What is it with gay guys? aka, my dating life is a no-go.

  • theguyintown

    Posts: 19

    Dec 07, 2011 3:18 AM GMT
    I should preface this by saying I am relatively new to the boards, and generally to the gay dating scene. I am 28, but I am only just coming out. Consequence of this being, the bulk of my friends are straight, although that is mostly due to the line of work I'm in.

    I don't mind this per se, but it has meant that frequenting gay bars, or just being in environments where I could meet gay people to hang out with or, ideally, romantically get involved in, is limited.

    Never mind. My dating life for the past few months, from the moment I have actively started seeking gay "companions", has been a mess. And instead of celebrating finally freely dating guys (as opposed to girls) I've been knocked down and depressed more than not. And it really sucks. I am not like that, usually. I have a steady job, a good group of friends - and depressed is not how I'd describe myself on a normal day.

    For a start, my "dating' life is Grindr. I've been using it for the past couple months, on and off. I never really thought I should resort to any kind of online tool to meet guys, but I wanted to jump into this more cautiously, and so I went with it.

    I won't go into how sketchy, unsavoury and generally unappealing the average offering of guys is, or how it is mostly a hookup tool - I think everyone knows that. But after putting a lot of work into pre-screening, and casually chatting to guys, I managed to find a few that seemed worth meeting. And here is where it all goes wrong.

    The dates with these two or three select guys go surprisingly well, there is banter, laughter, chemistry. There is mention of wanting to meet up again. There are texts after the meeting, initiated by the other person, reiterating how pleasant the meetup was and how they really want to do it again. There are follow up texts, over the next couple of days, saying that we will arrange something very soon, that they would love to. In one instance, we even do end up meeting a few more times. Each time it seems better than the previous, and we leave on "yes, let's do it again' terms.

    Then, all of a sudden... BOOM. SILENCE.

    No response to texts, not picking up phone calls. All of a sudden, just like that.

    If it had happened once, with one guy, I would shrug it off. Sure, something else came up and they moved on. But it happened three times. In a short period of time. We're having pleasant communication then suddenly, no response.

    "I will let you know when I'm free" - sort of thing. Then that follow up message, or phone call, never comes.

    Do I chase these guys? Do I ask them, politely, what is going on? Do I let it go? I am trying all three. We are all in our mid to late 20s, so none of us are children, yet this behavior is really starting to get at me. I don't know. I need gay friends to introduce me to their gay friends that I can then date.

    Does this kind of "silence" happen usually or is it me?

    Sorry for the rant.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2011 3:52 AM GMT
    don't waste you're time with those pathetic rats, guys on that grindir shit can be flaky and cowards. now i know you want to date and have a boyfriend, but dont get depress for that. listen try to meet guys not online but in real life, think outside the box.icon_biggrin.gif
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Dec 07, 2011 3:59 AM GMT
    You definitely don't chase them, but it's absolutely worth following up so that you're not left confused.

    The email/text message is easy: "If you're not interested, can you just let me know? Thanks"... or something along those lines.
  • PipHop

    Posts: 439

    Dec 07, 2011 4:00 AM GMT
    The place you meet people usually determines that quality of relationship that they want. Generally speaking, Grindr, Manhunt, A4A all center around sex only. Since you don't or won't frequent places that often, it may be best to do a little research into gay groups that center around an interest you may have. Then you at least have something in common with a guy you are attracted to. Take your time, be careful and trust your guy when considering dating or hooking up with someone. Hope this helps.
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    Dec 07, 2011 4:25 AM GMT
    Who know what goes on. I get the same treatment when I meet guys. Gay guys are pretty fickle, and unless they meet someone that checks off most of their list, they will wander away after a few dates.

    Keep at it, you will meet someone that transcends this nonsense.

    I have met some nice guys on hookup sites, and even met my last bf on one.

    Grindr is a source of bad behavior though. Nothing ever happens for me on Grindr.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2011 4:58 AM GMT
    I'll confess to being a bit guilty on both sides as well as ON the fence - often a source of confusion. I'm sure this happens with straight dating as well.

    Many people just don't honestly know what they want. I think it's kind of a numbers game. If I wasn't sure and a guy asked me what the deal was, I'd be honest. God knows how many dates I've been on with handsome guys I genuinely liked that lacked a sexual spark for god knows what reason...???
    It's freakin annoying.

