Age barriers

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2011 2:58 AM GMT
    I have a hard time understanding why age is such a huge problem for some people. Yes, I understand that an older guy may not want to date a younger guy because he is not mature enough, but i become confused when this remains the case even when the older guy knows the younger guys acts mature for his age. Not saying im in this situation...but i could be icon_wink.gif

    I can also see that a significant age difference means that both are in different stages of life, and this could present a problem...but can it be overcome? I think if there is mutual attraction, age should be insignificant...hey the relationship may not work out but whats the real harm in trying?

    what do you guys think..? Can an age difference be overcome in a relationship? How many years apart do you think draws the line? Help me understand!
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    Dec 02, 2011 3:23 AM GMT
    Of course you can overcome age difference.

    When I was your age, I dated someone who was 10 years older and it was a great 2 year long term relationship.

    Now I'm dating a different guy who is also 10 years older and things are going really well but it has only been 6 months.

    What I've noticed is that these older guys are in a different stage of their lives that's for sure. When I was 18, I was just getting out of high school and my bf at the time already worked and had his own apartment. I also thought of him as extremely knowledgeable, smart and well spoken-written, and in fact I aspired to be like him when I "grow up".

    Now I'm dating this guy 10 years older and I also look up to him in some ways. He's been through so much. He's an ex military guy, has his own house, has a day job, runs a side business and still finds time for us to be together.

    Anyways, I'm rambling. You can overcome it if both people are willing (but the older guy has to give you a chance). Personally, I draw the line at about 10 years give or take a few years.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Dec 02, 2011 5:38 AM GMT
    There have been recent threads on the age thing - see:
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1886332
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1866374
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1934437

    Think of age like race or hair color - everyone has their preferences. A sizeable age difference means nothing to some guys, but means a lot to others. There is no set limit to how much older/younger one can be - it just depends on the two guys involved. I have a friend who is 80, who has been in a relationship with a guy about 30 years younger - they have been together, relatively happily, for about 30 years. This kind of age difference is not common in relationships, but it happens. There is even a website (which I have seen, but can't remember the url for) for younger and older guys seeking each other out.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Dec 02, 2011 5:47 AM GMT
    In terms of older people being less willing to date (especially "seriously" date) younger persons part of it (if the guy's half decent) will be fear of hurting the younger person.

    Most healthy people have gone through a lot over their life in different relationships and developed a lot. Partly through failures. They've also learned to guard parts of their heart/soul and to control their expectations. They also probably have memories of being or having hurt people when they were younger.

    Getting into a serious relationship with someone much younger just doesn't seem fair to them in some ways. They are under preparred (even if they are more "mature" there's only so much experience you can acquire over a given amount of time).

    Is that legitimate? Maybe. Maybe not. The younger person will have to go through difficult times regardless of who he goes with them through. It's hard not to feel a little guilty though, especially when you can easily go from a position of simple experience to one of "emotional power". Deciding whether or not you're being unfair, by leading someone on, etc. It becomes more difficult to decipher when you're more experienced than another.

    That said. If everyone goes in with good earnest intentions, so what? (or so I'm inclined to think) But any decent older guy will angst over these things.
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    Dec 02, 2011 5:58 AM GMT
    neosyllogy saidIn terms of older people being less willing to date (especially "seriously" date) younger persons part of it (if the guy's half decent) will be fear of hurting the younger person.

    Most healthy people have gone through a lot over their life in different relationships and developed a lot. Partly through failures. They've also learned to guard parts of their heart/soul and to control their expectations. They also probably have memories of being or having hurt people when they were younger.

    Getting into a serious relationship with someone much younger just doesn't seem fair to them in some ways. They are under preparred (even if they are more "mature" there's only so much experience you can acquire over a given amount of time).

    Is that legitimate? Maybe. Maybe not. The younger person will have to go through difficult times regardless of who he goes with them through. It's hard not to feel a little guilty though, especially when you can easily go from a position of simple experience to one of "emotional power". Deciding whether or not you're being unfair, by leading someone on, etc. It becomes more difficult to decipher when you're more experienced than another.

    That said. If everyone goes in with good earnest intentions, so what? (or so I'm inclined to think) But any decent older guy will angst over these things.


    +1
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2011 6:06 AM GMT
    Trollileo said
    jpBITCHva saidYoung men do make the best sex slaves, however.
    Are you speaking from personal experience?


    Totally read that as

    "Are spanking from personal experience"

    ...Yes please! icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2011 6:06 AM GMT
    Age is more than just about being a number. You already mentioned the maturity difference, but people mature at different speeds.

