Sexless relationship.

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    Nov 30, 2011 11:41 AM GMT
    Hi all,

    I am new to the forum so I hope I am posting this on the correct forum.

    My partner and I have been together for the last 7 years. He is on chronic medication and due to this his libido has decreased drasticlly, it is so bad that we have sex maybe once every two months. Here is what hurts me the most: when I am having a bath in the evening he will be in bed watching porn. By the time I get into bed he just rolls around and fall asleep. I am starting to think that he is not attracted to me anymore...Can anybody help with some advice PLEASE?
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    Nov 30, 2011 11:49 AM GMT
    Talk to him about it. It's the only way to really understand. Maybe he feels inadequate 'cause of the mood the meds are putting him in.
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    Nov 30, 2011 11:52 AM GMT
    According to the doc, it will be for the rest of his life. How would I even start to bring this topic up and engage in a coversation? It is such a sensitive issue.icon_sad.gif
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    Nov 30, 2011 12:05 PM GMT
    Yes, it will be daunting for you. But at least you've been together for a long time, so you obviously care for each other. If you don't want to talk to him about it, perhaps consult your doctor? Tell them he's lost enthusiasm and it's difficult for both of you as partners. Like you said, it's a nasty issue to be faced with, but the doctor should be able to help icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 30, 2011 12:13 PM GMT
    I agree, our doctor should be able to steer us in the right direction. Thanks for your advice. Much appreciated.icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 30, 2011 12:32 PM GMT
    No problem, just remember that meds can make people behave very differently from their usual self (that's based on personal experience). Don't lose faith in him.
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    Nov 30, 2011 2:23 PM GMT
    If you've been together for seven years, I don't see why you wouldn't be able to talk about anything...
  • Dominican_Gen...

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    Nov 30, 2011 3:21 PM GMT
    SFYogi saidIf you've been together for seven years, I don't see why you wouldn't be able to talk about anything...


    Exactly. And if the doctor/physicologist doesn't give you much hope maybe it is time to start discussing an open relationship.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Nov 30, 2011 3:28 PM GMT
    momo011 saidHi all,

    I am new to the forum so I hope I am posting this on the correct forum.

    My partner and I have been together for the last 7 years. He is on chronic medication and due to this his libido has decreased drasticlly, it is so bad that we have sex maybe once every two months. Here is what hurts me the most: when I am having a bath in the evening he will be in bed watching porn. By the time I get into bed he just rolls around and fall asleep. I am starting to think that he is not attracted to me anymore...Can anybody help with some advice PLEASE?
    Dude, I say talk to him. Tell him how it makes you feel when he does that. Find out if he still sexually attracted to you? Ask the same questions that you asked us. If does not give you the answers that you are looking for than suggest seeing a couple therapist
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    Nov 30, 2011 3:39 PM GMT
    Any relationship with no sex is a relationship in serious danger... Bottom line.

    And it doesn't matter how high minded either person is, how understanding they claim to be or want to be, or how "above it" they are... Without that basic level of intimacy, whatever the causes, if the problem isn't fixed then the relationship's days are numbered.
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    Nov 30, 2011 4:00 PM GMT
    SFYogi saidIf you've been together for seven years, I don't see why you wouldn't be able to talk about anything...



    qft, and there's been no mention in your post of either romance or demonstrations of affection between you. Good sex alone does not a relationship make. icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 30, 2011 4:10 PM GMT
    SFYogi saidIf you've been together for seven years, I don't see why you wouldn't be able to talk about anything...
    Exactly Yogi but then I'm finding that many people can't (or won't) talk despite being frustrated until 'the pot boils over' and it ends up as another world war.

    Perhaps the meds are playing some part but if he's looking at porn while you're showering and he's enjoying it then it's more than the meds in my opinion.