    I'd say: ditch grinder and a4a. Dudesnude is leagues better. Nicer guys... Not all hookups, and sometimes interesting bios. For more 'real' dates... Seriously consider OkCupid.com. I've actually been impressed with many of the guys I've met and their witty, honest bios.. And hey... There's always THIS site! But please - if possible, don't limit yourself to the online world. There's something truly special about meeting a person "in the wild" and just connecting on first site. There's no guarantees - ever - but never limit yourself. The grocery store is just as viable as any bar. Just be open to it. :-) Good luck! (...to all of us!)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2011 5:02 AM GMT
    Welcome to the gay world! icon_sad.gif
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Dec 07, 2011 5:11 AM GMT
    Yet another thread about the difficulty of meeting guys. A recent thread with not exactly the same issues as yours, but a lot of them are:
    see: http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/2004653
    Join a gay organization, or, if you can afford it, go on a gay cruise (RSVP; Atlantis) You can meet lots of guys in the flesh instead of electronic ghosts.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2011 5:27 AM GMT
    That really sucks that that happened. But unfortunately, that's part of the gay world for you. Like another comment said, the problem is most of the time, gay guys don't know what they want. I mean, I'm sure every one has had it happen before. The most I've had was 6 times and yeah, I will admit. I was pretty sad and even hurt when it happened and will probably feel some sort of sadness when it happens again but after awhile, I get over it, shrug it off and say "Well, maybe it just wasn't mean't to be. It's time to move on and keep on going".

    Another thing I agree with is that sites/tools like Grindr, ADA, Manhunt, etc are mostly sex apps and the majority (not all) guys there are only interested in just that, sex. I mean, anyone can say they are looking for a relationship but that doesn't mean they mean it. From my experience when I tried dating on ADA & Manhunt (didn't have any luck with Grindr) was that the said person just put that detail so they can hook in more guys to have sex with. And even on a site called Plenty of Fish, they have guys like that. I've received and sometimes still receive messages from guys who are labelled "straight" trying to meet up and have sex.The other guys who were gay were flaky too so far in my experience. So that kind of made me put off of Plenty of Fish as well.

    The point is. I think you are looking more for a relationship with a guy then a one night stand/fling. So some advice I can give is like Piphop said. Try finding a gay group that caters to an interest of yours. If you try that, at least you will have more common ground with the fellows guys. Online can be covenient but like manboynyc said, you shouldn't limit yourself to just that. I personally think it's better to meet guys in person because you get to see how they are as opposed from behind a screen.

    I know you might feeling discouraged but whatever you do, don't let this bring you down. Just take some time to recover and continue on. You sound like a nice guy and I'm sure you'll meet someone, just keep looking and never lose hope.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2011 6:00 AM GMT
    Hunter9 saidYou definitely don't chase them, but it's absolutely worth following up so that you're not left confused.

    The email/text message is easy: "If you're not interested, can you just let me know? Thanks"... or something along those lines.


    Right but most guys won't even tell you, they just leave you with the silent treatment! They're that big of assholes!! At least when I am not interested in someone I don't try to sleep with them and I tell them up front we're not a match!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2011 6:21 AM GMT
    I really wish there was a thread about new in town/new to school/new to dating guys and dating. Then every guy who has this issue can just check out one spot for dating advice.

    Grindr might work out for dating if you were from a small town where other avenues for finding and meeting guys were limited. You don't so Grindr isn't as good of an option for you. You'll see it's more for hookups and flakes.
    It's not to say that you can't find a good date on Grindr, just that you'll have to deal with a lot of frogs to find your prince.
    There are better options.

    You could check out some dating sites. By dating sites, I mean sites that the goal is to find a date, not a hookup. There's a huge difference. If the typical message is "hot" or "sup," you're not on a dating site.

    If you connect with a guy you like, get offline. Keeping the interaction online will keep you from having a relationship, generally. Make plans to meet face to face. Don't rely on texting, email, or messenger as your main method of communication. It's better to speak on the phone than text.
    If you have too much online communication, guys fall into a pattern. They'll start looking for something shiny and new.

    Find an activity you like and find a gay group for it in your area. If you're not meeting other gay men, you won't have many dates. You'll have a hard time getting your straight friends to date you.

