My boyfriend just told me he cheated on me last week. How do you handle this?

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    Jul 21, 2007 4:50 PM GMT
    So here's the background. 1 1/2 year relationship. Very serious from the beggning, both of us in loves, etc. We are great companions, but sex has never been the strong point in our relationship (have some comptability issues, etc.) but we're usually having sex at least 1/x week. We move in together a couple of months ago. Then about 4 weeks go by and we're not having sex. Doesn't seem like either of us are feeling it...but he's clearly not iniating. Then he tells me that he juyst hooked-up with someone at the gym the previous week. He's very remoreseful and says he regretted it as soon as it happened but in the moment couldn't really help him self... Any thoughts or ideas?
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    Jul 21, 2007 5:29 PM GMT
    Most people in your situation I would say leave him. My saying is this....Once a cheater always a cheater. But you two have been in a relationship for a year and a half that's pretty good. Here's the problem "trust" do you feel you can still trust him? He's cheated on you once who's to say he won't do it again. Don't let his begging and apologizing blind you. Do what you feel is right which is always the hardest thing to do. If you still have the same amount of trust before you found out he cheated then you're willing to give him a second chance however, if you don't trust him then you need to do what's best for you.
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    Jul 21, 2007 5:40 PM GMT
    Here is the deal, if we weren't dating that long I would first beat the shit out of him, this coming from the bottom "girl" in the realtionship. I know me and my mom are big against cheating, out plans if my dad or my boyfriend/husband/whatever cheats on either of us has to do with, a chair, a knife, a blender, rope, and a cup!

    Anyway!If that happened to me and we weren't dating that long, besides my master plan, I would kick his ass, and throw him out. But if we were dating for that long...I would kick his ass. I would have sex with someone else and tell him every detail, maybe even show him...(ok not that dramatic to show me, I'm just really crazy if I get cheated on) but I would cheat on him back, and then have more sex with my boyfriend, and remind him of the plan!
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    Jul 22, 2007 11:29 AM GMT
    If you cheated to get back at him wouldn't that make you a hypocrite?

    What's done is done, if you want to be with him, you're gonna have to believe that it was a mistake and he didn't mean to hurt you otherwise it'll play in your mind that he'll continue to cheat. He made a huge mistake and he told you about it, it seems that he doesn't want to lose you and what you guys have means a lot to him. You don't have to forgive him but you have to move on. Be angry if it makes you angry, but keep your head on 'cos you can't be angry forever.

    Is there something that's bothering him? Seems that somethings not right before he cheated.
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    Jul 22, 2007 4:10 PM GMT
    Once the one-man/ one-women rule is broken then society needs to completely redefine itself. I think gay gays that think that they can just slip into the women's role with all the old narrow band rules intact are seriously deluded. Its not gonna be like "Leave to Beaver".. with two Dads. The dynamic between two guys or any other combination of people that would define a relationship is up for grabs.Striking down traditional marriage inadvertently changes everything and the rules that define the new family are not going to be the traditional ones between a man and a women.
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    Jul 22, 2007 4:32 PM GMT
    Yeah Fabian!

    When in doubt, always resort to violence! It solves all problems!

    Also never to under estimate the importance of junvenile vendetta! Be as manipulative as you can when playing this vindictive game! Sleep with every men you can and show him! That will just make you such a better person!

    The only problem is, you may not be able to follow your own advice because you will end up in jail for physical assault...
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    Jul 22, 2007 4:45 PM GMT
    "...I know me and my mom are big against cheating, out plans if my dad or my boyfriend/husband/whatever cheats on either of us has to do with, a chair, a knife, a blender, rope, and a cup!..."

    This is absolutely deranged. And it shows how some gay men are not beyond the "wife beater", sociopathic behavior of red necks, and have a smarmy, in-your-face sense of entitlement to engage in such puff-out-your-chest gangster behavior.
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    Jul 22, 2007 4:47 PM GMT
    Would you be upset if he'd gone to dinner or the movies or skinny dipping with another guy?

