Stepsister Passed Away

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2011 6:35 AM GMT
    Hey everyone,

    So yesterday my stepsister took her own life by a drug overdose. Right now I am trying to hold everyone together and help out in anyway I can but I honestly don't know what to do. I am trying to be the stronger one and being there for my siblings...I am the eldest...kind of my job. My stepsister and I always had a rocky relationship. I would always be nice to her, hang out with her, invite her out...and each time she would spit it right back into my face by causing all sorts of drama. I hated her and envied her and loved her at the same time. She was one of those naturally brilliant people who did nothing with their life while I always struggled academically.

    This past August we went to Turks and Caicos for a family vacation. I slept with someone there as did she. She was dating this fucking loser of a boyfriend at the time. He is 28 years old...drug addict...piece of shit human being who I believe introduced her to the drugs. Anyway, I told her at Turks that I wasn't going to tell him and that it was her decision. So she cheated on him and the day we returned I got a nasty message from her boyfriend. It was a giant piece of hate mail that I didn't even bother reading. So I blocked her on facebook and told myself to be done with it.

    I was always nice to her...even if I had to fake it...but always nice nonetheless. At that point I was just done with the drama. So during Thanksgiving I saw her and her fucking boyfriend and which again...I played nice. I pulled Erica aside and wanted to talk to her and she knew about the message. She said he was drunk and has been wanting to apologize to me. So I told myself ok...fine...maybe I'll give them both another chance. We all went out for a quick errand and thought this would be a good time for us to talk. Of course, i wanted the boyfriend to bring it up and he didnt...so I told myself to forget about it.

    Before the dinner I took a shower and when I came out he left. Mind you...he showed up drunk at 1pm..completely disrespectful. So my stepsister was freaking out and for some reason they were bringing up the Turks and Caicos thing...I still don't know to this day why they hadn't settled this shit already. She was lying to him and apparently been telling her boyfriend that I held her down while she was raped. So instead of owning up to her mistake she made up this nasty lie about me. I called the boyfriend the real story and he apologized to me and said i was 'off the hook'...i told him I shouldnt have been on the hook for anything.

    This lie really pissed me off because I didn't deserve it and felt it was a dirty, dirty thing to say. This past monday I sent her a few...not so nice texts saying things like "I am so done with you Erica...you are a pathological liar...that bullshit rape story was out of line...you and your boyfriend feed of each other's poison and deserve each other." This was the meanest thing I have ever done and now it is too late to even apologize. She has apparently been a user for awhile...the people who took Erica to the hospital saw the markings on her legs and arms from heroine use. We got a hold of her laptop and saw she had been searching for painless ways of killing yourself. The boyfriend walked on her dead and instead of calling 911 he attempted to kill himself as well. His mother walked in on the both of them and he is now in the hospital.

    I feel horrible. I really do. The last contact I had from her was me sending her horrible messages that I didn't mean. I want to apologize. I wanted to help her...I wish I could have done something to prevent it but its done. I guess the only thing I can do is love and remember her, learn from it, and be there for my family.

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    Dec 05, 2011 7:11 AM GMT
    thinking of you, Alex.
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    Dec 05, 2011 10:35 AM GMT


    Lyrics:
    Take a look around when you're going down
    Cause you'll never feel so high
    As when you hid in her arms in the sky and the world slept

    And there's no use to say just how much it kills
    When it still kills all the same
    Every thought of her name like a hand to an open flame

    Chorus
    She was the heart in your heartbreak
    She was the miss in your mistake
    And no matter what you take,
    you're never going to forget
    She was the tear in a rainstorm
    She was the promise that you would've sworn
    And no matter what you say,
    it's never gonna come back

    An ambulance goes by, and you wonder why
    It never stops when you want it to
    It never stops when you need it to take you away

    And your friends don't understand that the world could end,
    And it would feel no worse than this
    Every thought of the look in her eye
    Like a cold California sky

    Chorus
    She was the heart in your heartbreak
    She was the miss in your mistake
    And no matter what you take,
    you're never going to forget
    She was the tear in a rainstorm
    She was the promise that you would've sworn
    And no matter what you say,
    it's never gonna come back

    guitar solo

    And no matter what you pray,
    It's never gonna take the pain away
    And even if she'd stay you know it's wrong
    And no matter what you pray,
    it's never gonna take the pain away
    Cause even if she'd stay, you know she's gone
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2011 10:47 AM GMT
    huge and more hugs man...sorry
    Sound like a serious intervention was needed.
    You can't fight against or save the addict with out help, and lots of it.
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    Dec 05, 2011 10:47 AM GMT


  • RSportsguy

    Posts: 1925

    Dec 05, 2011 1:17 PM GMT
    So sorry for your loss Alexander!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 05, 2011 2:09 PM GMT
    Very sorry to hear about what happened, Alex... I hope you aren't feeling guilty on an ongoing basis about this, it serves no good.