    Volunteer your time.
  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Dec 07, 2011 9:05 AM GMT
    Just change your approach. There are great guys on Grindr, but they're there to hook up, not to date and if you meet them there they probably won't be interested in dating you in the future. It is sort of a self-imposed double standard that we all do slutty things, but we like to think the people we date seriously don't. So if you meet a guy on Grindr and blow eachother it is really hard to imagine that being a person you'd want to introduce to all your friends somewhere down the line.

    There are other good free sites out there, I met my boyfriend on OK Cupid and he was only the second guy I met from the site after only having a profile for about 3 weeks...we've been dating for 9 months now. I know he's had random hookups in the past and he knows I have too, it's not a big deal...but if that would have been how I met him I'm not sure I'd have taken the next step.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2011 9:26 AM GMT
    jackthejock said
    There are other good free sites out there, I met my boyfriend on OK Cupid and he was only the second guy I met from the site after only having a profile for about 3 weeks...we've been dating for 9 months now. I know he's had random hookups in the past and he knows I have too, it's not a big deal...but if that would have been how I met him I'm not sure I'd have taken the next step.


    See, that's why I know this issue is almost city related.

    I've been on OKCupid for like 3 or 4 months now (at the advice of a straight couple on my former softball team who met on there) and all this time I haven't met but 1 guy from there: and he flaked 2 times before we got to our 1st date...only to tell me he's seeing someone 2 weeks later (after promising me we'd meet again).

    I've been logging onto the site about 3-4 times a week, and to make it even worse, I don't get any new messages. It be the same 1 or 2 guys hitting me up.

    What is it with gay guys? I don't know.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2011 9:39 AM GMT
    Oh come now, this has happened with three guys. Three. This is not a big sample size. You've gone on dates with three guys, and had bad luck; well, welcome to dating. Not gay dating--dating. And you've gone on three dates that actually didn't go as well as you originally thought. These guys are being quite clear about their reaction to the date. As annoying as the form of messaging may be--and I agree, silence is a particularly annoying way of getting your point across--they're telling you by their silence "I'm sorry, I'm not into you, and everything else was just politeness...well except for this rude silence." Yes, feel free to send that last text to clarify things, but it's likely that they've already made clear they're not interested.

    I'm sorry if I am coming off a bit brash, but then it's hard not to. You start off by disparaging the vast majority of the people on Grindr by calling most of them unappealing and unsavory. As opposed, of course, to the shining paragon of manhood and gayhood that you are, right? It's a bit of a dick move, really, and comes off incredibly judgmental. The reality is that there are a lot of guys on Grindr that are just there for different purposes than you; that doesn't make them "sketchy" or "unsavory" any more than guys who go out to a gay bar looking to get some tail; after all, Grindr and the like are really just the new, virtual gay bar, if rather more direct and to the point. But as others have mentioned, there are quality guys on Grindr. The guy I'm currently dating I met off of Grindr, and I've had great interactions with a couple other guys off there.

    If you're looking for something that's a bit less hookup focused, again, as others have mentioned, switch venues. Go with OkCupid. Something that you can fill out a more ambitious profile on. I notice you haven't filled out much on here; you just signed up, so you get a pass, but is that indicative of your own reticence to put more info out there about yourself? If so, you might be that sketchy guy you're talking about!

    Basically my message is this: give it time, and if this continues to happen, remember that the common element is you. Or, at least consider that the common element might be you. Lots of folks try to externalize problems to avoid taking blame for things they might be doing. I'm not saying that you're doing this--although your judgmentalism is not a promising quality--but it's something to keep in mind. You're doing the right things at the moment by fleshing folks out with a little light chatting and setting up in-person dates, so just give it time. Don't make a big deal of the fact that three guys have given you the brush off.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2011 9:47 AM GMT
    Chewey_Delt saidOh come now, this has happened with three guys. Three. This is not a big sample size. Don't make a big deal of the fact that three guys have given you the brush off.


    Yeah 3 guys is nothing! Wait til you get 30 guys doing the same thing over a period of years. 3 guys is about the amount you'll be able to count who've actually been worthwhile.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2011 10:20 AM GMT
    A lot of it has to do with the fact that if you were gay and closeted in high school when everyone else was learning to date and getting brushed off, you just didn't learn how to date and what rejection (from a dating point of view) was normal with a peer group and family to support you through it. You're never really "immuninized" to deal with it when you start to REALLY put your feelings on the line. This just carries forward until you catch up.

    And some guys (just like some girls, I'm sure) never catch up.

