Coming out and what it means.

  • aj101

    Posts: 1842

    Dec 06, 2011 11:58 PM GMT
    Hey everyone, so I just came out to my parents this Thanksgiving. My parents did not take it very well. My mom refuses to talk to me now, and told me that I can never be gay in her house. I can never bring a BF home or ever talk about being gay. My dad is a little more accepting but it has still been tough. I have been told that coming out is a huge relief, i don't know if im just in shock still (its been two and a half weeks now) but i don't feel relief. To be honest it feels like nothing has changed. What was coming out like for everyone else, and what does it mean to truly come out?
  • aj101

    Posts: 1842

    Dec 07, 2011 12:23 AM GMT
    When you say this do you mean going up to someone and the first thing you say to them is Hi my name is______ and im gay?
  • aj101

    Posts: 1842

    Dec 07, 2011 12:30 AM GMT
    My question also pertains to what exactly happens after you come out. Like I stated in my little synopsis, I came out to my parents and its been an emotional roller coaster. I dont entirely know what to do now that I have come out to them.
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    Dec 07, 2011 12:41 AM GMT
    afaviation101 saidMy question also pertains to what exactly happens after you come out. Like I stated in my little synopsis, I came out to my parents and its been an emotional roller coaster. I dont entirely know what to do now that I have come out to them.


    You're young. Do you still live at home? That would be a very difficult situation. I had been out of the house for a few years when I came out to my family and they were very loving and accepting, for me it was a wonderful experience and brought us closer in many ways, I could share more.

    Unfortunately, it sounds like your parents (at least mom) might be blinded by misinformation and bigotry (yes, BIGOTRY). Give her space and let her deal with it. You have to live your life, not the one she hoped for you.
  • aj101

    Posts: 1842

    Dec 07, 2011 12:57 AM GMT
    sdgman said
    afaviation101 saidMy question also pertains to what exactly happens after you come out. Like I stated in my little synopsis, I came out to my parents and its been an emotional roller coaster. I dont entirely know what to do now that I have come out to them.


    You're young. Do you still live at home? That would be a very difficult situation. I had been out of the house for a few years when I came out to my family and they were very loving and accepting, for me it was a wonderful experience and brought us closer in many ways, I could share more.

    Unfortunately, it sounds like your parents (at least mom) might be blinded by misinformation and bigotry (yes, BIGOTRY). Give her space and let her deal with it. You have to live your life, not the one she hoped for you.


    No I do not live at home. I moved out when I was 17 to come to Colorado for college. I'll give a little more background information. My mom is 100% Korean, and has the traditional Korean values. To her being gay is a huge taboo. I am currently still in Colorado while my parents are in Florida. Thus the giving them space isn't that have.
  • aj101

    Posts: 1842

    Dec 07, 2011 1:03 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk said
    afaviation101 saidWhen you say this do you mean going up to someone and the first thing you say to them is Hi my name is______ and im gay?

    I meant it philisophically ... how you say it, is pretty much up to you. I prefer the method ... "can I invite my bf over for dinner"


    Is it really that important to get it out there though? For me I just act like myself, and just don't hide things anymore. If people ask me if I am gay I don't deny it, but I don't really go around telling people I am gay.
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    Dec 07, 2011 1:28 AM GMT
    Hey there icon_smile.gif
    I haven't actually came out to my family yet so I don't know how useful you will find this comment... but I can quite relate to your scenario because I come from an Asian background where the parents usually have expectations for you to follow. And when you live a life that bends away from their hopes and dreams, they would scorn you for who you are... and that's why I haven't came out to my family yet (I eventually will). And even though I've heard and read many stories about coming out to your family and the huge relief that follows, I'm still scared to do so because of my fear that my family will reject me. I did come out to my friends first, and that was probably the biggest step I took in accepting my sexual orientation. I was fortunate enough that they accepted me for who I am. And coming out to my parents... that will probably be the biggest moment of my life.
    I really do admire that you were able to tell your parents, and I'm really sorry to hear about your mom's reactions. There are many types of people with different ways of thinking, so you shouldn't expect a certain type of reaction from them. But just remember this... while it may be tough for your mom to accept you for who you are now, eventually she'll have to learn to live with it. I mean, you are her son, and remember that she loves you very much. She might believe that she "failed" at raising her son to be "normal", but she hasn't seen the great potential that you have. You just have to give her some time to absorb this in, and eventually she'll come to accept you for who you are. No mother can be angry at her son forever. Also, remember that you have many friends that you can turn to! You're not alone in this. I hope this helps!
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    Dec 07, 2011 1:38 AM GMT
    afaviation101 saidHey everyone, so I just came out to my parents this Thanksgiving. My parents did not take it very well. My mom refuses to talk to me now, and told me that I can never be gay in her house. I can never bring a BF home or ever talk about being gay. My dad is a little more accepting but it has still been tough. I have been told that coming out is a huge relief, i don't know if im just in shock still (its been two and a half weeks now) but i don't feel relief. To be honest it feels like nothing has changed. What was coming out like for everyone else, and what does it mean to truly come out?


    My parents took it less well than yours. Not that it is a competition or anything.

    What does it mean? It means you had the courage to tell your parents, the people who gave birth to you and raised you. You had the courage to do that so you can finally be yourself anywhere, any time, around anyone. It is supposed to be empowering you are no longer carrying around that albatross. You don't need to tattoo "homo" across your forehead - but you will no longer have that feeling like you need to back down and never reveal anything personal about yourself.

    I was at the Academy in February. And again a few weeks ago. It was remarkable how much it had changed since DADT. The really cute cadet I knew was gay in February finally struck up a conversation with me a few weeks ago. Nobody picked on him either.

