How do you deal with Loneliness?

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    Dec 03, 2011 8:16 PM GMT
    Having recently come out.. I am wondering how y'alls deal with loneliness (in general). I deal with it by going to the gym and trying to talk to some of the frequent folk, but I find that often is not enough. Another way is I'll go to Starbucks and read my book or work on some things, but that does not seem to work either. How do you shake this incurable feeling of always being in the presence of your own thoughts and not that of others?
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    Dec 03, 2011 8:46 PM GMT
    I'm Cristina-Yang-kick ass if I'm really lonely.
    Which is pretty good cause it improves the efficiency in everything you do.
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    Dec 03, 2011 8:51 PM GMT
    gym_business saidHaving recently come out.. I am wondering how y'alls deal with loneliness (in general). I deal with it by going to the gym and trying to talk to some of the frequent folk, but I find that often is not enough. Another way is I'll go to Starbucks and read my book or work on some things, but that does not seem to work either. How do you shake this incurable feeling of always being in the presence of your own thoughts and not that of others?

    You just described my weekends, minus the talking to people at the gym. The trouble is, going to the gym and reading in a cafe only take up max 3 hours. Wish I knew the answer myself.
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    Dec 03, 2011 9:00 PM GMT
    Music
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    Dec 03, 2011 9:03 PM GMT
    Family, friends, video games, lots of junk food
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    Dec 03, 2011 9:04 PM GMT
    My imaginary friends never let me feel lonely
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    Dec 03, 2011 9:04 PM GMT
    Hi:

    Have you tried..meetups.com within Toronto, Ontario...It does not say much in your profile of what other activities or hobbies you like beside the gym. I just searched meetup.com and there are several group in that area, some even gay that you might want to explore.

    www.meetup.com

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    Dec 03, 2011 9:05 PM GMT
    i cut
  • conservativej...

    Posts: 2465

    Dec 03, 2011 9:06 PM GMT
    Many gay men equate being lone to not being in an active relationship. Perhaps this is your problem. I have many relationships, although most would not be considered equivalet to marriage or your typical "couple."

    I suspect several of my relationships are actually stronger than many marriages.

    Start banishing lonliness by trying to build very strong friendships and going from there.
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    Dec 03, 2011 9:06 PM GMT
    Edward23 saidFamily, friends, video games, lots of junk food


    friends, gym, bodybuilding, family, food icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 03, 2011 9:12 PM GMT
    conservativejock saidMany gay men equate being lone to not being in an active relationship. Perhaps this is your problem. I have many relationships, although most would not be considered equivalet to marriage or your typical "couple."

    I suspect several of my relationships are actually stronger than many marriages.

    Start banishing lonliness by trying to build very strong friendships and going from there.


    Completely agree. Well said. It's not suprising that some friendships appear stronger than marriages mainly because friendships lack the need to maintain a level of intimacy.

    How to build strong friendships?

    ( A rhetorical question thrown in for good measure)

    Through common interests - pursue the things you like and you'll meet others that share the same interests.

  • dancedancekj

    Posts: 1761

    Dec 03, 2011 9:14 PM GMT
    Learn how to entertain yourself so being alone is never a bad thing.

    I have ongoing projects to keep me occupied when I'm not at work, hanging out with friends, or going on dates. They include drawing, writing a novel, my aquariums, watching way too much TV, and reading just about everything from personal finance to hot composting to the history of ballroom dancing.

    This way, when I'm single, having a quiet night in, or just find myself with nothing to do, I pick up where I left off the last time.

    That being said, I do find myself at times wanting company and just hang out with someone. Most of the time I schedule meet-ups with friends, some who I haven't seen in a while. Or, I'll just find random guys and go out to coffee or for a drink with them, and have some conversations.

    Make the world your oyster!!
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    Dec 03, 2011 9:17 PM GMT
    Get off of RJ. You live in a big city, there should be plenty of clubs for sports and hobbies. I'm in a running and kickball league here and have made tons of friends here. Most people there are there to make friends like you. So if the bar/club scene is not your thing, this should work well. Just make that first step, and you should be good. Find one friend who will introduce you to their friends and new things. Try it, you might be surprised....icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 03, 2011 9:18 PM GMT
    conservativejock saidMany gay men equate being lone to not being in an active relationship. Perhaps this is your problem. I have many relationships, although most would not be considered equivalet to marriage or your typical "couple."

    I suspect several of my relationships are actually stronger than many marriages.

    Start banishing lonliness by trying to build very strong friendships and going from there.


    Biggest problem for me... Three of my best friends are in other countries right now.... which sucks.
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    Dec 03, 2011 9:21 PM GMT
    I just wallow in my depression till I go to bed alone yet again since I'm a failure at life.
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    Dec 03, 2011 9:21 PM GMT
    gym_business said
    conservativejock saidMany gay men equate being lone to not being in an active relationship. Perhaps this is your problem. I have many relationships, although most would not be considered equivalet to marriage or your typical "couple."

    I suspect several of my relationships are actually stronger than many marriages.

    Start banishing lonliness by trying to build very strong friendships and going from there.


    Biggest problem for me... Three of my best friends are in other countries right now.... which sucks.


