When do I call him a BF? Am I thinking about this too much? Help/Advise please

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2011 5:15 AM GMT
    I'm going to start with a little background so you know where I am coming from. I have recently come to terms with who I am, blah blah blah you all know this part. So I started doing the online thing to meet guys. Also it's important to note that I have never had a relationship...neither girl nor guy, ever.

    Around 4-5 weeks ago I met this guy, amazing classy guy actually, he is basically exactly what I was looking for...We hung out at first, went to the str8 bars, grabbed a drink, shot some darts and talked. We hung out more and more eventually I spent the night, he even kept it above the waist, which compared to the other guys I met who went for it the first time I met them was a welcome relief. Anyway, we have been continuing to hang out, go out together and the sleep overs have continued. Even going so far that i have met his friend and he has met some of mine. Some of these friends have told me they wanted to make a good impression on me because he liked me and wanted me to like his friends.

    Now...This may seem a little sophomoric but how do I proceed with this relationship? What do I do? When would he become a boyfriend? Idk what to call us, he tells people that we are "just talking" but at the same time he tells me everything, the guys that hit on him when hes out he turns down, he tells me things he wouldn't tell anyone else and everything. He's a rather shy guy about his emotions most of the time, less with me but as it stands he's still hard to read and most of the time I have to make the first move. Which is awkward for me because my first kiss was this summer. Should I ask him if he wanted to be my BF? or what is the norm?

    On a side note. Like I said I have slept over at least once or twice every week for the past 4 weeks or so. Recently when getting dressed one morning noticed like 4 condoms, like the ones you get from the bar (I just found this out from him mind you) lying on the side of his bed. One was used!

    I might be thinking to much into this because there are multiple things that could explain it. First of all being he hasn't cleaned his room in a month, I asked, lol hes got cloths everywhere and stuff like that. That's longer then I have known him so he could have been used it before then. However I do not remember seeing it there before. He also has cats which reek havoc on everything...At the same time I guess we are not in a relationship. Idk, seeing as he won't even go that far with me strikes me as a little odd and maybe hes...idk, Am I thinking to much into this even before we are in a relationship.

    I want a response other then "Talk to him" because I will eventually...

    Thanks for the help/advise.
  • 4another

    Posts: 20

    Dec 05, 2011 7:30 AM GMT
    Just talk to him. You could get a hundred different opinions from a hundred different guys on this board, but none of them will matter until you talk to your guy and get his feel for what your relationship is and where it's headed.

    Good luck man icon_biggrin.gif
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Dec 05, 2011 7:42 AM GMT
    popostylz saidhow do I proceed with this relationship? What do I do? When would he become a boyfriend?

    I have slept over at least once or twice every week for the past 4 weeks or so. Recently when getting dressed one morning noticed like 4 condoms, . . .One was used! . . . he won't even go that far with me strikes me as a little odd and maybe hes. . .


    At most 2 x /week - 4 weeks = 8 times (at most) you have had sex (and you weren't using condoms) but he's using condoms with someone else.
    So, you are more than a one night stand and less than a BF. You don't want to be advised to talk to him, yet there is no other way to find out what he thinks about your relationship. You could continue on as you are, and things may develop, or they may stay the same. What do you want out of this? Or do you know yet? (Not asking, but suggesting that you have to let yourself know.) He may want the same, or may not, or may be happy for things to continue as they are. If you want to know what's going on in his head, there is no way to find out without him telling you. So you can ask, and (maybe) find out, or go on wondering.
  • mich_jock

    Posts: 19

    Dec 05, 2011 7:51 AM GMT
    I'm pretty much in the same boat. I want to be really clear of what I'm looking for, and that's to get serious. I'd see what he thinks about that. Good luck, it's hard. First time is rough, I've thought a lot of crazy things. Don't lose yourself in it all.
  • wpc56

    Posts: 45

    Dec 05, 2011 8:59 AM GMT
    You should talk to him about being exclusive... you can start with softball question like where do you see ourselves and that starts a series of question about are you happy... etc.

    Don't worry about the condom thing, it has nothing to do with the relationship between the two of you.

    Eventually you'll reach a point, for me it was about 3 months, where you kinda need to define your relationship... you'll know in your gut whether you will want to pursue a relationship with this guy or not.

    If you do, just go ahead and ask... you'll never know until you ask him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2011 11:27 AM GMT
    4 - 5 weeks your dating, nothing more, he might share lots with you and have met friends and so on but you guys are stil in the dating phase.

    personally I'm more like 4 to 5 months then they might be considered a boyfriend, but when that happens I don't usually talk to them about it I just tell them we are at that point in our relationship or I start introducing him as such.

    Don't be in a rush to call him your boyfriend, just enjoy your time with him, learn as much about him as you can and enjoy everything
  • buckled

    Posts: 165

    Dec 05, 2011 1:53 PM GMT
    lilTanker said4 - 5 weeks your dating, nothing more, he might share lots with you and have met friends and so on but you guys are stil in the dating phase.

    personally I'm more like 4 to 5 months then they might be considered a boyfriend, but when that happens I don't usually talk to them about it I just tell them we are at that point in our relationship or I start introducing him as such.

