Sad because it will never happen...

  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Dec 03, 2011 1:31 PM GMT
    I feel so bad... I think I'm in love or at least very attracted to someone. But I am pretty sure it won't happen. Even though sometimes he is giving mixed signals, I don't think he is gay. And there is also too many other factors standing in the way. Me not being out probably being the biggest one.

    Tonight one more party. I'll try to get information out of him, if he clearly keeps the boat off I might just let it be, including the friendship that we have now. It's really hurtful seeing some1 you are very attracted to dance and flirt with other people.

    This is exactly the reason I don't like to be in love, and I try to keep it away from me cause stuff like this always happens to me.. Its too hurtful and I don't think it's worth it...

    Anyway, QQ'ing over now... Whats ur story about falling in love with a straight guy who doesn't seem to see what you really want..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2011 2:01 PM GMT
    My comments in Green below.

    Daelin saidI feel so bad... I think I'm in love or at least very attracted to someone. But I am pretty sure it won't happen. Even though sometimes he is giving mixed signals, I don't think he is gay. And there is also too many other factors standing in the way. Me not being out probably being the biggest one.

    Change your attitude. If you think you can't, you're right. If you think you can, you're also right. Your attitude determines your altitude. Make yours positive.

    Tonight one more party. I'll try to get information out of him, if he clearly keeps the boat off I might just let it be, including the friendship that we have now. It's really hurtful seeing some1 you are very attracted to dance and flirt with other people.

    Ooo! This sounds like jealousy and envy. Not very healthy or productive emotions to harbor. Learn to be happy when you see others being happy. Be happy for them, and learn what you can also do to be happy.

    This is exactly the reason I don't like to be in love, and I try to keep it away from me cause stuff like this always happens to me.. Its too hurtful and I don't think it's worth it...

    It's worth it. Come to San Francisco and I'll help you to come out and fall in love. icon_biggrin.gif

    Anyway, QQ'ing over now... Whats ur story about falling in love with a straight guy who doesn't seem to see what you really want..


    I have had "crushes" on straight guys several times in my life. I learn to get over it. I have managed to keep up friendship with one straight guy, and it is a real friendship. He has a hot girlfriend. I keep asking him when he's going to finish his Ph.D., get married and have children so that I can be "Uncle Alan".

    Hugs, J, hugs!
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Dec 03, 2011 2:08 PM GMT
    GAMRican saidMy comments in Green below.

    Daelin saidI feel so bad... I think I'm in love or at least very attracted to someone. But I am pretty sure it won't happen. Even though sometimes he is giving mixed signals, I don't think he is gay. And there is also too many other factors standing in the way. Me not being out probably being the biggest one.

    Change your attitude. If you think you can't, you're right. If you think you can, you're also right. Your attitude determines your altitude. Make yours positive.

    Its not that easy to just change ur attitude from one day to another.. :/ but I am always a very positive person, just not about this subject..

    Tonight one more party. I'll try to get information out of him, if he clearly keeps the boat off I might just let it be, including the friendship that we have now. It's really hurtful seeing some1 you are very attracted to dance and flirt with other people.

    Ooo! This sounds like jealousy and envy. Not very healthy or productive emotions to harbor. Learn to be happy when you see others being happy. Be happy for them, and learn what you can also do to be happy.

    Yep, you are right. Its jealousy. And I know it. I can't help it. I'm pretty sure its one of the strongest emotions I have.. I told you this already, it's hard to cope with.. But it makes me feel really bad if I see the guy I like kissing some1 else. Im sure lots of people would agree

    This is exactly the reason I don't like to be in love, and I try to keep it away from me cause stuff like this always happens to me.. Its too hurtful and I don't think it's worth it...

    It's worth it. Come to San Francisco and I'll help you to come out and fall in love. icon_biggrin.gif

    I would love to icon_razz.gificon_smile.gif

    Anyway, QQ'ing over now... Whats ur story about falling in love with a straight guy who doesn't seem to see what you really want..


    I have had "crushes" on straight guys several times in my life. I learn to get over it. I have managed to keep up friendship with one straight guy, and it is a real friendship. He has a hot girlfriend. I keep asking him when he's going to finish his Ph.D., get married and have children so that I can be "Uncle Alan".

    Didnt it take u some time to get over him? Im friends with this guy right now aswell. But it's hard... Maybe later it will get easier?

    and what a colorful bunch this post has become ;)


    Hugs, J, hugs!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2011 2:14 PM GMT
    I think we have all been there. I fell big time for my trainer. To this day my gaydar tells me he's gay, but he says hes not. Whether he is or not doesn't matter, the key is he is not available. It seems that we always want what we cannot have. Best to move on and find someone that is truely available. And just enjoy a friendship with your friend (assuming its not to painful). Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2011 2:27 PM GMT
    Additional comments in Indigo

    Daelin said
    GAMRican saidMy comments in Green below.

