Dating someone older and of a different race

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    Dec 04, 2011 5:32 AM GMT
    First let me start off saying that this is my first post and i'm a little nervous...but here it goes. Well within the last few months I have begun a relationship with an older guy who means a lot to me. Our time spent together is great and I know I'm a better person when I'm around him. Well this guy I'm dating is twice my age and he is White (I'm black). We've expressed our feelings to one another and we seem perfect together but there are some issues that are beginning to make me nervous about our relationship. He questions the "age difference" and "generational difference" a lot and expresses to me that he thinks that is the biggest issue we face down the road. I guess I'm a little more passive about it bc i don't let things like that bother me, I just focus on enjoying the "now." When he expresses these doubts in our relationship, I get very nervous bc I feel he is almost giving up before even trying. He tries to reassure me that these issues don't have anything to do with me in particular but its just something he has to work through and to just give him time and be patient. I think the only time i become vulnerable is when he begins to talk like this because I really want the relationship to work. Any advice or suggestions on how I should respond the next time this doubt comes up again? In general I tell him that he has nothing to be afraid of because i'm not going anywhere. In a sense I understand what he is trying to express, that basically my life and career are just beginning and his are starting to end...It makes me a little sad but like I said I try to enjoy the present. P.S; Watching J.E. Hoover last night at the movies did not help at all bc it basically reiterated the challenge of being in a relationship with someone and losing them later on in life.
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    Dec 04, 2011 6:52 AM GMT
    Why not share this with him? That's what he's there for, to share in your life and in your heart's occasional soreness, I think.


    -Doug
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    Dec 04, 2011 8:28 AM GMT
    malibu20 saidWell this guy I'm dating is twice my age and he is White (I'm black). He questions the "age difference" and "generational difference" a lot and expresses to me that he thinks that is the biggest issue we face down the road.


    Sounds like me LOL. I'm also seeing a White guy who is twice my age. But it's not so much a race issue though.

    At-least the guy you're speaking with is talking with you about the issues.
    If these doubts surface again, I wouldn't fight with him; but rather I'd simply tell him the same thing I've had to say when my guy starts misbehaving: "If this is something you are not able to get over with, then I'm going to have to leave my options open."

    We should both write down all the reasons why we feel we're as attracted to these guys. I believe that will open your eyes up and figure out WHY you're so intent on keeping this relationship going. I think that once it's all on paper, maybe we will both realize that the effort and desire to hold things together isn't worth what we're getting out of it (uncertainty, flakiness, crumbs of time, etc)





    I like my 40s men, but a lot of times they be putting me through too many changes. Sometimes you just got to use them to wine and dine you and then move on to the next. I really don't know why they behave the way they do sometimes. Eventually they all end up projecting their mid-life crisis drama on you and you have to trade em out for something with lower mileage. I want a late model vehicle, not a 84 Buick. And it's not just the White men...
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    Dec 04, 2011 5:48 PM GMT
    The title of this thread should be renamed "Desperate Black/Asian Guys Guide to Dating Older White Men"

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    Dec 04, 2011 6:24 PM GMT
    TellMeWhereYouWannaGo saidThe title of this thread should be renamed "Desperate Black/Asian Guys Guide to Dating Older White Men"

    Maybe. Maybe not.

    Thanks to Malibu20 and Mochamuscle, I've learned. I hope the conversation will continue. The topic interests me because I'm an older guy and the Latino I'm seeing is definitely not desperate. (Te quiero, Jesus! )

    So far, the conversation has taught me that the "now" is important. So is keeping my mouth shut about age difference.

    I've also learned that when I'm ready for a trade-in, I can simply stop wining & dining.
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    Dec 04, 2011 7:00 PM GMT
    DBQmark said
    TellMeWhereYouWannaGo saidThe title of this thread should be renamed "Desperate Black/Asian Guys Guide to Dating Older White Men"

    Maybe. Maybe not.

    Thanks to Malibu20 and Mochamuscle, I've learned. I hope the conversation will continue. The topic interests me because I'm an older guy and the Latino I'm seeing is definitely not desperate. (Te quiero, Jesus! )

    So far, the conversation has taught me that the "now" is important. So is keeping my mouth shut about age difference.

    I've also learned that when I'm ready for a trade-in, I can simply stop wining & dining.


