Different sex drives within a relationship

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    Jul 21, 2007 4:13 AM GMT
    To try to make a long story short, Ive been dating my bf for about 2 1/2 yrs. Its a long distance relationship (2hrs apart) and he is planning on moving in with me by the end of the year. When we first met and I would go see him I couldnt keep him off me...as soon as I got in the door he was on me, ripping my clothes off and tieing me to the bed. Now I could go 3-4 weeks without seeing him, go for a 2 day visit and he doesnt even try anything. He says sex isnt that important to him and that hed rather do other things with me. He treats me wonderful and does all kinds of great nice things for me, but I dont know what to do about the sex. I always have to start it if we do anything which makes me feel he doesnt want it. We have talked about it and he said he would do better, and he will try every now and then, but after I havent seen him in 2 or 3 weeks I am ready to get busy!!!!!! Any advice???
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    Jul 21, 2007 4:45 AM GMT
    Tell him exactly what you just said. Its best to be honest and open about it with your boyfriend rather keep it to your self and let it get to you. Tell him after weeks of not seeing you, you demand he rips off your cloths and throws you on the bed! lol
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Jul 21, 2007 4:52 AM GMT
    My ex use to behave like that. In the beginning we use to have sex 4 to 5 time a day. Then suddenly he dont demand it as much anymore. Only then I find out he is screwing another guy. Maybe you should ask him for the truth. Its will safe both of you the trouble when he finally moving in with you.
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    Jul 21, 2007 2:13 PM GMT
    At the risk of sounding insensitive, he's probably getting it somewhere else.
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    Jul 21, 2007 3:02 PM GMT
    What fabians said! Open, direct, honest communication is always the best policy. Encourage the same from him. Good luck! Daniel
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    Jul 21, 2007 3:30 PM GMT
    I wouldn't immediately jump to the conclusion that he's getting some somewhere else... To me, that seems a somewhat jaded and damaged comment, and the fact is there are at least a few of us out there who are actually capable of fidelity in a relationship.

    I also am going to skip over the "tell him how you feel advice", under the assumption that something this important has already been discussed. If you can't talk to a significant other about basic needs, then the relationship probably has bigger issues.

    That said, I was in a very similar relationship last year. We would go three weeks without seeing each other, and then I would be raring to go and he wouldn't be in the mood.

    In this process, I learned the unfortunate lesson that many people really do have substantial differences in sex drive. It's one of many areas of compatibility in a relationship. Sometimes you can work with it, sometimes you can't. It may also depend on how good the other things in the relationship are. Suffice it to say, you may want to give it more time before moving in together... because this could turn into a big issue if it isn't resolved. Relationships are not all about sex, but let's face it - if sex didn't matter, some of us would be quite content dating women.
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    Jul 21, 2007 3:41 PM GMT
    First, I said "probably". Next, I wouldn't say it was a "jump" to a conclusion, rather, a casual stroll.

    I don't buy the business about differences in sex drive being accountable for this. If this was two guys living together and one simply wanted it more than the other, hmm, maybe. When you're seeing each other every few weeks and this happens, one has lost some interest and that interest usually has been directed elsewhere. When they first met, the guy was insatiable, apparently. I don't see anything in the post to indicate that something happened to the guy to reduce his "drive", and I'm not going to assume that something has. I think my assumption was rather safe.
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    Jul 21, 2007 3:44 PM GMT
    "and the fact is there are at least a few of us out there who are actually capable of fidelity in a relationship."

    I have to say that I resent the implication here. One needn't be 'capable of fidelity in a relationship' to make the assumption I've made. In fact, I've been in the same, presumably fidelous, relationship for 19 years.
  • ramblerman

    Posts: 47

    Jul 21, 2007 4:29 PM GMT
    At first it may have been sexual infatuation, after time the "new" wears off. You two have been in the realtionship long enough now that you are experianceing his true sex drive, not as high as yours. For some the relationship is more than just sex & for him sex is not as important as it is for you, if he is not masterbateing on his time away from you (read: use it or loose it)his sex drive is probably just not there. Try phone sex or cyber sex when away from each other, a little tease goes a long way. Talk about it & find out what is important to him & let him know what is important to you.
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    Jul 21, 2007 6:22 PM GMT
    Sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship. But to perfectly honest sex is a important thing, just not the most important thing. Come no one can say they are going to be with someone for the rest of their life and not of sex, like not even blowing each other or anything.