    Alternatively, if you're to believe the straight dating books/fads/advice columnists, it's just guy thing in general, because every straight female writing into these things complains of the same thing (i.e. the mysterious sudden silence)--and they don't even HAVE Grindr.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2011 2:48 PM GMT
    bryanc_74 saidA lot of it has to do with the fact that if you were gay and closeted in high school when everyone else was learning to date and getting brushed off, you just didn't learn how to date and what rejection (from a dating point of view) was normal with a peer group and family to support you through it. You're never really "immuninized" to deal with it when you start to REALLY put your feelings on the line. This just carries forward until you catch up.

    And some guys (just like some girls, I'm sure) never catch up.

    Alternatively, if you're to believe the straight dating books/fads/advice columnists, it's just guy thing in general, because every straight female writing into these things complains of the same thing (i.e. the mysterious sudden silence)--and they don't even HAVE Grindr.

    Agree. Plus most of the time you don't DATE through GRINDR -- you hook-up and trick. GRINDR is the online equivalent of cruising for prostitutes on street corners. No wonder the OP's "dating life is a no-go" -- cause he's not actually dating! DUH!!!

    Our OP needs to take a different approach to his meeting guys and dating. I've used online for dating (and the gay club scene, too), but it took me months before I'd meet up with a guy for a date. We first had to chat a lot, usually speak on the phone, too, exchange pics.

    And online dating requires a special skill set. Your perceptions must be geared to the written word. There are few visual clues, and no tone in his voice that suggests the kind of guy he is. Until you master that skill, online connections are gonna be hit or miss.
  • theguyintown

    Posts: 19

    Dec 07, 2011 2:55 PM GMT
    Chewey_Delt, Jack and others - Thanks.

    Three guys, admittedly, is not a statistically relevant sample size. And, yes, having dated girls in high school has meant that I have not been primed for male rejection and I am going through that only now. My issue isn’t rejection per se
    (we’ve all been there), it is the way in which it is dispensed.
     
    My perspective here is from someone who is only just getting into the gay dating scene, and trying to understand the dynamics of guys in their mid-to-late 20s when it comes to making a connection. So maybe I need to date another 35 guys to get an accurate count. But for, now this is what I know. Three out of three guys I have liked, in a I’m-curious-to-see-where this-can-go way, have all moved on in WTF fashion. This is not after chatting on Grindr for two hours, agreeing to meet up then doing it the same night. This is with guys I had been communicating with for a couple weeks, on many levels, to the point that, at least, friendship could have developed.
     
    Of course I realize I am the common denominator, so if they all flaked out, it’s got to be me. Sure, that’s a possibility. But all have behaved in exactly the same way – by giving empty promises and feigning interest. What gives?
     
    I think we are all guilty, at some point in our lives, particularly when younger, of giving someone the silent treatment. It is understandably much easier to ignore someone than awkwardly deal with telling them “Sorry, I am just not interested.” But we’re not kids anymore.
     
    Why keep bringing up the “I’d love to see you again” card, when you know such a thing doesn’t really exist. I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be sitting in a bar telling someone I am having a great time and then texting them the next day telling them all is dandy if I didn’t feel it. That’s what bothers me. The misleading part. It’s probably true that most gay guys don’t know what they truly want. Or they flake out when they realize I am not there to have sex. You know, it does hurt.
     
    I think Grindr, as some have said, is not the place for me to meet guys. I will diversify. I will try bars, house parties, events. Maybe even online dating sites.
     
    And as for someone calling me judgmental for describing Grindr guys unsavoury and sketchy – sure, I put myself in a position of moral judgement, because that’s what I feel coming from the perspective of someone who has genuine, honest interest in meeting a friend or, ideally, something more. Someone will think I am sketchy, and I probably appear so by not wanting to hook up. It’s perspective.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2011 3:08 PM GMT
    PipHop saidThe place you meet people usually determines that quality of relationship that they want. Generally speaking, Grindr, Manhunt, A4A all center around sex only.


    I don't think this is true, I've met (ex-)boyfriends on Grindr and A4A.

    The fact is men are biologically predisposed towards promiscuity, online or offline. Practically, this results in indecision, fickleness, and flakiness when dealing with men seeking same-sex partnerships.

    This remains true whether meeting guys online, with your smartphone, in bars, through friends, or within hobby clubs and activities.