    What is it about sex that makes it different than other activities? Especially among gay men and women. It's not as if anyone's gonna get pregnant. I guess I'm finding out differently than I'd thought, but, for some men, cuddling is more important than getting off. At least, that what it sounds like. I've always considered it an advantage to being a gay man that I don't really have to bother with romance. Other aspects of sex can be explored and addressed w/o the idolatry of flowers.

    My advice? Search yourself and see if you yourself wouldn't mind jumping someone else's bones once in awhile. If you say no, give yourself a year and ask again.
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    Jul 22, 2007 5:53 PM GMT
    Fabian is own little Loreena Bobbitt.
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    Jul 22, 2007 5:56 PM GMT
    Im going to take another direction.

    You wouldn't be asking the question if you didn't love him. He wouldn't confess the indiscression to you if he didn't love you.

    So, what to do from here?

    Both of you need to sit down and really hash out what you want from one another with a specific follow up date. If your going to work on your relationship, then do it! BUT, with some specific ground rules.

    Until the trust is back (say after a 3 month follow up discussion)

    Lip kissing: Out (until you truly know where his mouth has been)
    Sucking: Out(unless you do it with a condom), he/or you will just have to get use to it...until the trust is back.
    Sex: Had better increase to more than once a week or your relationship is doomed.
    And lets not forget the joint bank account if there is one, discontinue (except for the essentials) until he wins your trust back.
    [Just some suggestions :]

    Relax the restrictions as the trust develops, he has to know that your not going to tollerate the cheating. If there's true remorse things will be back to normal within 6 months. If not, then make your move out of the situation.
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    Jul 22, 2007 6:48 PM GMT
    McGay: your right no one is going to get pregnant but they could get aids or syphlis or herpes or ghonnorea or a host of other things

    Once a cheater always a cheater dump his ass he isnt worth you.
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    Jul 22, 2007 7:08 PM GMT
    Really your the only one who can decide what to do. If you can forgive that would be a good thing, but what are the chances of him doing it again. Why did he cheat? I mean after a one and half year realationship if he did it just for better sex......well then he was being an ass. Forgiveness is a virtue, but can heal the trust that was damage? You need to think about what you want and do that.
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    Jul 22, 2007 7:18 PM GMT
    Leave.
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    Jul 22, 2007 7:20 PM GMT
    fabians> I would first beat the shit out of him... and remind him of the ["chair, a knife, a blender, rope, and a cup"] plan!

    Mental note to myself: never date fabians. He might kill me just because he thought I cheated on him.... Of course I say this half in jest, but I don't think violence (or the threat of violence) is the answer, let alone builds trust.


    jim_e He made a huge mistake and he told you about it, it seems that he doesn't want to lose you

    I think there's a lot of sense in that.

    jim_e> Is there something that's bothering him?

    Very good question. My ex and I once got into a famous argument over which brand of orange juice to buy. Obviously that wasn't the issue....


    Relationships take work. It's very easy to get into a rut and just go with it until something (or everything) blows up in your face. It's a lot easier to start working on things before you get to that point.

    Xandir, I know nothing about you or yours except what you posted above. So I could be totally off. But it sounds as if you guys love each other but just haven't put it all together yet. 12 years into our relationship, my partner and I are still working on it and learning. If it's necessary, there's nothing wrong with going to a counselor to talk things over. The purpose isn't to make life become a fairy tale, but to learn to discuss things amongst yourselves.

    One thing that I think needs discussion is sex. If once a week is good for both of you that's fine. But I also heard you say "he's clearly not initiating". Is that a change or perhaps for some reason he thinks you should initiate? (Because you're older/younger, because he's not sure if you want it, because initiating makes him the "slut" in some warped religious view....).

    You've got a lot to talk about and if this unfortunate incident makes that happen, then maybe it's all for the better.
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    Jul 22, 2007 8:00 PM GMT
    ok so you are going out with someone from a year and a half and he was with someone else and we are actually having a discussion on what to do!!?

    kick his ass out and tell him that you want nothing to do with him ever again, how can someone disrepect the person they supposedly love!

