love, cheating, and growing up

  • Lawrencium

    Posts: 63

    Nov 29, 2011 11:10 PM GMT
    So I have been dating a guy for about 13 months, the last six of which have been long-distance (only three hours, but sucks nonetheless). Our relationship started very slowly, with about three-four months of texting and no real encounters. He had just moved to the state and was going through some hard times so we talked a considerable amount on a daily basis. Then, one day, we coincidentally ended up at the same amusement park and met face-to-face for the first time. I don't want to say love at first sight, but it was something kind of like that.

    On 10/10/10 we officially started dating. He used the "L" word very early on in the relationship, within the first three weeks....I mostly chucked this up to the loneliness of being in a new place but over the next few months, he made me believe that he really meant it. Was the sweetest guy ever; sent me cards and gift boxes all the time, would surprise me after class and in all honesty, I feel in love with him very quickly. The first problem we ran into came when I graduated college; from what I can understand he had convinced himself that when the time came for me to graduate, I would want to move away and end the relationship; I don't think he really understood that I meant "I love you" when I said it, more or less thought that I was saying it to appease him.

    On the other hand I though that graduation was going to be a great step forward for us; I would get my own place and have a place for us to stay whenever and when he was ready to move out of his parents house, my place could be a viable option. Therein came the biggest miscommunication; it was like he had mentally broken up with me, the lovey-dove-iness stopped, almost completely and instantaneously. Seeing as I was in love with him, I was determined to figure out what had happened and try to work through it. I could still tell he loved me, I knew what was going on in his head and I knew that he was simply terrified of getting hurt and was trying to run before it happened.

    Well about a month of absolute hell ensued, he was basically being an outright ass for no reason, but we managed to talk through it and figure things out. I rationalized that him losing feelings for me was part of something he was going through (his family is very religious and strangely close- he came out to him and they said excommunication or back in the closet, this is when he was 17 and told them, he has a hard with this on a daily basis). The next couple of months went along pretty well, with our only problems arising from things that I think all long-distance relationships suffer from. However there was something definitely different about him, it was an underlying guilt that I could see in everything he did (with or without me).

    Well, on this past Sunday he confessed that he had had oral sex with two guys during that "month of hell." The guilt had been eating him up inside and was adversely affecting the relationship. Now I believe in second chances, and there are times when I did things that seriously upset him (never cheated on him) but put myself in situations that would have made that a real possibility. At any rate I believe I can get over this, I've had a lot of guys do a lot worse and gotten over it, and NONE of them would I put on the same level as my current bf in terms of being a good person or having desirable personality traits.

    But, I feel like I am trying to fix him, to fix us right now when in all reality, even though I can get over this whole cheating thing, he should be trying to fix us. I will admit that the lines of communication between us have flourished since Sunday.

    So do I fight for the man that I love (as I have been doing more or less for 6 months now) and help him get through this tough growing up period that we all go through, or do I say fuck it, and let him wallow in misery, loneliness and disbelief.

    If this had happened with the first guy you really fell in love with, would you give up?

  • Nov 30, 2011 2:41 AM GMT
    Wow I can relate to this whole heartedly. Both young dealing with the turmoil of coming out , one graduating college ...sounds all to familiar. I kept saying I was going to fight for love .....he confessed that he had given some guy a bj .... Turned out later on it was multiple sexual encounters. Honestly I sat there and tortured myself over what to do ? Being first love and all that... I ended up dragging out something and it got much worse . I feel guys our age cannot be in a relationship nless each one is 110% into it. The distance only complicates things. Do what your guts telling you, I always knew I was cheated on but didn't want to admit it. U think u can't get better , u will and u will be much happier . Good luck with your tough decisons
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Nov 30, 2011 8:30 AM GMT
    Wow, I do not know what to say about this one buddy. Normally, I would say run and run fast. However, he did confess to you what he did. I guess the thing is do you want to give him a second chance. Ultimately, you have to be the one that decides if he is worth it. I wish you the luck.
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    Nov 30, 2011 3:10 PM GMT
    I think there are two school of thoughts of this:

    1) There comes a point when you just get tired of being the person holding the relationship together. If you've gone past that point for a long time, then it may not be worth it anymore. They always say a relationship is a two way street so unless your bf starts putting in some effort, then it may not be worth sticking around. Life/time is precious, why waste it with someone who just makes you miserable all the time.