    At your age just enjoy your freedom and see where it takes you - don't worry too much about your mother's fire and brimstone. You don't need to hide any longer in your own social networks - but you still can if you want to icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 07, 2011 1:44 AM GMT
    Very little gets by my parents, so they knew on some level.

    However, it was still a very difficult time. They were from a generation where gays were killed, beaten, fired from jobs, etc....so discussions centered around how I met guys and the like. One thing I remember....they thought I was crazy to visit a gay bar or even meet some stranger at a coffee shop.

    What calmed them down was meeting my gay friends... older and established gays and lesbians...a business executive, college professor and therapist. They were like, "oh, we like your gay friends better than the party guys you hung out with in college."

    It's really a process that takes years. Eventually, they met a guy I was dating. Dad was nice too him, but he and my mom really hit it off quite well. Mind you, this was the lady that sent me anti-gay conversion therapy books the first week I told them.

    So time changed things quite a bit.

  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Dec 07, 2011 1:45 AM GMT
    Wow you're way better off than most guys. Usually it's the father that freaks out and the mother that is supportive. Is she a drama queen usually? You probably just stold the show from her. Family gatherings are the worst time to come out.
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    Dec 07, 2011 3:44 AM GMT
    yeah..my mother never "got it"..she told me that i must be crazy,and that i needed psychiatric help.{she was from a family that believed homosexuality was a mental illnes}..dad on the other hand,accepted it and said "i will always love you son,no matter who you choose to love"............and this despite the fact he was 20 years older than mom??
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    Dec 07, 2011 4:05 AM GMT
    afaviation101 saidHey everyone, so I just came out to my parents this Thanksgiving. My parents did not take it very well. My mom refuses to talk to me now, and told me that I can never be gay in her house. I can never bring a BF home or ever talk about being gay. My dad is a little more accepting but it has still been tough. I have been told that coming out is a huge relief, i don't know if im just in shock still (its been two and a half weeks now) but i don't feel relief. To be honest it feels like nothing has changed. What was coming out like for everyone else, and what does it mean to truly come out?


    hey man, thanks for sharing your story. much hugs to ya, since it has only been 2.5 weeks, I imagine you're still in shock, or at least getting waves of shock. being of asian/islander descent myself, i kinda had a similar reaction from my mom as well.

    nothing has really changed other than the fact that you were honest with yourself, and also decided that you are no longer going to hide who you really are. Coming out is a different process for everyone, and it also means different for everyone too.

    you also said "Is it really that important to get it out there though? For me I just act like myself, and just don't hide things anymore. If people ask me if I am gay I don't deny it, but I don't really go around telling people I am gay. " it's great that you're not hiding anymore, and no one ever said that you have tell everyone that you're gay. I'm glad you don't deny when asked though, and honestly, as you'll find out, no one will really ask if you're gay right off the bat anyway icon_smile.gif

    hang in there, and feel free to ask myself and the others questions. and find support from your friends as well, it's a bit easier to endure when you have friends :-)
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    Dec 07, 2011 4:21 AM GMT
    Congratulations and a pat on the back, first of all. It sounds like you had some warning that this was going to be tough given your mom's belief system. I'm assuming that respect for elders is a big component of that, and although I don't think it would be healthy to let her be in denial that it's "just a phase" or something, maybe giving her some time for this to sink in will be in order. If you can keep the line of communication open with your dad it may be best you let her cool off. Eventually she will see that you are still the same guy and hopefully start to realize that she may have had some idea of this before now.

    I know I was relieved, but I was also lucky because I didn't have to make a big announcement. My sister told me that they all knew about it and were fine.

    You are under no contracted obligation to share your orientation with everybody you meet. It will be really uninteresting to the vast majority of them. I think basically it means that you do not actively lie about it or let people become deluded that you're something you're not. If you get into a relationship, you don't lie about that either, and your partner is a part of your social life.

    It may be a while before your mother is ready to face you with another guy, and it would be unfair to a boyfriend to bring him into that environment. Don't rub her face in it, but make sure she sees that you are living a happy and healthy life, not doing self-destructive things. Underneath the anger and disappointment that you are "not following the script" there is undoubtedly a layer of concern given the inherent risks, both medically and socially. Help her see that stereotypes are just that and you're perfectly capable of living a long and fulfilling life, one that you want her to be part of, but about which you need to be able to be honest with her.
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    Dec 07, 2011 4:41 AM GMT
    afaviation101 saidMy question also pertains to what exactly happens after you come out. Like I stated in my little synopsis, I came out to my parents and its been an emotional roller coaster. I dont entirely know what to do now that I have come out to them.
    I didn't come out. I got caught in the act. Long story...

    Anyway, now you allow time to run its course. The aftermath of a bad coming out experience is greatly determined by how you handle it. And, in some cases it'll get worse before it gets better; but it will always get better if you fight to make it that way.

    You have my best wishes.
    *hugs* icon_biggrin.gif
  • aj101

    Posts: 1842

    Dec 07, 2011 4:44 AM GMT
    thanks everyone for great advice and kind words!!
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    Dec 07, 2011 8:22 AM GMT
    I think more than anything it is an acceptance of yourself. When you tell othes it's really simple. Either they will accept it or not. You will find out who your real friends and family are. Might not be what you'd have liked but at least you'll know who really has your back. It was hard for my mom and my dad was more accepting so I have been in your shoes. It's still fresh. Give it time. Parents have this idea that being straight is the only way to have a good life and blah blah... Can't say I blame them considering I don't know alot of gay guys whom have their shit together at lesat that I've met in person. Gotta give them that time to adjust and let them see that you are the son they raised and that you have a good head on your shoulders. More than anything, that's all they want.