    Daelin saidI feel so bad... I think I'm in love or at least very attracted to someone. But I am pretty sure it won't happen. Even though sometimes he is giving mixed signals, I don't think he is gay. And there is also too many other factors standing in the way. Me not being out probably being the biggest one.

    Change your attitude. If you think you can't, you're right. If you think you can, you're also right. Your attitude determines your altitude. Make yours positive.

    Its not that easy to just change ur attitude from one day to another.. :/ but I am always a very positive person, just not about this subject..

    The brain is like a computer, and you choose which program is running. When you catch yourself thinking negative, then change your "program" thought. Be conscious of when you are allowing yourself to have negative thoughts. You don't have the luxury of the time to waste on negative thoughts. Like anything else in life, attitude is a habit. Get into a good, positive habit and it will be easier to stay there. Also, guys with positive attitudes generally are more attractive than guys with negative attitudes (at least in my view).

    Tonight one more party. I'll try to get information out of him, if he clearly keeps the boat off I might just let it be, including the friendship that we have now. It's really hurtful seeing some1 you are very attracted to dance and flirt with other people.

    Ooo! This sounds like jealousy and envy. Not very healthy or productive emotions to harbor. Learn to be happy when you see others being happy. Be happy for them, and learn what you can also do to be happy.

    Yep, you are right. Its jealousy. And I know it. I can't help it. I'm pretty sure its one of the strongest emotions I have.. I told you this already, it's hard to cope with.. But it makes me feel really bad if I see the guy I like kissing some1 else. Im sure lots of people would agree

    You know you have this shortcoming, so now you have to work on minimizing how this impacts your life and people around you. Consider going to a therapist to work through this. Do this BEFORE you get into a relationship because jealousy and envy can destroy a relationship. You want to have this under control before you get into a relationship. Jealousy and envy come from some sort of inner feeling of lacking and emptiness. Find a way to make yourself feel full even when you are single.

    This is exactly the reason I don't like to be in love, and I try to keep it away from me cause stuff like this always happens to me.. Its too hurtful and I don't think it's worth it...

    It's worth it. Come to San Francisco and I'll help you to come out and fall in love. icon_biggrin.gif

    I would love to icon_razz.gificon_smile.gif

    Come. The City and I await.

    Anyway, QQ'ing over now... Whats ur story about falling in love with a straight guy who doesn't seem to see what you really want..


    I have had "crushes" on straight guys several times in my life. I learn to get over it. I have managed to keep up friendship with one straight guy, and it is a real friendship. He has a hot girlfriend. I keep asking him when he's going to finish his Ph.D., get married and have children so that I can be "Uncle Alan".

    Didnt it take u some time to get over him? Im friends with this guy right now aswell. But it's hard... Maybe later it will get easier?

    and what a colorful bunch this post has become ;)


    Not that much time. I can realize soon when somebody is not available (like TriAthinCA said), and quickly change my feelings to those which are comfortable and which I can live with without jealousy or envy. There are guys with whom I have been friends for over 20 years who I still find very attractive (even relationship material), but they are with somebody else. I am happy for them. I am happy to have a friendship with them and their partners.

    Hugs, J, hugs!
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 03, 2011 3:10 PM GMT
    LOL Why are there so many threads like this? How or why are you people putting yourselves in these types of situation. Once I know someone is straight then they are no longer available to me. Question to the OP. Do you for sure he is straight? Do you know if he has a gf?
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Dec 03, 2011 3:18 PM GMT
    You don't put yourself in situations like this, you get into them..

    And no, I dont know for sure if he is straight. I know he hooks up/has hooked up with girls but I also know that he is not looking for a relationship with any of them cause that's not what he wants. And we get along really well. We haven't even known eachother for that long and he already tells me a lot. Also some stares, movements, smiles etc..

    But whenever he gets the chance to point out a pretty girl he does it, not really sure why he does it cause I never really respond to that. Maybe it's cause he wants to figure me out??... who knows.. Maybe I'll get some more hints tonight..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2011 3:40 PM GMT
    Had this happen to me years ago and to DC's point, it was NOT something I would or did seek out... friend of friend honed in on me, got completely under my radar and sufficiently messed with my head so that logic and even morals were shaken up. In this case he was aware of the attraction and even encouraged it, giving back just enough to keep me coming back for more. Without getting into details I knew there is more than just "curiosity" there.

    It took a kind of unpleasant incident to help me see this guy for who he is and realize that -- even if he could or would give me what I thought I wanted from it -- he was not someone I could be proud of associating with based on what I believe in and what I'm known for. And there was no way where we were headed would end well, for anybody. I had to distance myself for my own protection, which I did without explanation. Others who knew we had grown close were baffled and asked questions, which I had to explain away because it wasn't my goal to indict his character or whatever... I just knew I couldn't be a part of it. Years later we still have to be in the same place occasionally and it still hurts, is awkward, and makes me angry at myself for being so stupid.