    Dude lets be friends
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    Dec 03, 2011 9:21 PM GMT
    uombroca saidHi:

    Have you tried..meetups.com within Toronto, Ontario...It does not say much in your profile of what other activities or hobbies you like beside the gym. I just searched meetup.com and there are several group in that area, some even gay that you might want to explore.

    www.meetup.com



    THIS! There are lots of self-organizing groups for gay guys.
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    Dec 03, 2011 9:22 PM GMT
    dancedancekj saidLearn how to entertain yourself so being alone is never a bad thing.

    I have ongoing projects to keep me occupied when I'm not at work, hanging out with friends, or going on dates. They include drawing, writing a novel ....


    A novel!

    Let's hear more about it!
  • roadbikeRob

    Posts: 14372

    Dec 03, 2011 9:23 PM GMT
    There are days when I feel lonely but that is not commonplace for me fortunately. I love living alone and being totally independent. I just don't think that I am cut out for serious relationships. I am the type that loves to come and go as I please. You cannot do that in a committed relationship.
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    Dec 03, 2011 9:24 PM GMT
    gym_business saidHaving recently come out.. I am wondering how y'alls deal with loneliness (in general). I deal with it by going to the gym and trying to talk to some of the frequent folk, but I find that often is not enough. Another way is I'll go to Starbucks and read my book or work on some things, but that does not seem to work either. How do you shake this incurable feeling of always being in the presence of your own thoughts and not that of others?


    What you're doing is good. At a Starbucks or Peet's all you need is a big, furry dog (like mine, want to borrow him?) Seriously - a big furry dog is your ice breaker. Walking him, or sitting somewhere - almost every time I go out - even at intersections - people want to pet him, ask about him, etc. I've talked with more people than you can imagine, due to having a dog with me. Could you borrow a dog from a friend for a few hours?

    Other than that, here are other places I've met guys: Out running; in meetings and brunches with my alumni association; at other groups I belong to (Rotary, the historical associations, National Trust volunteer work; antique car club meets, and even my Episcopal church - a lot of gay people belong to Episcopal churches).

    Good luck!

    icon_cool.gif
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    Dec 03, 2011 9:27 PM GMT
    I agree with the dog thing too. Go to a shelter and rescue one. It will do both you good in so many ways. You have a loyal companion and will give a dog a second chance at life. I'm serious about this. It will change your life....
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    Dec 03, 2011 9:28 PM GMT
    Jockbod48 said
    gym_business saidHaving recently come out.. I am wondering how y'alls deal with loneliness (in general). I deal with it by going to the gym and trying to talk to some of the frequent folk, but I find that often is not enough. Another way is I'll go to Starbucks and read my book or work on some things, but that does not seem to work either. How do you shake this incurable feeling of always being in the presence of your own thoughts and not that of others?


    What you're doing is good. At a Starbucks or Peet's all you need is a big, furry dog (like mine, want to borrow him?) Seriously - a big furry dog is your ice breaker. Walking him, or sitting somewhere - almost every time I go out - even at intersections - people want to pet him, ask about him, etc. I've talked with more people than you can imagine, due to having a dog with me. Could you borrow a dog from a friend for a few hours?

    Other than that, here are other places I've met guys: Out running; in meetings and brunches with my alumni association; at other groups I belong to (Rotary, the historical associations, National Trust volunteer work; antique car club meets, and even my Episcopal church - a lot of gay people belong to Episcopal churches).

    Good luck!

    icon_cool.gif


    I actually do do that quite often with my two little rascals. Only thing is... cars freak them out, so I'm usually restricted to park/ ravine areas!

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    Dec 03, 2011 9:44 PM GMT
    When I graduated from college my parents asked me what I wanted as a gift. I told them I wanted the Cape May house because it was the furthest away from where I'm from in Northern NJ.
    Admittedly I was lonely for the first year. Then I really got involved in politics, volunteering at the animal shelter here, reading...etc.
    But I understand about the lack of human interaction. I concentrated on putting myself out there and just started talking to others. It takes time.
    You said you are recently out, CONGRATS btw icon_wink.gif , do you have a large circle of Gay friends? There are plenty of really nice guys on this site that are from your area. You might want to drop a note to them and introduce yourself.

    Just opening up the way you have here might spark some intrest from others, or you in them, to become friends.

    Sometimes the Gay community may seem a bit isolationist at times, but despite our ideological differences we seem to make friendships that last.
    (Except Gay republicans....bleh. They are just to freaky for me. icon_razz.gif Seriously...can't stand them.)

    Tristan
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    Dec 03, 2011 9:46 PM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidI agree with the dog thing too. Go to a shelter and rescue one. It will do both you good in so many ways. You have a loyal companion and will give a dog a second chance at life. I'm serious about this. It will change your life....


    This is one of the few times I agree with you.
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    Dec 03, 2011 10:12 PM GMT
    You live in a hugely populated area. There must be plenty of things you can find to do.

    Given that you are just freshly out, your biggest obstacle is probably yourself. You may have invisible barriers that you've constructed over the years. You may be feeling unsure of yourself or what you want. Take some time to figure yourself out. Cross each bridge one by one until you feel more confident about yourself. (I think I have a nice construction metaphor going here.)

    I don't recommend adopting a dog unless you really know what you are getting into. Since you already have one, have you tried looking for dog parks? It can be a great way to exercise your pet and socialize with other dog owners at the same time.

    Fill out your profile more too. If you talk about additional interests, you might catch the eye of guys in your area. You could talk to them a bit online, and if all goes well, you could meet for coffee or something.