just did it wrong). Since I like people, over the years I have "learned" them. Most people when they meet me wouldn't guess I have aspergers because I have mastered a lot of it. I analytically studied human behavior in my mind, and I use this vast memory bank of experiences and observations to articulate what to do and how to do it. It takes practice, though. If I hit a new situation I can't fit to a template in my mind, I freeze and become very clunky.

    That's where relationships come in. I have never been in a "true" relationship, even though I have been out since I was 15 years old. I believe a large part of this is due to aspergers, and lack of experience. I don't know how to behave properly with the intimate aspects of relationships because I have not (nor can one) observe proper behavior. Reading present moment body language that is very subtle is hard (I can do it in hindsight only or from an observational standpoint) and thus I don't know if a guy is interested, wants to make out, kiss, initate this, or that, etc. It's actually rather painful for me too. I have a LOT of stress and anxiety because I temper my behavior and regulate it all hours of the day.

    Most of the time when I am out with a guy, it stays as just friends. I have more or less acertained that this is not usually do to physical qualities (i.e. I am not seen as unattractive), but because I tend to keep conversations completely sterile. I don't know how to talk dirty, or to flirt at all. I have never had any practice, and there is a lot of risk involved with doing that in the way of killing friendships so I can't practice. Also, I wonder if I drop no hints at all that I am interested in a guy. I often resort to just blunt saying "I am attracted to you" or something to that effect which is often a dead end as it is because then it's expected that I do something since I initiated (which is nearly impossible for me).

    I am not asking for an answer, more or less I am asking for any kind of feedback. A lot of my friends find my personality and behavior to be strange, but endearing in many ways. I just wonder if in a relationship that doesn't translate. It's one thing to be clueless at dinner with friends. It's another thing to be clueless in the bedroom.
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    Nov 27, 2011 11:41 PM GMT
    i was diagnosed with severe depression and asperger's........it is difficult for me to look into someone's eyes.sometimes i don't pick up on other peoples "clues" either....Asperger's Syndrome is similar to autism...in that communication can be difficult...keeping up with some peoples conversation can be hard,and i often take things too literally.
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    Nov 28, 2011 12:07 AM GMT
    Sigh, why are all the smart ones flawed? icon_lol.gif

    Seriously, I have sterile conversations too all the time. I don't really stress about it too much though.
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    Nov 28, 2011 12:08 AM GMT
    I think RoadsterRacer & you could maybe chat about this
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    Nov 28, 2011 12:16 AM GMT
    Well I'm Jewish. It's probably the same as having Aspergers syndrome.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Nov 28, 2011 12:19 AM GMT
    Bale02 saidI think RoadsterRacer & you could maybe chat about this


    Or maybe Anduru.....didn't he have to deal with this also?
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    Nov 28, 2011 12:21 AM GMT
    malefeet said
    Bale02 saidI think RoadsterRacer & you could maybe chat about this


    Or maybe Anduru.....didn't he have to deal with this also?


    Dunno. I thought Anduru was/is just nuts icon_lol.gif
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Nov 28, 2011 12:51 AM GMT
    If either of them have been through or are currently in a relationship then it would be quite useful to say the least, it would give me some deeper insight. I have gotten past many of the issues that are related to aspergers, but there are still some pieces that need to be fixed, and this is definitely one of them. Problem is to fix it, I need to be IN a relationship, but getting in one is the hardest part. Not to mention finding the right guy, but that's another topic.

    I can actually figure out people REALLY well, to the point where it can make people cry if I am too honest (naturally, I keep those thoughts to myself now). I'm just trying to be able to apply that to present moment scenarios and in such a way where I don't need verbal confirmation to solidify my observations.

    I do have a question, not sure if it could be answered. When one is making out with another, what thoughts are usually running through your head. Are you more focused on "ok now I need to do this, and then I need to do this, and then grab him here, then touch him here" or is it more free-form? Are you planning your actions, going with it, thinking about him, yourself, etc?
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    Nov 28, 2011 1:10 AM GMT
    bump.gif
    Yeah, pray tell. Do most people have sex with the script of a porn clip in the back of their minds?

