Would you date a guy going through a divorce?

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    Dec 01, 2011 5:38 PM GMT
    Conventional wisdom would suggest that I should wait till the divorce was behind me. Could also see the risks a guy dating me would be taking: exposure to some unplesant feelings on my part at times; being the rebound guy; dealing with someone coming to terms with his sexuality late in life. Major red flags I would think. On the plus side, it could be a bounding experience, in particular knowing that someone cared enough to stand with me in the experience. And my breakup, while difficult, is not in the least bit acrimonious (at least not yet). Your thoughts and pitfalls...
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    Dec 01, 2011 5:41 PM GMT
    we should talk one day... going thru the same thing... been out for jut over 1 yr... and had a bf, for roughly the same time. Its hard, hang in.

    cheers;
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    Dec 01, 2011 5:51 PM GMT
    Thanks Hairy. Have met quiet a few guys on this site that have traveled this path. I'll drop you a line.
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    Dec 01, 2011 6:01 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidmaybe ... depends on the guy and my feelings for him


    So sounds like you would not rule it out. Any concerns that someone like me is just figuring out who he is (with respect to sexuality), while you have been comfortable with you sexuality for many years. In essence, you would be reliving the 'coming out' experience, a transition I'm sure is long past for you.
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    Dec 01, 2011 6:02 PM GMT
    The recent break up of a guy having been living a gay life would put me on caution not because of the recent break up as I am not jealous of the love one person has for another, but for the rebound issues, for I'd rather not be defined in the other guy's mind as surrogate for something lost.

    A recent break up of a gay guy having lived a str8 life would put me on caution because I would expect that person now to be more freely exploring this aspect of oneself and I would neither want to interfere with that nor would I want to attach myself to someone who could so easily hurt me should he find someone more suitable down the line.
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    Dec 01, 2011 6:27 PM GMT
    theantijock saidThe recent break up of a guy having been living a gay life would put me on caution not because of the recent break up as I am not jealous of the love one person has for another, but for the rebound issues, for I'd rather not be defined in the other guy's mind as surrogate for something lost.

    A recent break up of a gay guy having lived a str8 life would put me on caution because I would expect that person now to be more freely exploring this aspect of oneself and I would neither want to interfere with that nor would I want to attach myself to someone who could so easily hurt me should he find someone more suitable down the line.


    Ant, you make an excellent point, and one that is on my mind. I know myself well enough to know that I desire monogomy and have an LTR mindset. At the same time, there is a side of me that is almost like a kid in a candy store. I have had some propositions which I admit have been enticing, but I have refrained, as I imagine there would be an emotional impact (at least for me). Its a bit frustrating to, at my age, want to sow some wild oats. Especially as it is in conflict with my desire to be settled with a loving partner.
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    Dec 01, 2011 6:35 PM GMT
    TriAthInCA said
    ...I desire monogomy and have an LTR mindset. At the same time, there is a side of me that is almost like a kid in a candy store. ....


    Stuck between your rock and your hard place. You're a smart guy with a good heart. You'll figure it out.
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    Dec 01, 2011 7:07 PM GMT
    Going through a divorce? No
  • Suetonius

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    Dec 01, 2011 7:17 PM GMT
    TriAthInCA said
    theantijock saidIts a bit frustrating to, at my age, want to sow some wild oats. Especially as it is in conflict with my desire to be settled with a loving partner.

    You would put your life on hold for up to a year and half? You could have met your partner last month, last week, today, tomorrow, or next week. And if you rule out meeting anyone until after a divorce is final, there is the possibility that you may well miss one, because you were not open to meeting him.
    As to sowing oats, you can't reap your crop until after you sow the oats. Except for an arranged marriage, one can't settle down with a long term partner until after one has engaged with him on an intimate level.
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    Dec 01, 2011 7:36 PM GMT
    2 weeks into the separation...and counting.
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    Dec 01, 2011 7:42 PM GMT
    @suetonius - I'm inclined not to wait. But recognize the risk someone dating me would be taking. Was kind of wondering whether this was a red flag for guys in general. It looks like it is for some, like Claystion for example.
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    Dec 01, 2011 7:48 PM GMT
    MarriedAdam said2 weeks into the separation...and counting.


    Good luck my friend. I know from previous exchanges you were on the fence on this.
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    Dec 01, 2011 7:53 PM GMT
    My first LTR (and true love) was separated with his wife and had just started divorce proceedings when we met.

    They had two kids which they never fought over, she granted joint physical and financial custody right off the bat. They fought over money for the next six years before they finalized. It was ugly.

    I never met her but she was quite bitter over the gay thing, even though she had a gay brother.
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    Dec 01, 2011 8:00 PM GMT
    sdgman saidMy first LTR (and true love) was separated with his wife and had just started divorce proceedings when we met.