    There are life phases to consider. Most people go through typical phases in their lives. It's going to be difficult for a younger person who still wants to go out every night to settle down with an older person who is ready to start raising a family.

    There's the problem of the dynamic of the relationship too. An older person may be more controlling of the younger person, even if it's just a habit they both fall into. I've seen couples where the older guy treats the younger guy like he's immature, even though they are both senior citizens. It's strange and probably not psychologically healthy.

    There's the question of experiences. People who are around the same age have similar experiences, while people with big age gaps can have very different attitudes about things. People in the same general age group are more likely to have things in common.

    I've always dated older than me, and I've seen some of the pitfalls that come with it. It can work out, but you have to be aware of how your relationship is going in order to avoid some of these problems. Despite what they tell you, love doesn't really conquer all. You need to use your brain sometimes too.
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    Dec 02, 2011 6:12 AM GMT
    jpBITCHva said
    DudeInNOVA said
    I've always dated older than me, and I've seen some of the pitfalls that come with it. It can work out, but you have to be aware of how your relationship is going in order to avoid some of these problems. Despite what they tell you, love doesn't really conquer all. You need to use your brain sometimes too.

    I take it that's a "no" then....icon_smile.gif


    Huh?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2011 6:15 AM GMT
    jpBITCHva saidI take it to mean you're not proposing to me after all. icon_smile.gif


    Why would you think that? I said "I've always dated older than me." Translation: I don't date younger guys. (Or haven't yet.) icon_biggrin.gif
  • fitartistsf

    Posts: 638

    Dec 02, 2011 6:26 AM GMT
    hockeyplayer5 saidI have a hard time understanding why age is such a huge problem for some people. Yes, I understand that an older guy may not want to date a younger guy because he is not mature enough, but i become confused when this remains the case even when the older guy knows the younger guys acts mature for his age. Not saying im in this situation...but i could be icon_wink.gif

    I can also see that a significant age difference means that both are in different stages of life, and this could present a problem...but can it be overcome? I think if there is mutual attraction, age should be insignificant...hey the relationship may not work out but whats the real harm in trying?

    what do you guys think..? Can an age difference be overcome in a relationship? How many years apart do you think draws the line? Help me understand!


    If it's any consolation, HP5... you are totally in my age range... I would have NO problems being with a guy like you...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2011 6:33 AM GMT
    hockeyplayer5 saidI have a hard time understanding why age is such a huge problem for some people. Yes, I understand that an older guy may not want to date a younger guy because he is not mature enough,



    No. Maturity has nothing to do with age. There a plenty of guys who are older than you and me who are totally fucked in the head.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2011 7:13 AM GMT
    I also don't understand why there is such a huge issue with and age difference.

    Rather focus on the things you have in common with a guy and it'll all work out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2011 7:18 AM GMT
    neosyllogy saidIn terms of older people being less willing to date (especially "seriously" date) younger persons part of it (if the guy's half decent) will be fear of hurting the younger person.

    Most healthy people have gone through a lot over their life in different relationships and developed a lot. Partly through failures. They've also learned to guard parts of their heart/soul and to control their expectations. They also probably have memories of being or having hurt people when they were younger.

    Getting into a serious relationship with someone much younger just doesn't seem fair to them in some ways. They are under preparred (even if they are more "mature" there's only so much experience you can acquire over a given amount of time).

    Is that legitimate? Maybe. Maybe not. The younger person will have to go through difficult times regardless of who he goes with them through. It's hard not to feel a little guilty though, especially when you can easily go from a position of simple experience to one of "emotional power". Deciding whether or not you're being unfair, by leading someone on, etc. It becomes more difficult to decipher when you're more experienced than another.

    That said. If everyone goes in with good earnest intentions, so what? (or so I'm inclined to think) But any decent older guy will angst over these things.


    Lot of things I forgot to think about, especially the first thing you said about hurting the younger person. I very strongly agree with you about how the younger person will have to goes through hard times no matter what.
    So if an older guy thinks he will hurt the younger, and doesn't give him a chance...he is only going to be hurt by someone else so that whole scared of hurting thing I feel should be neglected
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Dec 02, 2011 7:19 AM GMT
    hockeyplayer5 saidI have a hard time understanding why age is such a huge problem for some people. Yes, I understand that an older guy may not want to date a younger guy because he is not mature enough, but i become confused when this remains the case even when the older guy knows the younger guys acts mature for his age. Not saying im in this situation...but i could be icon_wink.gif

    I can also see that a significant age difference means that both are in different stages of life, and this could present a problem...but can it be overcome? I think if there is mutual attraction, age should be insignificant...hey the relationship may not work out but whats the real harm in trying?

    what do you guys think..? Can an age difference be overcome in a relationship? How many years apart do you think draws the line? Help me understand!