    2) Love conquers all. You love him afterall so you should stick with him through thick and thin and hope that one day things will become better. He will one day sort out his personal problems (everyone does eventually). Sometimes people are too fickle and run away or break off a relationship because not everything's happy/perfect and so they don't find long lasting relationships.

    I used to believe in #2 (late teen's and early 20's), but as I got older and more experienced I find myself leaning towards #1. I had a 6 year relationship believing in #2. Lately, I haven't been in long lasting relationships at all but this is OK for me for the time being while I'm still in my late 20's. It'll be up to you to decide ultimately.
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    Nov 30, 2011 3:22 PM GMT
    I think you're trying to control him. Perhaps you need to talk to him more openly on what your expectations are. You're 3 hours away. Did you ever discuss what would be appropriate for each of you in relieving sexual frustration? I don't think a bj is an end all in a relationship.

    He came clean, that means something. You're young and I'm assuming he is too. You both have a lot to learn on what a relationship is, means, entails but the first thing is to really open up and talk about what it is that bothers you, things you like, expectations you have, deal breakers each of you has. Don't shut down when he (or you) say things that the other doesn't like either. You can't control each other, you can only work together to strengthen and work with what you have.
  • Lawrencium

    Posts: 63

    Dec 01, 2011 2:02 AM GMT
    Sorry I haven't responded gentlemen, and thank you so much for the advice; glad some people seemed to have taken a genuine interest and sympathized, I appreciate it.

    Well I ended up breaking up with him....and not because of the cheating. In all honesty that was the last thing on my mind. I ended it because he just isnt the person I agreed to be in a relationship with anymore, although that doesn't mean I don't still love him. I told him I thought it best if we both figured ourselves out first and if he feels he has returned to his normal self again (he admits to having changed and not liking the person he has become) then if he feels its right to contact me.

    And yes, I did, and still do, prescribe to the "love conquers all" school of thought, and he did once as well. I pray and hope that he believes that again because (and I know this sounds cliche and trite) but he is different than any other guy that I have ever met; what's most important though is that he is special, unique and perfect in my eyes, and I mean what else can you ask for? And yes, we are both young, but I have been through a lot of weird/interesting/growing relationships that have taught me a lot, and I've known many-a-gay, and if he was some run of the mill guy, i would have ended it a long time ago....likely when I graduated.

    And to the above poster, with regards to the how to relieve sexual frustration, call me old fashioned but I feel that after a year of dating, whether long-distance or together, monogamy is really the only answer. Besides, God gave us two hands, and when you really need something new switch to the left.

    Not going to lie, breaking up with him was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I think it was the best move for us and I hope that I was right. What sucks the most, is that he once asked me to never give up on him, he warned me that he would try to run and wanted me to fight for him always. I can't help but feel that I let him down.
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    Dec 01, 2011 2:14 AM GMT
    larse88 said
    If this had happened with the first guy you really fell in love with, would you give up?


    See this is where it gets tricky. I can understand that nobody is perfect but it wasn't just one guy. It was TWO and that is more than enough to just say, "I'm sorry, I love you, but I love myself more." You can forgive him if you'd like, but if you were really worth it to him, he'd make sure he wouldn't mess things up, no matter how tempted he was. It's all about self-control: if he is more concerned about getting his sexual needs satisfied above your 13-month relationship, and can't because you're not close enough, then he's just not worth it.

    Do yourself a favor and save yourself from the heartache.


    Best of luck to you.

    -J