    But is it wrong to focus on the "now" for an older person? Isn't that a bit backward? Doesn't growing older give you the ability to look at things in the long run, and isn't that a part of maturity?

    In fact, I think this and things like this are a good reason why inter-generational dating is not a very good idea. People should grow together when they are dating, I think that's one of the best parts of a long-term relationship. When you are growing at such different paces I don't think it's very healthy for the development of either partner.

    Add to that the racial baggage that exists with young ethnic men dating old white men and you're in for a hell of a shit show because most of the time at least one of the people in the relationship is not in it for the right reasons.
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    Dec 04, 2011 7:20 PM GMT
    TellMeWhereYouWannaGo said
    Add to that the racial baggage that exists with young ethnic men dating old white men and you're in for a hell of a shit show because most of the time at least one of the people in the relationship is not in it for the right reasons.


    Have you ever been in a scenario like this before, I mean how would you know?

    There is no racial baggage that I know of that exists between dating older White men (if the White guy initiates the relationship) If anything, it's better off because at that age, they are generally mature enough and don't have a bunch of queeny club going, closed-minded friends talking about their decision to date an 'ethnic' guy.

    And FYI, "right reasons" varies by definition amongst everyone. To you, you probably think that having an older guy around who's able to treat the younger guy is wrong, and the older guy having the younger guy for means of steady sex is wrong...but maybe they like that setup? Don't be so judgmental.

    DBQmark said
    So far, the conversation has taught me that the "now" is important. So is keeping my mouth shut about age difference.

    I've also learned that when I'm ready for a trade-in, I can simply stop wining & dining.


    Well there you go. I mean, that's what ends up happening anyway. Hell, 40's men can be just detached emotionally as a 18 year old. You date em for a while, but then when they've had their fill...they want to move on and most of the time are so conceited that they can't even voice it.

    It's like a lot of them, don't even believe that a younger guy deserves to have a valid response about what's going in their little peanuts.
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    Dec 04, 2011 8:10 PM GMT
    mochamuscle said
    TellMeWhereYouWannaGo said
    Add to that the racial baggage that exists with young ethnic men dating old white men and you're in for a hell of a shit show because most of the time at least one of the people in the relationship is not in it for the right reasons.


    Have you ever been in a scenario like this before, I mean how would you know?

    There is no racial baggage that I know of that exists between dating older White men (if the White guy initiates the relationship) If anything, it's better off because at that age, they are generally mature enough and don't have a bunch of queeny club going, closed-minded friends talking about their decision to date an 'ethnic' guy.

    And FYI, "right reasons" varies by definition amongst everyone. To you, you probably think that having an older guy around who's able to treat the younger guy is wrong, and the older guy having the younger guy for means of steady sex is wrong...but maybe they like that setup? Don't be so judgmental.

    DBQmark said
    So far, the conversation has taught me that the "now" is important. So is keeping my mouth shut about age difference.

    I've also learned that when I'm ready for a trade-in, I can simply stop wining & dining.


    Well there you go. I mean, that's what ends up happening anyway. Hell, 40's men can be just detached emotionally as a 18 year old. You date em for a while, but then when they've had their fill...they want to move on and most of the time are so conceited that they can't even voice it.

    It's like a lot of them, don't even believe that a younger guy deserves to have a valid response about what's going in their little peanuts.


    Don't act like it's any secret that ethnic men go for older men because most white guys their own age will not have them. You even said yourself that they "don't have a bunch of queeny club going, closed-minded friends talking about their decision to date an 'ethnic' guy," meaning they, unlike younger guys, will date you despite your race. That's not fair to the older guy when his boyfriend would prefer to be with someone younger, but isn't because they can't get the younger white guy they want so they go for the old geezer.

    On the other hand, you see many older white men with ethnic men because those are the only younger men who will have them. Both situations are unfair to the partners involved, who should be into their mate regardless of age or race which is unfortunately often not the case.

    This can only complicate a a type of relationship that is already complicated as it is given the different phases we go through as we grow and how they might clash in an inter-generational relationship.
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    Dec 04, 2011 8:50 PM GMT
    TellMeWhereYouWannaGo said
    Don't act like it's any secret that ethnic men go for older men because most white guys their own age will not have them.
    On the other hand, you see many older white men with ethnic men because those are the only younger men who will have them. Both situations are unfair to the partners involved, who should be into their mate regardless of age or race which is unfortunately often not the case.