    Don't be in a rush to call him your boyfriend, just enjoy your time with him, learn as much about him as you can and enjoy everything


    ^^^ THIS

    4-5 weeks is nothing. Enjoy the time you're having together and stop wanting to rush things. Relationships take time to develop. That's one of the problems I have when dating guys.. they want to move too fast (and I've been guilty of this in the past as well). 3-4 months is usually my determining factor.

    Take it slowwwwww =)
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 05, 2011 2:00 PM GMT
    I absolutely agree with most of what has been said above. Do take it slow, especially since you haven't "been involved" before..... communication is key. I've always thought the term "boyfriend" is applicable when you have an exclusive relationship.

    In the meantime, if you do have sex, make sure to USE the condoms that are laying around.. always follow safe sex practices and think about what you are doing!

    Communication really is important and you need to establish it early or the chances of him really being a boyfriend is limited...

    Good luck with it!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2011 5:57 PM GMT
    Thanks for the replies guys, I'll just take it as it comes.

    And BTW I use condoms when appropriate, but I knew that wasn't mine.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2011 7:48 PM GMT
    Well I don't know how's the protocol where you come from, but where I come from we don't like "ask someone to be our boyfriend". It just comes with the time and eventually one of the two just says it out loud.

    But my guess would be that it's going down the relationship-road. If he would want to have sex with you he already would, if he wanted to be just friends with you why would you do sleep overs (with things going on above the waist). He seems to really care about you. So congratulations icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2011 12:33 AM GMT
    popostylz saidThanks for the replies guys, I'll just take it as it comes.

    And BTW I use condoms when appropriate, but I knew that wasn't mine.


    when appropriate??? icon_rolleyes.gif you mean you've barebacked??
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2011 12:45 AM GMT
    I think you should do some of the initiation. It's a good way to communicate your intentions to him. Don't except him to run the whole show. I think sex between you two is a bit overdue. It you don't have chemistry for that you may not be BF material. By holding back on sex you may be communicating to him that you don't think he is BF material.

    You can't expect the dude to keep hold a load 4 weeks ,hence the condom use. You have not provided him an outlet.
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Dec 07, 2011 12:57 AM GMT
    Slow down lol and enjoy the ride
    Are you happy? are you having fun?
    Do you feel the need to not see others?
    Do what makes you feel good and ease up on any strings.
    The relationship will form of its own accord and on its own schedule.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2011 2:38 AM GMT
    Terms like boyfriend and even partner lack precise definitions. One guy's BF is another guy's fuck buddy, or friend with privileges as is more popular now.

    I've always considered him to be a BF when we're dating exclusively (though strangely not always being monogamous), are having sex, and this has gone on for about 2 or 3 months. Your own mileage may vary.

    He's the guy who drops by your house at any time, and you his, and you may each have keys. Situations permitting, you each sleep over pretty regularly. He's the only guy you want to spend time alone with. But you haven't combined your households yet, the money is separate except for gifts or dinners, you haven't taken legal actions to recognize each other, so you're not partners.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2011 2:53 AM GMT
    Suetonius said
    popostylz saidhow do I proceed with this relationship? What do I do? When would he become a boyfriend?

    I have slept over at least once or twice every week for the past 4 weeks or so. Recently when getting dressed one morning noticed like 4 condoms, . . .One was used! . . . he won't even go that far with me strikes me as a little odd and maybe hes. . .


    At most 2 x /week - 4 weeks = 8 times (at most) you have had sex (and you weren't using condoms) but he's using condoms with someone else.
    So, you are more than a one night stand and less than a BF. You don't want to be advised to talk to him, yet there is no other way to find out what he thinks about your relationship. You could continue on as you are, and things may develop, or they may stay the same. What do you want out of this? Or do you know yet? (Not asking, but suggesting that you have to let yourself know.) He may want the same, or may not, or may be happy for things to continue as they are. If you want to know what's going on in his head, there is no way to find out without him telling you. So you can ask, and (maybe) find out, or go on wondering.


    ^ agree
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2011 3:07 AM GMT
    how is his personality, is he cold towards you or very warm, that is a big determination about how he feels about you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 13, 2011 1:32 AM GMT
    alpha13You can't expect the dude to keep hold a load 4 weeks ,hence the condom use. You have not provided him an outlet.


    I have been an outlet icon_biggrin.gif, but I see what your saying.

    archon saidhow is his personality, is he cold towards you or very warm, that is a big determination about how he feels about you.


    No, he's very open with me...Yet people tell him all the time he's hard to read, but I haven't really had that problem.
  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Dec 14, 2011 6:43 PM GMT


    Based on what you've told us, if I were you I would say you are dating or seeing each other. I only refer to somebody as my boyfriend after we've discussed it openly together and both agree that we are a couple. I would wait until it has been about 2 months and then have a talk with him about where you both see the relationship going and what you both want. Also, my tip is that if you want to be monogamous with somebody you should try it yourself first before you bring it up with him, to make sure you can handle it before you commit to one another that you're exclusive. My boyfriend and I decided pretty early on (about 8 weeks) that we wanted to be monogamous and that we wouldn't see any other people, but I stopped looking for other guys about 3 weeks into dating him because I knew he was somebody I wanted to be serious with right away.