    If not, I've been doing it wrong all this time.faint2.gif
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Nov 28, 2011 1:13 AM GMT
    From what I've read, guys with your syndrome do will in management positions. You're not limited. You're gifted. Go kick ass!
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    Nov 28, 2011 1:15 AM GMT
    barriehomeboy saidFrom what I've read, guys with your syndrome do will in management positions. You're not limited. You're gifted. Go kick ass!

    What's a management position for sex? Do I really have to kick his ass?
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    Nov 28, 2011 1:39 AM GMT
    You are def not alone in struggling with social situations, and the cold hard truth is you will have to muddle through dating sometimes. I might suggest trying to find coupled friends who are willing to do a double date... The experience allows a bit more insight into how the process should go in the future and two extra sets of eyes to tell you if you might have misstepped during the evening. As for sex and home life, that really is something that is best experienced, even if the first few tries dont go so well.
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    Nov 28, 2011 1:41 AM GMT
    i dated somone with asbergers. It was challenging.
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    Nov 28, 2011 1:43 AM GMT
    Dallasfan824 saidi dated somone with asbergers. It was challenging.

    Care to explicate?
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    Nov 28, 2011 1:46 AM GMT
    I'll come clean and say that I was diagnosed with asperger syndrome when I was 8. However, because of some other reasons, I don't really know for sure if it's a true diagnosis and I doubt it. However, Allan and Barbara Pease wrote a line of books regarding body language, and I think they're very good and accurate. Plus the TV show Lie to Me I think is pretty accurate also.
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    Nov 28, 2011 2:05 AM GMT
    i find the hardest part for me is letting someone "into" my private inner world..it's like i have the outside world that i have to function in....then there is my inner world..and i hate change...i don't even like my daily routine messed with...change makes me very nervous.i want so bad to make a connection with a guy...but i'm so awkward..and unsure of how to do it as well. my ex bf was trying to be understanding,but i think it got on his nerves.
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    Nov 28, 2011 2:16 AM GMT
    q1w2e3 said
    Dallasfan824 saidi dated somone with asbergers. It was challenging.

    Care to explicate?


    The social interaction was challenging. He was very uneasy and could only handle people if he was wasted. He had almost no friends. He was happiest reading a book or watching a movie. Being around any people was tough.
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    Nov 28, 2011 2:20 AM GMT
    Dallasfan824 said
    q1w2e3 said
    Dallasfan824 saidi dated somone with asbergers. It was challenging.

    Care to explicate?


    The social interaction was challenging. He was very uneasy and could only handle people if he was wasted. He had almost no friends. He was happiest reading a book or watching a movie. Being around any people was tough.


    You just described me and all of my friends lol.
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    Nov 28, 2011 2:21 AM GMT
    Rodcet said
    Dallasfan824 said
    q1w2e3 said
    Dallasfan824 saidi dated somone with asbergers. It was challenging.

    Care to explicate?


    The social interaction was challenging. He was very uneasy and could only handle people if he was wasted. He had almost no friends. He was happiest reading a book or watching a movie. Being around any people was tough.


    You just described me and all of my friends lol.


    I doubt it.
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    Nov 28, 2011 2:33 AM GMT
    As for feedback... I do weird shit all the time, knowing that it will be perceived by others as weird, I just don't give a fuck! icon_biggrin.gif

    I think part of the problem is that you say you've learned people. People aren't as predictable as we'd like to believe, and I can't imagine constantly having to translate all that's unsaid. You need to find someone that will articulate their feelings, talk to you when they're mad or have a problem.Not someone that will stomp off and pout for three days leaving you scratching your head. Sadly these individuals are few and far between...

