How do I turn down a date that I previously accepted without hurting the person?

  • heymikey

    Posts: 24

    Nov 28, 2011 4:49 AM GMT
    A few days ago, a friend asked me if he wanted to go on a date with him. I was stunned actually since I didn't know he felt that way about me. Although looking back, there were signs, like if I talk to him about cute guys we both know, he'd start looking jealous. He'd go out of his way to hang out with me. Everytime I talk to some cute guy, he'd get jealous. I just thought he was being a good friend, if not somewhat possessive. 

    Anyway, long story short, I said 'yes' to a date only because I was caught off-guard and I didn't want to hurt him. How do I turn this 'date' into something casual without him expecting our friendship to go to another level? I am not attracted to him but I would still like to be friends with him despite the awkwardness.

    To make things worse, he is friends  with this guy I like (though not close) and I can tell this guy likes me too. I don't want him to find out about me starting to date my friend.  I also would like to ask this guy on a date but I'm worried my friend would get hurt. 

    How do I handle this without hurting my friend? I would still like to continue hanging out with him. He's a good guy. I had a few friends before who eventually started having feelings for me that I turned down and they stopped calling and dropped me as a friend. How do I stop this from happening again (the dropping-me-as-a-friend part)?
  • Brick_n_Lace

    Posts: 185

    Nov 28, 2011 5:01 AM GMT
    tell him that you dont want to ruin the friendship?? maybe try telling him that you have come to value him as a friend so much that you dont see him romantically.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 28, 2011 5:04 AM GMT
    Not much you can do except be upfront with him on the "date" if it seems to be turning into a bf type date instead of a friends only date. Uncomfy big time, but if it does turn out he was looking for more and drops you well,, it's better for you and him that he gets on with his life and finds someone who does want to be his BF instead of holding out false hope now isn't it.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 28, 2011 2:52 PM GMT

    How's this?

    Go ahead on the date. When you meet, grin and say you've never been on a friendship date before. He'll ask what you mean and you explain that you feel the same way about him as you do about your other friends.

    I think he'll get the picture. icon_wink.gif

    Or, if you don't want to wait, call him up and ask about what you two plan to do on your friendship date. And again, he'll ask what you mean and you explain that you feel the same way about him as you do about your other friends.

    I hope that helps!

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 28, 2011 2:53 PM GMT
    lol, just saw beneful's reply. Redundant me. icon_wink.gif

  • Nov 28, 2011 2:58 PM GMT
    Sometimes you just gotta roll the dice...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 28, 2011 3:10 PM GMT
    Either way it goes he's going to be hurt because you said yes. So be prepared for possibly an angry response. No one likes being rejected. So just be honest and keep the explanation short! The more you ramble on and on the more he will see through your crap. Just say that you don't date friends and when he asked why you said yes to begin with...BE HONEST! Your request caught me off guard because I only see you as a friend period!

    Good Luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 28, 2011 3:21 PM GMT
    I had this happen to me once. I was close friends with a guy I'd gotten to know through friends - going lifting, hiking, running, all kinds of things you'd do with a good buddy. One day he surprised me by asking to take things to a different level (oral sex, to be plain spoken about it). I was so stunned, I just laughed it off, in kind of a breezy way, as I was leaving. I didn't realize how hurt this guy was, and possibly humiliated, embarrassed. He never spoke to me again. I'm still not sure what I should have done differently, exactly.

    In your case - be as diplomatic and kind as you can. I like MenInLove's approach (and others above me here). But be prepared for possibly losing a friend, unfortunately.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 28, 2011 3:22 PM GMT
    "I don't wish to go out with you anymore."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 28, 2011 3:22 PM GMT
    Haaretz said"I don't wish to go out with you anymore."
    icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 28, 2011 3:27 PM GMT

    Hmmm....the OP did ask, "How do I turn down a date that I previously accepted without hurting the person?


    Surely this is do-able. I think you can be up-front and warm and kind all at the same time. If you conduct yourself this way and he's still hurt that's his issue. This is a first date not a marriage proposal. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug