Gay Forums - Dating & Relationships - Death of the partner

Death of the partner

Huessein

Posts: 1

Dec 01, 2011 10:19 PM GMT

I was in a relationship of 4 1/2 years. My partner moved 3 years ago from Hollywood to my place here in Berlin, Germany and worked as an english teacher for adults.
Unfortunately he past away from a sudden cardiac death this April. I'm still in grief about my loss, my life is "on pause". Never ever have I thought before, that an emotion like grief can be so intense (in a negative way).
8 months have passed, but I'm still not able to get back to my old life, the pain is still strong and it sucks all my energy. More and more.

I opened this personal topic, because I want to hear from others how they dealt with the pain and grief when they lost a beloved one.
And sorry for my bad english.
Huessein

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Dec 01, 2011 10:31 PM GMT

Huessein,

I'm very very saddened for you. Your reaction is only normal, you are a human being.

I had an ex pass away last year. It was from a relationship 15 years ago and it still hit me hard.

Nobody can tell you how you should/would feel, its intensely personal and your feelings for him are yours alone.

I hope you have someone close to you to talk to, friends to help you fill up your time. Always cherish the time you had with him, that is what is important.

XXXOOO

Doug

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Dec 01, 2011 10:34 PM GMT

how tragic for you. only time can heal a loss like this, and everyone is different. it could take more, or less.... Take care of yourself, give in and let your emotions go when saddened... I hope one day you find the inner strength to move on. You will never replace him, dont try. Enjoy the memories you shared.
my thoughts are with you... good luck.

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Dec 01, 2011 10:36 PM GMT

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Your reaction is normal, so don't think otherwise. 8 months is not a long time at all.
Have you thought of speaking to a counselor who deals in grieving? Friends are good...no, friends are great...but sometimes you may need to speak with someone who has professional training and could perhaps set you up in a group type setting with other people who share your grief.

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Dec 01, 2011 10:41 PM GMT

First off Huessein, I'm sooo sorry to hear about your loss. I wish I could tell you that there was a manual or a plan on how to get through the loss of a lover/partner but to my knowledge, there isn't.

The feelings that grief brings up are extremely difficult to manage and the only thing I can advise you is not to fight them, allow them to surface. If you are angry, sad, or upset at your partner for dying, upset at the world, be ok with that. Get the feelings out. I lost a partner in 1999 to suicide and even though the circumstances differ, the feeling of grief is the same. It felt like I had to learn how to walk all over again. My head was in a fog for a long time and I dont recall months at a time. I was a walking zombie.

I did not talk to anyone for a long time which probably made it harder for me to accept the loss. Talking helps and allowing someone to be there for you is a major benefit. It may feel at times that all you want to do is be alone and cocoon as I once did. If you have people who you feel comfortable to just be and emote with but if so, let them be there for you. Isolating and over processing the past keeps you in the past and stuck.

One day, when the time is right, you may want to talk to others who have lost partners (support groups) or talk to a professional in helping you cope with your feelings. The point is there are people who have experience with these matters who may be able to offer insight to help you process your feelings. The adage that time heals things may seem trivial but each day as you get stronger, you are able to deal with the immediate feelings that surface.

Be gentle with yourself, there will be good and bad days and that's OK

MikemikeMike

Posts: 6932

Dec 01, 2011 10:43 PM GMT

I'm very sorry to hear that and I agree 8 months isn't long at all to grieve. Take time to heal remember the best. I'm sure he would want you to find happiness again.

take care

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Dec 01, 2011 11:12 PM GMT

I'm sorry about your loss. I have never lost a partner or anything. But I have lost a couple of friends, when I was in high school. And both grandma's, one this past May. It is very hard to get through. Having good support from friends and family always seem to work. Talking about the person also helps with the grieving, especially fun stories that can make you laugh even tho they still make you miss the person. I hope you can someday feel better although you will always mis having them in your life.

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Dec 01, 2011 11:20 PM GMT

i'm sorry about your loss....everyone deals with grief individually...some take weeks,others months or even years to get past the worst of it...take your time and grieve..just remember to take care of you...always remember that you and he shared something very special...each other's love...and no one can take that away,and you can't lose that love,ever.....additional note; take time also to CELEBRATE his life...that really helped me when my mother passed away.