    I've been told that I'm too open. I talk too much. I'm too casual. Reveal too much, strip all the mystery away. I've learned that most people aren't like that, and I have to constantly tone it back.
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    Nov 28, 2011 2:42 AM GMT
    RodcetI think part of the problem is that you say you've learned people. People aren't as predictable as we'd like to believe, and I can't imagine constantly having to translate all that's unsaid.


    That's why I think it's good to have to expose yourself to more people, in a controlled setting, like playing being the doctor. I pick up vibes that would have never occurred to me just 5 years ago. Sometimes I shudder to think how I would have turned out if I were a lab rat...no offense meant.icon_biggrin.gif

    I still think parties are pointless, and I never touch alcohol.
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    Nov 28, 2011 2:45 AM GMT
    Confession: I had no idea what this was.

    Confession: After reading up on this, I could easily have it based on the symptoms icon_eek.gif
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Nov 28, 2011 2:45 AM GMT
    As for the bedroom, try not to think, just do. Make it tactile.
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Nov 28, 2011 2:45 AM GMT
    eddie13 saidi find the hardest part for me is letting someone "into" my private inner world..it's like i have the outside world that i have to function in....then there is my inner world..and i hate change...i don't even like my daily routine messed with...change makes me very nervous.i want so bad to make a connection with a guy...but i'm so awkward..and unsure of how to do it as well. my ex bf was trying to be understanding,but i think it got on his nerves.


    I speak of private world in ways of emotions, but I do relate. Mentally it's actually quite easy for me. I also do not like change at ALL and it makes me quite bent out of shape. I swallow it though because it's generally not good to let it show. Also I know it is illogical to become mad over a changed plan if all it does is upset my sensibillites (i.e. anger for a selfish/personal reason).


    Rodcet saidAs for feedback... I do weird shit all the time, knowing that it will be perceived by others as weird, I just don't give a fuck! icon_biggrin.gif

    I think part of the problem is that you say you've learned people. People aren't as predictable as we'd like to believe, and I can't imagine constantly having to translate all that's unsaid. You need to find someone that will articulate their feelings, talk to you when they're mad or have a problem.Not someone that will stomp off and pout for three days leaving you scratching your head. Sadly these individuals are few and far between...

    I've been told that I'm too open. I talk too much. I'm too casual. Reveal too much, strip all the mystery away. I've learned that most people aren't like that, and I have to constantly tone it back.


    Oh I know people are unpredictiable. It's more once I see someones actions or behavior I can explain to them why they did it with their motivations behind it. I can't do it the other direction (nor can one else). People are predicable in a bulk sense, not in an individualistic sense. Although individualistic behavior is logical once seen and understood. It IS hard to have to constantly translate what is unsaid, but I do do it. It's part of the reason I fail at making consistent eye contact with someone (visual input is by far the most distracting thing to me when it comes to thinking). Anyway, I digress.

    I do know I need someone that is up front, and they are indeed rare. I like to think if I am this way, then I will increase my chances of meeting someone else who is this way too. I also am very open and have been told too open in the past. It does get rid of the mystery. The problem is, by not being open I feel like I am doing the other a diservice. They don't see the entire picture of me and thus are missing information. Information to which will lead them to see if they are a good match with me or not. I don't want someone to be misinformed or mislead, as that is unfair to them. I have toned back my openness a lot but it's very difficult for me to do so. Without it, I don't have much I can talk about. Then again I talk A LOT as it is, perhaps it's something I must learn to do more. Awkward silences tend to come from that though so it's a matter of finding balance.


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    Nov 28, 2011 2:46 AM GMT
    Aspergers is a form of high-functioning Autism. There are different levels of it also. Some people are socially crippled by it (low-functioning Aspergers) whereas some are simply a little awkward (hi-functioning). I'm very outgoing and talkative but also very ready/willing to expose my emotions. I'm somewhat emotionally starved because i come from a very cold, sterile family (parents only, not relatives) so I actually have to be more worried about giving people the WRONG impression or moving too quickly. My greatest weakness is when people are nice to me believe it or not. I'll start to overlook things that really should bother me or send up red flags just because they compliment me.