    I have been wanting to post about this for a long time as it is one of the moments of my life of which I am the least proud, and because of my personality I still harp on in it when I have too much time to think.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2011 3:45 PM GMT
    Daelin said

    Tonight one more party. I'll try to get information out of him, if he clearly keeps the boat off I might just let it be, including the friendship that we have now.



    This is probably the key here, because at some point the line should be drawn where you allow yourself to move on or you determine even a slim chance is worth the emotional investment. It's mostly when you're stuck in this confusing grey area that ugly emotions about the situation crop up. But with a little more information, which you will likely have to elicit instead of him voluntarily offering it, you can make a better decision about where to go from there. That might also give you some peace of mind.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2011 6:37 PM GMT
    Were you drunk when you wrote this? Also you are 22 give it a break dude.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2011 6:42 PM GMT
    Yeah, similar situation happened to me. I became good friends with this guy I was working with. He had a girlfriend but he acted as if he was flirting with me all the time (he didn't know I was gay). At first I didn't believe it, but my friends insisted his behaviour was not normal.

    Anyway, I ended up developing feelings for him over the course of the 6 months we worked together... it was eating at me so one day I just came out to him.
    End result... we aren't friends anymore. He thought it was weird and wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

    It was tough at first, but I did move on. I am happy I did speak up because:
    1) If I hadn't I would be stuck in that rut, not knowing.
    2) I am glad I found out his true nature, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that.

    My advice, speak up or forget it!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 03, 2011 6:50 PM GMT
    Falling for "straight" guys is never smart, I never fall for them, you just set yourself up for failure.
  • starboard5

    Posts: 969

    Dec 03, 2011 6:57 PM GMT
    You're not alone. I think most of us have gone through this at some point. I did when I was exactly your age.

    He was the love of my life. We were in the same fraternity, both rowed crew together. Lived together for most of my Jr. year. I wasn't out to anyone, but at the end of the school year, the night before I moved out, we sat up until four in the morning talking and I told him.

    He acted ok with it but was actually upset and confused. Eventually we had another long talk and I told him it was impossible for me to just be friends with someone I had these feelings for. He said that was unreasonable, an "all or nothing attitude," and that we ought to be able to remain friends. I tried over the next two and a half years but I couldn't do it. I loved him so much I fully accepted who he was, didn't want him to change. I understood that even if he wanted to love me the same way he couldn't pull out of himself something that wasn't there. He tried to be a true friend and he was. Even referred to "our relationship," and told me once after a camping trip that he was closer to me than any girl he'd dated. But he couldn't be something he wasn't.

    I got to the place where I lived in a constant state of sadness and hopelessness. It wasn't healthy, and I cared enough about myself to want better, so we just stopped seeing each other. It took about seven months before I could run into him and not be depressed for a week, but I got there.

    One of the very few perks of getting older is that you gain some distance from your feelings; you're more able to pull back. You still feel things as deeply, but you're not overwhelmed. The kind of situation I've described could never happen to me now. I wouldn't let it. Some guys will disagree with that, but they're wrong. You make choices and you can control your feelings.

    It's ironic: the things you love about your friend are unique to him; yet you can find them in other guys. They will just manifest differently. I hope you learn to stop hurting and that you'll meet a guy who loves you and can return the wonderful qualities you bring to him.
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Dec 05, 2011 10:37 PM GMT
    Hmm ye, definitely don't think its ever gonna happen.

    Went one day without contacting him so far! Really good ;) Lets see how long I can keep this up icon_razz.gif He will probably text me soon.. and then it start all over again..
  • Iota

    Posts: 55

    Dec 06, 2011 9:59 AM GMT
    I am totally sorry to hear that you have fallen so hard for this guy. I would recommend to you to try and date guys who you know are gay or bi, distraction can be a really good thing in a situation like this. The other guys might not be perfect, but you have a chance with them. From what you have described you will never have a chance with this guy, that means all the energy you spend hoping things will change is wasted. Love him as a really good friend and companion but not as a lover or the boyfriend you want him to be. I have not ever had this happen, but i am close to several of my straight male friends and its something i really enjoy. I knew i never stood a chance with them, and i accepted it, a couple of them would be perfect boyfriends, but for the girl they like, not for me. I hope things get better and you might want to make hanging out with other gay and bi men a bigger priority then spending a lot of time with this guy. At least till you no longer having feeling for him, and maybe you should be honest with him about your feeling. If he is a really good friend he should understand why you might need to distance yourself from him, and may ever try to set you up with someone....

    Best of luck, hope things get better for you
  • Brick_n_Lace

    Posts: 185

    Dec 06, 2011 10:02 AM GMT
    You will drive yourself crazy trying to read signs, tea leaves and mixed signals. Save your energy for someone who actually knows that they want to be with you and is willing to have the integrity and courage to follow their heart and tell you how they feel or at least actively show you that they are into you.