    Perhaps he's not sexually attracted to you after 7 years and that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, it just means 'it' is old and not doing it for him. You need to talk to him about what would excite him, what his fantasies are and if he could do anything sexually, what would he like. You have to be open to listening and not judgmental and most likely you will not like his answer (if he's willing to give you the truth). You need to discuss your sex life and what each of you needs. Clearly your sexual needs are NOT being met and that is affecting your relationship. Does that mean you don't love him or he you? No, not at all, that just means that the physical side of the relationship isn't fulfilling. So fix it! You can't fix it with us or by getting off to porn, you need to fix it with him by acknowledging it. Perhaps porn is enough for him, OK. Perhaps it's enough for you, but if not then what do you need, how can you get it, what will you do if he can't or won't provided it and is it a deal breaker in the relationship?

    I'm thinking therapist for both of you on how to communicate first, then work on the sex later.
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    Nov 30, 2011 4:13 PM GMT
    Larkin_PLR saidAny relationship with no sex is a relationship in serious danger... Bottom line.

    And it doesn't matter how high minded either person is, how understanding they claim to be or want to be, or how "above it" they are... Without that basic level of intimacy, whatever the causes, if the problem isn't fixed then the relationship's days are numbered.
    I agree with Larkin. Intimacy can be in many different forms and doesn't always need to be 'traditional' in the sense of sex but there needs to be some intimacy between lovers. If one isn't finding it in the relationship, they'll find it elsewhere.

    You'll never know why it's not happening until you both OPEN up and really share your feelings. Think outside the box! TALK!!!
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    Nov 30, 2011 5:47 PM GMT
    I have lost my best friends and recently my father because of "medication". My mother is so drugged up that she does even feel the loss. Looking at the other posts it seems everyone is totally brainwashed by the pharmaceutical based medical profession. Once someone goes on meds they aren't the same person anymore. The solution in this drug based scenario is to have your doctor prescribe something for you so that you will "feel" OK about your partner's behavior.
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    Nov 30, 2011 6:27 PM GMT
    Too many Americans are on medications thanks to the pharmaceutical industry. There are times when they're needed, but doctors and pharmaceutical sales reps have a cozy relationship right now.
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    Nov 30, 2011 6:36 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    SFYogi saidIf you've been together for seven years, I don't see why you wouldn't be able to talk about anything...



    qft, and there's been no mention in your post of either romance or demonstrations of affection between you. Good sex alone does not a relationship make. icon_wink.gif


    I agree with meininlove.

    How else are you and your partner intimate besides full-on sex?

    Good luck!
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    Nov 30, 2011 6:42 PM GMT
    momo011 saidAccording to the doc, it will be for the rest of his life. How would I even start to bring this topic up and engage in a coversation? It is such a sensitive issue.icon_sad.gif




    The mere fact that it's a sensitive issue should be a sign that it's important to clear the air.
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    Nov 30, 2011 6:48 PM GMT
    In reading the previous posts, it looks like a few honest conversations are in order:

    1. With your partner, about the situation, how this makes you feel. What his feelings are, meds aside.

    2. With his doctor, about the side effects of the meds and what the options or
    alternatives might be.

    3. With a therapist, about what can be done to encourage more open conversation and find a route back to a healthy relationship with more intimacy.

    Intimacy isn't always sexual, but a relationship of value must have intimacy and a physical/sexual component.

    Congrats to you for expressing yourself. This is a great forum for that, and you'll get a lot of opinions. The big job is to sort it all out and decide what works best for you. You can only take care of yourself, and it appears that you're trying to do just that.

    Hang in there.
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    Dec 02, 2011 1:29 AM GMT
    In my opinion the watching porn isn't a good sign. It doesn't sound like his libido is necessarily decreased if he's watching it. There's something that's changed between the two of you.

    I was in a relationship with a guy for 3 years and initially we were attracted to each other and things were okay. Not soon after, the physical attraction wore off and I found myself going back to porn which I had looked at often when I wasn't dating. I would feel guilty but I also knew that I was not being fulfilled sexually from my partner. He also had a low libido but I was the one watching porn. I never watched it when we were together, however.

    I think you have to talk to him and ask him if he can get sexual satisfaction from porn, how can the two of you rebuild your sex life so that he doesn't have to depend on porn?