Explain to me why guys will have sex or close to it with someone they don't attend on ever seeing or responding back to again?

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    Dec 05, 2011 8:06 AM GMT
    I really am at a loss, and it's really bothering me. Tonight I met up with someone who basically told me he "was really bad at calling guys back, that he ignored calls for guys he had been with in the past," as soon as he said this I knew I didn't want anything more to do with him. Although I am physically attracted to him, I'd rather have nothing then be the flavor of the day and feel like shit when he won't respond back to me. However "one and done" seems to be the only thing I can get. With one guy I see every so often, I am the flavor of the day for a month at a time, a miniscule improvement, shitty nonetheless.

    If I meet with someone whom I knew I would not want to see again I would not engage in anything sexual, because I wouldn't have a desire to, yet it seems like every guy but me, has the desire to screw and then move on. I just don't get it! Why am I so alien?! The only reason I do "hook-up," and it's after having somewhat of a "date," is I am under the impression that the other guy actually enjoys the time spent with me and what were doing to want to do it again. If I knew ahead a time, like with this guy I met tonight I wouldn't bother. What do I need to do to actually get a guy who will stick around and have all the benefits of sex and some sort of relationship?

    And before you guys get at me for being in the position I am with my sexual identity, I would gladly come out for the right guy, but I see no reason to out myself when I have nobody.
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    Dec 05, 2011 8:24 AM GMT
    People like that aren't worth energy thinking about.

    I've come across several guys like that in the past, one even telling me, "I don't usually do repeats" on our 2nd 'fuck date'. They are immature, emotionally unavailable pricks that don't deserve your time.

    I actually avoided one myself; we met at the club 1 night, he was begging to take me home..but I declined. But he knew I liked him and we chatted over late night breakfast. Then after that, he sees me every week but just smiles but has never taken up my offer to meetup 1 on 1 again. He doesn't even want to.

    I've come to the realization many gay guys have been beaten, abused, neglected, tossed out and have rotten ass souls. They have a disregard for themselves and others (another similar guy I met before, we had 2nd date sex, but then he started ignoring me. Then couple weeks later I go to visit him and he's all beaten up and abused with a Black eye and bruises everywhere) Any guy who respected himself or others wouldn't be doing no fucked up shit like what you described.

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    Dec 05, 2011 8:28 AM GMT
    mochamuscle saidPeople like that aren't worth energy thinking about.

    I've come across several guys like that in the past, one even telling me, "I don't usually do repeats" on our 2nd 'fuck date'. They are immature, emotionally unavailable pricks that don't deserve your time.

    I actually avoided one myself; we met at the club 1 night, he was begging to take me home..but I declined. But he knew I liked him and we chatted over late night breakfast. Then after that, he sees me every week but just smiles but has never taken up my offer to meetup 1 on 1 again. He doesn't even want to.

    I've come to the realization many gay guys have been beaten, abused, neglected, tossed out and have rotten ass souls. They don't respect themselves or others.



    Right, but the only people I've met, that I am attracted to (i.e. my type: masculine/butch, not campy and feminine) are this way.
  • Suetonius

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    Dec 05, 2011 8:38 AM GMT
    I can really sympathize with you - it can be hard to connect with gay men in their 20's who are looking for a relationship, and want more than a one night stand. I am sure that not every guy just wants to have only a 1-nighter or hook-up, but it is true that a lot do, especially with guys under 30 or so. Sex is so available, and there is always someone new. I suggest just keeping yourself open to finding someone, and hang out with some gay clubs (even if you are not "out" in public). Groups formed around some common interest (like a sport) are a much better way of meeting more serious minded gays than just going to bars and "meeting" online. (Chicago is a really big place, and you are not likely to run into people you do not want to be out to at gay club events.) Maybe if you were looking for uomini instead of ragazzi, you would have a better chance of finding someone serious. Just a thought. Buona fortuna.
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    Dec 05, 2011 8:44 AM GMT
    Suetonius saidI can really sympathize with you - it can be hard to connect with gay men in their 20's who are looking for a relationship, and want more than a one night stand. I am sure that not every guy just wants to have only a 1-nighter or hook-up, but it is true that a lot do, especially with guys under 30 or so. Sex is so available, and there is always someone new. I suggest just keeping yourself open to finding someone, and hang out with some gay clubs (even if you are not "out" in public). Groups formed around some common interest (like a sport) are a much better way of meeting more serious minded gays than just going to bars and "meeting" online. (Chicago is a really big place, and you are not likely to run into people you do not want to be out to at gay club events.) Maybe if you were looking for uomini instead of ragazzi, you would have a better chance of finding someone serious. Just a thought. Buona fortuna.


