Boyfriend stopping me training

  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Dec 05, 2011 10:41 AM GMT
    Hey gang

    Just need to get something off my chest.

    I LOVE working out. I used to row for my City and my University. I am also terribly busy ( part time job, being a Church lay pastor and studying as a post-graduate) and have Chronic Fatigue syndrome...

    So Im busy. Often stressed and tired.

    But I make time to work out and train. Often very hard. On the few days I can (often only three days a week, sadly).

    However, my boyfriend, who likes fit, athletic muscled guys....doesnt "see the point" in working out. He says I will never achieve the figure I want as to get there I would have to "be a boring person with no life and live in the gym" OR "they're atheletes, dear, you're not. You wont get there". He looks at sites such as this as and fitnes magazines and soft core porn and thats it.

    And also actively stops me working out. We used to train together but he is lazy and never, ever, got the post-workout endorphine and testosterone rush. He'd work out the minimum or go home after half and hour. Still, he at least went.

    He also threw away all of my supplements - Themobol caps (to help promote fat loss), protein shakes etc. As he thinks there's something "not right" about them and considers protein shakes "back-door steroids".

    What do I do to change his mind about training and fitness?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2011 10:56 AM GMT
    your boyfriends a douche. Shouldn't he be happy that you're doing something that makes you happy?

    Don't stop training. If he breaks up with you for it, imagine how idiotic he will sound when people ask him why you two broke up.. "He wouldn't stop working out..."

    Just sayin.
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    Dec 05, 2011 10:59 AM GMT
    This is a tough one because from what you've described he's not acting rationally and therefore it's difficult to explain why you feel it is important and get him to take it on board!

    Obviously you should list all the reasons you want to continue to work out - for your own enjoyment, health & fitness, stress relief etc, and also because let's face it, everyone wants to look good naked. I'm sure he wouldn't be overly happy if you did nothing but sit on the sofa all day getting fat!

    If he's resistant to training himself that's also quite tough as I'd normally suggest getting him involved but if he's made it clear he's not interested then that's probably not going to work.

    How is your relationship in other respects? How much quality time together do you spend and how's your sex life?
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    Dec 05, 2011 11:06 AM GMT
    I feel you
    my man is close to the same; although he knows I'd cut him if he tossed my supplements.
    in my case he is 10 years younger so I just tell him he won't be getting any if I can't work out.
    I get a lot of shit too...I let it roll off, knowing he will come around as he gets older himself; that is the hope anyway.
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    Dec 05, 2011 11:15 AM GMT
    shoot the bastard and start running, you get rid of him and you get a good workout and crims do get that "hard arse" status

    No I jest.

    I'd slap the bastard, then put my foot up his arse on his way out the door.
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Dec 05, 2011 11:18 AM GMT
    He thinks I am going to "over train" and between work, University, workingout and Chronic Fatigue he thinks I'm going to make myself very unwel.. A valid point.

    He thinks I "look fine" the way I am despite not being happy with my appearance at the moment.I have put on body fat since starting my degree and a hugh stress job due to being a) sedantary b) stressed c) comfort eating and drinking (beer) at the end of the day just to relax before I can go home without murdering someone!

    He is happy with his appearance - jeans rollover and moobs. Which I do not find attractive - and he says I should be happy with mine.....yet lusts after any guy with even a hit of bicep or deltoid.icon_mad.gif

    Grrr. I dont get it.
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    Dec 05, 2011 11:36 AM GMT
    Rowing_Ant saidHe thinks I am going to "over train" and between work, University, workingout and Chronic Fatigue he thinks I'm going to make myself very unwel.. A valid point.

    He thinks I "look fine" the way I am despite not being happy with my appearance at the moment.I have put on body fat since starting my degree and a hugh stress job due to being a) sedantary b) stressed c) comfort eating and drinking (beer) at the end of the day just to relax before I can go home without murdering someone!

    He is happy with his appearance - jeans rollover and moobs. Which I do not find attractive - and he says I should be happy with mine.....yet lusts after any guy with even a hit of bicep or deltoid.icon_mad.gif

    Grrr. I dont get it.


    Well why not say to him that part of the reason you workout is to make yourself look the very best you can for him, and it would be great if he wanted to do the same but at the very least be happy that you are happy!

    Could some of it be jealousy? I.e. he sees you working out and improving your body, he isn't in good shape himself and doesn't want to put the effort in, so wants to 'drag you down' to his level so he doesn't feel bad about himself?
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    Dec 05, 2011 11:39 AM GMT
    I'd be having a really serious one sided conversation with him.

    Yeah I know in a relationship it should be about communication and such but when they aren't listening you need to sometimes be an arse and tell them what's what and you accept nothing less.