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Dec 01, 2011 11:31 PM GMT

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish there was something I could do or say.

hugs...

RSportsguy

Posts: 1925

Dec 02, 2011 12:06 AM GMT

Huessein, I am so sorry for your loss! Everyone is different when it comes to grieving. I wish you the best!

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Dec 02, 2011 12:12 AM GMT

Check your mail.

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Dec 02, 2011 12:13 AM GMT

Hi Hussein--I just lost my dad 2 months ago....and am going thru such a whirlpool of emotions---First it was all about me and my loss, then I was focused on the hope that he was someplace wonderful, better than here....and now as I deal with the reality each day, I sometimes feel guilt for "recovering" from the sadness. And it makes me wonder if I'm that uncaring and unfeeling as a person..I know I'm just going through stages of grief..and I trust that time will make things easier (especially with me trying to being strong for mom).
I say, let the emotions flow---I suppose that's the only and best way to get through things...I DO find moments of great memories, and I manage to get a smile or laugh out every now and then.
Hope you do too.

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Dec 02, 2011 12:16 AM GMT

Everyone grieves in their own way, in their own time.

However, it does sound like you feel like you're still living in week 1. You probably won't ever fully get back to your life as you knew it--and of course you will always feel some sadness when you think back on the wonderful life you had with your partner, but I what I read is that the grief is consuming you.

Sometimes, grief is so large, it needs more than one person to deal with it. I would actually suggest you talk to a counsellor who has experience with grief issues. You are not a freak. You are not unusual, and you are not weak. The loss of a partner is life-altering. You sound like a person who just wants to get back to some normal day-to-day functioning.

It sounds like the mourning is getting in the way of your every day life, eight months later. Recognizing it is important. Now you might consider drawing on the experience of someone who helps people deal with it for a living.

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Dec 02, 2011 12:28 AM GMT

Have you shared this with others? Do you feel better after telling us?

That might be the start of how you can heal. None of us can really understand your loss, but many people are willing to help you in your time of need.

Try talking to your friends about what's happened to you. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, maybe find a therapist to listen to you and keep your life private with them.

cool_swimmer1...

Posts: 35

Dec 02, 2011 1:10 AM GMT

Hey there,

I am VERY sorry to hear this...my heart goes out to you.

The only thing i can tell you is, REMEMBER the good times, and also remember, no matter where you go, no matter what you do, no matter what happens from here on out, he loved you so much. And with that being said..he is no longer here in physical form...but he has never left your heart.

Remember that...love comes from what's inside us...not the physical shell...by our heart and soul...

just remember he's still with you and will never leave you

i wish you all the luck in the world and in the future.

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Dec 02, 2011 3:36 AM GMT

Huessein,
it's is a difficult road to walk, and I'm sorry for your loss.
Like sportsfaninsf, I also lost my partner to suicide and it was the single most traumatic event in my life. My world ended and I saw the future we had planned together drift away.

Grief and healing don't follow any timetable. It took me almost a year before I went to a local widows group. It was a great group and very helpful for me. It was nice to not only be around people who understood what I was going through but also to hear their experiences and how they made it through each day.

Everyone's path is different. I've seen some people heal and move on in months, some in years and some never, sadly. I don't remember much of the first year, it's mostly an empty grey blur. I didn't have energy or motivation for much of anything.

I won't sugar coat it, there will be good days and bad days , and some really bad days, but in time, the good days will outnumber the bad days. The loss still hits me 6 years later, but not like it did at first. I can think about our time together and smile and laugh, and draw strength from those memories.

In your own time, you'll find a "new normal". You'll know it when it happens and you'll know that you really can move forward. You won't forget your partner, and your time together isn't diminished, you are just moving forward to the next chapter.

You'll find your own way to heal, but i agree with everyone else that talking really does help.

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Dec 02, 2011 3:41 AM GMT

Sorry to hear that

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Dec 02, 2011 4:03 AM GMT

Very sorry to hear this... wish I had some magic words to say...
The suggestion above about talking to a professional sounds good, if you are open to that. Beyond that, all I can tell you is the pain eventually stops and the good memories come. I hope they come soon for ya, bud.
Please take care in the meantime. You're in my thoughts and prayers, bud.

