A Message to bi/gay married men - and the men who sleep with them from a bi woman's perspective


  • Dec 01, 2011 11:58 AM GMT
    So aparently for some reason you can write a message and it be deleted on these forums at any time... arghhh

    Anway Hi guys (and any women reading this)

    So just to get a brief background

    The moment i met my husband i told him of my sexuality from the 1st day we met. Bisexual with preference for women!

    He does not have issues regarding this - insecurities or jelousy - its just normal to him and he doesnt have issues.

    During my whole 20's I slept with more women than you can count on your fingers 3 times over - never expected to fall in love with a man or want to marry one

    So I married this man... feel completely monogamous, dont feel the need for anyone else as im happy with my relationship with this man. Holistically, even sexually. It does not confuse me that im bisexual... Id feel this way if i were to be in love with a woman and start a relationship with her.

    My sexuality still after all these years is communicated to my husband as bisexual. I never claim to 'change' for this person... its just too much pressure on them... an expectation almost.

    So long story short having said that... my husband 4 months ago told me of his experiences with men during his early teens and mid 20's.

    This traumatised me... as he had always claimed to be str8 (but he is bisexual - even though he still claims to be str8 ... if any guys can give me advice on this id appreciate it - it confuses me... and it feels like a lie to me)

    I understand the process is hard for men... and that its 'percieved' to be harder to come out to your partners' but please a word of advice

    (TELL THE PERSON YOU MEET FROM THE FIRST DATE - either sex - and if you havent... tell them immediatly and be honest about your feelings. Seriously guys... the information my husband gave me was not easy to digest.. despite the fact that im bisexual myself. I felt like he wasnt honest from the beginning and that is so important to women, and some men. I wish he had told me from day one

    This information to me would of been normal - we could explore that issue freely and without judgement as you dont know the person with little attachment. And it if he truely still identifies as str8 - why were these experiences 'hidden' from me

    So I'm an intelligent woman and i know that restraints of society - religion dont allow men to fully identify as bisexual - but i kno he is bisexual... im not stupid.

    If the person from the 1st Date - or your partner of so many months - doesnt accept this... you can walk away and find someone else that can accept you for who you truely are - there is no attachment at that time -

    my husband does accepts it without issue - and because of my past im learning to accept the truth for my husband - as we both love each other deeply and feel sexually satisfied.

    My ideas are about loving the person at the time, if your bisexual. and we dont pressure each other for the forever idea that monogmous relationships go through - taking away the feeling of being stuck forever is wrong - think as long as we are both healthy and happy and working through our relationship and not shutting down - then we can evaluate our life constantly and know what is right for us at the right time.

    Thanks guys for reading this... i hope this hasnt hurt anyone's feelings as my point is to empower readers to have courage in their endevours of beings who love people.

    Feel free in your sexuality, the concept of 'coming out' is just so absurd. Dont come out to your family if you feel ultimate rejection - if they cant handle it - they will confront you gently in time if they have their knowings about your sexuality - and you will know in your heart what to do - but i know people who have fulfilling lives expressing their true sexuality without being 'out'

    And not putting a woman (and most times children) in the position to hide - this is so important - this is abuse if you know your GAY and marrying a woman.

    Your co abusing - oppressing women for the sake of 'family acceptance' or the need to hide your 'true sexual life'

    And COME OUT - if you want... and can handle the world -

    I 'came out' - i had to or i would burst

    Work around it... empower yourselves... work out how to 'just be' without putting anyone through hardship - because eventually your wife will find out!!

    Peace out to all of you and it would be nice to hear some responses and ideas.

    And be gentle!!

  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Dec 01, 2011 12:53 PM GMT
    tldr
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    Dec 01, 2011 2:22 PM GMT


    Thanks BiWoman82, it's nice to get another perspective. Good post. icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 01, 2011 2:31 PM GMT
    If he had told you on the first date, would you still have married him?
    For some reason, I don't think so.
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    Dec 01, 2011 2:34 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidIf he had told you on the first date, would you still have married him?
    For some reason, I don't think so.



    I, on the other hand, do think she would have married him, being Bi herself.

    I think this is more about honesty than sexual orientation. Honestly is a fundamental in a good relationship, yes? icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 01, 2011 2:42 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    paulflexes saidIf he had told you on the first date, would you still have married him?
    For some reason, I don't think so.



    I, on the other hand, do think she would have married him, being Bi herself.

    I think this is more about honesty than sexual orientation. Honestly is a fundamental in a good relationship, yes? icon_wink.gif
    Considering how hard she's taking it, I don't think she would have accepted it to begin with. It sounds like she wanted to know up front so she could dump him early. She "says" she understands how much harder it is for men, but I don't think she does. If she did, she'd accept his lateness at coming out with understanding and compassion instead of posting a rant thread on a gay site.
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    Dec 01, 2011 2:51 PM GMT
    I agree with some of the things you mentioned However some women don't actually take the news of having a bisexual boyfriend/husband lightly or will even accept it without restrictions or total "transformations"

    I'm always faithful and I don't go around playing with the other sex when I'm in a committed relationship whether be with a guy or gal so the need to get the approval of my significant other is not needed much less restrictions.