    They had two kids which they never fought over, she granted joint physical and financial custody right off the bat. They fought over money for the next six years before they finalized. It was ugly.

    I never met her but she was quite bitter over the gay thing, even though she had a gay brother.

    So would you do it again?
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    Dec 01, 2011 8:06 PM GMT
    Been through it. Survived and thrived. You will, too.

    My 2 cents is:
    DO be reflective about where you are emotionally, what you're seeking, and what good and bad things you would bring to any new relationships.

    And DO act with integrity based on those reflections.

    But DON'T try to figure out any general rules of thumb or determine what "most guys think," like you're doing here. Not that there's anything unethical about it. Every guy you deal with brings his own mix of desires and baggage that will combine and interact with yours in its own way. You can't possibly figure out general rules that will apply to every situation.

    Your posts on here and your profile show that you're very reflective, full of integrity and deal honestly with other people. So just cling to your principles as you play it by ear.

    You'll be fine. Unless I get my hands on you. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 01, 2011 8:07 PM GMT
    2.5 years divorced. BF for 1 year 1 month. Young guys don't seem to care cause they aren't trying to predict the outcome of everything yet or they arent anxious about the future . In reality nothing ever goes the way you think it will anyway.
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    Dec 01, 2011 8:07 PM GMT
    Having been through this too and supported many guys from RJ going through this, my opinion would be this:

    A guy who is or has just come out is not ready to date anyone. There is much for a guy who has been in a marriage (heterosexual) to experience and be subjected to in order to feel comfortable with entering into their 'new life'. Most married guys come out charging full speed ahead, like a kid in a candy store. I always caution the local trees with knot holes a waist level to be ready. I think this type of activity is normal and, if not destructive, can lend some great experiences for a guy who hasn't been sexually active a lot with other guys. Married guys also tend to 'need' a relationship. As married guys I think we find a comfort zone in having a partner and many married guys immediately emotionally latch on the the first guy(s) that show them any feelings of care at all. Few of these tend to end up as LTR. Many married guys have their hearts broken and feel like they've been used in the process.

    My suggestion is that you go out and meet people, be active with others, have fun, including sexually, be safe but don't start a relationship until you've been out awhile, completed the divorce process and 'caught up' on the many years you've been in the closet. Go experience those things you think will excite you, look outside the box (your comfort zone) and don't tie yourself down with someone who has already experienced all these things that you've only dreamt of.

    Additionally, you have ties to your ex and possibly children that you have to consider also. Dating right away can lead to anxiety on both side (ex and beau) for not being able to make commitments or being 'pre-occupied'. This can only lead to tension, anger, jealousy and bitterness that may affect a lot in the long run.

    Take care of the divorce, finalize that part of your life while enjoying new things and then when that's over and behind you, move on to seriously establishing your new life.
  • calibro

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    Dec 01, 2011 8:11 PM GMT
    my first bf i met while he was in the middle of his divorce... i was young and believed in stupid things. it ended miserably, but there were some lovely moments and he is still a friend to this day. but after going through it i learned it's pretty much impossible for it to work out simply because how can someone put the effort into making a relationship with you while they're still involved with another?
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    Dec 01, 2011 8:27 PM GMT
    TriAthInCA said
    theantijock saidThe recent break up of a guy having been living a gay life would put me on caution not because of the recent break up as I am not jealous of the love one person has for another, but for the rebound issues, for I'd rather not be defined in the other guy's mind as surrogate for something lost.

    A recent break up of a gay guy having lived a str8 life would put me on caution because I would expect that person now to be more freely exploring this aspect of oneself and I would neither want to interfere with that nor would I want to attach myself to someone who could so easily hurt me should he find someone more suitable down the line.


    Ant, you make an excellent point, and one that is on my mind. I know myself well enough to know that I desire monogomy and have an LTR mindset. At the same time, there is a side of me that is almost like a kid in a candy store. I have had some propositions which I admit have been enticing, but I have refrained, as I imagine there would be an emotional impact (at least for me). Its a bit frustrating to, at my age, want to sow some wild oats. Especially as it is in conflict with my desire to be settled with a loving partner.