    Thank you, but I did say un ragazzo (meaning boyfriend in Italian and not ragazzi) and I seriously don't understand the pleasure of a one-night stand.
  • Suetonius

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    Dec 05, 2011 9:01 AM GMT
    NewNDiscreet said
    Suetonius saidI can really sympathize with you - it can be hard to connect with gay men in their 20's who are looking for a relationship, and want more than a one night stand. I am sure that not every guy just wants to have only a 1-nighter or hook-up, but it is true that a lot do, especially with guys under 30 or so. Sex is so available, and there is always someone new. I suggest just keeping yourself open to finding someone, and hang out with some gay clubs (even if you are not "out" in public). Groups formed around some common interest (like a sport) are a much better way of meeting more serious minded gays than just going to bars and "meeting" online. (Chicago is a really big place, and you are not likely to run into people you do not want to be out to at gay club events.) Maybe if you were looking for uomini instead of ragazzi, you would have a better chance of finding someone serious. Just a thought. Buona fortuna.


    Thank you, but I seriously don't understand the pleasure of a one-night stand.

    Maybe that lack of understanding is a good thing for you in the long run. The pleasure of a hookup or one night stand is certainly not limited to gays - young straight guys enjoy it a lot. Not that that will make you feel any better. Try meeting guys in non-sexual situations. You are more likely to meet serious guys then. You can find gay men anywhere - it doesn't have to be a gay venue.
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    Dec 05, 2011 9:08 AM GMT
    Suetonius said
    NewNDiscreet said
    Suetonius saidI can really sympathize with you - it can be hard to connect with gay men in their 20's who are looking for a relationship, and want more than a one night stand. I am sure that not every guy just wants to have only a 1-nighter or hook-up, but it is true that a lot do, especially with guys under 30 or so. Sex is so available, and there is always someone new. I suggest just keeping yourself open to finding someone, and hang out with some gay clubs (even if you are not "out" in public). Groups formed around some common interest (like a sport) are a much better way of meeting more serious minded gays than just going to bars and "meeting" online. (Chicago is a really big place, and you are not likely to run into people you do not want to be out to at gay club events.) Maybe if you were looking for uomini instead of ragazzi, you would have a better chance of finding someone serious. Just a thought. Buona fortuna.


    Thank you, but I seriously don't understand the pleasure of a one-night stand.

    Maybe that lack of understanding is a good thing for you in the long run. The pleasure of a hookup or one night stand is certainly not limited to gays - young straight guys enjoy it a lot. Not that that will make you feel any better. Try meeting guys in non-sexual situations. You are more likely to meet serious guys then. You can find gay men anywhere - it doesn't have to be a gay venue.


    I wish I had had gaydar, I never know when a guy is gay unless it's really obvious, so I wouldn't be able to tell if a guy was gay in a non gay environment. I have some good straight guy friends, it's much easier being friends with straight guys since I don't have expectations of there being more.
  • Suetonius

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    Dec 05, 2011 9:09 AM GMT
    Apologies for my limited Italian - I only knew ragazzo to mean boy, and not also boyfirend.
  • MikemikeMike

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    Dec 05, 2011 9:13 AM GMT
    I have no gaydar, but it's all in the eyes.
    If you walk by a guy and smile if he turns back and smiles after you pass- He is usually is gay or biicon_idea.gif
  • Suetonius

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    Dec 05, 2011 9:25 AM GMT
    A last stab - your profile says you are into:Baseball, Basketball, Cycling, Hockey, Running, Skiing, Swimming, Tennis, Volleyball, and Wrestling.

    I'd bet there is a gay group in Chicago for most of those sports. There is a gay organization in San Francisco - a smaller city- for all of those (well, maybe not hockey). I used to visit Chicago, and I knew a guy who was into gay baseball, so I know that existed, at least. Start attending some of these activities (join??) and you will meet gay guys in a non-sexual situation. These groups are really the place to meet guys who are potential BFs and not one-night stands.
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    Dec 05, 2011 11:22 AM GMT
    Suetonius saidA last stab - your profile says you are into:Baseball, Basketball, Cycling, Hockey, Running, Skiing, Swimming, Tennis, Volleyball, and Wrestling.

