Real Jock, Thank You!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 29, 2011 1:59 PM GMT
    If you hide behind the man you want to be, you will never become him.

    All my life I have very deeply and very honestly felt that no man or anyone for that matter could love me. I had some hardships growing up that set that mindset in motion, but I truly believed I would be alone.

    So I lied! I was used to it, I had been lying all my life hiding my real person so my parents, friends, and even myself wouldn’t see the real me. A young gay man.

    When I accepted myself and came out, even at the early age of 15 I already had the predefined mindset of no one will ever love or care about you. I hated myself and I really wanted someone in my life, so I hid my "imperfections". I was used to keeping secrets and lying was so natural at this point that it became automatic. I had been lying to hide sexuality, now I was lying to avoid confrontation, neglect in any form, and to create a persona that anyone could fall for.

    I hid creativity, my opinions, and myself.

    I could make any man fall for me. A whisper in there ear, a glance from my eye, a slight smile that held a romantic yet mysterious allure to it. I could get anyone I wanted straight or gay to move in on me and grab the bait.

    I have cheated on every guy I have ever been with. I would create a relationship to fill a hole in my life. But they never quite fit. Just as you cannot cram two puzzle pieces together without it destroying the puzzle, you cannot fill a missing void in yourself with someone else. I never let people get to know "ME" and so they all lost interest.

    A few years back I started a profile on this site. I started one on many sites! On everyone the same well thought out description to grab people’s attention. Playing mind games with the fluidity of my words. But there was something I posted here that I hadn’t anywhere else. A picture. Not of me, but of a star. The same that is my profile picture now. The one and only glimpse into me, into my creativity.

    A few months passed and I kept taking down the actual pictures of me until the star was all that was left. And someone messaged me. Just out of curiosity as to what it was that drew me to draw it.

    ............................
    To sum this up, it’s been a few years since then. We now live together, and we are moving to California next month. I feel more alive than I have in the entirety of my life. I am at peace with myself and I enjoy the time I spend with myself now, where as I would always be anxious and bored prior. I know no matter what happens I will be ok.

    I am not in love with him, not fully anyways. But I know I love him for who he is and I know he feels the same. All I know is we got a long road ahead and the more time we spend together the closer we will become.

    Be true to yourself. Don’t just accept yourself for being gay, that’s not the half of it. accept yourself for being who you are.

    Thank you for a wonderful website through which I met my man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 29, 2011 2:38 PM GMT
    Aww congrats man. Cute story. Best of luck in California....
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    Nov 29, 2011 3:07 PM GMT

    "I could get anyone I wanted straight or gay to move in on me and grab the bait."

    *stage whisper* they weren't straight; you just thought so. icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 29, 2011 3:45 PM GMT
    You've learned alot for someone so young. Good luck to you and your partner.
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    Nov 29, 2011 5:20 PM GMT
    Good for you! Nice story icon_smile.gif
  • Sportsfan1

    Posts: 479

    Nov 29, 2011 7:35 PM GMT
    Wishing you all the best! What courage to write about yourself in such an open way. Today my parents celebrate their 64th wedding anniversary. I know that these milestones can only be achieved by two people who truly care for one another. Good luck in your relationship.
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    Nov 29, 2011 10:17 PM GMT
    yourname2000 saidSo beautifully written! Big congrats and big hugs.

    And to think, the first post of yours I recall was when that really weird person was stalking you on here (the person who kinda looked like a vampire, remember?? haha)

    Be well! Hope your journey to Cali is just another great adventure in your liberated life. icon_biggrin.gif


    Yes although it was not my first post haha but the guy was really creepy.

    Thank you for your comments I could have easily kept writing it but I figured no one wanted to read a huge story haha
  • carew28

    Posts: 661

    Dec 02, 2011 9:26 PM GMT
    LONEwolf,

    I think I remember your first post, it was the one about liking masculine-acting guys. It raised quite a ruckus on this site. Your spelling's a lot better now than it was then. Have a nice time out in sunny California while we're freezing our butts off here in another New England winter.

    Take care of yourself, and good luck.
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    Dec 06, 2011 12:03 PM GMT
    I know it's probably too late to say anything but I just have to say this...
    I wish you the best in your new journey and I'm happy you found happiness in your life. May it be rich and full of good times to come. icon_smile.gif