    I don't want to fucking hear that crap. That's the same old, worn out excuse people give to make it seem like an ethnic guy dating an older guy or vice versa is unacceptable.

    Stop trying to answer for other people. And then you say, "should be into their mate regardless of age or race." So what you trying to say? Either you agreeing with the fact that it doesn't matter the dynamics of the relationship, or you basically saying that if I'm dating an older guy, it's automatically assumed it's because I couldn't find a younger White guy?

    I'm tired of hearing the same old shit. All it is is discrimination and prejudice. Making assumptions about people's relationships based on some ideology that doesn't hold much basis. Jumping to conclusions about things just because it's a little different.

    To dispel your myth: I dated a White guy my age in the past year. The chemistry was there, but I just didn't like his financial state. I won't lie and say I'm not mainly interested in guys that have a bit of disposable income. That's just what I want for right now. So we just kept it to fuck buddy level. And I don't exclusively date White guys either so I don't know where the hell that comes from.

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    Dec 04, 2011 8:54 PM GMT
    I'm unsure, TellMeWhereYouWantToGo, about the source of your wisdom... the source of your authority.

    And actually, it's unimportant. It's unimportant because growing older has given me the ability to look at things in the long run, and yes, that's part of maturity.

    -- A 20-year-old man may believe he understands long-term relationships; how they form and how they are maintained.
    -- A 30-year-old many believe he understands death; how grief and loneliness feel.
    -- A 40-year-old may believe he has planned his career; has planned a future that is stable and durable.

    But that's not the topic for this thread, is it? This conversation is about dating someone older and of a different race.

    Dating can be complicated.

    It can also be simple.

    Want to go lift weights and then get a bite to eat?
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    Dec 04, 2011 9:00 PM GMT
    Another thing too, while I'm listening to Mariah Carey:

    Do you think Nick Cannon couldn't find White girls his age to date him? Do you think Mariah couldn't find White/Latin men in their 40s to date her? She was married to one! Or that no Black guys in their 20s would want to bang that?

    So stop all this bullshit about it's because we can't find someone our own age who is White.

    (then again, if the above is true...I'm flustered)
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    Dec 04, 2011 9:12 PM GMT
    mochamuscle saidAnother thing too, while I'm listening to Mariah Carey:

    Do you think Nick Cannon couldn't find White girls his age to date him? Do you think Mariah couldn't find White/Latin men in their 40s to date her? She was married to one! Or that no Black guys in their 20s would want to bang that?

    So stop all this bullshit about it's because we can't find someone our own age who is White.

    (then again, if the above is true...I'm flustered)


    Oh please, miss me with that bullshit, Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey are a rich, famous heterosexual couple. The dynamics of their dating pool is completely different than that of average gay people.


    LOL you said it yourself that older white guys are easier because they don't have a problem with you being 'ethnic'. Boom, bam, there it is.
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    Dec 04, 2011 10:42 PM GMT
    TellMeWhereYouWannaGo said
    Oh please, miss me with that bullshit, Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey are a rich, famous heterosexual couple. The dynamics of their dating pool is completely different than that of average gay people.


    LOL you said it yourself that older white guys are easier because they don't have a problem with you being 'ethnic'. Boom, bam, there it is.


    And that's why gay people will continue to be discriminated against (mainly amongst each other) and keep up with their narrow closed-minded ways. They can never see themselves equal with straight people. They always think "that's different". How? The dynamics are not different. Explain to me how they are?

    It should not matter if they are rich, famous or heterosexual. They are human just like the rest of us. Which means the dynamics are the same. Stop making excuses to justify your misconception of older/younger interracial relationship.

    So what about your last sentence, how is that points against me? I also didn't say younger guys had a problem with it either. I simply said they are less influenced by their friend's decisions about guys that they date. And their friends are usually also older and less judgmental.

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    Dec 06, 2011 11:50 AM GMT
    First, I think it's really cool that you don't let age bother you. I think it shows that you have the ability to love the person for himself rather then how old he is.

    The only advice I can give is try to talk things out with him. Try not to fight because fighting won't solve anything, just create more strain and unneeded problems. So the point is communication. Let him know how you are feeling but do it in a somewhat moderate way. You don't want to dump to much on him.

    I hope things work out for you two. Best wishes for the both of you.