    I'd bet there is a gay group in Chicago for most of those sports. There is a gay organization in San Francisco - a smaller city- for all of those (well, maybe not hockey). I used to visit Chicago, and I knew a guy who was into gay baseball, so I know that existed, at least. Start attending some of these activities (join??) and you will meet gay guys in a non-sexual situation. These groups are really the place to meet guys who are potential BFs and not one-night stands.


    that's great advice

    but

    what if someone he knows sees him?
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    Dec 05, 2011 3:31 PM GMT
    Seems there's more than just 'hookup' issues here. First, if 'one and done' is all you're getting, you might want to find a new pond to be fishing in. Finding groups or activities is certainly a great idea in order for you to begin to build a larger base of friends to get to know.

    If you continue fishing in the same pond, then you need to be a little more clear on what your expectations are before 'hooking up' with guys, even if you seem to have a great conversation with them prior. Set some self imposed standards like no sex before the 5th date. Take time to get to know the guy and see if they're interested enough in getting to know you rather than hoping into bed.

    Also, if you're going to be overly discreet and hide in the closet then you have to take responsibility for eliminating a certain amount of guys that have no desire in wasting their time meeting a guy with no head (ie: not secure in themselves to be open about showing who they are). Take this site, there's a bunch of guys to get to know, many from your area and this is a relatively safe environment for gays and yet you have chosen to remain in the closet. Your choice of course, but I think many guys question a relationship with someone who can't embrace their sexuality. Not that they may want you prancing in a pearls but at least showing that you're OK identifying as being gay since it is a same sex partner you desire.

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    Dec 05, 2011 3:36 PM GMT
    My advice is to be comfortable with who you are. You mention not "outing" yourself...what do you mean by this? Does this mean that you hide the fact that you're gay? I could see how this may prevent you from meeting quality people (such as the advice about joining a gay sports club) who share the same interests such as yourself. You didn't mention how you're meeting people...is it online or in a bar..etc?

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    Dec 05, 2011 3:46 PM GMT
    Along the same lines. How do you meet guys if your other obligations (ie work, school, etc) keep you from being able to join an organized group? I run into the same problem as the OP, but because work and school are so sporadic I can't commit to specific times that organized events meet.
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    Dec 05, 2011 3:57 PM GMT
    It's called "No Strings Attached" sex. It's all about the physical release of sex without the emotional attachments that come with any kind of relationship.
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    Dec 05, 2011 4:03 PM GMT
    NewNDiscreet saidIAnd before you guys get at me for being in the position I am with my sexual identity, I would gladly come out for the right guy, but I see no reason to out myself when I have nobody.


    Not making any judgment about your decision not to be out, but don't you think there's a possibility that sticking with other guys who are not out could be part of the equation? They may not want to be seen with the same guy again in case someone reads into it.

    I went out with a (coincidentally Italian) guy who was obsessed with keeping his orientation a secret. He wanted me to memorize a whole elaborate string of lies about how we met, insisted we went about three towns over to even go to a movie, etc. Didn't last long. If you want a relationship with a man, sooner or later you are going to need to take the chance that others are going to find out about it.
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    Dec 06, 2011 12:24 AM GMT
    It's called NSA (no strings attached). Not everyone wants a relationship. It's easier if there are no emotional entanglements.
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    Dec 06, 2011 2:48 AM GMT
    DOMINUS saidIt's called NSA (no strings attached). Not everyone wants a relationship. It's easier if there are no emotional entanglements.


    I don't get it.. is all I'm saying, I don't understand why people would even want to have sex with someone they don't find attractive enough / hate so much they never want to speak to them again... If I felt this way about a person, I would not want to touch them with a 10 ft pole.
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    Dec 06, 2011 2:53 AM GMT
    And to answer you guys question, most of the guys I've met are not in the closet and I've been meeting them online.
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    Dec 06, 2011 2:55 AM GMT
    The reason is the majority of guys only think with one head, they don't have a heart, and they could not care any less about the other person just as long as they get what they want. I've witnessed this first hand.
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    Dec 06, 2011 2:58 AM GMT
    NewNDiscreet said
    DOMINUS saidIt's called NSA (no strings attached). Not everyone wants a relationship. It's easier if there are no emotional entanglements.


    I don't get it.. is all I'm saying.


    You don't have to get it. It's not for you.

    It is nothing new or unusual or unique to Gay men.

    Most people want to have sex. Not all of them are in the mental space or at a point in their lives to have a heavy emotional connection as well. They may not be ready for it, have little time to devote to it or it simply may not interest them at this point in time.

    Both genders and all orientations have a segment of their respective population that fits into this category.

