When an Ex-BF Falls Back in Love With You, But You've Moved On

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    Dec 07, 2011 2:37 PM GMT
    Right off the bat I'll tell you I already know the answer: you can't go back, and I wouldn't abandon or betray my current partner for a truckload of ex-BFs. (And believe me, it might take a truck to fit them all) But I find the experience interesting, and perhaps something for other guys to consider as they travel down the road to romance.

    We were together 2 years, me monogamously, him not. He admitted in the second year he'd been cheating on me, which I had already sensed. We limped along for that last year together, he insisting to the end he wasn't interested in ever having a monogamous LTR. And also frequently telling me: "I love you, but I'm not in love WITH you."

    So fine, I finally accepted that we'll never have the future together that I want for myself, so I relocate to Florida to try again. Some 10 months later and 3 weeks after I accepted a proposal from my current partner, this ex phones me and says he now realizes he was wrong, and he really does love me above all others.

    Now there's a dilemma for you. I had wanted this guy so badly for a couple of years, but he doesn't accept my proposal until right after I give my heart to another. Well a no-brainer for me, but a painful thing to go through, the what-ifs flying all over.

    So I closed my mind and my heart to him, and said once a decision is made it's made, and I don't reverse it. I've been extremely happy and deeply in love with my partner in the 4-1/2 years since we got together, one of my better decisions.

    But this ex keeps phoning me, like last night, getting drunker as he spoke to me for OVER 3 HOURS, telling me how much I'm the only guy he's ever loved. And I continue to encourage him to date more, believing the adage that the best way to forget an old love is with a new love.

    But he goes on and on about how no guy is as good as I was with him, and how stupid he was to not realize it at the time. Or as he said last night for the first time, he did know it deep inside, but didn't want to accept it.

    Well, hindsight is wonderful, no more so than in love. So now I've got this ex who evidently has expectations for us that aren't going to happen. It's OK for me, I know what to do, and it's not to run back to him. But I do feel sorry for him, and this can be damn stressful for me, too, facing a problem I can't solve, at least to his satisfaction.

    Exes... sometimes I think when we leave them we should leave no trace! LOL!
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    Dec 07, 2011 2:57 PM GMT
    They are called ex's for a reason. You moved on and you should continue to stay moved on. Him lacking in the ability to move on is a personal problem and like all personal problems he needs to deal with it personally. Little things like that confirm you made the right choice in not getting back with him especially when he can't take the hint.

    Dude had his chance and he blew it.

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    Dec 07, 2011 4:20 PM GMT
    Guy101 saidDude had his chance and he blew it.

    Agreed. And he wants to turn back the clock and undo his mistake. Or failing that, make his remorse my remorse.

    Well, ain't gonna happen. First, I'm totally loyal to my partner. The same loyalty this ex had from me, but didn't value enough at the time to stick with me.

    Second, my partner & I love each other very much. Does he think I would toss my partner aside? Break his heart, this guy who loves me unconditionally, disrupt and even ruin his life? Not in a million years.

    Yet I don't know the solution, other than to keep hoping this ex finds a replacement for me in his life. It shouldn't be difficult, the guy's a millionaire, any clever gold digger should be able to win him over. A sucker for flattery (which I refused to indulge him), say something sinfully complimentary to him and he's yours for the asking.

    He's a walking Lotto ticket, handsome and delightful, too, and I was astonished when I was the only guy in our community who won him. (Actually I didn't know who he was until we were already dating a couple of months) And all the time other guys were trying to steal him from me, sometimes right in front of my eyes, it was so funny to watch it.

    Well, where are these guys now? To paraphrase a comedian: "Take my ex-BF, please!"

    So I dunno what to do with him. I won't hurt him, that I can't do. I did love him for a time, even if it wasn't returned, and that counts for something. But how the Hell do I get him to abandon this crazy idea that we'll ever be together, and for him to move on with his life, and find a new guy for himself? icon_confused.gif
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    Dec 07, 2011 4:47 PM GMT
    You already know that answer is not to go back to him, but why are you still in touch with him? I think communicating with him periodically only hinders him from moving on and leaves you annoyed. Sometimes I think you have to sever all ties (at least for a while) so that all parties involved have the time and space to evaluate themselves and figure out where to go from here. Don't feel obligated to communicate with him because you feel sorry for him.
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    Dec 07, 2011 5:08 PM GMT
    I went through a similar situation. My ex wanted a situation that was just not going to happen given our circumstances.

    I felt at the time the right thing was to put up pretty stiff boundaries about not contacting one another. I had to threaten restraining orders and the police a few times, but eventually they let go.

    If he keeps holding onto you even in the broken state he is, you are denying him the opportunity to be as happy as you are. He needs to know that this connection is dead until he's able to connect with you as friends. That may not even be possible for him.
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    Dec 07, 2011 5:48 PM GMT
    You just described a big fear of mine, as I was in a similar situation.

    I agree with the above comments. I think the best idea is to break off communication and let him move on. if you keep indulging his conversation he might feel he still has a chance. Perhaps he never will understand how to just be your friend... some people just aren't wired that way.
    The way you describe him makes it seem he will land on his feet eventually. I don't think you should worry.
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    Dec 07, 2011 6:01 PM GMT
    Shit happens to me every time. I just ignore them. They get pissed but move on in a few weeks or so.
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    Dec 08, 2011 12:47 AM GMT
    His inability to move on is not your problem, but you are not exactly helping him to do that either. As long as he get's to share his fantasies with you, the object of said fantasies, they are being kept alive.

    Maybe it's time for some tough love. Stop indulging him on that topic. Talk to him as long as he doesn't bring up getting together again/you being the love of his life/etc and once he does so, end the conversation.

  • waccamatt

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    Dec 08, 2011 12:54 AM GMT
    3 hours on the phone with someone? That's co-dependency if I've ever heard it. Move on.
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    Dec 08, 2011 1:01 AM GMT
    you shouldn't have been on the phone with an ex for 3 hours.... to me personally i think this says that you might have lingering feelings or i think i read that you were going through what - ifs. your ex probably wouldn't be too happy if he heard. You should be careful about repeating this behavior as this could lead to a road that you will regret. i know ive been there... you get caught up in the fact that hes chasing you down and you might like it.... just be careful man. remember the man you love and hold every night. icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 08, 2011 1:16 AM GMT
    GVJoe90 said... just be careful man. remember the man you love and hold every night. icon_smile.gif

    All true. And last night I held my man, and this morning I held him again.

    But this ex... he never wanted to be held. So this isn't a big conflict for me, I know the man I want.

    BUT, I still want good things for my ex. I want him to be happy. But he wants to be with me. That can't happen, he closed that door 5 years ago. So I've gotta problem. Hurt this guy, or somehow make him realize for himself that I've moved on. I don't know how to do that.
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    Dec 08, 2011 1:22 AM GMT
    I think I'd quit taking his calls. Just saying...icon_neutral.gif
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    Dec 08, 2011 1:31 AM GMT
    Buddyboy938 saidI think I'd quit taking his calls. Just saying...icon_neutral.gif

    No, that would be hurtful. This was a guy who shared my bed, and we had many wonderful times together. I've gotta make him realize he needs to move on, and look elsewhere. But hurt him I could never do.
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    Dec 08, 2011 11:59 AM GMT
    If he did not appreciate me last time, he probably won't next time either.