    I certainly know what you are going thru. I went thru that 10 years ago...married for 19 years and raised a daughter. What I experienced from a 5 year relationship was that he was so worried that I had not sown my wild oats that he kept being insecure with it. The fact was that I felt freed for the first time but wisdom kept me aware of what I truly wanted: a LTR with a guy that enjoyed life, sex and having a meaningful relationship. Even though there were feelings about going sex crazy because I was truly now being authentic I didn't. I wanted to enjoy sex alot with a guy I was attracted to and keep it monogamous because I knew myself well enough to understand that's truly how I could enjoy it to the fullest. I had experienced a loving relationship with a woman but didn't have the sexual satisfaction. Now I could have it all. Just because I was now accepting being gay (actually bisexual...still get attracted to particular women) didn't mean that I was going to throw out all of the things I valued morally for myself.
    All in all I believe a man has to really meditate and know what allows his fullest expression of balance and contentment. Not thinking things thru or just fulfilling short term desires has caused many people to wreck their lives and in the long run sabatoge their futures by compromising their core values. It all depends on getting clear on what you want and what that will look like..from there you can pretty much ascertain what it truly takes to get that and what qualities, behaviors are needed.
    As to the relationship I mentioined earlier I had to finally let him go because the issue (not for me) of me not sowing my oats was more his than mine. That's what he did in the past...and he did it in a BIG way...it wasn't my future.
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    Dec 01, 2011 8:31 PM GMT
    Some great points/feedback:
    @Hickman &@Alpha - I concur, life is rarely scripted. I am a master at winging it.
    @eb925 - I wrestle with the very things you bring up. Can't I just find a really horny guy that wants an LTR, and would be happy doing a lot of wild oats sowing with me icon_twisted.gif. Prospects sleeping around just don't appeal to my personality.
    @calibro: thanks for your candre.
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    Dec 01, 2011 8:43 PM GMT
    @tailpipe: Once again, thanks for your input. We seem to be cut from a similar cloth. It is a quandary though. But life is rarely straight forward. And now I must get off RJs and do some cycling....icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 01, 2011 8:51 PM GMT
    yourname2000 saidConsidering the old adage "all the good one's are married or [straight]", I wouldn't miss an opportunity to date a great guy just because he in the process of getting divorced.

    In the gay world, relationships can end and be wrapped up so quickly that a guy can be "rebounding" with another guy by the end of the week, lol. Divorces can take sooooo long comparatively. It certainly isn't "weird" for two heterosexuals in the middle of a divorce to be starting their new lives with new partners while they're wrapping up the last; I don't see any difference in this situation.

    But most importantly to me: some of these guys are rockstars who are gonna get snapped up quick...you snooze, you lose. icon_twisted.gif


    Yourname, good point. Hopefuly some guy out there will consider me a rock star. I know its not you though, cause you don't like short guys unwilling to wear platformsicon_razz.gif
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    Dec 01, 2011 9:13 PM GMT
    TriAthInCA said
    sdgman saidMy first LTR (and true love) was separated with his wife and had just started divorce proceedings when we met.

    They had two kids which they never fought over, she granted joint physical and financial custody right off the bat. They fought over money for the next six years before they finalized. It was ugly.

    I never met her but she was quite bitter over the gay thing, even though she had a gay brother.

    So would you do it again?


    Sure, but two things. He had known he was gay for a long time and had been in relationships with other guys, he wasn't twisting about his sexuality.

    He had already been separated from his wife for a year and was pretty settled, so there wasn't any "drama".

    I wasn't dragged into the middle of anything so it was fairly easy for me. If there was drama, fighting over the kids, restraining orders, loud fights, that might have changed things. He was settled and knew what he wanted.
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    Dec 01, 2011 10:01 PM GMT
    yourname2000 saidConsidering the old adage "all the good one's are married or [straight]", I wouldn't miss an opportunity to date a great guy just because he in the process of getting divorced.

    In the gay world, relationships can end and be wrapped up so quickly that a guy can be "rebounding" with another guy by the end of the week, lol. Divorces can take sooooo long comparatively. It certainly isn't "weird" for two heterosexuals in the middle of a divorce to be starting their new lives with new partners while they're wrapping up the last; I don't see any difference in this situation.

    But most importantly to me: some of these guys are rockstars who are gonna get snapped up quick...you snooze, you lose. icon_twisted.gif




    Wow.... You see it the way I do. That is why I didn't "wait" ( whatever the fuck that means). I meet and continue to meet way too many guys "waiting" for Mister Right. You really can't manage this process and I believe you lose if you try too. Before you know it you have waited your life away.
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    Dec 01, 2011 10:02 PM GMT
    sdgman said
    TriAthInCA said
    Sure, but two things. He had known he was gay for a long time and had been in relationships with other guys, he wasn't twisting about his sexuality.

    He had already been separated from his wife for a year and was pretty settled, so there wasn't any "drama".
    There is a big difference between someone who's been out a while and someone who's just come out regardless of the stage of the formal divorce. My divorce was 2 years long because of an incompetent attorney (get what you pay for). Being out a year allows you exposure to a lot of things which in turn allows you to begin to better find your place in the gay community. Thing that are acceptable, not acceptable, what your expectations might be with a partner, negotiable and non-negotiable areas of a relationship. Freshly out guys don't have that and really, in my opinion, need to establish those things before jumping from the fire into the frying pan.