    Men generally tend to have an easier time seperating the concepts of Love and Sex so it may be a bit more prevelant amongst us - Gay or Straight.

    It is better they be upfront about it.

    Fortunately for you - there are also MANY like YOU who have different desires and goals.

    Enjoy the search, it is actually a fun process if you don't analyze everyone to death and decide one guy in a bar is a representative of every dude on the planet.

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    Dec 06, 2011 3:12 AM GMT
    Cash said
    NewNDiscreet said
    DOMINUS saidIt's called NSA (no strings attached). Not everyone wants a relationship. It's easier if there are no emotional entanglements.


    I don't get it.. is all I'm saying.


    You don't have to get it. It's not for you.

    It is nothing new or unusual or unique to Gay men.

    Most people want to have sex. Not all of them are in the mental space or at a point in their lives to have a heavy emotional connection as well. They may not be ready for it, have little time to devote to it or it simply may not interest them at this point in time.

    Both genders and all orientations have a segment of their respective population that fits into this category.

    Men generally tend to have an easier time seperating the concepts of Love and Sex so it may be a bit more prevelant amongst us - Gay or Straight.

    It is better they be upfront about it.

    Fortunately for you - there are also MANY like YOU who have different desires and goals.

    Enjoy the search, it is actually a fun process if you don't analyze everyone to death and decide one guy in a bar is a representative of every dude on the planet.




    Coming from a bloke who is in a monogamous relationship and married
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    Dec 06, 2011 3:16 AM GMT
    DOMINUS saidIt's called NSA (no strings attached). Not everyone wants a relationship. It's easier if there are no emotional entanglements.


    Completely disagree with this all together, particularly about it being easier. I think a lot of guys just want something that's convenient for them on their own terms (me, me, me, me, me icon_rolleyes.gif ) and are just too much of a punk to face the challenges that lies ahead within a relationship...nothing is perfect. Most guys are always trying to take the easy route out and will dismiss having any kind of substantial involvement with anyone other than sex. I find it ironic that there are so many posts about masculine and feminine guys but the ones who claim to be all macho, masculine are the ones who are the complete opposite. True, masculine men will have the courage to deal with issues within a relationship and are willing to stick around through thick and thin instead of trying to make it easier with "no emotional entanglements" as you called it.
  • Suetonius

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    Dec 06, 2011 3:18 AM GMT
    NewNDiscreet said
    DOMINUS saidIt's called NSA (no strings attached). Not everyone wants a relationship. It's easier if there are no emotional entanglements.


    I don't get it.. is all I'm saying, I don't understand why people would even want to have sex with someone they don't find attractive enough to want to speak to again..doesn't make much sense to even have sex with such a person in the first place.

    It's probably good for you that "you don't get it." A sign that you are a more emotionally whole person than they are. It's not that these men didn't find you attractive enough - no doubt they found you very attractive. That's why they had sex with you in the first place. It's just that (for whatever reason) they don't want to get involved with you or anyone else at this time. I remember in my whoring around days, that I would have a great night with some guy, and two days later, if I saw him on the street (this is in San Francisco, which like New York, had a very gay neighborhood) the guy would pretend not to recognize me; or that the most recognition you might get was a quick nod. This was very common in big cities (and may still be). I always thought that if we had a great time, that we could do it again. But I learned to accept that some guys simply do not feel the same way - once was enough. So be it.
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    Dec 06, 2011 3:19 AM GMT
    Aggieboy said
    Cash said
    NewNDiscreet said
    DOMINUS saidIt's called NSA (no strings attached). Not everyone wants a relationship. It's easier if there are no emotional entanglements.


    I don't get it.. is all I'm saying.


    You don't have to get it. It's not for you.

    It is nothing new or unusual or unique to Gay men.

    Most people want to have sex. Not all of them are in the mental space or at a point in their lives to have a heavy emotional connection as well. They may not be ready for it, have little time to devote to it or it simply may not interest them at this point in time.

    Both genders and all orientations have a segment of their respective population that fits into this category.

    Men generally tend to have an easier time seperating the concepts of Love and Sex so it may be a bit more prevelant amongst us - Gay or Straight.

    It is better they be upfront about it.

    Fortunately for you - there are also MANY like YOU who have different desires and goals.

    Enjoy the search, it is actually a fun process if you don't analyze everyone to death and decide one guy in a bar is a representative of every dude on the planet.




    Coming from a bloke who is in a monogamous relationship and married


    What does that have to do with anything?