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Dec 02, 2011 5:19 AM GMT

Huessein Bill and I are living with knowledge that we are in our 50s and anything can happen, even with keeping yourself in good health. Both of us have been having discussions about how to deal with what you're going through.

Thanks for sharing this. All I can say is, once I am gone, I hope wherever I am I can know Bill isn't suffering and has found someone who will love him, cherish him and treat him hopefully as well as I feel I have, because I know I am only one of several that are the right match for him. I want someone else to be the arms that I won't be able to be, the voice that I won't have, the love I can no longer demonstrate.

grieving for you, and rather choked up

-Doug

scottblue

Posts: 75

Dec 02, 2011 5:24 AM GMT

sorry for your loss its very tuff lost mine 4 years ago .. was killed at his job took a bit to get over after 8 years sending a big hug jeff..

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Dec 02, 2011 6:11 AM GMT

As a human being, I sympathize and empathize with you as much as I can. This is truly the toughest hardship you may face.

Out of this, I hope you find how many people care about you, love you, and desire to be there for you in your time of need, and there after.

In order to go on with your daily life, you have to go back to the beginning. Before loss, before love, and before you knew yourself as well as you did and rediscover you adolescent ideologies. It may help to speak to your inner child who has a simple solution, or you could try and reach forward and think how an older version of yourself would deal with this. Fresh perspective that is still your own is the ray of light that will help you out of this dark part. There is no magical fix, substitution, or resolution. Time, I'm afraid, does heals most wounds after all.

Talking about your feelings, verbalizing them, and getting them all out in front of you is the only way to take hold of the issue, the pain, and slowly allow yourself to let it go. Even if it is at a crawl, it is better to move a little each day than be permanently stuck.

We are here for you, I am here for you if you need to reach out and connect with someone on a human level. That is what we are, human. Nothing more than beings who feel all too deeply in all the wrong times.

-Will

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Dec 02, 2011 6:19 AM GMT

I'm really sorry for your loss. I've never been in your situation so the best advice I can think of is to try to surround yourself with those who care for you.

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Dec 02, 2011 7:04 AM GMT

hey huessein,

i'm very sorry to hear about your loss, it's difficult to deal with a loved one's death, especially in circumstances like yours. i do feel your hurt, because i've been through a similar situation. My boyfriend of 4.5 years died in the cardiac ICU, so i felt very sad when i read your post. It reminded me how tough it was.

Everyone mourns differently, there's no specific time-table when someone should be "over" a boyfriend/partner's death. There will be good days, and some shitty days. It's ok to be sad. This was a person who you loved and loved you in return, not some trick.

I found that being around friends and family (whoever it is you consider family) helped ease some of the burden of pain. Find strength and comfort in your loved ones. And talking about it helps too, like sharing it on here, or with others.

Feel free to send me a message if you need to, even if just to bounce your thoughts around.

much love
adrian

safety43_mma1...

Posts: 4251

Dec 02, 2011 7:10 AM GMT

i sm do sorry for your loss really, u r doing it right take your time that is a big loss to handle so be patient and it will work out in the end.

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Dec 02, 2011 7:19 AM GMT

Although I haven't had any real relationship so I don't know what it's like to lose a partner, I know what it's like to lose someone you really love. My dad died four years ago after being in remission from cancer and having it come back. From that day on I've pretty much been completely broken on the inside and outside, becoming detached from the world. There is a lot more reasoning beyond just him dying, but it's not my place to make this about me.

It's normal to, 8 months down the road, still have that feeling of emptiness inside. But with with said, you have to keep on living and continue to push forward. I learned the hard way that if you don't it will negatively affect your life. Four years later and I openly admit that it really screwed me up when it came to school and focusing on getting a degree, and because of that I'm struggling now just to finish in the spring due to a wasted couple of years of severe depression.

The way we grieve, how it affects us, and how long we do is entirely different for every person. There is no set answer for what is right or wrong. I would just hate to see you, or anyone, ever go through what I had to. To this day I still grieve and miss him a lot, but I learned that I can't stop my life because of it. I know it hurts a ton and it's a struggle every single day, but you have to keep on living. Not just for yourself, but for the love you both shared.

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Death of the partner