    I mean I like to cuddle and kiss more than anything, but sex is some what important in a relationship. So you either need to tell him again, or spice it up a little. Or by the one to start it, there is no shame in that
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    Jul 21, 2007 7:35 PM GMT
    Well this is a touchy subject. This could go both ways.... it could be the fact that he is most likely getting it from someone else, which ultimately means he is not relationship material.....so what we tend to forget is that we are men.....men will be men....... we are like dogs(whether we like to admit or not) and once we get a smell of someone else we go after it....now the other way it could just be he is telling the truth....their is more to a relationship then just sex(yes guys its true) and once you get pass that aspect then you TRULY have a relationship... and if you start up the sexual behavior and he still responds and gets off from it, what more can you ask for? He is obviously still interested.
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    Jul 22, 2007 9:17 AM GMT
    I'm actually dealing with the same issue in my relationship right now, except that I see my boyfriend every week at least once, usually more than that. He almost never wants to have sex, and it usually ends up happening once every month and half to two months! He almost didn't even want to on our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY! When we do have sex, it's not romantic or as charged as it once was. I try to make it so, but he just wants to get it over with, like a chore or something. Apparently he's been diagnosed with low testostorone, which greatly reduces his libido. I've spoken to him about this issue several times, and it is really starting to wear on me. The previous comment is true; it wouldn't be so bad if there weren't other things that were bothering me (we have talked about those too), but since there are, it's another thing to add on. Plus I'm young, and very ready ALL the time. What should I do? He's had tons of feedback on my feelings and discontent with the issues at hand in our relationship, and has said he will work on fixing them (they all pertain to him). How long is too long, though? At what point do I say enough waiting? I need results......

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated :)
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    Jul 22, 2007 12:32 PM GMT
    they say the brain is the biggest part of the sex drive. i've faced my fears recently of a diminishing sex drive and i'm trying to adjust my thought patterns continuosly to keep that 'kick'. my partner works up north and is away 2 weeks, then back for one, and he's nearly 10 years younger so let's just say i'm pretty much in hot demand while he's down. the thing we've got going well is the 'open / flexible' relationship....always seems to add a bit of excitement and has been the way from the beginning. we are non-jealous and totally up front about all our activities, and he finds it's good to have sex during the day with someone else while i'm at work.... less pressure on me when I get home too! we both agree that we are men, and love variety, so it's just a balancing trick at the moment until he decides to move back home later in the year and find another job. that will be a whole new chapter!
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    Jul 22, 2007 1:40 PM GMT
    Only 2 hours away and you wait 2-3 weeks to see each other. You just have to talk it out before he moves in.

    Sex can deminish in relationships. Is he under any kind of stress?
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    Jul 23, 2007 6:28 AM GMT
    First I wanna say thanks for so many responses!!! They are all great advice and I appreciate the time it took to read and write about this issue. He is a good guy and we have a great monogamous relationship as far as I know. I did find some increminating stuff while he was on business in Col. but he explained it, and I cant say I really believe his story but I have decided to give him the benefit of the doubt because he does treat me great! He helps me fix my cars when Ive needed it, help around the house and etc. Anything I have needed hes been there to help if he can, and I him. I dont feel he is cheating on me and I feel he is a good person but like someone said earlier how long do you wait to feel like someone wants you sexually? Him and I have had talks and decided to try to "compromise" on how often we do it. But still when he does initiate it (hot that often) its just a jerk off session or blow job. Which is ok every know and then but I am ready for all out making love, like we used to. I really love him and I believe he loves me but I miss the intimacy and passion of our love making and it makes me feel unwanted and like I am not good enough. He tells me Im handsome, beautiful and he is attracted to me, I dont understand why he cant back up his words with his dick, so to speak.

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    Jul 23, 2007 6:29 AM GMT
    Also, where you some of you guys a long time ago when I was looking for someone???!!! hahaha. Its rare for me to run in to great looking guys like you that are talking about having long term monogamous relationships...it gives me real hope that it can work, thanks.
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    Oct 10, 2011 6:25 AM GMT
    well this is an old response going back 3 months or so, but...

    I have been in my relationship for 5 years plus. we both have different sex drives. i think they have a normal and i have a higher one. although I personaly have been just doing "my thing" when things just don"t happen to satisfy my self by not cheating. I really wanna have some intimate deep kissing and body contact.

    I don't wanna even think of cheating but it has been on my mind. I hate to admit it cause I always thought it would never be me, but it might be that way.

    It isn't just black and white as some may seem. There are a few complications that make the other significant other feel bad when things don't RISE to performance or just the libido on their part. I know he/she feels bad about performance. I love this person with all my heart but feel sexually lonely.

    I know some may say"Talk to them" which has always been our foundation of our relationship, but this time its getting difficult with out them feeling bad.

    I don't know what to do or how to handle any more. I thought I was capable of dealing with a mature relationship. Suggestions????

    I feel like a pig for even thinking this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2011 6:27 AM GMT
    oh crap... your right!!!! oops
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2011 6:28 AM GMT
    DudeNB saidoh crap... your right!!!! oops


    Well... better late than never I guess being i'm new to RJ