A lot of people complain about things like this, but I don't have an answer.
I don't think you can blame gay culture or "the scene." It's hard for guys like us who aren't into what people commonly refer to as gay society, but that's not the fault of people who do enjoy those things. It's usually just easier for them because they have a place to go where they can meet like-minded people, and maybe sometimes that makes us a little resentful.
People who are just into hookups tend to have it easier. Find a person who attracts you who just wants sex too. Search over.
The biggest culprit is probably the millenia of anti-gay sentiment that shoved us into the shadows, making it impossible to find each other. It's getting better as we are increasingly about to live out in the open. New types of gay groups, like sports clubs, are popping up, allowing us to find other gay people who share our same interests. It's not much comfort, though, when you're feeling lonely and finding hard to meet the right kind of person.
Side Note - As a computer geek, I'd love to be able to say that technology has the answers for us. It does open the doors to meet people that you might otherwise not run into, but it's far from perfect. Despite what the ads say, you can't distill someone down to a profile and then search other profiles to find the perfect computer-generated match.
This response turned out to be a lot longer than I expected. Semi-rant over.