    You're so young age will matter now. As you get older the age gap matters less. I could never date someone younger than my niece of nephews age.icon_idea.gif It's nice that I still get offers, but I can't take them.icon_sad.gif

    At your age I wasn't hung up on dating I was having too much fun being single and hanging with my friends, frat brothers.
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Dec 02, 2011 7:23 AM GMT
    Just make the best choices that you can, and be happy. Life is short, and sometimes it's shorter than it should have been. Don't waste it conforming. Be a rebel and date the older guy, or the younger guy or the circus midget, and enjoy your life instead of regretting it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2011 7:28 AM GMT
    MikemikeMike said
    You're so young age will matter now. As you get older the age gap matters less. I could never date someone younger than my niece of nephews age.icon_idea.gif It's nice that I still get offers, but I can't take them.icon_sad.gif

    At your age I wasn't hung up on dating I was having too much fun being single and hanging with my friends, frat brothers.


    I just want to clarify one thing. I have no idea if this is what you were thinking but I wasn't really talking about a guy my age crushing on someone in their 30's or older. Im talking about a guy my age and a guy in his early to mid 20's

    Im not hung up on dating, Im just curious about the reasons for which some guys refuse to date younger
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2011 7:48 AM GMT
    I personally wouldn't date someone much younger than me, primarily because there is too much shit to deal with at that age, particularly with younger gay men.

    I want someone who has a strong sense of self and at that age you are still learning about who you are and forming yourself as a human being. It can be a really frustrating process for a partner.

    Even if someone younger 'acts' in a very mature manner they are still going to through the same shit that everyone their age goes through.
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Dec 02, 2011 8:39 AM GMT
    My current boyfriend is 11 years younger than I am...I will admit...I NEVER thought I would date someone with this much of an age difference...my patterns were around 5 years up and/or 5 years down from my age...

    ...our age difference in the short term does show it's difference at times...he can eat whatever the hell he wants...never has a hang over...and sleeps forever...breaking into my 40's I have little tolerance for bad foods, tons of alcohol, or sleeping in late...so our routines are sometimes different...

    ...but in many ways we are the same...he's a young guy with an "old soul"...and I'm an older guy with a "young soul"...our paces match many times...and we communicate quite well with each other...something that does not always require maturity or age...

    Personally, I want someone in my life who doesn't run at the first sign of trouble...can communicate his needs...have some level of patience...and is goal driven...Michael fits that mold pretty well...so, yes, it can work...

    - David icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2011 9:03 AM GMT
    Like what a lot of the other Realjock members have said, I think it has a lot more to do with maturity and readiness from a person to commit to a relationship that requires two different agendas to merge, than age. I'm extremely young and a bit more mature than some people; still, this does not necessarily mean I am ready to engage something so time and energy consuming.

    I mean, I have barely figured out what I want to do in life yet alone who I want to spend my life with...but now it sounds like I'm speaking of marriage, so ehh.
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    Dec 04, 2011 7:49 PM GMT
    hockeyplayer5 saidI have a hard time understanding why age is such a huge problem for some people. Yes, I understand that an older guy may not want to date a younger guy because he is not mature enough, but i become confused when this remains the case even when the older guy knows the younger guys acts mature for his age. Not saying im in this situation...but i could be icon_wink.gif

    I can also see that a significant age difference means that both are in different stages of life, and this could present a problem...but can it be overcome? I think if there is mutual attraction, age should be insignificant...hey the relationship may not work out but whats the real harm in trying?

    what do you guys think..? Can an age difference be overcome in a relationship? How many years apart do you think draws the line? Help me understand!


    Sure it can be overcome. You need a young who acts mature or older guy who acts immature, or both.
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    Dec 04, 2011 7:59 PM GMT
    hockeyplayer5 saidI have a hard time understanding why age is such a huge problem for some people. Yes, I understand that an older guy may not want to date a younger guy because he is not mature enough, but i become confused when this remains the case even when the older guy knows the younger guys acts mature for his age. Not saying im in this situation...but i could be icon_wink.gif

    I can also see that a significant age difference means that both are in different stages of life, and this could present a problem...but can it be overcome? I think if there is mutual attraction, age should be insignificant...hey the relationship may not work out but whats the real harm in trying?

    what do you guys think..? Can an age difference be overcome in a relationship? How many years apart do you think draws the line? Help me understand!


    How much younger than you is the guy that you want to date? At your age, more than a year or two younger is significant, not to mention illegal.
  • a303guy

    Posts: 829

    Dec 04, 2011 8:14 PM GMT
    I have 6 close freinds that are in younger older relationships: 52/26, 51/27, and 42/28, all of which are in the multi-year stages. I would say they are all successful, and unique.