    You didn't know the entire picture of what was happening.. you know if you did, you probably would have reacted differently. Take the time, be there for your family and if it continues to bother you, reach out to others that may be having the same issues and volunteer to help. Giving of yourself
    is the best way to work through any guilt issues you may have.
    Move forward and be well.

    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 05, 2011 3:09 PM GMT
    Thank you everyone for the support...I truly appreciate you guys taking the time to read my post and reply...thank you so, so much. We went through all her belongings, talking with the police...and still waiting to hear from the boyfriend at the hospital. We think he is going to be institutionalized after but when he gets out...we don't think he is going to make it.

    IT really is just one big giant mess of shit. My mom and I are trying to hold everyone together but I know it isn't going to be easy.

    Thank you guys again

    -Alex
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    Dec 05, 2011 3:58 PM GMT
    My thoughts and prayers are with you Alex. Please don't see your actions as the cause of your stepsister taking her own life. She clearly, from your account, had many issues that she struggled with. You seemed to have extended an olive branch for a very long time, endured the pain of accusations and worked hard to make amends without reciprocation. Take knowing that and place it into your heart with the sorrow of her passing. It's not you, it wasn't your fault. We choose which path to walk in life and we have many opportunities to veer from that path to something better, but for some, the path keeps calling them back. Your stepsister seemed stuck and it's always unfortunate that she ended up thinking that her path was a dead end when in truth, YOU were one of the many different paths she could have taken.

    Although right now it's very hard, keep it together, hold your head high and know that what you did was to take the high road. You did everything you could and even though there was some anger in the end, it's not what made the difference. The choice was long before you were pushed to the end of your rope.

    Hang in there. I wish you and your family well. Take time to mourn and know that you have many friends here on RJ that are always here to support you with lots of love.
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    Dec 05, 2011 5:30 PM GMT
    The loss of a loved one is never easy, especially when there were so many unresolved issues.

    My brother and I are in a similar situation. He became addicted to opiates, screwed over the entire family, told lies that would make your skin crawl, and did all he could to split everyone apart. The last words I had with him before he disappeared were horrible, though most came from his mouth and not mine.

    I keep thinking that I should have intervened, but there's nothing any of us could have done to stop this monster.

    If you seek redemption either for yourself or your stepsister's spirit (should you believe in such things), you should consider making sure your stepsister's boyfriend knows you care. He probably won't want anyone near him, but you should try. It will help you find peace.

    I don't know you, but I will keep you in my thoughts.
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    Dec 05, 2011 5:38 PM GMT
    So sorry for your loss Alex. icon_cry.gif
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    Dec 05, 2011 6:19 PM GMT
    Alex-

    My condolences to you.

    A story....I have a relative and she got a call from her husband who was about to go out and play golf. He told her that he didn't feel well. She was busy at work and told him, "Oh its probably just indigestion. Go on and play golf. You'll feel better once you get out on the course." He was healthy and she felt it wasn't anything serious. Well, you guessed it. A few hours later, she gets the phone call saying that he had a massive heart attack, and died on the golf course.

    The fact is, too often we play a role in the injury and death of those we love most. We make thousands of random choices....like we invite somebody to dinner, and they get killed on the way home. Or we buy a particular model car, drive it in a certain way...and get t-boned by a drunk driver, killing our passenger. "If only I had....." And if the person is a dysfunctional and hostile family member...the likelihood is much higher that we'll rightfully be acting at our most defensive toward them.

    And then there is something deeper and darker about your step-sister. Its obvious that she was mean to you, and also knew she was going to kill herself. So...I strongly suspect that she deliberately or subconsciously set it up so the last contact would saddle you with a lifetime of unearned guilt.

    My advice is don't bite on this postmortem trap.

    Mourn her, yes. But realize that she was dysfunctional and chose not to help herself. These situations never end well.

    As for you, you know in your heart what type of person you are. I've read many of your posts here, and I know that you're a good and kind man. If I didn't sincerely believe that...I never would have posted this.

  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Dec 05, 2011 7:45 PM GMT
    IT'S NOT YOUR JOB TO "HOLD EVERYONE TOGETHER."

    Each of the adults are on their own to handle this in their own way.
    And, all children should turn to their parents to answer any questions they might have.

    Have you realized that, no matter how much you did for your sister, to her, it was never enough ?
    Your sister had problems coping with life.
    That's not your fault, nor your responsibility.

    I'm sorry for your loss.

    Now, you need to set yourself free.
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    Dec 05, 2011 8:14 PM GMT
    Sorry to learn of your loss, Alex. These happenings cause us to second guess and wonder if anything we could have done might have made a difference. You're 20 now. This is a tough situation, and I'm guessing you've not known that many people who have died. You've got some great guys above me here offering words of solace and advice. The only point I can offer is to give yourself permission to move on and realize we each choose our own path. Take care of yourself and appreciate all the good around you.
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    Dec 05, 2011 9:59 PM GMT