    Men are flakes, moreso without the "settling down" influence of females. It's just part of the process, and no, deleting Grindr, ManHunt, and a4a is not going to change that; all it will do is give him a smaller pool of flakes from which to choose. So please stop telling him this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2011 3:17 PM GMT
    Yup I'm in the same exact situation as u. Gay dating sucks. And the bar scene doesn't seem much better. Either way just try to stay strong, its prob them, not u.

    This is why I went on about 3 fail dates last summer and out of the two guys I actually liked, they both flaked. I actually even sent a txt to one saying if ur not interested just tell me (like a man). And got a response, saying yeah not interested, so at least I had closure there. But in terms of my other dates, no real reason or closure.


    And finding a guy at a bar, going home to cuddle and sleep (no sex) and having him say how much he likes you and wants to see you again hurt even more after he stopped answering me. And I remember it being my birthday and still not hearing from him (after a week) and being real depressed.

    Don't let these pieces of shit bring u down. you and me both will eventually find us a worthy mate, ok deal?
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 07, 2011 3:22 PM GMT
    YEs this type of behavior is common with most gay guys. Its not you buddy, it is apart of the culture.
  • theguyintown

    Posts: 19

    Dec 07, 2011 3:24 PM GMT
    wolverinecub86 saidYup I'm in the same exact situation as u. Gay dating sucks. And the bar scene doesn't seem much better. Either way just try to stay strong, its prob them, not u.

    This is why I went on about 3 fail dates last summer and out of the two guys I actually liked, they both flaked. I actually even sent a txt to one saying if ur not interested just tell me (like a man). And got a response, saying yeah not interested, so at least I had closure there. But in terms of my other dates, no real reason or closure.


    And finding a guy at a bar, going home to cuddle and sleep (no sex) and having him say how much he likes you and wants to see you again hurt even more after he stopped answering me. And I remember it being my birthday and still not hearing from him (after a week) and being real depressed.

    Don't let these pieces of shit bring u down. you and me both will eventually find us a worthy mate, ok deal?


    This, yeah. It does end up hurting when you're told you are liked, at least enough to meet up again, and then, suddenly, the guy disappears. Just like that. All I ask here is to not tell me that. I don't need to hear you want to meet, i just don't want to be misled. Because, what's the point.

    Ha, buddy, I hope your words are true and we will end up settling with someone decent. Let's make it a deal. It's not easy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2011 3:25 PM GMT
    theguyintown said
     
    Of course I realize I am the common denominator, so if they all flaked out, it’s got to be me. Sure, that’s a possibility. But all have behaved in exactly the same way – by giving empty promises and feigning interest. What gives?
     


    I made that point in reference to if this keeps happening 6 or 7 more times. I wouldn't be hard on yourself in that manner after 3 dates. I'm trying to tell you that you really need to withhold judgment at this point because it's only happened 3 times. If it keeps happening 4 or 5 times, then you can switch venues (or do so now, as you seem like you're going to, which might just be better for you), and if it happens continuously after that, then you can start looking inward.

    One thing I wonder about, as I continued to think about this, is if this is just an effect of the online dating culture in general (as I think Bryanc is basically pointing out). What I mean is that lots of guys just ignore messages from people initially for one reason or another: they're not interested in the guy's looks; the message is one word; the message is skeezy; etc. So I wonder if that silence begins to seem like an acceptable response to other encounters in which the guy doesn't want to deal with hurting someone's feelings, so silence absolves him of the need to do that, even if silence is actually just as or more rude than being up front about his feelings.

    Just remember, you're not dating in the straight world anymore. You shouldn't expect dating to be the same. And you can't really expect sympathy from everyone when you make a thread titled "what is it with gay guys?" when this has happened a grand total of 3 times. Have a bit more patience, try to readjust your thinking, and yes, change up venues if Grindr isn't working out for you. Because, really, this thread could have just been "what is it with Grindr?"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2011 3:30 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]Hunter9 said[/cite]You definitely don't chase them, but it's absolutely worth following up so that you're not left confused.

    The email/text message is easy: "easy: "If you're not interested, can you just let me know? Thanks"... or something... or something along those lines.[/quote



    This is the most frustrating of all the lines because their silence is the answer. Guys are on grinder because they want quick sex, NSA. That means they aren't interested in communicating with you .

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2011 3:34 PM GMT
    Whew. I thought it was just me.