    My last 3 relationships have also been younger/older: 1st i was 46, he was 20, 2nd i was 49 he was 27, and current, i'm 52, he's 23.

    the 1st one was a mistake - he was seriously into me, and i wasnt prepared for the maturity difference. He actually started "stalking" me when he was 17 (here on RJ to be honest), when he turned 19, and was STILL after me, i relented, and got involved. I never fully appreciated the huge emotional and maturity differences between us, and finally after about 18 months, I called it off. Didnt talk to him for several years, we recently reconnected on FB and are now freinds. Definitely staying that way though.

    the 2nd one was amazing - the most intense, passionate and exhilarating relationship of my life. His life path and mine were, however, on different trajectories, and ultimately, we separated, still both very much in love, to pursue our careers on different sides of the USA. We are still, to this day, very close.

    The 3rd is just beginning, but seems to be off to a great start. I've learned so much about relationships from the two above, that I feel much better equipped to make this one work.

    Moral to the story - Younger/Older relationships can work, and be genuinely fulfilling for both sides. Like any relationship, they take work, and understanding - in these cases, that understanding has to include an acceptance that both members of the relationship are at different points in their personal story arc, and that it is the understanding of the differences between them that make the relationship worthwhile and loving.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2011 8:16 PM GMT
    Depends on the age difference and how we are talking. Between 20 and 30? Probably not. Between 40 and 50 its not an issue.
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    Dec 04, 2011 8:23 PM GMT
    a303guy saidI have 6 close freinds that are in younger older relationships: 52/26, 51/27, and 42/28, all of which are in the multi-year stages. I would say they are all successful, and unique.

    My last 3 relationships have also been younger/older: 1st i was 46, he was 20, 2nd i was 49 he was 27, and current, i'm 52, he's 23.

    the 1st one was a mistake - he was seriously into me, and i wasnt prepared for the maturity difference. He actually started "stalking" me when he was 17 (here on RJ to be honest), when he turned 19, and was STILL after me, i relented, and got involved. I never fully appreciated the huge emotional and maturity differences between us, and finally after about 18 months, I called it off. Didnt talk to him for several years, we recently reconnected on FB and are now freinds. Definitely staying that way though.

    the 2nd one was amazing - the most intense, passionate and exhilarating relationship of my life. His life path and mine were, however, on different trajectories, and ultimately, we separated, still both very much in love, to pursue our careers on different sides of the USA. We are still, to this day, very close.

    The 3rd is just beginning, but seems to be off to a great start. I've learned so much about relationships from the two above, that I feel much better equipped to make this one work.

    Moral to the story - Younger/Older relationships can work, and be genuinely fulfilling for both sides. Like any relationship, they take work, and understanding - in these cases, that understanding has to include an acceptance that both members of the relationship are at different points in their personal story arc, and that it is the understanding of the differences between them that make the relationship worthwhile and loving.



    I think it is all great for now, but in all honesty....When you 62 and winding down and he is 33 and in the beginning of his life. It probably won't work.

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    Dec 04, 2011 8:27 PM GMT
    a303guy saidI have 6 close freinds that are in younger older relationships: 52/26, 51/27, and 42/28, all of which are in the multi-year stages. I would say they are all successful, and unique.

    My last 3 relationships have also been younger/older: 1st i was 46, he was 20, 2nd i was 49 he was 27, and current, i'm 52, he's 23.

    the 1st one was a mistake - he was seriously into me, and i wasnt prepared for the maturity difference. He actually started "stalking" me when he was 17 (here on RJ to be honest), when he turned 19, and was STILL after me, i relented, and got involved. I never fully appreciated the huge emotional and maturity differences between us, and finally after about 18 months, I called it off. Didnt talk to him for several years, we recently reconnected on FB and are now freinds. Definitely staying that way though.

    the 2nd one was amazing - the most intense, passionate and exhilarating relationship of my life. His life path and mine were, however, on different trajectories, and ultimately, we separated, still both very much in love, to pursue our careers on different sides of the USA. We are still, to this day, very close.

    The 3rd is just beginning, but seems to be off to a great start. I've learned so much about relationships from the two above, that I feel much better equipped to make this one work.

    Moral to the story - Younger/Older relationships can work, and be genuinely fulfilling for both sides. Like any relationship, they take work, and understanding - in these cases, that understanding has to include an acceptance that both members of the relationship are at different points in their personal story arc, and that it is the understanding of the differences between them that make the relationship worthwhile and loving.



    Actually you made the case they dont work. And I am guessing there are some mental issues going on in these relationships which probably ad to it.