    But more importantly, you need to find a way to unwind, relax without the beer or food. Plus prioritize what's going to be most important, you can't do a dozen things at once well, so focus on your job, studies and take your physical goals and make them a third place, you'll have to work towards those slowly but shorly which might mean you wont be on the cover of mens health by the start of the year but does mean your still working towards it but more slowly
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Dec 05, 2011 11:49 AM GMT
    Seems you're damned if you do and damned if you don't

    .... Okay, the answer is a question

    What do you wanna do?
    Do you enjoy working out?
    Because if you do ... you will need to tell Boyfriend to take a freakin hike
    are you gonna get bulging biceps? Who knows
    That's not the point ... the point is being your own person and doing what YOU want to do with your life
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    Dec 05, 2011 11:51 AM GMT
    seriously...are you dating the same guy.

    He has to know that the gym helps not hurts. It is a fine line between revealing stress (working out for health) and chasing that allusive ripped, especially if you barely have time to sleep.
    I'm thinking there is a lot more going on here and not just because your profile sill reads: single.
    like pure said... I tell him I do it for him. Yeah, I get the eye roll. But he knows the difference in our sex life when I'm not and it's not just the eye candy revving me up.
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Dec 05, 2011 11:55 AM GMT
    I think one of the reasons he doesnt want me going to the gym is that he is terrirified im going to meet a "hot guy" at the gym and run off with him. He also admits to having nightmares of me sleeping around behind his back and going on gaydar or grindr...and also hugely jealous of friends of mine he hasnt me as he is sure I am fucking them.

    My sex drive is dead at the mo due to stress, low testosterone levels and not finding him attractive. Id rather jerk off than go with him at the moment. Which is sad really.

    @ Dustin: We're like a married couple: live together, split the bills....I do all the housekeeping cooking and shopping but dont have sex. Is that best friends or boyfriends I ask myself?
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    Dec 05, 2011 12:16 PM GMT
    Rowing_Ant said
    What do I do to change his mind about training and fitness?


    Sorry, Rowing_Ant. I'm siding with your boyfriend on this one. And, I'm citing Maslow's pyramid of needs as the basis for that decision.

    I'm going to use the word "uncomfortable" to describe your current position. If that's not a good fit, substitute any other word for how you feel.

    Training and fitness are important to your sense of self. It's something that defines who you are. Is that right?

    Esteem and self actualization are at the top of the 'needs' pyramid. Don't take my word for it, though. Here's a wikipedia link:
    [url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs[/url]

    It's an unpopular position to take. But I'm encouraging you to spend time focusing on "needs" that are lower in the pyramid.

    And I'll leave it to you to decide on which one you want to focus.
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    Dec 05, 2011 12:26 PM GMT
    two issues:

    (1) Your bf´s apparent selfishness and psychological problems which want you to stop doing something you enjoy as well as his trash talking of your efforts. BIG problem. Must be dealt with. It would be near a relationship ender for me... it´s not how a loving partner responds. I suspect there is more going on there.

    (2) Your CFS and overwork. If you do have CFS then you can´t work out hard. Simple as. You need to do much more to build up your energy. If you are just tired that´s a different thing, but genuine CFS needs you to be realistic (I had it for 3 years).


    SO if you genuinely have CFS then yes, you need to do a lot less and that means less work too.
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    Dec 05, 2011 12:29 PM GMT
    Just tell your boyfriend to get over it....keep on with your training.

    Sometimes when couples get to comfortable in their relationship they start letting themselves go. Hope that doesn't happen to you guys. Good luck stay strong bro. icon_smile.gif
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Dec 05, 2011 12:29 PM GMT
    Yeah I do Have CFS. was diagnosed last summer. Some days I cant even get out bed I am just so exhausted.

    I limit my working out to half an hour/40 mins and never push myself to exhaustion because that would leave me with no energy all week. I do find it hard to regulate my energy levels and when I do have lots of energy its a temptation to burn it all off but again...not good.

    My other half was supportive of me wanting to get fit and toned unitl a few weeks ago....and then last night came out with a whole load of crap of how I'll never get buff or ripped, how only guys with no life live in the gym etc etc. And how he doesnt want me going to the gym as its "full it fitties" who I'll admire and wont like him/run off with a gym friend.

    I quite like working out and want to look goood. again. Get back to the level of fitness I had, albeit slowly. I had before things went wrong in my life and head 18 momths ago. Yeah my self esteem is a bit wobbly and a lot of it is based on appearance: I was bulliled at school for being short, over weight and clever. And thats kinda stuck with me.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Dec 05, 2011 12:34 PM GMT
    I rarely comment on people's relationship issues on here, because there's always a backstory that none of us outside the relationship will never know, so who are we to judge?