    It would be the ideal world if you as women can accept that we have had slept with men before you and that we find them attractive just like I find you attractive. I was lucky to had 3 previous girlfriends who understood my sexuality and trusted me without passing judgement.

    If your husband has have sex with men he's not straight. He's bisexual. He may be telling you this because either A- he refuse to accept himself or B- he wants to assure you that no man will ever be in his life again while he's with you.
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    Dec 01, 2011 2:59 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    meninlove said
    paulflexes saidIf he had told you on the first date, would you still have married him?
    For some reason, I don't think so.



    I, on the other hand, do think she would have married him, being Bi herself.

    I think this is more about honesty than sexual orientation. Honestly is a fundamental in a good relationship, yes? icon_wink.gif
    Considering how hard she's taking it, I don't think she would have accepted it to begin with. It sounds like she wanted to know up front so she could dump him early. She "says" she understands how much harder it is for men, but I don't think she does. If she did, she'd accept his lateness at coming out with understanding and compassion instead of posting a rant thread on a gay site.


    Her issue is about communication, honesty and trust.
  • Brookstone76

    Posts: 4

    Dec 01, 2011 5:20 PM GMT
    I'm BI and it took me years to understand that. For a while I thought I was straight and then I thought I was gay. The problem was, I liked women too much but I also liked men. What to do?? I am BI now and I accept it but it takes some men a long time to figure that out. I bet your husband was actually being honest with you and coming out to you which I'm sure it was hard to do. It's not easy telling a girl you're bi. Society still thinks 'bi' people are actually gay people who haven't accepted their sexuality....not true! If you're 100% gay or straight you're OK but if you're BI...you're confused. Give him a break and see if you two can sit down and just discuss it without anyone taking it personally. I don't think this was as much about you but more about him coming clean to the person he cares about.

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    Dec 01, 2011 6:39 PM GMT
    Thanks for the heads up OP. Definitely very enlightening; made me consider other perspectives, as I had always thought of doing what your husband did if I were to have a girlfriend. I guess it is indeed a selfish thing to withhold this sort of information. It's a bit hard if you're not out though.

  • Dec 03, 2011 2:44 AM GMT
    Awwwwwwwwwwwww u guys are all just beautiful. Thanks so much for all the replies... and yes they were gentle but I am dealing with amazing bi/gay men icon_smile.gif

    My point in this reply was to YES make it clear that the truth from the moment you meet is essential...

    I WOULD OF DEFINITLY MARRIED MY HUSBAND - to me he is like a half man/half woman... without being 'camp' or whatever anyone wants to call it. He is the most beautiful sensitive and extremely attractive man. :p

    So yes i still would of married him

    BUT if he had told me 'initially' it would of been just usual information... as wen your bisexual your whole world is alternative and queer... and ive dated bisexual men before in my life... i mean if i didnt id be a hypocryte... and it would show my level of growth and consciousness if i rejected another person who was bisexual?

    If i rejected him I would not be worthy

    The idea of men having sex doesnt even turn me off... although i wouldnt partake with my partner as i feel monogamous towards him and he expresses the need 'not to explore' further with men... whether that is true or not 'meh' time will tell... and i just need to trust my husband from here onwards.

    If he cheats man or woman? He's a cheater... not reflective of his sexuality...

    AND... the point of my topic is to just express to you guys that there are women who are cool with it... even str8 women... (some of my girlfriends have been with men who wanted to hve open relationships) they exist... they are out there... but its not gonna do you any favours to not express who you are ... especially if you like that person (either sex) ... when ur bi some gay men feel quite insecure about that also... as ive experienced from the men in my life.


    Thanks so much guys honestly... just for reading and for your responses... its helped alot.

    My partner identifying as being bisexual or not isnt concerning me anymore... i know each persons path to identifying their sexuality is in their own time / AND maybe my partner just doesnt want to label himself? I know it comes from fear but in reality we are all people who love people (as i stated bfr i labeled myself for so long and then fell in love with man - was weird LOL) - but i knew i loved both sexes.

    So if the person doesnt want anything to do with you from the get go ... well He/She can go f**k themselves and be insecure with another person... not you!

    I just wanted honesty... so later on i didnt feel like it was a 'hidden' lie... (EVEN THOUGH I UNDERSTAND CULTURAL RESTRICTIONS)

    So I can appreciate its hard... but its WAY HARDER if she/he finds out later and you want to genuinly be with person and in the end... this ruins your relationship

    Hope this explains further... THANKS AGAIN GUYS