    If it was up to me, I would be saying that I deserve someone better....leave!
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    Jul 22, 2007 8:02 PM GMT
    If he loved you there is no 'Lost in the moment'. The second you crossed his mind he should have said "no, love is greater than a steam room blow job". If he says it doesn't mean anything, just remember he chose it over you at that moment. Guess that means you weren't all that important either.
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    Jul 22, 2007 8:25 PM GMT
    I cheated on my partner once. I couldn't live with myself. I went into a downward spiral leading nowhere but out of the relationship. But I didn't want it to end. So I confessed. I confessed in order to restore the honesty between us. He forgave me, and I never cheated on him again. I was in one other relationship since then, and I never cheated on him either. No more LTRs. evAr
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    Jul 22, 2007 8:36 PM GMT
    I think that you should cool down and try to have a good long chat with your boyfriend. Try to know the reason for his behaviour. After that, take a decision.

    Remember this : "Trust is earned not given away".

    Good luck :)
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    Jul 22, 2007 9:36 PM GMT
    Talk to him.

    If you say he's remorseful then maybe he really regrets it... and that he may have had an epiphany that he realy LOVEs you after what happened.

    Just remember that the decision is totally UP TO YOU. You have the upper hand, because he cheated on you.

    If you decide to keep him... Let him know that trust is broken and it has to be earned. There are trust issues now. He now has to work his ass off to earn your trust once more. And that will really let you know if he really was regretfull and that if he really loves you.

    And there's nothing wrong either if you break up with him. Because cheating for me is grounds for ending a relationship.

    Goodluck Xandir.
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    Jul 22, 2007 10:25 PM GMT
    damn you guys are so conservative. :)

    why not just try an open relationship?

    boys will be boys!
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    Jul 22, 2007 10:31 PM GMT
    First of all, congratulations on having a successful relationship that has survived for more than a year.

    Everyone in a long term relationship has to confront issues over monogamy and fidelity. What you need to do is sit down and talk to your partner and try to have a long chat about what you both want out of the relationship. You can salvage everything from this if you both try. It may well make your partnership stronger. The key is to talk to each other and be honest.
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    Jul 23, 2007 1:53 AM GMT
    well thanks for all the feedback, this has been emotinally very trying for me its been great to hear all the different points of views (except fabian because I don't believe that violence is an appopriate solution in intimate relationships...call me crazy!).

    I think its pretty clear that his sexual needs weren't being met in the relationship. I'm exclusively a bottom and he wants me to top him and take more agressive/assertive sexual role. Also, he complains that the sex is dull and routine. I can understand where he's coming from but feel like he's blaming me for everything (which he often does). He says that I gave him mixed messages because I brought-up the possibility of an open relationship (in the context of him going to online dating websites) so that we could both honestly seek outside sex.

    In addition, I feel like I'm in the dog house ever since he brought up the cheating. He doesn't touch me, express affect, or anything or return any affection I express. Its really weird.

    The sad part is that I just moved in with him (he really wanted me to move in and I had my doubts) and now I really regret it. Had this happened 2 months ago, I could have easily taken a relationship breather and sorted-out mentally what I want to do here. And if I wanted to break-up, I could have done so pretty easily. As it is I feel trapped and we're both unhappy. He's willing to try couples counseling and I think we will go that route but the relationship feels very damaged and I am pretty confused about the situation...its only been a week though so who knows.
    x
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    Jul 23, 2007 3:26 AM GMT
    Go deep in your heart and take the best decision you can. Good luck and all my hopes :)
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    Jul 23, 2007 5:17 AM GMT
    sadly I suspect the whole story has yet to be uncovered.
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    Jul 23, 2007 12:06 PM GMT
    So much vitrial...sheesh! Get a life! Either you love him and he loves you or you don't. Relationships are give and take and don't think for one minute that someone may not come along a tweak your fantasy. I've been with my partner for two decades. We are still in love after all this time, and yes, one of us has cheated. There is so much more to relationships that 'tits and ass'...it's time to figure that one out...