    It sounds like both of you have some sorting out to do. It sounds to me that he resents your attempts at fitness because he is not fit, and he's also terrified that you will find someone at the gym who appeals to you more than he does.

    Well, guess what? Your posts clearly indicate that you consider him unattractive, and that you're stuck in a sexless--and apparently LOVELESS relationship.

    I think maybe both of you stepping back and assessing what the real issues are would help you achieve clarity. And maybe part of that clarity is that you should not be together. It sounds like a toxic relationship to me.
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Dec 05, 2011 12:35 PM GMT
    Id not call it loveless.....jsut sexless and a bit.....boring. lol
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    Dec 05, 2011 12:38 PM GMT
    Sounds like your in a relationship of convenience at the minute man. I wouldn't let your partner dictate to you like that, if working out is something you really enjoy then don't stop for his sake. What's the worst that can happen if you don't, he'll dump you ? So what, you don't have anything to lose anyway.

    Besides, I don't think he'll be in such a hurry to get rid of you and totally upset the balance of his life. You both have a vested interest right now to stay together from the sounds of things.
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    Dec 05, 2011 12:39 PM GMT
    You probably can't change his mind about fitness. But if he won't even let you participate in activities you enjoy and is also sabotaging you by destroying your supplements and demoralizing you by telling you you'll never be anything, then your bf is a SERIOUSLY unhealthy influence in your life.

    If he slowly takes away everything you love doing and makes you feel like shit for wanting to do it, then you'll only come to resent him in time. I'm surprised you don't already.
  • Brick_n_Lace

    Posts: 185

    Dec 05, 2011 12:41 PM GMT
    oh hell no you dont throw away anything you didnt pay for....
    if he doesnt want to work out thats one thing but i would tell him to keep his negativity about my body and exercising to himself. Im sure he has his own pastimes/hobbies why cant you have yours??
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    Dec 05, 2011 1:13 PM GMT
    If you don't dump him then don't let him still the joy you receive from working out. Nothing worse to be in bed with a doubting Thomas. If he's this way in part of the relationship he's like that way in others. Be careful. We all have too much potential to have it squashed by someone whose lazy and/or jealous!
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    Dec 05, 2011 1:22 PM GMT
    Animus saidYou probably can't change his mind about fitness. But if he won't even let you participate in activities you enjoy and is also sabotaging you by destroying your supplements and demoralizing you by telling you you'll never be anything, then your bf is a SERIOUSLY unhealthy influence in your life.

    If he slowly takes away everything you love doing and makes you feel like shit for wanting to do it, then you'll only come to resent him in time. I'm surprised you don't already.


    This!
    Your replies suggest that you are simultaneously complaining about and making excuses for your bf's unacceptable behaviour. If he feels it necessary to denigrate you or destroy your self-esteem to compensate for his own problems then he doesn't love you; he's merely using you. Run, don't walk, to a therapist for advice. I see this relationship spiraling downward into an emotionally abusive one with you being too paralyzed with fear to do anything about it if it hasn't already reached that point.
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    Dec 05, 2011 1:24 PM GMT
    GQjock saidSeems you're damned if you do and damned if you don't

    .... Okay, the answer is a question

    What do you wanna do?
    Do you enjoy working out?
    Because if you do ... you will need to tell Boyfriend to take a freakin hike
    are you gonna get bulging biceps? Who knows
    That's not the point ... the point is being your own person and doing what YOU want to do with your life


    ^^ this.. GQJock is totally right.


    It is your life and your body. Dont look to him for validation or vice versa. If it is important to you, then you should do it and he has to accept it. You aren't doing anything wrong. Create a good healthy boundary against the decisions you are entitled to make about your life and those in which you need to consult him.

    Now, I am not sure from your posts that you SHOULD be working out. With Chronic Fatique, you need to find some answers for that. But if you are working out because it is healthy and fulfills you, make it work. He doesn't have the right or authority to make that decision for you.
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    Dec 05, 2011 1:58 PM GMT
    Sounds like the beginning of a very controlling relationship to me and that is just not healthy.
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    Dec 05, 2011 1:59 PM GMT
    I deal with a little of this. My BF is not physically active (unless the Wii counts) and -- although he doesn't complain about my gym time -- he does make comments like "you look fine" and "I don't want you to get too big" which I suspect are rooted in the same insecurity.

    Also he, and his entire family, are food enablers. They left so much naughty crap at our house after Thanksgiving and have been doing my damnedest not to eat it. As much as I hate to waste food whatever is left is going in the garbage today.